The Broken Ones

“No, you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No, you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life” ― Simple Plan

The chorus to this song by Simple Plan echoes the desperation of 15 yr old Amanda Todd. The teenager who resided in Port Coquitlam, British Columbia ended her life after years of struggling with being bullied both in school and on the internet. This fall, Amanda posted a video on YouTube:  My Story, Struggling, Bullying, Suicide, Self –harm. A month later, her life was taken. After her death, her video has been viewed millions of times.  This young girl`s heartbreaking cry for help sadly was unheard while she was still alive. Now, with her untimely death and the motivation behind it has sparked an outcry across the world. While many have been quick to point out her life was taken by herself, social media is the catalyst in which she met an early demise.

Amanda`s death resonated with me as it brought back terrible memories of my daughter`s life spent warding off the evils of bullies who were her own peers. Shayla was a larger than life girl in many extraordinary ways. The day she was born she was 10 1bs, 10 oz., she measured in at 2 ft long. When she was brought to me in the hospital, she was already wearing 4 month old baby clothing. Along with every ripple and large body, Shayla had a massive golden heart to match. She loved to make people laugh and it became her security blanket, when other kids picked on her for her bulky size.

I know now reading through her journals that my daughter encountered bullies from Kindergarten up until her 2^nd year of University. Never wanting me to worry, Shayla masked her pain with being the `class clown`…playing her role became as natural as breathing. I recall her coming home, her cheeks flush and stinging from the tears falling down. I always asked what was going on, but Shayla would shrug it all off. Then one day, I thought I would surprise her and go pick my babygirl up from elementary school. I parked and was waiting at the side of the road, when another mother came up to me and casually mentioned that even though Shayla was in Grade 4, she played with the kids in Grades 1 and 2, so that she was not teased by her classmates. My heart was crushed when I saw Shayla come from her class and immediately went to the younger kids to hang out with.  To this day, it angers me to think when I brought this to the Teachers and Principals attention, Shayla was blamed. She was a goofy kid, seeking attention and nobody wanted to play with as she went out of her to be noticed. Looking back now, I am thoroughly convinced that some of those in authority were just as much as to blame as the bullies! My child was called fatty, stinky, ugly, a weirdo. She hid so much thinking it WILL get better…It HAS to she wrote.

In High School, a mentor to Shayla would find her curled up under his office desk, bawling excessively and let her be as he knew this was her `safe place.`  The bullies were now bigger, more threatening and had means of social media to menace their victims. The caustic, primitive words of elementary were now replaced with slut, stench, hideous and freak.

Upon going to University, Shayla was thrilled with the new beginnings. She believed life would be different, while her peers more accepting. Finally she would find a sense of companionship with those she would share classes. The first time I received a desperate call from my daughter, I wanted to get into my car and demand the bullies to stop. It was only a handful of girls, yet they were putting a vulnerable, young girl through hell! If, miles away I felt helpless, who knows how much misery Shayla was enduring? Since she was living in a tiny jail-like dorm room at university, it was as if that area became her cell. Only after her death, did I find out the true degree of what occurred that first year. I don`t think those responsible for the tormenting realize the pain they caused her, but the glaring words in her journals reflect a girl masking the pain, by putting up walls and being `mouthy` back to them.  Shortly after Shayla passed away, I acquired her laptop. The poetry and images expose the ugliness of bullying for what it is- a cat and mouse game, in which the mouse is already caught in a mousetrap, while the cat evilly tortures the wounded victim. While all of this caused me a great deal upon my grieving, I also found something that made me realize that try as they might to take away Shayla`s care-free spirit, they had failed miserably! I have numerous video footage of my daughter in her white washed dorm room, singing songs of empowerment! In the many videos, her voice fills the corners of her tiny room. I started to cry when I saw my babygirl as I was overwhelmed with her again in motion. Then my heart burst with pride seeing the tank top she was wearing. When Shayla had come for a visit, she fell in love with my shirt. I gave it to her and it is the one in the videos, my daughter is wearing.  The front of it expresses everything Shayla stood for what she believed: `PEACE, LOVE HOPE. `

The sad irony of the bullying case of Amanda Todd is this beautiful young, girl-who no one noticed before- is now a name spoken across a nation. For in life, her haunting word’s I HAVE NOBODY, I NEED SOMEONE, is contradictory to how now she has the world`s attention…

I offer my heartfelt sympathies to Amanda Todd’s family and friends; no words can convey the unimaginable loss all of you are feeling.

I Dedicate this song to those who FEEL ALONE, in hopes that others REACH OUT to let them know they are Not Alone!

 Dia Frampton - The Broken Ones: https://youtu.be/Zz04teo1j9k

 By T L. Alton

You Must Be the CHANGE You Want to See in this WORLD ~ Gandhi