The Labyrinth of Loss and Growth – Memorial Bench

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. ~ Margaret Mead

Myself, along with Brad Dahl and Shane Jamieson who are part of the McKinley Landing Association; who oversaw the bench creation.

 On Sunday, August 24^th, a gathering of people came to commemorate Shayla Driver’s memorial bench. It is located at Dewdney Beach Access #1, in the midst of a pristine view of Okanagan Lake. With the silhouettes of mountain ranges graced by an indigo skyline- the setting is a marvellous place to reflect.

I travelled from my home to the destination in McKinley Landing. While in flight, I let my journey as a bereaved mother, resonate with the peace that I have found. I allowed the love I deserve to experience, broaden its ripples amongst the process of mourning the death of my daughter. 

I have endured; survived and now thrived amongst the labyrinth of grief…all the while I was undergoing a transformation of who I am. My new role saw me welcoming the next chapter of healing. Meanwhile, I began to understand the concept of mending has an entirely different connotation- when you have lost a child- there is no such thing as ‘getting over their death.’ 

A few hours before the dedication ceremony, my feet travelled the path to the bench; a trail well-used by Shayla as she grew up in the area of McKinley where her father resides. We shared custody and our daughter was blessed to live in such a beautiful community. 

As a mother, I experienced an overwhelming mix of emotions, upon seeing the bench for the first time! Every time Shayla and I on our walks together had seen one of these memorial benches, she always read the dedications. She connected in a way that was extraordinary…it was if their words were imprinted upon her own heart. Reading the inscription and seeing my daughter’s name now on her own bench, brought sorrow filled with an inner celebration of her life. 

I sat upon my daughter’s tribute made by a company called Wishbone site furnishings. They are Canadian and the bench is made of recycled materials. When I decided to research Wishbone, I was delighted and surprised to find the Management team: John Jansen, President & CEO, Gerald Jansen, CFO, Business Development, and Scott Hutchinson, Marketing Director base is in Langley, BC, where I lived for six years. It was another connection that instilled in me that all things happen for a reason! I noticed next to the company name, a cross. I soon discovered their Kelowna roots are attached to several Christian based non-profit organizations that are also directly related to Shayla, such as Kelowna’s Gospel Mission. It was my daughter’s faith and desire to help those in need; especially at risk Aboriginal youth. 

I spoke directly to the company and thanked Wishbone for the beautiful bench. I would like to extend further acknowledgment to every team member involved in the wonderful creation. My belief of all things are connected, came full circle after my conversation with Mr. Jansen.

On the eve of the memorial bench dedication, as the sun was setting, we gathered to pay tribute to an amazing young woman whose legacy continues to bloom in the many things created in her honour.  I spoke of the unique relation to Hawaii and of Shayla’s release on Maui. I gave my deepest gratitude to all of those who had contributed to the bench and of the peace it brings to the area. 

The following poem that was found in one of my daughter’s Journal’s was read:

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes… love and go on.
---David Harkins

The ceremony concluded with the inspirational song: “An Angel by Your Side” and those in attendance signed a guest book, along with receiving a package of Skittles that Shayla enjoyed saying: “Taste the Rainbow.” Each packet of candy had one of my daughter’s favourite quotes attached. 

Brad Dahl and Shane Jamieson

At the conclusion of the dedication, I took the time to speak with everyone who attended the beautiful ceremony, including others who are part of the McKinley Association committee, which granted the bench creation and installment. In doing so, I met with people whose lives had been affected by her loss and in return, they learned more about Shayla. She was not simply a car accident statistic, but a person who had existed and thrived in this world. This twenty one year old had faith, a great sense of humour and an incredible amount of compassion for others. 

Amongst those who attended, I was fortunate to have the friendships of Michelle, Amanda and Dini present in their love and kindness of my bereaved journey. Each of them came and offered their support, while Michelle helped set and pack up.

Kimberly and Myself

 After, she also came back to Dave's home, where I was staying at and Shayla's family was gathered.
 

Michelle and Me

We shared from Damali winery- a rhubarb wine with lavender called Rhube' Lavande . Damali means 'beautiful vision.' This wine came highly recommended by one of my co-workers and had another link in honouring Shayla. My daughter liked lavender and a bush of the flowering plant was placed in the ground at my daughter’s granite stone at McKinley Reservoir. We toasted Shayla; once again, being thankful for the 21 years she lived. I shared with Michelle, my plans to visit in Cobble Hill, BC the Damali Labyrinth at Damali Lavender Farm,from where the delicious wine comes from. 

While in McKinley, I travelled many times to my daughter’s bench. I awoke one morning at 5:30 am to see the sunrise and was greeted by a group of grazing deer, on my way to sit amongst the solitude. 

My last day was spent swimming in Okanagan Lake, in the same location where Shayla enjoyed the waters. In my hand, were a small, exceptional collection of pebbles belonging to my babygirl. I released them as I swam, allowing the waves to carry my grief. I held a sage ceremony, where I released the aroma of my daughter’s sage wand and let it settle amongst the Ponderosa pines, which offer shelter over the bench.

  In the midst of it all, I spent quality time with Shayla’s family and remembered to live in the present…revitalizing my care-free spirit. 

Most of all, I allowed this restorative process into my scarred heart; enhancing the next chapter of my journey, and welcomed in… its glorious unfolding. 

By T. L. Alton