The Labyrinth of Loss and Growth – Memorial Bench

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. ~ Margaret Mead

Myself, along with Brad Dahl and Shane Jamieson who are part of the McKinley Landing Association; who oversaw the bench creation.

 On Sunday, August 24^th, a gathering of people came to commemorate Shayla Driver’s memorial bench. It is located at Dewdney Beach Access #1, in the midst of a pristine view of Okanagan Lake. With the silhouettes of mountain ranges graced by an indigo skyline- the setting is a marvellous place to reflect.

I travelled from my home to the destination in McKinley Landing. While in flight, I let my journey as a bereaved mother, resonate with the peace that I have found. I allowed the love I deserve to experience, broaden its ripples amongst the process of mourning the death of my daughter. 

I have endured; survived and now thrived amongst the labyrinth of grief…all the while I was undergoing a transformation of who I am. My new role saw me welcoming the next chapter of healing. Meanwhile, I began to understand the concept of mending has an entirely different connotation- when you have lost a child- there is no such thing as ‘getting over their death.’ 

A few hours before the dedication ceremony, my feet travelled the path to the bench; a trail well-used by Shayla as she grew up in the area of McKinley where her father resides. We shared custody and our daughter was blessed to live in such a beautiful community. 

As a mother, I experienced an overwhelming mix of emotions, upon seeing the bench for the first time! Every time Shayla and I on our walks together had seen one of these memorial benches, she always read the dedications. She connected in a way that was extraordinary…it was if their words were imprinted upon her own heart. Reading the inscription and seeing my daughter’s name now on her own bench, brought sorrow filled with an inner celebration of her life. 

I sat upon my daughter’s tribute made by a company called Wishbone site furnishings. They are Canadian and the bench is made of recycled materials. When I decided to research Wishbone, I was delighted and surprised to find the Management team: John Jansen, President & CEO, Gerald Jansen, CFO, Business Development, and Scott Hutchinson, Marketing Director base is in Langley, BC, where I lived for six years. It was another connection that instilled in me that all things happen for a reason! I noticed next to the company name, a cross. I soon discovered their Kelowna roots are attached to several Christian based non-profit organizations that are also directly related to Shayla, such as Kelowna’s Gospel Mission. It was my daughter’s faith and desire to help those in need; especially at risk Aboriginal youth. 

I spoke directly to the company and thanked Wishbone for the beautiful bench. I would like to extend further acknowledgment to every team member involved in the wonderful creation. My belief of all things are connected, came full circle after my conversation with Mr. Jansen.

On the eve of the memorial bench dedication, as the sun was setting, we gathered to pay tribute to an amazing young woman whose legacy continues to bloom in the many things created in her honour.  I spoke of the unique relation to Hawaii and of Shayla’s release on Maui. I gave my deepest gratitude to all of those who had contributed to the bench and of the peace it brings to the area. 

The following poem that was found in one of my daughter’s Journal’s was read:

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes… love and go on.
---David Harkins

The ceremony concluded with the inspirational song: “An Angel by Your Side” and those in attendance signed a guest book, along with receiving a package of Skittles that Shayla enjoyed saying: “Taste the Rainbow.” Each packet of candy had one of my daughter’s favourite quotes attached. 

Brad Dahl and Shane Jamieson

At the conclusion of the dedication, I took the time to speak with everyone who attended the beautiful ceremony, including others who are part of the McKinley Association committee, which granted the bench creation and installment. In doing so, I met with people whose lives had been affected by her loss and in return, they learned more about Shayla. She was not simply a car accident statistic, but a person who had existed and thrived in this world. This twenty one year old had faith, a great sense of humour and an incredible amount of compassion for others. 

Amongst those who attended, I was fortunate to have the friendships of Michelle, Amanda and Dini present in their love and kindness of my bereaved journey. Each of them came and offered their support, while Michelle helped set and pack up.

Kimberly and Myself

 After, she also came back to Dave's home, where I was staying at and Shayla's family was gathered.
 

Michelle and Me

We shared from Damali winery- a rhubarb wine with lavender called Rhube' Lavande . Damali means 'beautiful vision.' This wine came highly recommended by one of my co-workers and had another link in honouring Shayla. My daughter liked lavender and a bush of the flowering plant was placed in the ground at my daughter’s granite stone at McKinley Reservoir. We toasted Shayla; once again, being thankful for the 21 years she lived. I shared with Michelle, my plans to visit in Cobble Hill, BC the Damali Labyrinth at Damali Lavender Farm,from where the delicious wine comes from. 

While in McKinley, I travelled many times to my daughter’s bench. I awoke one morning at 5:30 am to see the sunrise and was greeted by a group of grazing deer, on my way to sit amongst the solitude. 

My last day was spent swimming in Okanagan Lake, in the same location where Shayla enjoyed the waters. In my hand, were a small, exceptional collection of pebbles belonging to my babygirl. I released them as I swam, allowing the waves to carry my grief. I held a sage ceremony, where I released the aroma of my daughter’s sage wand and let it settle amongst the Ponderosa pines, which offer shelter over the bench.

  In the midst of it all, I spent quality time with Shayla’s family and remembered to live in the present…revitalizing my care-free spirit. 

Most of all, I allowed this restorative process into my scarred heart; enhancing the next chapter of my journey, and welcomed in… its glorious unfolding. 

By T. L. Alton 

Reflections to Ponder On

“You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

~David Harkins

The release of pebbles always impresses upon me the value of the elements. Along with the flow of movement, as stones are placed in water, each vivid image summons the love for my daughter. Every time, my own supply of pebbles seems to be dwindling, I am blessed with a new source or someone else participates in the cause.

Such is the case with Sonia and her two children, Daniel and Amy. The family are from Britain and now reside in the Fraser Valley. Sonia and I met through her workplace.  We have shared in the Color Me Rad event, trips to Crescent Beach and the release of pebbles. The involvement of Sonia’s two children is something I will cherish, always. 

Last year, I hosted a Bursary Event. Sonia attended with Daniel and Amy, along with a friend, Kate. I had a table set up where pebbles were available to be wrote on and later freed into water, by myself. The original place to release them was a murky, overflowing river that had a long line of sandbags blocking access. It took many months before a proper location was found for me to put them into the ocean at Kitsilano Beach. Every pebble let go is with consideration and diligence. I take that moment in time as I throw them, to appreciate every ripple made being the essence of Shayla’s legacy. 

This would not be the first time Sonia involved her children to be part of The Heart Pebble Movement(THPM). One day, she shared with me how her, Daniel and Amy had walked along Stanley Park and put some pebbles for my daughter. For me, as a bereaved parent, when families collectively get together and another mother shares the passion of my cause, it instills in me such gratefulness for all of their involvement. 

When I discovered the magnificent gardens of East Hastings Park in Vancouver, BC, I placed a pebble in the Mediterranean sanctuary of Il Giardino Italiano. This one was from Sonia who had written on it her kind words read: “Live, Laugh, Love…each of the above I have done with you Tonya. Love Sonia” 

This year, Sonia went to Las Vegas. Before she left, I saw her and gave a precious stone from Shayla’s collection. I never instruct anyone where or how to release the pebbles. Rather, I love to hear the brilliant stories of their journeys and how people feel compelled to share what they did to take part in the movement. 

Upon Sonia’s return, I was sent several beautiful images. Due to the length of my blogs, I like to upload pictures with the world, that reflect on the purpose of THPM. With Sonia’s participation several times in the cause, I wanted to pay tribute and thank her, Daniel’s and Amy’s involvement. Your compassion for a young girl that you never knew makes me believe in the joy that Shayla would want for me! 

The poem I have posted also mirrors how we can honour our loved ones by letting their memories live on. I have experienced some rare times where now and then- in the glistening of the waters that envelop the pebbles- I see a reflection of my precious babygirl.

By T L. Alton