A Symmetrical Season

In composing my first blog of 2015, I need to express my gratitude to those who brought me the essentials of Christmas- Peace, Hope and Love. This holiday season, was unequal to any of those I pushed through, since the loss of my daughter. Even though it was my second year of being alone during the festivities- I felt the compassion of many- who reminded me the real gifts of the heart comes in many forms. 

Right before Christmas, I underwent Surgery that had difficulties afterwards in recovery. Once at home, the steady stream of people who brought me the comforts of homemade food, presents, cards and most valuable- their time, is something I cherished! Having an operation is daunting enough, let alone returning to an empty place. Yet, I was blessed with certain individuals who dropped in for a visit to offer me their support. I would like to express my deepest gratitude to Sheril, Elaine, Kelly and Yvonne for being there for me when I was enduring such pain. These women were the most devoted care givers and each of them saw me through challenging times. 

I was also gratified with an array of food that packed my cupboards and fridge. The meals dropped off were greatly appreciated; especially at a time when I could not cook for myself.  My thankfulness is extended to Penny and Brent, Yvonne and Henry, Sheril and Jay, Ron and Gail, Ashley and April, David and Audrey, Elaine and Stef for nourishing me and uplifting my spirit!

An unexpected blessing came in the form of presents given to me stemming from the love and kindness of others. One friend gave a book, another lady provided me with a Christmas flower. I received a beautiful Angel figurine from Yvonne and Henry. 

A lovely ‘rainbow’ handmade scarf, the Cloninger family created together.

I formed the scarf into a Heart, before I wore it

Kelly and Dave’s young son Zachary, gave me a beautiful arrangement he had won at his Awana Club.   

Two brilliant creations of trees came from Sarah Kube and will remain on display throughout the years to come. 

The generosity was in abundance when I received a gift from my kind-hearted landlords! 

An envelope came in the mail from my high school friend Michelle Wells. It contained a touching Christmas card with a $50 Visa that has seen me buy a stunning Butterfly ring. 

I was thrilled to receive from my friend Sheril, a bath/shower set, now that I am feeling much better; it is wonderful to have my own ‘independence’ again in taking care of myself.

With every gift, I was reminded to convey my Thanks for every moment present!

 My home, once empty of the Christmas spirit, saw every corner of it brimming with such thoughtfulness. Cards filled with sentiment, prayers and well-wishes line my cupboards; reminders of God’s love bestowed upon me through others. The steady stream of phone calls full of Season Greetings were conversations that encouraged me to get well soon; people reaching out in friendship and fellowship.

One thing I have had much of, while healing, is time…opportunities to look back and reflect on where I am at, one year later. I have endured turbulent upheavals where mourning seemed to reign over me… while on many occasions, my face towards the sun…the brokenness was penetrated by the radiance of my Faith.

 I have been heavy laden- anchored beneath to the ocean floor, after my ship capsized. I watched unfold before me the delicate wisps of Forgiveness in the petals of an Gerbera Daisy…Shayla’s  personal favourite flower. This uncertain pathway has made me realize that my absolution needs to be directed inward-that having to let go is the toughest work I will encounter! To unwrap myself from the ghost of a lost loved one requires bravery. Yet it allows me to become who the Lord intended-free of the painful burdens placed upon me by a man, who shattered all my trust. 

I understand the importance of Forgiving when hurt by others, but never Forgetting the life lessons it taught you.

In taking a stand, I am also taking care of my heart. Seeing how courageous I have been through all of the hurt, brings a great sense of pride, in how far I have come. Leaving behind what appeared  to be a fantasy realm of its own, I hold near to me the changes encountered. 

Putting on my Armor of God has seen me charge into battles and emerge... singing the praises of Hallelujah! I am ready to seek the purity of love again while embracing my new beginnings.
 

Never could I have imagined the beauty coming back in my world; a painter’s light on a canvas unveiling to me that “It Is getting Better!” 

Happy New Year!

  

By T.L. Alton

The Invisible Golden Bow of Friendship

“When we honestly ask ourselves which people in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

― Henri J.M. Nouwen

As I lean over the railing at the lake, under the fragment of the previous full moon, I listen to the darkness breathe out the symphony of stars and noises of twilight. The sounds of the lagoons rhythm against the slumbering aquatic herbs lull me into a state of peace.

I use this precious space of time, to allow myself to bring to my mind, a recent pebble release.  Bound in its liberation, is a friendship which evolved over the years.

I met Joyce through her workplace and was struck by her distinct, beautiful laughter that seemed to echo within me. It was not long before I looked forward to seeing her warm smile and hear Joyce say: “How ya doing?”

Our brief visits, turned into longer conversations with me sharing more titbits about my life, my writing and of course, my daughter. I would tell her of my excitement when Shayla was coming to visit from University and our adventures, I had planned.

After my daughter died, I recall the tears brimming and how she wrapped herself around me, like a safe cocoon, Joyce did not need to offer any words. We started taking walks together and divulging more personal aspects of our lives. Both of us had been in the past and we slowly built our trust in the special times we shared. My dear friend and I have shared meals, coffees and a fabulous visit to Fort Langley, Campbell Valley and Redwood Park. We have talked about baseball, children, grief, relationships and lessons we have learned.

Every milestone that happened connected to Shayla, Joyce was there to support me as her friend. When McKinley Road was awarded near a ½ million dollars to bring safety changes, I was thrilled to tell Joyce and she stood proud with me- one mother to another, in this accomplishment.

Back in January, when I left my vehicle in the Okanagan, I travelled by bus to Langley to attend a child-hood friend’s wedding. It was Joyce- who after working a full shift- would come and pick me up. Since the celebrations were over a course of three days in Vancouver, she would wait at the SkyTrain, past midnight for me to arrive and finally drop me off. I could see the exhaustion on her face, but she never complained and kindly listened to me.  I wept through tears to her about what I was going through with all the emotions of the wedding and the pain inside from someone else’s betrayal. It was a dark time in my life. Had it not been for Joyce’s compassion, hugs and travels together that weekend, I could not have uplifted myself so easily, after the dust settled. Likewise, if it was not for her generosity and kind heart, I would not have been able to go and reunite with Sudesh and his family at the wedding.

 Most recently, the Memorial Bench dedication saw my friend write to me:

The bench is beautiful just like your baby girl Tonya. I didn't get a chance to know her but you both were very lucky to have each other. And you have wonderful memories that no one can take away hang on to those my friend.  Joyce

On a recent trip that Joyce took with her husband and son, to Disneyland, she took part in The Heart Pebble Movement. During their road trip, they stopped along a beach. I received a lovely message from my friend:

Hi there this is where I picked up the stone it was a beautiful spot just outside a place called Brookings. In one of my pictures I am holding the stone to my heart.

Soon after, I was fortunate to receive more beautiful snapshots of Joyce releasing a stone for my babygirl, along with more caring words.

Hi there here are the picture of me at the pier, where I am throwing the stone at Pismo beach
I told your baby girl that we were both very lucky to have you in our lives. And told her I am a good friend of her mom. We both know she is here with us and she knows who I am. Take care my friend, love Joyce

I was deeply touched by her tender release and taking the time from her family vacation to honour Shayla.

I feel I have found her amongst my blessings of treasured friendships; much like a gift whose invisible golden bow of gratitude shines within my memories, she remains present.

By T.L. Alton 

The Labyrinth of Loss and Growth – Memorial Bench

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. ~ Margaret Mead

Myself, along with Brad Dahl and Shane Jamieson who are part of the McKinley Landing Association; who oversaw the bench creation.

 On Sunday, August 24^th, a gathering of people came to commemorate Shayla Driver’s memorial bench. It is located at Dewdney Beach Access #1, in the midst of a pristine view of Okanagan Lake. With the silhouettes of mountain ranges graced by an indigo skyline- the setting is a marvellous place to reflect.

I travelled from my home to the destination in McKinley Landing. While in flight, I let my journey as a bereaved mother, resonate with the peace that I have found. I allowed the love I deserve to experience, broaden its ripples amongst the process of mourning the death of my daughter. 

I have endured; survived and now thrived amongst the labyrinth of grief…all the while I was undergoing a transformation of who I am. My new role saw me welcoming the next chapter of healing. Meanwhile, I began to understand the concept of mending has an entirely different connotation- when you have lost a child- there is no such thing as ‘getting over their death.’ 

A few hours before the dedication ceremony, my feet travelled the path to the bench; a trail well-used by Shayla as she grew up in the area of McKinley where her father resides. We shared custody and our daughter was blessed to live in such a beautiful community. 

As a mother, I experienced an overwhelming mix of emotions, upon seeing the bench for the first time! Every time Shayla and I on our walks together had seen one of these memorial benches, she always read the dedications. She connected in a way that was extraordinary…it was if their words were imprinted upon her own heart. Reading the inscription and seeing my daughter’s name now on her own bench, brought sorrow filled with an inner celebration of her life. 

I sat upon my daughter’s tribute made by a company called Wishbone site furnishings. They are Canadian and the bench is made of recycled materials. When I decided to research Wishbone, I was delighted and surprised to find the Management team: John Jansen, President & CEO, Gerald Jansen, CFO, Business Development, and Scott Hutchinson, Marketing Director base is in Langley, BC, where I lived for six years. It was another connection that instilled in me that all things happen for a reason! I noticed next to the company name, a cross. I soon discovered their Kelowna roots are attached to several Christian based non-profit organizations that are also directly related to Shayla, such as Kelowna’s Gospel Mission. It was my daughter’s faith and desire to help those in need; especially at risk Aboriginal youth. 

I spoke directly to the company and thanked Wishbone for the beautiful bench. I would like to extend further acknowledgment to every team member involved in the wonderful creation. My belief of all things are connected, came full circle after my conversation with Mr. Jansen.

On the eve of the memorial bench dedication, as the sun was setting, we gathered to pay tribute to an amazing young woman whose legacy continues to bloom in the many things created in her honour.  I spoke of the unique relation to Hawaii and of Shayla’s release on Maui. I gave my deepest gratitude to all of those who had contributed to the bench and of the peace it brings to the area. 

The following poem that was found in one of my daughter’s Journal’s was read:

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes… love and go on.
---David Harkins

The ceremony concluded with the inspirational song: “An Angel by Your Side” and those in attendance signed a guest book, along with receiving a package of Skittles that Shayla enjoyed saying: “Taste the Rainbow.” Each packet of candy had one of my daughter’s favourite quotes attached. 

Brad Dahl and Shane Jamieson

At the conclusion of the dedication, I took the time to speak with everyone who attended the beautiful ceremony, including others who are part of the McKinley Association committee, which granted the bench creation and installment. In doing so, I met with people whose lives had been affected by her loss and in return, they learned more about Shayla. She was not simply a car accident statistic, but a person who had existed and thrived in this world. This twenty one year old had faith, a great sense of humour and an incredible amount of compassion for others. 

Amongst those who attended, I was fortunate to have the friendships of Michelle, Amanda and Dini present in their love and kindness of my bereaved journey. Each of them came and offered their support, while Michelle helped set and pack up.

Kimberly and Myself

 After, she also came back to Dave's home, where I was staying at and Shayla's family was gathered.
 

Michelle and Me

We shared from Damali winery- a rhubarb wine with lavender called Rhube' Lavande . Damali means 'beautiful vision.' This wine came highly recommended by one of my co-workers and had another link in honouring Shayla. My daughter liked lavender and a bush of the flowering plant was placed in the ground at my daughter’s granite stone at McKinley Reservoir. We toasted Shayla; once again, being thankful for the 21 years she lived. I shared with Michelle, my plans to visit in Cobble Hill, BC the Damali Labyrinth at Damali Lavender Farm,from where the delicious wine comes from. 

While in McKinley, I travelled many times to my daughter’s bench. I awoke one morning at 5:30 am to see the sunrise and was greeted by a group of grazing deer, on my way to sit amongst the solitude. 

My last day was spent swimming in Okanagan Lake, in the same location where Shayla enjoyed the waters. In my hand, were a small, exceptional collection of pebbles belonging to my babygirl. I released them as I swam, allowing the waves to carry my grief. I held a sage ceremony, where I released the aroma of my daughter’s sage wand and let it settle amongst the Ponderosa pines, which offer shelter over the bench.

  In the midst of it all, I spent quality time with Shayla’s family and remembered to live in the present…revitalizing my care-free spirit. 

Most of all, I allowed this restorative process into my scarred heart; enhancing the next chapter of my journey, and welcomed in… its glorious unfolding. 

By T. L. Alton