Making CHANGE for a Pebble

It is interesting how one simple word can have variations of meaning. Over a year ago, if I was asked what “CHANGE” meant to me, I would have shrugged it off as simply some coins that jangle in your pocket. Now-almost a year later- nearing the day of my daughter’s passing, the word CHANGE means something entirely different.

I recall, back in the spring of 2011, Shayla and I sharing a video. It was not the usual new release or hit of the week song; unexpectedly the gift that we shared was in a 10 minute video called: “Change for a Dollar.” What it created between my daughter and I, was an opening to share how one person can make a difference.

http://youtu.be/kwtoQprjRgc

Fast forward to this year-when I was sent a photograph of a pebble-teetering at Horseshoe Falls. These magnificent waterfalls are part of the Niagara River and are found mostly on the Canadian side of the Canada- United States border. The Horseshoe part cascading over is one of the most impressive forces of nature. A dear friend of mine, Amanda, decided it was this specific location to release a pebble in memory of Shayla.

My friendship with Amanda is two-fold. First, this quote sums up how our connection goes deeper than the surface:

A friend is someone who can see the truth and pain in you even when you are fooling everyone else. – Unknown.

Secondly, she has encouraged me as a person living with a serious chronic illness, to embrace the uniqueness that shows my beauty. Amanda does not see me as having shortcomings; rather she notices my dreams aglow with aspiration. Even when life has given me a deluge of challenges, my friend listens to the burdens I have to share. She throws her arms around me to somehow carry the weight and the conviviality she offers, is part of her grace. With wisps of her crimson strands of hair, and a smile full of warmth, Amanda and I keep the doors of friendship open by accepting that change is a part of life.

The one thing that we never expected to share in was the loss of my beloved daughter. Since Shayla’s passing, I can recall telephone conversations where my hurt and anger spilled into the lines that connected us. There were tears crammed with more than liquid; every ounce of my pain was filtering through me. The sorrow was turned up on those discussions between us and with each connection we made; I know Amanda could truly sense my inexcusable loss.  Having met my babygirl left an imprint on my friend as Shayla has done on so many.

In wanting to share Amanda’s placement of the pebble at Niagara- Horseshoe Falls, I came upon the poignant video that Shayla and I had openly wept at.  I knew that in order to weave the structure of our friendship, the meaning of CHANGE and the beauty of a pebble; I needed to post a link to a video that everyone needs to see.

For me, CHANGE has stained my broken heart with loss, fury, vulnerability, and signified a demand for transformation of McKinley Landing Road. It spear-headed me as a mother grieving, to stand up for a young woman, whose voice was silenced on December 12, 2011.  CHANGE converted my abhorrence to those in power, who long ago NEVER did anything to fix the deadly stretch. In its place I am choosing to honour the safety measures finally now made, because of her tragic death.

The difference between a life ended suddenly and a life taken as a sacrifice for CHANGE is the legacy it leaves behind. I know with all my heart that Shayla’s passing will never be in vain! Every vehicle that travels over the road, near the icy waters of the reservoir is now separated from the same demise. A line of concrete barriers and alterations to the road represent the many lives it may save! 

Shayla’s emotion over the Change for a Dollar video was genuine. To put into words how I felt the first time seeing the portion of McKinley Landing fixed, is incomparable. Yet the message of not taking life for granted is parallel. I also feel this sense of connection with Amanda. She has been an advocate of all things and her own desire to make change in this world, is an inspiration to me.

For all the Amazing Amanda’s who never hesitate to care…this is for you!

"If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile... But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me." – Unknown

By T L. Alton

Candle Light Memorial December 12~ Shayla Rae Dawn Driver

December 12, 2012 7:30 pm ~ McKinley Park

A night of remembrance~ sharing song and poetry

The following symbols within the image of the dancing girl

are reflective of Shayla and the legacy she leaves behind.

Representing transformation and her Aboriginal roots

- the Shoshone Indians believed the Great Spirit blew

the breath of life into pebbles, which then became butterflies.

Feathers signify virtues. Each feather symbolizes Charity, Hope, and Faith.

The Scarlet Red Oak Tree echoes the courage of a person of action.

Many people have gone to sit beneath the mighty Oak to gain strength and spiritual renewal.

The outside world can be forgotten and the inner world can slip back into perspective.

The Oak tree's mighty presence can help to restore faith in ourselves.

Joshua took a great stone, and set it under the oak that was in the sanctuary of the Lord.

~Joshua 24:26

Please unite in honouring Shayla’s passion for collecting stones, by joining in the heart pebble movement created by her bereaved mother, Tonya Alton

       

http://www.onecrashistoomany.com/

Campaign by Paul Hergott 

When Words to Live By Echo Reckoning

To sum up the past week: a series of events bringing closure and focused on having faith that all things happen for a reason.

My return to the blog I am passionate in sharing, comes on the tail end of days filled with pushing the limits of a bereaved parent. A wrapping up of unfinished business concerning Shayla has finally erupted in many apologies granted to both her father and I. Long overdue, to finally be at peace with things that have been out of my control, is like a cleansing of our broken hearts.

The main re-stitching of old wounds has come in the widening of a section of McKinley Landing. The drastic make-over of the road being finally given the safety measures needed is bittersweet. It only took 8 weeks for the changes to take place and help to ensure the secure travels of others. Seeing it for the first time, I felt a lump in my throat, knowing had the road been repaired years earlier, our precious daughter would still be alive! Hence the re-stitching may have occurred but not the actual healing.

I have attended two causes that are directly related to Shayla. The first took place last week in Kelowna, BC. It is a campaign formed by Paul Hergott called: “One Crash is Too Many.” The Mayor of Kelowna, Walter Grey proclaimed November 21, 2012 as “Day of Remembrance for Road Traffic Victims”, after a request by One Crash is Too Many. The origins of the cause was started in 1993 by a British charity called RoadPeace, and in 2005, the United Nation (U.N.) decided to make “World Day of Remembrance for Road Traffic Victims” the third Sunday of November.

I personally spoke with Paul and shared with him the loss of Shayla and the terrible impact it has had on all of our lives. I was grateful when he mentioned my daughter- as a name and not simply a statistic. I also stressed the legendary hazards of driving McKinley Landing and how the road has finally been repaired with several safety measures. I was able to meet and speak with Const. Kris Clark, whose mission in life is to see traffic-related accidents and deaths reduced through public awareness and taking responsibility on the roads.

Speaking with Castanet News and interviewed by reporter Jennifer Zielinski, I conveyed the message of how important it is for me as a bereaved mother that Shayla’s life had a value! Her purpose was to ‘Be the Change she wished to see in this world.’ Never could I imagine that I would be sharing with the world the enormous difference she made; a mark that signifies she was here and brought transformation to McKinley.

http://youtu.be/yQw4-KGGJgE

The other event we attended was Thompson Rivers University Awards Ceremony. Shayla’s father Dave and I proudly gave a $1,000.00 cheque to the deserving recipient, Annie Leonard.  We were overwhelmed with emotions; especially when we found out how Shayla and Annie had connected. It was as a result of Annie being bullied and our daughter standing up for her. We had taught Shayla to be a leader in life and knowing she had lived by those words, brought us such joy.

Annie’s kind heart was evident when she gave us a gift she originally had bought for Shayla- a lovely native print scarf. Last year, she had hoped to give it to our daughter as a present, when she returned from her visit in Kelowna. Sadly, she would never come back. In addition to the scarf, Annie gave me a crystal –like cube, which has hands open around a heart. This striking image reflects on the beauty of Shayla that resided within her care-free spirit. When we arrived at TRU, I brought along a gift from Joanne Wilson. She is the mother of Shayla’s boyfriend. She had come to see me and bestow upon me the most beautiful creation. A labour of love, she gave me a two-sided quilt. This extraordinary work of magnificence was connected to the suffering of my loss, yet in the most beautiful way. Months earlier, I had given Joanne several bags of Shayla’s clothes. This quilt consisted of t-shirts, purses, baby clothes, dance wear, quotes and personal items all belonging to our sweet angel. My tears spilled over it as I touched the brilliant memories each item contained. By sharing it with Annie, we were linked in the emotions, yet were able to reminisce about the girl with the golden heart.

This past week has been an exhausting journey; miles on the road travelled, bonding with people who love our babygirl. We met with individuals who we told of our daughter’s existence and finally wrapped ourselves around some much needed closure.   I am behind in my postings of pebbles, whose stories and images have been shared with me. I was okay with being temporarily ‘separated’ from my blog writing. I have been composing articles and sharing stories with publications and a website, who want to spread the legacy of our daughter.

In the midst of the darkness, I have possessed clarity.  In a turbid place of sorrow, my tears have reached the sea, knowing Shayla will always reside within me. She would want her momma to take time for herself and set new sails beyond the realms of grief. I feel though it will take months, even years before I can ascend the peaks of obtaining peace fully. In the meantime, I will continue The Heart Pebble Movement, as a way to remember a young girl so full of promise and life.

Almost a year later, I have transitioned from loving my daughter Shayla, to embracing the unseen but heartfelt angel that I am surrounded by.

By T L. Alton

http://www.onecrashistoomany.com/

                                                 Campaign by Paul Hergott

The Shape of My Heart

I am in the midst of moving and as I gaze upon the mounds of cluttered memories, I know I have no time to blog the usual in-depth posts I am use to writing. Therefore, I will be giving snippets of what has transpired in this moment of time.
Today, while beginning to unpack, I heard an old Faith Hill song on CMT. It stopped me in my tracks as I thought how it relayed to me how I am feeling.

You're Still Here ~ Faith Hill
Thought I saw you today
You were standing in the sun then you turned away
And I knew it couldn't be but my heart believed
Oh it seems like there's something everyday
How could you be so far away
When you're still here
When I need you you're not hard to find
You're still here
I can see you in my baby's eyes
And I laugh and cry
You're still here
I had a dream last night
That you came to me on silver wings of light
I flew away with you in the painted sky
And I woke up wondering what was real
Is it what you see and touch or what you feel
Cause you're still here
Oh you're everywhere we've ever been
You're still here
I heard you in a stranger's laugh
And I hung around to hear her laugh again
Just once again
Oh...
Thought I saw you today
You were standing in the sun then you turned away
Away...

A Reminder of True Camaraderie

Beauty is the moment of transition, as if the form were just ready to flow into other forms. –Ralph Waldo Emerson

If someone told me there would be moments of light amidst the umbrella of darkness as I continue my passage through grieving, I could not fathom it. Yet, the roots of sorrow have reached out, wrapping my fragile parts with compassion. Sometimes it is from my dearest friends, others it is complete strangers.  Regardless of the source, I have found myself enveloped by the love and consideration of those who swallow their own uneasiness. In its place they offer their sympathises.

In a previous post, I spoke of those who have opted to ‘walk away’ from me; a grieving mother. This blog is dedicated to those, who despite the complex nature of remaining friends with someone suffering a loss…persevere and stick thru the journey…good or bad. I have already written about my best friend Lori and dear friend, Katherine. In paying tribute to them and by sharing the ups and downs of friendships; it is my hope another bereaved parent realizes they are not alone in their own anguish.

One thing I have learned from the passing of Shayla is my need to DO something, anything to reclaim what death took away…my rights to my daughter’s life. These past eleven months have seen me fight for changes to a dangerous road and create an event- ShaeHarmony- to help raise funds for a bursary in Shayla’s name. All of these matters have interrupted my grieving process. I have had to stand up for my daughter’s name and be the voice when hers was silenced. Stemming from this mired process, I have discovered friendships along the way, which have balanced out the despair.

It was as a result of ShaeHarmony that a friend of Shayla’s, Mindy Herman, offered to volunteer. Now, anyone who has planned a large event knows the tremendous stress associated with it and if you add grieving a loved one, all can be overwhelming. I do not recommend anything like I hosted- especially within the first year. I was fortunate though that because of ShaeHarmony, Mindy came into my life.

This vibrant soul is a source of radiance, her kind smile and tender hugs have been a supply of compassion that I needed. From the beginning, Mindy was motivated by wanting to give back, help me and share the enlightenment of who Shayla remains. As we have become friends; placing trust in her has come natural and freely.  Though we live hundreds of miles apart, the distance does not have any relevance in our closeness.

This summer, both Mindy and her friend, Aisha Choudhary (another friend of Shayla’s) came to visit me. With them were two other girlfriends and Aisha’s brother. I spoke in great lengths about my daughter, revealing the bond her and I shared and told them stories about Shayla that brought laughter, instead of tears. We spoke of ShaeHarmony and how grateful I was for both Mindy and Aisha’s support. Later that night, after dinner with Mindy, we all reconnected and they marvelled at how much I reminded them of my daughter…my movements, expressions and even my laugh was similar and it seemed to bring comfort to the girls. The greatest part of it was we were standing in a parking lot and every time I went to say goodbye, we would hug and then another story would be shared. This went on for a few hours, until I realized I had to finally go home and let them go. That night brought me some much needed relief from the sadness.

After they returned back to Kamloops, I received a package in the mail. Upon opening it, I discovered framed pictures of Mindy and Aisha and a beautiful Willow Tree figurine. This brought such grace to my heart, as I have been collecting the Willow Tree series for years. Over the years, Shayla bought me parts of the collection as gifts. My partner has added to my precious collection and now several pieces I bought for Shayla are rejoined with mine. Upon further unwrapping of the parcel, I found a CD with specially selected music all reflective of my daughter. Playing it for the first time, I was overcome with emotion as every song had a connection to Shayla and me. Now, replaying it over, it is as if it is the set list to our lives together. Receiving the parcel that held so much gracefulness was a statement that stated: “I WON’T GIVE UP ON YOU!”

The brightness found in friendship is when it continues to thrive despite the circumstances of how you met. The other day, I received from Mindy- via email- two photographs. She had been out for a walk and came upon heart-shaped leaves. With them, she created something magnificent and included two pebbles, she painted. I was moved by her gentle reminder of Shayla’s beauty found in nature.

Soon, I am travelling to see Mindy once again and stay with her at her home. One of the things  we had planned was for Aisha, Mindy and I to go see the rainbow coloured metal butterfly that was placed at the B.C. Wildlife Park in Kamloops. It is vibrant and engraved with: Shayla Rae Dawn Driver. This place holds special memories for me… as my daughter and I spent time, walking amongst the outdoors and animals. Shayla also went there with her boyfriend, David. One of the anticipated best parts was to be all of the dazzling lights. Unfortunately, the park is closed during the week ( open only on weekends) and the lights do not start until December 14. This visit will be postponed for now.
Every year, Paul and I would take Shayla on a ‘Twinkle Tour.’ Her rosy cheeks and grin from ear to ear saw the brilliance of the holidays shine thru in her eyes. As I no longer ‘celebrate’ the holidays, I am choosing other ways of honouring a life taken far too soon.

When there are days I think I cannot cope with the hole left behind…I go back and read just how much I have accomplished in a positive way. Every time I receive an email, photograph or video of where a pebble was placed… it reminds me of those I never would have ‘met,’ had it not been for The Heart Pebble Movement.

By T L. Alton

The Beauty of Release

California has a beautiful coastline. It can be a rough coastline. The waves are huge. The rocks are steep. … It's dramatic. - Jennifer Granholm

There is in the depths of grief that serves a purpose; a freeing of emotions that is my desire to release. I have found its rationale in the form of The Heart Pebble Movement and the branches of friendship; measured in the tears shared amongst those who have remained True friends. Grief has enabled me to discover the simple flow of its presence; connecting me to places, people and things. An unlikely teacher, the mourning process cores through my veins; at times it makes me catch my breath, other moments bringing me to my knees.  This painful journey, as isolated I may feel sometimes, has not been a solo passage. I now am coupled with my heartache to others suffering the loss of a loved one.

 It was in my Grief Group, offered through The Langley Hospice Society, that I first met Katherine. Her personal route along the throes of sadness brought us together. She was mourning her husband and I was in bereavement over my daughter. Our guards were up in a room full of strangers and I recall saying to the group of people. “I do not want to be here.” Looking back, it was a daft thing to remark as it was obvious no one else wanted to be a part of a Grief Group either. Due to the sensitive information that is shared amongst those participating in the 10 week course and respect for those grieving, I am only sharing where we met. I know that through us connecting over our anguish, Katherine and I have become friends.

 As we weave the tapestry of loss, trying to make sense of the compartment of our hearts that once held shelter; we have revealed our wounds to each other. I have felt her tears on my shoulder, held her trembling hand and sat at Sendall Gardens, under a canopy of darkness as we spilled our pain into the dusk.  Through it all, my discoveries about Katherine have revealed a woman whose spirit is unwavering in her quest to eventually move to California. The peace that is written all over her is invoked by the pristine coastline that stretches for miles. I know her voyage is to continue and bring her to the USA, as the seasons have come and gone, she has not wavered in her desire to settle there.

During the past months, Katherine has travelled where the seaside thrives, from mountain lakes and streams, to the endless Pacific coastline; this is where she feels at home. With the California sun, her tears seem to be soothed, while her weary soul is restored with the pounding surf. It is here, she tends to the scars left behind from the loss of a man whose love for her was undeniable.

 On her last trip, Katherine had picked a special pebble from Shayla’s collection to place in California and honour my daughter through The Heart Pebble Movement.  I knew the journey the pebble would take would be one of discovery for Katherine too.

Recently, I met with my dear friend and she handed me an envelope. Her warm smile expressed a sense of contentment. She explained how she had gone to Morro Strand State Beach, a coastline where the grains of sand are smoothed by the winds. Katherine shared the release of the pebble and how it reminded her of a heart. Her thoughtfulness was spoken in her genuine feelings of what it meant to partake in the cause. It did not matter how broken she felt inside, for Katherine was embracing what many others have. In doing so, she let the subtle layers of the movement take hold; sharing in the inspiration.

Once back home, I opened the envelope to find a dozen snapshots of her visit to Morro Strand State Beach. Each picture had words of description on the back. There was a handwritten note sharing how she had delivered Shayla’s pebble to the Pacific Ocean at her ‘most favorite beach.’  It was dated September 8, 2012. Included was a USB stick that had additional video footage of the release, along with the photos as a slideshow. As I looked at everything, the video moved me deeply as I had a visual displaying the beauty of her actions. With Katherine’s permission I am sharing her beautiful photographs and video with the world.

 It is amazing how the simplicity of such a cause has seen people reach out in the form of a pebble, reminding me the essence of which Shayla was… will always remain.

http://youtu.be/IR0aVtIqZD4

By TL. Alton

Journey -Lights (When the Lights Go Down in the City)

http://youtu.be/I6jvJs5jkwI

Courage Rooted in Remembrance

"Victory is not in what was gained alone but in what was lost in the millions." ~ Unknown

Where poppies grow in a burst of red and valour was led by those who gave more than liberty; they evoked courage in a world of war some find hard to justify. No one wins in battle, for someone’s son or daughter may earn medals, yet it does not help a widow to wrap herself around cold medals in place of their loved one.

When Shayla enrolled in Air Cadets years ago, I was upset thinking one day she may enlist. It was an unreasonable notion and one that was needless in my concern. The near eight years my daughter spent in the Air Cadets was the best thing that could have happened to her. It gave her structure, responsibility and most of all, respect for her and the uniform she wore with pride.

There was one particular moment in Shayla’s life where her golden heart and reverence of others shone through. It was a right before the November 11 Remembrance Day Ceremonies, which my daughter would be in the annual Air Cadet Parade. She and I had stopped into Wal-Mart for a few things. As we neared the door, my daughter paused and asked for the keys to the car. I handed them over and assumed she had forgotten something. Shortly after, Shayla met up with me and as we went thru the till, I asked her what she had gone back for. She shrugged and replied it was nothing. As we walked past the exit, I heard someone calling out “You’re an Angel.” I turned to see a homeless man wearing my daughters Air Cadet gloves. “Bless you,” he smiled and nodded at her. My heart was moved deeply by her compassion, yet I asked, “What are you going to do when your hands are freezing as you march in the parade?” Shayla beamed with pride and said, “Mom, when my hands are cold it will remind me of two things, that man sitting on the horrible concrete and those who sacrificed their lives for yours and mine freedom. “

Today, as I paid my respects to the countless others who have lost their lives and continue to fight, I also fondly thought of Shayla. As the Remembrance Day Parade marched on by and I saw a new group of Air Cadets dedication to their core, I closed my eyes and honoured my own hero- my babygirl- with a minute of silence. For she never forgot her own roots or where she came from; Shayla found meaning in the life lessons instilled in her for all those years as part of a Squadron. Likewise, my daughter valued the glory held in the tears of soldiers from past, present and future.

Standing in the bitter cold, I was still a mother proud of their child. Upon buying my poppy, it was pinned on the collar of Shayla`s favourite winter jacket that I wore. Tucked in the pocket, was one of her pebbles. As the formation of planes flew overhead and passed, I wished to reach out for her hand once again. Instead, my gaze was upon the heavens where many people in this world, have had to endure the loss of their own heroes’…those who may now fly with a different set of wings.

By T L. Alton

They shall grow not old

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

From Laurence Binyon's poem For the Fallen, written in September 1914

One Direction~ Transition

Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul alike. ~ John Muir

I have been ‘in transition’ of sorts; meaning I am planning a move. This shift in my world has seen me having to re-open and sort through over twenty boxes of my daughters belongings. I am down-sizing, while making key decisions I never thought I ever would. For the day Shayla passed away, my line of succession was gone. Removed in an instant, her beautiful legacy is suspended forever in time.

I have wanted to post in these few days, but also find myself inundated with the horrific images left from Hurricane Sandy, which stripped people of their own essentials. I contemplate their fate and the tears have come quickly, not forsaking me. I have spoken with others who have lost a loved one about their own understanding to what is going on around us. They agree that after the death of someone, you become highly sensitized to global events; as if you assimilate their pain as you can understand devastation…just in a different sense.

Tonight, I realized the internal healing I feel comes in the words I express in my posts. Therefore, I want to share about our one and only camping trip this year. In May, my partner and I travelled to Cultus Lake; a provincial park in the Fraser Valley region of British Columbia.

I once was an avid camper, seeking adventures in various campgrounds all over North America. Shayla grew up with me taking her into the state of Washington and backpacking. We collected sand dollars along the beaches and set out dollops of peanut butter for a campsite where the local squirrel was a mascot. We even became bold enough to attempt cooking homemade muffins over the open fire. The assortment of vivid characters we met along our travels was as diverse and free as the bursts of stars in the night sky. There was ‘Fire-Man’ who was a local legend, known for assisting those who needed fire power, with a clear bottle of liquid. One sniff of the contents and you knew to back away- no run – for the hills. Turns out he thought he was being neighbourly by spraying your wimpy fire with a good dousing of gasoline! Another of our favourite memories was the night we were stranded as all the campsites were booked in Fairhaven, USA. A kind employee of a hippie café gave us a ride to his house. He let us set up our tent and gear in his front yard. As we stumbled in the dark, suddenly he appeared to give us a warning.  We should be careful with hammering in any tent pegs as they had recently celebrated the Fourth of July and there were bottle rockets and a variety of fireworks everywhere! We thanked him and proceed to slumber in our sleeping bags and a droopy tent. It was these special moments that contributed to many years of bonding with my daughter.

This past May long weekend, it was my partner’s birthday and we wanted to go away. Cultus Lake had always been a place we were interested to pitch our tent. I was hoping to unwind and let nature lead the way. The anticipation of finding where our site was, always gave me a sense of enthusiasm in locating it as soon as possible. I enjoy a more secluded spot, near the water, but close enough to the public washrooms. I usually am the one getting tangled in my sleeping bag, while needing to use the facilities urgently.

We arrived to find a pristine vision was our invisible door to the landscape for the next three days. To really have your eyes opened to the scenery; a flickering campfire, marshmallows being toasted a nice charcoal and the sounds of the loons are needed. These all enhance the rustic experience. We were fortunate to have this for one night. The next day, I awoke to the blaring sounds of One Direction crooning “What Makes You Beautiful.” I stepped out of the tent to see three young girls, around the age of ten, all lined up and singing their hearts out to the catchy tune. At first, I was okay with it, even though I felt somewhat sad. These young girls reminded me of Shayla and her friends dancing and mimicking every move of the Spice Girls. I started a fire and took in the freshness of the air. I boiled water for my coffee and checked out the three pebbles of my babygirl’s that I had brought to be placed in Cultus Lake.

After we had breakfast and were ready; my partner and I went for a walk amongst the towering lush forest.  I noted that as we were leaving our campsite, the same song was being played on rotation. It could have started to grate on my nerves, but we were bound for the trails, far away from the technology of life. This excursion was a welcome release of the stress I had felt at home. I wanted to absorb each section of plant life, to snap a permanent picture in my mind of the wildflowers I saw. Trekking along in the woods, I appreciated what was going on in my surroundings. A glorious sunset peeked through the branches of trees as we made our way back. As soon as we drew near, I could hear the droning sounds of One Direction and my body was tense in an instant. I had come for tranquility; not repetitious annoyance. I decided it was time to release the pebbles and take part in something I have done many times since Shayla’s passing… to blow bubbles.

Once back at out campsite, we gathered what we would need and walked towards the beach. I took the first stone and said a few words, as I always do, placing it into the water. My boyfriend tossed the stone I gave him and the last one was thrown in. Then he took the bubbles and blew them towards Cultus Lake. I was able to capture a brilliant snapshot of something that I use to enjoy doing with my daughter. We went back to our tent and sat by the fire. No sooner were we relaxing and then the music started up again. I felt like taking the CD player and flinging it to the wilderness. Spots of rain began to fall and we knew we would have to retreat for shelter. The mere thought of being a ‘prisoner’ in a small two person tent was enough for me to express my wish to leave. I did not comprehend it at the time, but the young girls singing, giggling and dancing without end, reminded me constantly of Shayla. It was too much to cope with and I understood suddenly that I was not ready to be thrust back so soon into the camping environment.

The unspoken part of grief is the one in which our bodies react even before we do. To know every deep thought is impossible, but when I find myself vulnerable in this world, I no longer fight what the process is trying to tell me.

By T L. Alton