An Intention to Embrace Wellness

The Cord

We are connected, my child and I,

By an invisible cord, not seen by the eye

It's not like the cord that connects us 'til birth

This cord can't be seen, by any on earth

This cord does its work, right from the start

It binds us together, attached to my heart

I know that it's there, though no one can see

The invisible cord from my child to me

The strength of this cord, man couldn’t create

It withstands the test, can hold any weight

And though you are gone, though you're not here with me,

The cord is still there but no one can see

It pulls at my heart, I am bruised…. I am sore,

But this cord is my lifeline, as never before

I am thankful that God, connects us this way

A mother and child, Death can't take away!

~ Author Unknown

Before I experienced the death of my daughter, I was not fully aware of what HOSPICE meant. I even had a misunderstanding of all what they did for people. My belief was partly correct... when someone who is elderly and passing away they might go away to a hospice in the last part of their life. I recalled when Shayla’s Aunt was dying from Cancer; she had a brief interaction with the hospice society in the Okanagan.

After Shayla passed away, I was given grief books, sent links to places that offered help; but try as I may to seek a grain of understanding of her sudden, tragic passing…nothing resonated within me. Then someone I had went to Elementary School with and reconnected later in life, shared with me about The Langley Hospice Society. She did not push, rather coaxed me along the winding road of my mourning and steered me gently into the resource within my own community. 

When I discovered the wide range of services they offered, I was amazed.  I could try and put into my own words what is accessible, but I prefer to quote from their website: http://www.langleyhospice.com  in order to give a clear idea.

  

The Langley Hospice Society is...

·  a registered not-for-profit charitable organization established in 1983

·  committed to providing emotional and practical support for people who are living with a life-limiting illness, their family and friends throughout the last stage of illness, at the time of death and bereavement.

·  funded through general donations, fundraising events, memorial and in honour gifts, planned giving, grants, Second Story Treasures Thrift Store, BC Gaming, United Way and a service contract with Fraser Health.

After discovering for myself the services I could benefit the most from, I began to see a Grief Counsellor on a regular basis. The attractive setting of flower gardens, lush foliage and streaming water is the outdoor environment for the remarkable built home that is now The Langley Hospice Society.

What I found beyond the doors was a beautiful camaraderie; a fellowship where I felt ‘accepted’ in this new role as a bereaved mother. This required patience on my part. Likewise, a great deal of me trusting others, before I fully acknowledged that I was now someone who had lost their only child.

Gradually, over time I was provided the valuable information on a Grief Recovery Group that was to begin last summer. My instinct at first was to back away from anything associated with a group setting. It was one thing amongst close friends and Shayla’s family to openly share about her passing… but I never thought I was going to feel comfortable enough to sit amongst others and divulge my personal journey! Yet as time progressed, I felt more uncomfortable with not being able to share the pain. I know my partner was deluged with my sorrow; he had to walk everyday into a home that was more of a museum to my daughter, than a refuge. Something had to change…I needed to be able to meet others who could sympathize with loss. 

As The Langley Hospice Society prides itself on offering privacy and respect, I am not going to reveal any specific details or the people that I met. Still, I feel to give proper accolades to this compassionate organization, it is important to honour the growth that happened to me, personally. In group, I was able to share unspeakable things-the nature of Shayla’s death- that was critical to me to be able to talk about. I even struggled with the unimaginable request to see the Autopsy report. Those reading this that have never lost a child in a car accident, could not fathom why I would want such information. What I can say is because of someone I met and who had extensive medical knowledge, they gently advised me against doing this as there are horrible images you can never erase. In sharing this very private experience, there maybe someone out there who can relate to what I speak of.

Furthermore, people struggling may want to connect with others, yet not know where to turn. I would encourage them to reach out to their local Hospice Society. One never knows who they may meet in the comforts of this non-profit organization…someone that can truly look you in the eye and say: “I really do understand.”  Maybe, if you are as fortunate as I am, you will make friends even after the group has ended. My life has been enriched by several people I met and some of them have taken part in The Heart Pebble Movement. A kind-hearted soul I was introduced to is a lady known as Shivani. She has seen me thru the upheaval, supported my quest for justice and assisted my exploration of loss. Her caring nature saw me at one point, throw caution to the wind and allow my sails to guide me away from my safe harbour.

Last year, I received a different kind of healing grace when a pebble that I had given to Shivani was placed in Heffley Lake, located 27 miles northeast of Kamloops, BC. What I was struck most by in the snapshot was not just the location of the pebble- already immersed in water-but the tender placement of two, single flowers. It gave the beautiful setting purpose; reaching out to me with wellness-without fear. It was not a photo to weep over; rather it celebrated a life well-lived! 

In my passage into loss, I have stood up for many things my daughter would be proud of. Shayla’s memory also helps to remind me instead of sinking into the melancholy; I have to remember to let in thru the cracks- the sunshine. For me, tomorrow’s uncertainty is a new opportunity to learn more. Otherwise it simply could be a day where I abandon the walls, remove the masks and allow the grief to continue making its way throughout me.

By T L. Alton 

*Further information on The Langley Hospice Society can be found at: http://www.langleyhospice.com

The Beauty of Release

California has a beautiful coastline. It can be a rough coastline. The waves are huge. The rocks are steep. … It's dramatic. - Jennifer Granholm

There is in the depths of grief that serves a purpose; a freeing of emotions that is my desire to release. I have found its rationale in the form of The Heart Pebble Movement and the branches of friendship; measured in the tears shared amongst those who have remained True friends. Grief has enabled me to discover the simple flow of its presence; connecting me to places, people and things. An unlikely teacher, the mourning process cores through my veins; at times it makes me catch my breath, other moments bringing me to my knees.  This painful journey, as isolated I may feel sometimes, has not been a solo passage. I now am coupled with my heartache to others suffering the loss of a loved one.

 It was in my Grief Group, offered through The Langley Hospice Society, that I first met Katherine. Her personal route along the throes of sadness brought us together. She was mourning her husband and I was in bereavement over my daughter. Our guards were up in a room full of strangers and I recall saying to the group of people. “I do not want to be here.” Looking back, it was a daft thing to remark as it was obvious no one else wanted to be a part of a Grief Group either. Due to the sensitive information that is shared amongst those participating in the 10 week course and respect for those grieving, I am only sharing where we met. I know that through us connecting over our anguish, Katherine and I have become friends.

 As we weave the tapestry of loss, trying to make sense of the compartment of our hearts that once held shelter; we have revealed our wounds to each other. I have felt her tears on my shoulder, held her trembling hand and sat at Sendall Gardens, under a canopy of darkness as we spilled our pain into the dusk.  Through it all, my discoveries about Katherine have revealed a woman whose spirit is unwavering in her quest to eventually move to California. The peace that is written all over her is invoked by the pristine coastline that stretches for miles. I know her voyage is to continue and bring her to the USA, as the seasons have come and gone, she has not wavered in her desire to settle there.

During the past months, Katherine has travelled where the seaside thrives, from mountain lakes and streams, to the endless Pacific coastline; this is where she feels at home. With the California sun, her tears seem to be soothed, while her weary soul is restored with the pounding surf. It is here, she tends to the scars left behind from the loss of a man whose love for her was undeniable.

 On her last trip, Katherine had picked a special pebble from Shayla’s collection to place in California and honour my daughter through The Heart Pebble Movement.  I knew the journey the pebble would take would be one of discovery for Katherine too.

Recently, I met with my dear friend and she handed me an envelope. Her warm smile expressed a sense of contentment. She explained how she had gone to Morro Strand State Beach, a coastline where the grains of sand are smoothed by the winds. Katherine shared the release of the pebble and how it reminded her of a heart. Her thoughtfulness was spoken in her genuine feelings of what it meant to partake in the cause. It did not matter how broken she felt inside, for Katherine was embracing what many others have. In doing so, she let the subtle layers of the movement take hold; sharing in the inspiration.

Once back home, I opened the envelope to find a dozen snapshots of her visit to Morro Strand State Beach. Each picture had words of description on the back. There was a handwritten note sharing how she had delivered Shayla’s pebble to the Pacific Ocean at her ‘most favorite beach.’  It was dated September 8, 2012. Included was a USB stick that had additional video footage of the release, along with the photos as a slideshow. As I looked at everything, the video moved me deeply as I had a visual displaying the beauty of her actions. With Katherine’s permission I am sharing her beautiful photographs and video with the world.

 It is amazing how the simplicity of such a cause has seen people reach out in the form of a pebble, reminding me the essence of which Shayla was… will always remain.

http://youtu.be/IR0aVtIqZD4

By TL. Alton

Journey -Lights (When the Lights Go Down in the City)

http://youtu.be/I6jvJs5jkwI