An Intention to Embrace Wellness

The Cord

We are connected, my child and I,

By an invisible cord, not seen by the eye

It's not like the cord that connects us 'til birth

This cord can't be seen, by any on earth

This cord does its work, right from the start

It binds us together, attached to my heart

I know that it's there, though no one can see

The invisible cord from my child to me

The strength of this cord, man couldn’t create

It withstands the test, can hold any weight

And though you are gone, though you're not here with me,

The cord is still there but no one can see

It pulls at my heart, I am bruised…. I am sore,

But this cord is my lifeline, as never before

I am thankful that God, connects us this way

A mother and child, Death can't take away!

~ Author Unknown

Before I experienced the death of my daughter, I was not fully aware of what HOSPICE meant. I even had a misunderstanding of all what they did for people. My belief was partly correct... when someone who is elderly and passing away they might go away to a hospice in the last part of their life. I recalled when Shayla’s Aunt was dying from Cancer; she had a brief interaction with the hospice society in the Okanagan.

After Shayla passed away, I was given grief books, sent links to places that offered help; but try as I may to seek a grain of understanding of her sudden, tragic passing…nothing resonated within me. Then someone I had went to Elementary School with and reconnected later in life, shared with me about The Langley Hospice Society. She did not push, rather coaxed me along the winding road of my mourning and steered me gently into the resource within my own community. 

When I discovered the wide range of services they offered, I was amazed.  I could try and put into my own words what is accessible, but I prefer to quote from their website: http://www.langleyhospice.com  in order to give a clear idea.

  

The Langley Hospice Society is...

·  a registered not-for-profit charitable organization established in 1983

·  committed to providing emotional and practical support for people who are living with a life-limiting illness, their family and friends throughout the last stage of illness, at the time of death and bereavement.

·  funded through general donations, fundraising events, memorial and in honour gifts, planned giving, grants, Second Story Treasures Thrift Store, BC Gaming, United Way and a service contract with Fraser Health.

After discovering for myself the services I could benefit the most from, I began to see a Grief Counsellor on a regular basis. The attractive setting of flower gardens, lush foliage and streaming water is the outdoor environment for the remarkable built home that is now The Langley Hospice Society.

What I found beyond the doors was a beautiful camaraderie; a fellowship where I felt ‘accepted’ in this new role as a bereaved mother. This required patience on my part. Likewise, a great deal of me trusting others, before I fully acknowledged that I was now someone who had lost their only child.

Gradually, over time I was provided the valuable information on a Grief Recovery Group that was to begin last summer. My instinct at first was to back away from anything associated with a group setting. It was one thing amongst close friends and Shayla’s family to openly share about her passing… but I never thought I was going to feel comfortable enough to sit amongst others and divulge my personal journey! Yet as time progressed, I felt more uncomfortable with not being able to share the pain. I know my partner was deluged with my sorrow; he had to walk everyday into a home that was more of a museum to my daughter, than a refuge. Something had to change…I needed to be able to meet others who could sympathize with loss. 

As The Langley Hospice Society prides itself on offering privacy and respect, I am not going to reveal any specific details or the people that I met. Still, I feel to give proper accolades to this compassionate organization, it is important to honour the growth that happened to me, personally. In group, I was able to share unspeakable things-the nature of Shayla’s death- that was critical to me to be able to talk about. I even struggled with the unimaginable request to see the Autopsy report. Those reading this that have never lost a child in a car accident, could not fathom why I would want such information. What I can say is because of someone I met and who had extensive medical knowledge, they gently advised me against doing this as there are horrible images you can never erase. In sharing this very private experience, there maybe someone out there who can relate to what I speak of.

Furthermore, people struggling may want to connect with others, yet not know where to turn. I would encourage them to reach out to their local Hospice Society. One never knows who they may meet in the comforts of this non-profit organization…someone that can truly look you in the eye and say: “I really do understand.”  Maybe, if you are as fortunate as I am, you will make friends even after the group has ended. My life has been enriched by several people I met and some of them have taken part in The Heart Pebble Movement. A kind-hearted soul I was introduced to is a lady known as Shivani. She has seen me thru the upheaval, supported my quest for justice and assisted my exploration of loss. Her caring nature saw me at one point, throw caution to the wind and allow my sails to guide me away from my safe harbour.

Last year, I received a different kind of healing grace when a pebble that I had given to Shivani was placed in Heffley Lake, located 27 miles northeast of Kamloops, BC. What I was struck most by in the snapshot was not just the location of the pebble- already immersed in water-but the tender placement of two, single flowers. It gave the beautiful setting purpose; reaching out to me with wellness-without fear. It was not a photo to weep over; rather it celebrated a life well-lived! 

In my passage into loss, I have stood up for many things my daughter would be proud of. Shayla’s memory also helps to remind me instead of sinking into the melancholy; I have to remember to let in thru the cracks- the sunshine. For me, tomorrow’s uncertainty is a new opportunity to learn more. Otherwise it simply could be a day where I abandon the walls, remove the masks and allow the grief to continue making its way throughout me.

By T L. Alton 

*Further information on The Langley Hospice Society can be found at: http://www.langleyhospice.com