On the 1st Day of Christmas~ Commemoration

“Not one person on earth is immune to crime and trauma.”

― Shahla Khan

While most people’s thoughts of the holidays are filled with family traditions, much-loved holiday dishes and wishes for Santa, there are those who Christmas’s are touched by the bereavement of a loved one passed on. 

Then there are the groupings of people who have their festivities tainted by violence…the ones whose lives have been impacted by the unthinkable; someone they love was murdered in an act of violence. As I write this, on average, every six days a woman in Canada is killed by her intimate partner. Over 80% of sex crime victims are women, while according to the RCMP, 800 to 1200 people are trafficked in and through Canada every year.

As I am the Survivor of abuse- in many horrific forms- I raised my own daughter to be aware of the dangers presented in our society. Try as I might, nothing could protect Shayla herself from becoming a victim of violence. Yet, both of us as mother and daughter refused to be labelled solely as a victim and took action.  

For almost a decade, we participated in December 6^th, Canada’s National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women and Children. 

The foundation of this day came at the end of fourteen women’s lives in 1989, known as the Montreal Massacre at École Polytechnique in Montreal, Quebec. 

Today on the 25^th Anniversary, people gathered to pay respects to the woman who were pursuing their dreams. Their lives were shattered by an armed madman with a hatred towards females he deemed ‘feminists’ and claimed they were responsible for ruining his life. Others were wounded and there were survivors- yet their lives would be altered forever by the tragedy of that day. 

In the past week, I have gathered donations of journals, toiletries, socks, mitts etc that was donated to the event I attended. Tucked amongst the items was a new purple, velvet Christmas stocking that has stitched into it, “Princess.” 

 Every year, I would buy Shayla a new, unique stocking. The reason I donated it was because my 21 year old daughter never had the chance to see it. Her own life would tragically be taken in a car accident on December 12^th 2011. 

This picture was made into a button which I wore at the events I attended

On the eve of December 6th, at Holland Point Park, I gave my donations that will be distributed to a variety of Victoria and Duncan women’s organizations. Since I had arrived early, I decided to take a stroll around the ocean, which I was in need of visiting. As I stepped through the woods, I could not have imagined the beauty that awaited me. 

 The weather had called for rain and I packed my umbrella in case I needed it. I was delighted to see the sun setting beyond the horizon and gazed out in awe of the brilliance I was surrounded by. Looking down at the pin of Shayla I was wearing on my jacket, I smiled…knowing that I have survived through unspeakable things, which my daughter is so proud of me! 

I pulled out of my pocket an offering…a heart pebble engraved with the word ‘PEACE.’ This special pebble was for those fourteen souls whose lives were violently taken. 

With a few more steps towards the seaside, I released it to the waters below. Standing in solitude, I watched the ripples it made outwards. Much like the waves made from the legacies of the fourteen women, I honoured them with my own minute of silence as my heart broke for their families. 

Returning back to the gathering of people, I listened to an array of speakers, who conveyed the importance of ending all violence against women. 

A profound moment happened when the brother of one of the victims of the Montreal Massacre came to the podium and poured his heart out to those in attendance.  His beloved sister, Maud Haviernick, was a materials engineering student and amongst the women killed on December 6, 1989. He offered us a glimpse into who Maud was and aspired to be. He thanked everyone for coming. Then, along with Virginia Vaillancourt, Regional Women's Coordinator, PSAC B.C, he extended his sincerest gratitude for the monument which was revealed to the crowd. The importance of this permanent memorial came after much perseverance from Virginia, whose dedication and efforts have bestowed Victoria, with a place to come, reflect and never forget. 

Sarah McLachlan’s haunting ballads, “I Will Remember You” and  “Angel” played in the background. People’s names were called to place a candle light lotus into a small pool of water. I placed one in my name and then another in Shayla’s name. 

Later, I brought more donations to Victoria Cool Aid Society. My journey to meet Sasha at the organizations table saw me go on a small adventure. As I had parked far away, I was carrying with me my bag of donations and could not find where they were located. I spotted a taxi and explained to the man driving, “Jerry” that I needed to drop off my donations. I told him where I thought I was supposed to go. He kindly offered a ride and we took off to Ogden Point, quite a distance from where I got in. He waited while I ran up to another non-profit organization table, who promptly said I was in the wrong area and that I needed to go back to my original location. When I got back in, I was worried about the fare, but carried on back to the Inner harbour. When we arrived, he smiled and wished me well…saying there was no charge because of what I was doing! I wished him a Merry Christmas! 

Finally, I managed to find Victoria Cool Aid Society. Sacha listened intently to my story, where I had been earlier at Holland Park and also about my daughter’s legacy. There are times when you meet someone and it is as if you knew each other in another life. Sacha has a warmth about her, an enchanting smile and a kind heart. I know this because I can tell when people truly care about who Shayla was when I explain my loss. We hugged and I gave her a Christmas card with a heart ornament and the link to The Heart Pebble Movement. I left with much valued information on the foundation whose motto is “Building Homes, Lives and Community.” 

 

Sacha and I

Amongst the throngs of people, I encountered a mother and daughter, who were out to enjoy the Lighted Truck Parade. The universe seemed to bring us together and soon I was sharing about my own bond with Shayla. I looked to see the tears swelling and gave the daughter, whose name I recall being "Kat," a gentle hug and wished them both the best of the upcoming holiday season.

On the first day of my Christmas, I received the gift of Remembrance. The invaluable present given to me is the fragility of life and the need to place others before myself. 

Walking back to my vehicle, Shayla was ever present on my thoughts. Suddenly, I heard a familiar song that stopped me in my tracks. Years ago, while still a high school student, Shayla created a video. It was dedicated to someone she attended school with, who had been shot and killed. The touching collaboration she made was to the lyrics by P. Diddy’s mix of “I’ll Be Missing You.”  It seemed appropriate given the nature of how I had spent my day that this would be the song blasting down the road. I decided to see where it was coming from; expecting to see a pimped out Cadillac and a group of young men, blinged out. To my sheer amusement, there in a Volkswagen convertible, was a gray haired elder man, rocking it out as he drove down the main street. It was the perfect ending to a day filled with emotion. 

I anticipate more unexpected moments of glee, surprises and enlightenment as I continue with the next 11 days of pursuits in no particular order. With me, every step of the way… is my own angel, watching over the woman she called, her Momma.

By T.L. Alton 

*Please note, if any names are misspelled, contact me and I will correct them.

An Intention to Embrace Wellness

The Cord

We are connected, my child and I,

By an invisible cord, not seen by the eye

It's not like the cord that connects us 'til birth

This cord can't be seen, by any on earth

This cord does its work, right from the start

It binds us together, attached to my heart

I know that it's there, though no one can see

The invisible cord from my child to me

The strength of this cord, man couldn’t create

It withstands the test, can hold any weight

And though you are gone, though you're not here with me,

The cord is still there but no one can see

It pulls at my heart, I am bruised…. I am sore,

But this cord is my lifeline, as never before

I am thankful that God, connects us this way

A mother and child, Death can't take away!

~ Author Unknown

Before I experienced the death of my daughter, I was not fully aware of what HOSPICE meant. I even had a misunderstanding of all what they did for people. My belief was partly correct... when someone who is elderly and passing away they might go away to a hospice in the last part of their life. I recalled when Shayla’s Aunt was dying from Cancer; she had a brief interaction with the hospice society in the Okanagan.

After Shayla passed away, I was given grief books, sent links to places that offered help; but try as I may to seek a grain of understanding of her sudden, tragic passing…nothing resonated within me. Then someone I had went to Elementary School with and reconnected later in life, shared with me about The Langley Hospice Society. She did not push, rather coaxed me along the winding road of my mourning and steered me gently into the resource within my own community. 

When I discovered the wide range of services they offered, I was amazed.  I could try and put into my own words what is accessible, but I prefer to quote from their website: http://www.langleyhospice.com  in order to give a clear idea.

  

The Langley Hospice Society is...

·  a registered not-for-profit charitable organization established in 1983

·  committed to providing emotional and practical support for people who are living with a life-limiting illness, their family and friends throughout the last stage of illness, at the time of death and bereavement.

·  funded through general donations, fundraising events, memorial and in honour gifts, planned giving, grants, Second Story Treasures Thrift Store, BC Gaming, United Way and a service contract with Fraser Health.

After discovering for myself the services I could benefit the most from, I began to see a Grief Counsellor on a regular basis. The attractive setting of flower gardens, lush foliage and streaming water is the outdoor environment for the remarkable built home that is now The Langley Hospice Society.

What I found beyond the doors was a beautiful camaraderie; a fellowship where I felt ‘accepted’ in this new role as a bereaved mother. This required patience on my part. Likewise, a great deal of me trusting others, before I fully acknowledged that I was now someone who had lost their only child.

Gradually, over time I was provided the valuable information on a Grief Recovery Group that was to begin last summer. My instinct at first was to back away from anything associated with a group setting. It was one thing amongst close friends and Shayla’s family to openly share about her passing… but I never thought I was going to feel comfortable enough to sit amongst others and divulge my personal journey! Yet as time progressed, I felt more uncomfortable with not being able to share the pain. I know my partner was deluged with my sorrow; he had to walk everyday into a home that was more of a museum to my daughter, than a refuge. Something had to change…I needed to be able to meet others who could sympathize with loss. 

As The Langley Hospice Society prides itself on offering privacy and respect, I am not going to reveal any specific details or the people that I met. Still, I feel to give proper accolades to this compassionate organization, it is important to honour the growth that happened to me, personally. In group, I was able to share unspeakable things-the nature of Shayla’s death- that was critical to me to be able to talk about. I even struggled with the unimaginable request to see the Autopsy report. Those reading this that have never lost a child in a car accident, could not fathom why I would want such information. What I can say is because of someone I met and who had extensive medical knowledge, they gently advised me against doing this as there are horrible images you can never erase. In sharing this very private experience, there maybe someone out there who can relate to what I speak of.

Furthermore, people struggling may want to connect with others, yet not know where to turn. I would encourage them to reach out to their local Hospice Society. One never knows who they may meet in the comforts of this non-profit organization…someone that can truly look you in the eye and say: “I really do understand.”  Maybe, if you are as fortunate as I am, you will make friends even after the group has ended. My life has been enriched by several people I met and some of them have taken part in The Heart Pebble Movement. A kind-hearted soul I was introduced to is a lady known as Shivani. She has seen me thru the upheaval, supported my quest for justice and assisted my exploration of loss. Her caring nature saw me at one point, throw caution to the wind and allow my sails to guide me away from my safe harbour.

Last year, I received a different kind of healing grace when a pebble that I had given to Shivani was placed in Heffley Lake, located 27 miles northeast of Kamloops, BC. What I was struck most by in the snapshot was not just the location of the pebble- already immersed in water-but the tender placement of two, single flowers. It gave the beautiful setting purpose; reaching out to me with wellness-without fear. It was not a photo to weep over; rather it celebrated a life well-lived! 

In my passage into loss, I have stood up for many things my daughter would be proud of. Shayla’s memory also helps to remind me instead of sinking into the melancholy; I have to remember to let in thru the cracks- the sunshine. For me, tomorrow’s uncertainty is a new opportunity to learn more. Otherwise it simply could be a day where I abandon the walls, remove the masks and allow the grief to continue making its way throughout me.

By T L. Alton 

*Further information on The Langley Hospice Society can be found at: http://www.langleyhospice.com

THYME ON 43RD ~ Brookswood Luminaire

When people lose someone they love, the inclination to forget self-care is a consistent factor in the grieving process. Recently, it was brought up in conversation that I must be doing well as I am able to write posts in my blog. I shudder at the notion that someone can define me as in good health, merely because I chose to share words. For me to be carrying on daily, it takes every bit of strength and courage; even to face the world. It is much easier to ‘hide’ behind a computer screen than to actually be in society on a regular basis. When I do venture out, it is to specific places where I feel that I will be in control. Additionally, I prefer locations which reflect the harmony I am seeking.  

THYME ON 43^RD JAPANESE GARDENS is one of those settings that transformed my intention of finding some peace into reality. This stunning place was discovered in December of last year, when I was not looking forward to the holiday season.

Upon arriving at the location in Langley, B.C, the grounds had been transformed into a breathtaking winterscape of brilliant LED lights, Christmas décor and a fusion of warmth; all found in the outdoor structures. 

Every detailed adornment was blended in a whimsical style. Combining the beauty of nature with exceptional golden baubles, lighted deer and a captivating angel, gave the impression of tranquility layered with elegance. 

 My attention was pulled in many directions as I kept finding the loveliest of objects interspersed amongst the Japanese Gardens. Walking over the wooden bridge, I was drawn in by the sound of a cascading waterfall, which plunged into a pond filled with multicolored Koi fish. I strolled along the stone interlocked with lush thyme and found myself, along with my partner, being welcomed by the element of fire at the outdoor hearth.

It was pointed out the roof covering the seating area was active with living plants, which promote a clean atmosphere and is a habitat for birds in the area to come nest. All of the spectacular grounds were created and designed by native Japanese landscapers. 

As a person who has volunteered many years of dedication to community and assisting others, I understand the value and importance of giving back. What impressed me with THYME ON 43^RD JAPANESE GARDENS was the owner- Evelyn Faulkner’s purpose for opening her one- acre gardens to the general public; for a period of time back in December. She kindly asked for any donations to be made at the gate entrance to the gardens, in support of Ronald McDonald House. 

A recent post by Evelyn Faulkner on THYME ON 43^RD JAPANESE GARDENS Facebook page states:    

“Thank you to everyone for their generous donations to Ronald McDonald House during our recent event, Brookswood Luminaire! We raised $5200.00 which enables a family to stay at the house for 80 nights! Well done!”

As I am not on Facebook anymore, I was fortunate to still be able to access the update and provide to my readers, the generous contributions people made over the holiday season, to the worthy cause of Ronald McDonald House.

Being a mother who has lost a child, I was able to connect with Evelyn Faulkner’s purpose of supporting an organization that assists families when they are facing challenging times. For me, I found grace under the shelter of palm trees, in the midst of a darken night aglow with marvelous simplicity. It was a place where I could abandon my sorrow and accustom myself to the sheer idea of wellness. 

This one evening in December, uncertain of what I may find, I was greeted by the devotion of those wanting to share the true essence of what Christmas is all about: to stir the imagination, ignite the senses and find the light within all of us. 

By T L. Alton 

* I would like to further add THYME ON 43RD  JAPANESE GARDENS is seeking Corporate Sponsorship. As Evelyn would like to open her garden 1 day a week for respite, for caregivers and people needing healing in any way. If she were able to secure Sponsorship, she considers it a blessing.

* Thyme on 43rd is located at 21004 43 Ave. For further information on booking THYME ON 43^RD JAPANESE GARDENS for Fundraisers, Private Tours and Events, Contact: info@thymeon43rd.com or 

Telephone: 604-534-5902