On the Sixth Day of Christmas ~ Reawakening

Clouds come floating into my life,
no longer to carry rain or usher storm,
but to add color to my sunset sky.
- Rabindranath Tagore

There is a time for everything. We enter this world by numerals which signify life and we leave this life with numbers that represent our deaths. I know the moment when my daughter perished and it has a correlation to a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them.

Three years have passed in which I have found the courage to once again celebrate Shayla in the only form she would want: rejoicing. 

On this year’s December 12^th, I travelled to one of the realms free from strife…Butterfly Gardens in Brentwood Bay. 

The butterfly ornament I bought to pay respects to a life that has evolved

 As I enter, I share with the employees why I am clutching a pink ballerina teddy bear, affectionately called Babygirl. Years ago, my daughter made for me, a Create-A-Bear. When the little paw is gently squeezed, Shayla’s voice carries out the words: “I Love You Shoobie Doobie Do.” I cannot say how many times I have listened to it play, yet I can reveal … the absolute joy it gives me to hear them.

The staff members at Butterfly Gardens are always helpful and informative. As I enter through the doors I share with a lady about my visit. I also provide her with information about the movement. Proceeding into the tropical nature, I sit and listen to the flamingos, along with a variety of birds and the graceful cascade of a waterfall. All around, the Blue Morpho flits about. I watch in amazement at their breath-taking display of expanding their wings, which produces a transition of russet and indigo blue hues, when they are in flight. 

Moments later, I near the wishing well to place amongst the shimmering coins tossed amongst others, my contribution. I glance at the sign which states:  100 % of donations go to OPPORTUNITYCAN - To end poverty and transform lives, I am stopped by the most welcome of interruptions. Perched on my arm is a Blue Morpho. I look intently at this beautiful creature, which seems to be doing the same to me. Soon, I am overwhelmed with the reminder of my daughter’s symbol being the butterfly. I dare not move, but whisper…”Hello Babygirl.” This gift of life on my arm is a loving echo of the metamorphosis she undertook three years ago. 

Before I leave, I sit upon a bench while the poignant verse of William Wordsworth dedication to a butterfly comes to mind…

 I've watched you now a full half-hour;

Self-poised upon that yellow flower

And, little Butterfly! Indeed

I know not if you sleep or feed.

How motionless! - Not frozen seas

More motionless! And then

What joy awaits you, when the breeze

Hath found you out among the trees,

And calls you forth again!

Next, I drive into Victoria to check into Magnolia Hotel and Spa. 

When the General Manager, Bill Lewis, heard of my story and how Shayla-along with myself-were to have stayed there in December 2011, he gifted me a complimentary night in a magnificent suite. I booked it for December 12^th, knowing that is what Shayla would have wanted for me.

Me standing holding "Babygirl" where I was to have stayed with Shayla, three years ago...at Magnolia Hotel

Later after unpacking my belongings for the night, I opened the suite balcony door. To my delight- a stunning visual of the Legislative buildings lights mirrored a vision of beauty- on the surface of the Inner Harbour. 

Originally, I had no dinner plans, until a woman I had met at the local December 6^h Candle light Memorial for an end to Violence against Woman, sent me an email. Virginia Vaillancourt knew I would be alone on the anniversary of Shayla’s passing. She offered to take me to dinner anywhere I liked. I mentioned Shayla’s favourite meals were seafood fare. 

Virginia promptly took me to Nautical Nellie’s; a local restaurant with dishes focussed on a menu infused with the sea. While perusing the choices, Virginia asked if I would like to share in some wine. I was humbled by her generosity and agreed to whatever she chose. When the bottle came, I was pleased at what she had decided upon. Virginia did not know anything about my novel regarding a magical tree which has a quote about roots or that I was from Kelowna, yet she selected a white wine from an Okanagan winery (Mission Hill), called “Rootstock.” I explained all of the relation of things and when it came time for a toast, we said:  “To-Shae.” 

While speaking with Virginia, my eyes were averted to two of her striking tattoos. On her one arm was a hummingbird and on the other, was a turtle. I spoke of the unique tattoo that I had embellished upon my skin, in honour of the drawing Shayla had created years ago. Afterwards, I showed off my pride of having something exceptional on my body, which my daughter had envisioned and drawn. 

What I quickly discovered about my dinner companion was how intently she listened to me share, mostly about my babygirl…but also concerning life’s lessons. There were tears shed, stories exchanged and a fabulous burst of giggles over a few menu items-the Bag of Doughnuts and pappardelle had us amused. It was one of those… you had to be there moments. In the midst of our dinner, it suddenly occurred to me that since Shayla could no longer come to me in human form and hold my hand, she had sent an angel in the likeness of Virginia.

 

 After several hours of being together, this woman, who I had only met briefly once at her event, divulged to me that for some reason there is a connection between us and offered me a box that displayed a grand message. 

I felt my emotions gathering in my mind and soon the tears met up to spill over my weary soul. Inside the box is an opalescent heart, filled with glints of light. Perched on it, is a sterling silver butterfly, encrusted with sparkling, precious gemstones . My heart starts beating faster, reminding me that this moment is actually happening. I am unassuming of her pure intentions to console a grieving mother, though I can see the impact she is having on me. 

All that Glitters

In that instant of connection, Virginia has taken it upon herself to smolder the blackness of angst with the light of who she is; filled with unveiled grace. I sit in awe of this person who took the time to listen to a bereaved mother, relive the tragedy of that fateful day. Then recalling how she reached out to hold onto my trembling hands, she found some way to emerge from me… the smiles that overtook my mourning. 

Later on, as she spoke of her community connections and what she does to impact our world in a kind-hearted manner… I felt a heavenly presence. One in which, my path had intersected with someone whose values paralleled mine and gently reminded me that I was NOT alone!

Upon returning to my suite, I set on a table a display of LED candles and a framed picture of Shayla celebrating the holiday’s years ago. 

I let myself take in the beauty I was surrounded by. Sitting in one of the comfortable chairs, I opened the box of Hawaiian chocolates and other favourite treats of Shayla's.

I then took out the butterfly necklace from Virginia. After a few snapshots, I put on the delicate jewellery and tenderly pressed upon it, near my heart. I reached into my bag and grabbed the most recent copy of Okanagan Woman Magazine. The publication once featured a story I had written right after Shayla had passed. The magazine is published by dear friends of mine, TJ and Dean Wallis. It brought me more comfort to snuggle under the blankets and have something worthy of reading. 

A few moments later, I thought the one thing missing- in addition to my angel by my side- was something Shayla  absolutely took delight in; the fire log channel on television. I grabbed the remote and hoped to find it on the TV in my suite. As I turned on the power, I was thrilled to see the very first channel that appeared was the SHAW Fire Log ! 

This made my heart warm as it was the perfect ending to such a traumatic day in my life. As the ‘embers’ crackled and the fire danced upon the screen, I knew I would continue to survive and thrive on this unimaginable reflection of loss. Yet, Hope existed in a reawakening I never could have envisioned.

As people slumbered, the world would begin again…with me in it. 

BY T.L. Alton

On the 1st Day of Christmas~ Commemoration

“Not one person on earth is immune to crime and trauma.”

― Shahla Khan

While most people’s thoughts of the holidays are filled with family traditions, much-loved holiday dishes and wishes for Santa, there are those who Christmas’s are touched by the bereavement of a loved one passed on. 

Then there are the groupings of people who have their festivities tainted by violence…the ones whose lives have been impacted by the unthinkable; someone they love was murdered in an act of violence. As I write this, on average, every six days a woman in Canada is killed by her intimate partner. Over 80% of sex crime victims are women, while according to the RCMP, 800 to 1200 people are trafficked in and through Canada every year.

As I am the Survivor of abuse- in many horrific forms- I raised my own daughter to be aware of the dangers presented in our society. Try as I might, nothing could protect Shayla herself from becoming a victim of violence. Yet, both of us as mother and daughter refused to be labelled solely as a victim and took action.  

For almost a decade, we participated in December 6^th, Canada’s National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women and Children. 

The foundation of this day came at the end of fourteen women’s lives in 1989, known as the Montreal Massacre at École Polytechnique in Montreal, Quebec. 

Today on the 25^th Anniversary, people gathered to pay respects to the woman who were pursuing their dreams. Their lives were shattered by an armed madman with a hatred towards females he deemed ‘feminists’ and claimed they were responsible for ruining his life. Others were wounded and there were survivors- yet their lives would be altered forever by the tragedy of that day. 

In the past week, I have gathered donations of journals, toiletries, socks, mitts etc that was donated to the event I attended. Tucked amongst the items was a new purple, velvet Christmas stocking that has stitched into it, “Princess.” 

 Every year, I would buy Shayla a new, unique stocking. The reason I donated it was because my 21 year old daughter never had the chance to see it. Her own life would tragically be taken in a car accident on December 12^th 2011. 

This picture was made into a button which I wore at the events I attended

On the eve of December 6th, at Holland Point Park, I gave my donations that will be distributed to a variety of Victoria and Duncan women’s organizations. Since I had arrived early, I decided to take a stroll around the ocean, which I was in need of visiting. As I stepped through the woods, I could not have imagined the beauty that awaited me. 

 The weather had called for rain and I packed my umbrella in case I needed it. I was delighted to see the sun setting beyond the horizon and gazed out in awe of the brilliance I was surrounded by. Looking down at the pin of Shayla I was wearing on my jacket, I smiled…knowing that I have survived through unspeakable things, which my daughter is so proud of me! 

I pulled out of my pocket an offering…a heart pebble engraved with the word ‘PEACE.’ This special pebble was for those fourteen souls whose lives were violently taken. 

With a few more steps towards the seaside, I released it to the waters below. Standing in solitude, I watched the ripples it made outwards. Much like the waves made from the legacies of the fourteen women, I honoured them with my own minute of silence as my heart broke for their families. 

Returning back to the gathering of people, I listened to an array of speakers, who conveyed the importance of ending all violence against women. 

A profound moment happened when the brother of one of the victims of the Montreal Massacre came to the podium and poured his heart out to those in attendance.  His beloved sister, Maud Haviernick, was a materials engineering student and amongst the women killed on December 6, 1989. He offered us a glimpse into who Maud was and aspired to be. He thanked everyone for coming. Then, along with Virginia Vaillancourt, Regional Women's Coordinator, PSAC B.C, he extended his sincerest gratitude for the monument which was revealed to the crowd. The importance of this permanent memorial came after much perseverance from Virginia, whose dedication and efforts have bestowed Victoria, with a place to come, reflect and never forget. 

Sarah McLachlan’s haunting ballads, “I Will Remember You” and  “Angel” played in the background. People’s names were called to place a candle light lotus into a small pool of water. I placed one in my name and then another in Shayla’s name. 

Later, I brought more donations to Victoria Cool Aid Society. My journey to meet Sasha at the organizations table saw me go on a small adventure. As I had parked far away, I was carrying with me my bag of donations and could not find where they were located. I spotted a taxi and explained to the man driving, “Jerry” that I needed to drop off my donations. I told him where I thought I was supposed to go. He kindly offered a ride and we took off to Ogden Point, quite a distance from where I got in. He waited while I ran up to another non-profit organization table, who promptly said I was in the wrong area and that I needed to go back to my original location. When I got back in, I was worried about the fare, but carried on back to the Inner harbour. When we arrived, he smiled and wished me well…saying there was no charge because of what I was doing! I wished him a Merry Christmas! 

Finally, I managed to find Victoria Cool Aid Society. Sacha listened intently to my story, where I had been earlier at Holland Park and also about my daughter’s legacy. There are times when you meet someone and it is as if you knew each other in another life. Sacha has a warmth about her, an enchanting smile and a kind heart. I know this because I can tell when people truly care about who Shayla was when I explain my loss. We hugged and I gave her a Christmas card with a heart ornament and the link to The Heart Pebble Movement. I left with much valued information on the foundation whose motto is “Building Homes, Lives and Community.” 

 

Sacha and I

Amongst the throngs of people, I encountered a mother and daughter, who were out to enjoy the Lighted Truck Parade. The universe seemed to bring us together and soon I was sharing about my own bond with Shayla. I looked to see the tears swelling and gave the daughter, whose name I recall being "Kat," a gentle hug and wished them both the best of the upcoming holiday season.

On the first day of my Christmas, I received the gift of Remembrance. The invaluable present given to me is the fragility of life and the need to place others before myself. 

Walking back to my vehicle, Shayla was ever present on my thoughts. Suddenly, I heard a familiar song that stopped me in my tracks. Years ago, while still a high school student, Shayla created a video. It was dedicated to someone she attended school with, who had been shot and killed. The touching collaboration she made was to the lyrics by P. Diddy’s mix of “I’ll Be Missing You.”  It seemed appropriate given the nature of how I had spent my day that this would be the song blasting down the road. I decided to see where it was coming from; expecting to see a pimped out Cadillac and a group of young men, blinged out. To my sheer amusement, there in a Volkswagen convertible, was a gray haired elder man, rocking it out as he drove down the main street. It was the perfect ending to a day filled with emotion. 

I anticipate more unexpected moments of glee, surprises and enlightenment as I continue with the next 11 days of pursuits in no particular order. With me, every step of the way… is my own angel, watching over the woman she called, her Momma.

By T.L. Alton 

*Please note, if any names are misspelled, contact me and I will correct them.