On the Twelfth Day of Christmas ~ Unbreakable

As I write my last post for 2014 on The Heart Pebble Movement Blog, I am in awe of what has taken place over the 12 Days of Christmas- a mother and daughter’s unprecedented version. 

One promise I made to myself was to never indulge in the “What-if’s” of experiences Shayla and I would have shared in December 2011. You cannot grasp hold of the limitless if your foot is cemented in the past. 

I have been exceptionally blessed by the true meaning of the season- giving, yet equally gifted by the beauty of receiving. Along the path of winter to come, I- as a bereaved mother- have been embraced by strangers, shared tears with other parents, found the glitter of HOPE in a butterfly heart necklace and been tenderly looked after by people, I hardly know. 

I can attest to sharing marvellous moments with ‘Angels,’ who have come in every form to a woman… who at times, has felt abandoned. When the Cimmerian shade of grief twists my emotions with such a massive force that blinds me, it is the hand of God reaching from the Heaven’s, to calm the angry ocean waters separating my split heart. 

Something in the Water            * Click on Link By Carrie Underwood

As the Lords breath whispers to me that I am HIS Creation, I do not fear my own existence concluding, because every night my hands folded in prayers…I am assured Life does carry on. These past twelve days have been proof of things whether visible or not- reminders of angels which simply means: “Messengers.” 

I believe they do take human form in order to carry out His will. That everyday miracles are deciphered only by those who experience them. I consider those who have assisted me, whether by helping me with my vehicle, paying for my groceries or offering a complimentary night’s stay in a beautiful hotel, to be awe-inspiring moments of grace. 

When I was fretting all week about having a ride to the Hospital for my surgery, I met a lovely couple in the most unlikely place, who have taken me under their wings and offered me a peace of mind. I received home-made Turkey soup from this ‘angel’ who was already thinking of my recovery!

There are times when you find yourself willing to open your eyes to the heavenly presence and accept that random knock...even if the door is bolted.

Much like nurturing the roots of a tree- taken from its original spot and re-located- I will require great care in re-establishing my own set of roots on an Island, I call home. 

The previous twelve days have all been gifts from my sweet angel, Shayla. I have received Commemoration, Luminosity, Nostalgia, Song, Tenacity, Reawakening, Capriciousness, Sparkle, Insight, Tradition and Reliance.

 

Each time I embarked on a new activity, I was reminded how our lives intersect with others in extraordinary ways! I also pondered on the aspect of receiving one gift that never materialized…or so I thought- the Gift of Love. 

I am not speaking of the basic love for one another, but rather the unquenchable encounter of meeting someone and seeing your names etched together on a tombstone. Much like J.R.R. Tolkien, whose insatiable passion for the woman he loved-Edith, saw him wait nearly three years to even lay a gaze upon her beautiful soul again. They are buried together and on their marker under their names are Lúthien and Beren. In Tolkien's Middle-earth legendarium, they were characters he created to honour the love they shared in this world and the sacred realm.  

I believe all writers pour something of themselves into their passion…for me; it is the main inspiration of Christian and Skylar, who live on in the fortitude of my heart. 

When I went to post my last entry, it occurred to me that Shayla wanted me to have the most compelling present, right before my operation. It is the gift that has seen me withstand countless trials and tribulations- the one given to me was “Unbreakable.” 

Time after time, I have withstood storms that most would have been washed away by the pounding surf. I have endured betrayal, scorn, and torment at the very hands of some of those I have loved. I stood before a Police Officer and was handed the blows of death in losing my only child. I have trusted when I should have run and I have given until the life within me drained slowly away…

Yet this not only makes me human, like the rest of us…but also UNBREAKABLE!  With no crystal ball peering into the future, I can be assured of the following: Much like a participant in The Maze Runner, I am mapping out my Destiny, knowing full well that GOD holds my original blueprints.

The song I chose to share,"Unbreakable" is reminiscent of the future love of my life...the man who will guard my heart with his sincerity. He will be patient as I slowly open myself up to the notion of trusting someone again, after all that I have endured. 

Song: Unbreakable   Artist: Jamie Scott    

http://youtu.be/V4fIoWYZvY0

During this time of honouring the 12 days, I was blessed with the care of others; some remain unnamed as they helped me out of kindness and wanted nothing in return. 

I leave all of you with this brilliant quote, recently sent to me by my dear friend, Mindy Herman. 

"To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson 

 I Dedicate this to All of Us who have LIVED! 

Song: I LIVED!  Artist: One Republic    
http://youtu.be/CMStV5KWB_U

I wish everyone the Merriest of Christmas’s and Thank You from my heart to yours, for coming along for the journey!

Blessings, T.L. Alton

A Reminder of True Camaraderie

Beauty is the moment of transition, as if the form were just ready to flow into other forms. –Ralph Waldo Emerson

If someone told me there would be moments of light amidst the umbrella of darkness as I continue my passage through grieving, I could not fathom it. Yet, the roots of sorrow have reached out, wrapping my fragile parts with compassion. Sometimes it is from my dearest friends, others it is complete strangers.  Regardless of the source, I have found myself enveloped by the love and consideration of those who swallow their own uneasiness. In its place they offer their sympathises.

In a previous post, I spoke of those who have opted to ‘walk away’ from me; a grieving mother. This blog is dedicated to those, who despite the complex nature of remaining friends with someone suffering a loss…persevere and stick thru the journey…good or bad. I have already written about my best friend Lori and dear friend, Katherine. In paying tribute to them and by sharing the ups and downs of friendships; it is my hope another bereaved parent realizes they are not alone in their own anguish.

One thing I have learned from the passing of Shayla is my need to DO something, anything to reclaim what death took away…my rights to my daughter’s life. These past eleven months have seen me fight for changes to a dangerous road and create an event- ShaeHarmony- to help raise funds for a bursary in Shayla’s name. All of these matters have interrupted my grieving process. I have had to stand up for my daughter’s name and be the voice when hers was silenced. Stemming from this mired process, I have discovered friendships along the way, which have balanced out the despair.

It was as a result of ShaeHarmony that a friend of Shayla’s, Mindy Herman, offered to volunteer. Now, anyone who has planned a large event knows the tremendous stress associated with it and if you add grieving a loved one, all can be overwhelming. I do not recommend anything like I hosted- especially within the first year. I was fortunate though that because of ShaeHarmony, Mindy came into my life.

This vibrant soul is a source of radiance, her kind smile and tender hugs have been a supply of compassion that I needed. From the beginning, Mindy was motivated by wanting to give back, help me and share the enlightenment of who Shayla remains. As we have become friends; placing trust in her has come natural and freely.  Though we live hundreds of miles apart, the distance does not have any relevance in our closeness.

This summer, both Mindy and her friend, Aisha Choudhary (another friend of Shayla’s) came to visit me. With them were two other girlfriends and Aisha’s brother. I spoke in great lengths about my daughter, revealing the bond her and I shared and told them stories about Shayla that brought laughter, instead of tears. We spoke of ShaeHarmony and how grateful I was for both Mindy and Aisha’s support. Later that night, after dinner with Mindy, we all reconnected and they marvelled at how much I reminded them of my daughter…my movements, expressions and even my laugh was similar and it seemed to bring comfort to the girls. The greatest part of it was we were standing in a parking lot and every time I went to say goodbye, we would hug and then another story would be shared. This went on for a few hours, until I realized I had to finally go home and let them go. That night brought me some much needed relief from the sadness.

After they returned back to Kamloops, I received a package in the mail. Upon opening it, I discovered framed pictures of Mindy and Aisha and a beautiful Willow Tree figurine. This brought such grace to my heart, as I have been collecting the Willow Tree series for years. Over the years, Shayla bought me parts of the collection as gifts. My partner has added to my precious collection and now several pieces I bought for Shayla are rejoined with mine. Upon further unwrapping of the parcel, I found a CD with specially selected music all reflective of my daughter. Playing it for the first time, I was overcome with emotion as every song had a connection to Shayla and me. Now, replaying it over, it is as if it is the set list to our lives together. Receiving the parcel that held so much gracefulness was a statement that stated: “I WON’T GIVE UP ON YOU!”

The brightness found in friendship is when it continues to thrive despite the circumstances of how you met. The other day, I received from Mindy- via email- two photographs. She had been out for a walk and came upon heart-shaped leaves. With them, she created something magnificent and included two pebbles, she painted. I was moved by her gentle reminder of Shayla’s beauty found in nature.

Soon, I am travelling to see Mindy once again and stay with her at her home. One of the things  we had planned was for Aisha, Mindy and I to go see the rainbow coloured metal butterfly that was placed at the B.C. Wildlife Park in Kamloops. It is vibrant and engraved with: Shayla Rae Dawn Driver. This place holds special memories for me… as my daughter and I spent time, walking amongst the outdoors and animals. Shayla also went there with her boyfriend, David. One of the anticipated best parts was to be all of the dazzling lights. Unfortunately, the park is closed during the week ( open only on weekends) and the lights do not start until December 14. This visit will be postponed for now.
Every year, Paul and I would take Shayla on a ‘Twinkle Tour.’ Her rosy cheeks and grin from ear to ear saw the brilliance of the holidays shine thru in her eyes. As I no longer ‘celebrate’ the holidays, I am choosing other ways of honouring a life taken far too soon.

When there are days I think I cannot cope with the hole left behind…I go back and read just how much I have accomplished in a positive way. Every time I receive an email, photograph or video of where a pebble was placed… it reminds me of those I never would have ‘met,’ had it not been for The Heart Pebble Movement.

By T L. Alton