A Reminder of True Camaraderie

Beauty is the moment of transition, as if the form were just ready to flow into other forms. –Ralph Waldo Emerson

If someone told me there would be moments of light amidst the umbrella of darkness as I continue my passage through grieving, I could not fathom it. Yet, the roots of sorrow have reached out, wrapping my fragile parts with compassion. Sometimes it is from my dearest friends, others it is complete strangers.  Regardless of the source, I have found myself enveloped by the love and consideration of those who swallow their own uneasiness. In its place they offer their sympathises.

In a previous post, I spoke of those who have opted to ‘walk away’ from me; a grieving mother. This blog is dedicated to those, who despite the complex nature of remaining friends with someone suffering a loss…persevere and stick thru the journey…good or bad. I have already written about my best friend Lori and dear friend, Katherine. In paying tribute to them and by sharing the ups and downs of friendships; it is my hope another bereaved parent realizes they are not alone in their own anguish.

One thing I have learned from the passing of Shayla is my need to DO something, anything to reclaim what death took away…my rights to my daughter’s life. These past eleven months have seen me fight for changes to a dangerous road and create an event- ShaeHarmony- to help raise funds for a bursary in Shayla’s name. All of these matters have interrupted my grieving process. I have had to stand up for my daughter’s name and be the voice when hers was silenced. Stemming from this mired process, I have discovered friendships along the way, which have balanced out the despair.

It was as a result of ShaeHarmony that a friend of Shayla’s, Mindy Herman, offered to volunteer. Now, anyone who has planned a large event knows the tremendous stress associated with it and if you add grieving a loved one, all can be overwhelming. I do not recommend anything like I hosted- especially within the first year. I was fortunate though that because of ShaeHarmony, Mindy came into my life.

This vibrant soul is a source of radiance, her kind smile and tender hugs have been a supply of compassion that I needed. From the beginning, Mindy was motivated by wanting to give back, help me and share the enlightenment of who Shayla remains. As we have become friends; placing trust in her has come natural and freely.  Though we live hundreds of miles apart, the distance does not have any relevance in our closeness.

This summer, both Mindy and her friend, Aisha Choudhary (another friend of Shayla’s) came to visit me. With them were two other girlfriends and Aisha’s brother. I spoke in great lengths about my daughter, revealing the bond her and I shared and told them stories about Shayla that brought laughter, instead of tears. We spoke of ShaeHarmony and how grateful I was for both Mindy and Aisha’s support. Later that night, after dinner with Mindy, we all reconnected and they marvelled at how much I reminded them of my daughter…my movements, expressions and even my laugh was similar and it seemed to bring comfort to the girls. The greatest part of it was we were standing in a parking lot and every time I went to say goodbye, we would hug and then another story would be shared. This went on for a few hours, until I realized I had to finally go home and let them go. That night brought me some much needed relief from the sadness.

After they returned back to Kamloops, I received a package in the mail. Upon opening it, I discovered framed pictures of Mindy and Aisha and a beautiful Willow Tree figurine. This brought such grace to my heart, as I have been collecting the Willow Tree series for years. Over the years, Shayla bought me parts of the collection as gifts. My partner has added to my precious collection and now several pieces I bought for Shayla are rejoined with mine. Upon further unwrapping of the parcel, I found a CD with specially selected music all reflective of my daughter. Playing it for the first time, I was overcome with emotion as every song had a connection to Shayla and me. Now, replaying it over, it is as if it is the set list to our lives together. Receiving the parcel that held so much gracefulness was a statement that stated: “I WON’T GIVE UP ON YOU!”

The brightness found in friendship is when it continues to thrive despite the circumstances of how you met. The other day, I received from Mindy- via email- two photographs. She had been out for a walk and came upon heart-shaped leaves. With them, she created something magnificent and included two pebbles, she painted. I was moved by her gentle reminder of Shayla’s beauty found in nature.

Soon, I am travelling to see Mindy once again and stay with her at her home. One of the things  we had planned was for Aisha, Mindy and I to go see the rainbow coloured metal butterfly that was placed at the B.C. Wildlife Park in Kamloops. It is vibrant and engraved with: Shayla Rae Dawn Driver. This place holds special memories for me… as my daughter and I spent time, walking amongst the outdoors and animals. Shayla also went there with her boyfriend, David. One of the anticipated best parts was to be all of the dazzling lights. Unfortunately, the park is closed during the week ( open only on weekends) and the lights do not start until December 14. This visit will be postponed for now.
Every year, Paul and I would take Shayla on a ‘Twinkle Tour.’ Her rosy cheeks and grin from ear to ear saw the brilliance of the holidays shine thru in her eyes. As I no longer ‘celebrate’ the holidays, I am choosing other ways of honouring a life taken far too soon.

When there are days I think I cannot cope with the hole left behind…I go back and read just how much I have accomplished in a positive way. Every time I receive an email, photograph or video of where a pebble was placed… it reminds me of those I never would have ‘met,’ had it not been for The Heart Pebble Movement.

By T L. Alton