On the Twelfth Day of Christmas ~ Unbreakable

As I write my last post for 2014 on The Heart Pebble Movement Blog, I am in awe of what has taken place over the 12 Days of Christmas- a mother and daughter’s unprecedented version. 

One promise I made to myself was to never indulge in the “What-if’s” of experiences Shayla and I would have shared in December 2011. You cannot grasp hold of the limitless if your foot is cemented in the past. 

I have been exceptionally blessed by the true meaning of the season- giving, yet equally gifted by the beauty of receiving. Along the path of winter to come, I- as a bereaved mother- have been embraced by strangers, shared tears with other parents, found the glitter of HOPE in a butterfly heart necklace and been tenderly looked after by people, I hardly know. 

I can attest to sharing marvellous moments with ‘Angels,’ who have come in every form to a woman… who at times, has felt abandoned. When the Cimmerian shade of grief twists my emotions with such a massive force that blinds me, it is the hand of God reaching from the Heaven’s, to calm the angry ocean waters separating my split heart. 

Something in the Water            * Click on Link By Carrie Underwood

As the Lords breath whispers to me that I am HIS Creation, I do not fear my own existence concluding, because every night my hands folded in prayers…I am assured Life does carry on. These past twelve days have been proof of things whether visible or not- reminders of angels which simply means: “Messengers.” 

I believe they do take human form in order to carry out His will. That everyday miracles are deciphered only by those who experience them. I consider those who have assisted me, whether by helping me with my vehicle, paying for my groceries or offering a complimentary night’s stay in a beautiful hotel, to be awe-inspiring moments of grace. 

When I was fretting all week about having a ride to the Hospital for my surgery, I met a lovely couple in the most unlikely place, who have taken me under their wings and offered me a peace of mind. I received home-made Turkey soup from this ‘angel’ who was already thinking of my recovery!

There are times when you find yourself willing to open your eyes to the heavenly presence and accept that random knock...even if the door is bolted.

Much like nurturing the roots of a tree- taken from its original spot and re-located- I will require great care in re-establishing my own set of roots on an Island, I call home. 

The previous twelve days have all been gifts from my sweet angel, Shayla. I have received Commemoration, Luminosity, Nostalgia, Song, Tenacity, Reawakening, Capriciousness, Sparkle, Insight, Tradition and Reliance.

 

Each time I embarked on a new activity, I was reminded how our lives intersect with others in extraordinary ways! I also pondered on the aspect of receiving one gift that never materialized…or so I thought- the Gift of Love. 

I am not speaking of the basic love for one another, but rather the unquenchable encounter of meeting someone and seeing your names etched together on a tombstone. Much like J.R.R. Tolkien, whose insatiable passion for the woman he loved-Edith, saw him wait nearly three years to even lay a gaze upon her beautiful soul again. They are buried together and on their marker under their names are Lúthien and Beren. In Tolkien's Middle-earth legendarium, they were characters he created to honour the love they shared in this world and the sacred realm.  

I believe all writers pour something of themselves into their passion…for me; it is the main inspiration of Christian and Skylar, who live on in the fortitude of my heart. 

When I went to post my last entry, it occurred to me that Shayla wanted me to have the most compelling present, right before my operation. It is the gift that has seen me withstand countless trials and tribulations- the one given to me was “Unbreakable.” 

Time after time, I have withstood storms that most would have been washed away by the pounding surf. I have endured betrayal, scorn, and torment at the very hands of some of those I have loved. I stood before a Police Officer and was handed the blows of death in losing my only child. I have trusted when I should have run and I have given until the life within me drained slowly away…

Yet this not only makes me human, like the rest of us…but also UNBREAKABLE!  With no crystal ball peering into the future, I can be assured of the following: Much like a participant in The Maze Runner, I am mapping out my Destiny, knowing full well that GOD holds my original blueprints.

The song I chose to share,"Unbreakable" is reminiscent of the future love of my life...the man who will guard my heart with his sincerity. He will be patient as I slowly open myself up to the notion of trusting someone again, after all that I have endured. 

Song: Unbreakable   Artist: Jamie Scott    

http://youtu.be/V4fIoWYZvY0

During this time of honouring the 12 days, I was blessed with the care of others; some remain unnamed as they helped me out of kindness and wanted nothing in return. 

I leave all of you with this brilliant quote, recently sent to me by my dear friend, Mindy Herman. 

"To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson 

 I Dedicate this to All of Us who have LIVED! 

Song: I LIVED!  Artist: One Republic    
http://youtu.be/CMStV5KWB_U

I wish everyone the Merriest of Christmas’s and Thank You from my heart to yours, for coming along for the journey!

Blessings, T.L. Alton

A (Un) Celebration

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. ~Albert Schweitzer

http://youtu.be/2tMKO_9SD1Y

 

The twists and circle of life, which have occupied my world in such an unusual manner, make noticing the unexpected much easier than realism. Shayla’s untimely, tragic death held no immunity. Since her passing, I have come to believe even more in heaven than prior to. They say there is two roads one travels down when faced with an abrupt death; either you cling tighter to the God you hold near or you look to blame his very existence.  I chose to respect things I hold in high regard: Faith, Destiny and the light within my daughter that I know exists. Walking along a trail riddled in pretense, every time the light was threatened to be sealed, it found its way out and broke free of the dark shadows. In fact, I have known more of odium than of worship and yet an unforeseen energy propels me forward, no matter what battles I have faced.

This year’s birthday that came to pass last week was no exception. I awoke, with the intention of hiding in my home, with plans that my ears would be entertained by the lyrics of misery and loss. What made their acquaintance known though were filaments of sunshine, peeking through the blinds. I was struck by the knowledge it was a winter’s day in the middle of January, and this was occurring. Stretching, I looked at the clock that I had hit the snooze button, repeatedly. It was late in the morning and all I wanted to do was tuck my pajamas back under my duvet. I fumbled with the coffee machine, allowing my nostrils to slowly inhale the aromas of Columbia. Suddenly, I heard the sound of our mail being delivered. Instinctively, I reached for my usual correspondence of junk letters, when I spotted an envelope from Thompson Rivers University- where Shayla had attended. My heart sank looking at the size of the envelope. It appeared to me that it was the University returning Shayla’s death certificate. They had requested a copy to deal with her student loans and now here I was the day of my birthday and THIS is what I was to receive? I angrily tossed it on the counter, insulted at its belligerent timing! I grabbed my coffee cup- a Disney mug that I had once bought my daughter and now being used in a regrettable way.

 Starting my computer, I was looking for a tune that fit my surly mood. Yet, I could not help but stare at the envelope with my name on it. My attention was led away, once again when my account for my music came up. I receive daily recommendations of music, based on my likes and favourite genres. For this particular day, the song was “Feel Again” by One Republic- a band Shayla was fond of and even had one particular melody that she had called her own.  Upon clicking on the video, I sat and watched in amazement the radiance of the lyrics, the kaleidoscope of light used and the golden sphere at the beginning which beckoned me to come along for a visual ride. By the end, I knew my recommendation was heavenly sent.  This placed me in a mood where the sun’s rays that had been cast earlier in my bedroom, were to be found in every corner of my home.  This is all it took to break the mold of despair and realize that had I not been brought into this world- years ago, then my own beam of light would not have graced this earth. 

I sprinted over to the envelope and ripped it open. I was capitulated into joy at an instant when I saw a beautiful photograph card. It was of the day when The Shayla Rae Dawn Driver Memorial Bursary, had been awarded to a dear friend of Shayla’s.  It was a snapshot of all three of us: me, Annie and Dave. Our smiles filled up the space as the love of our sweet angel was evident. Pausing for a moment, I reflected on how I thought I would never receive a birthday card from my babygirl and yet in my hand was something that felt it was from her.

As I went about getting ready for the day, the image looking back at me in my mirror, did not make me cry…instead I was greeted by a mother intent on keeping a promise to her daughter; to always try and find something to make me smile. My reflection was one in which I had seen many times before, but now it was full of a vibrant cotton candy hue, once again. Since Shayla’s passing, I have –every month- dyed one large strip of my hair pink as a tribute to her vivacious personality. What made today even more brilliant was the fact that I was renewing my license. I encountered the usual questions about my hair and gave the same answer, every time…

“I did it for my daughter, Shayla Driver, who died in a car accident”. 

It is a badge of honour to be able to stand up and say her name. To show the world that she is not gone and forgotten; instead her magnificence is captured in the wings of a butterfly and her memory is forever contained on a granite stone. 

What made my birthday-the second one since Shayla died- incomparable to the last… is that out of the ordinary parts of life, I found something exceptional… to allow both of us to be remembered.

By T L. Alton