The Underside of Grief in Paradise

After arriving home from England, back in February, I would depart within a few days to Maui on a solo trip. This was not a vacation, rather a journey to embrace the unbearable…my daughter’s 22^nd birthday.

Growing up, Shayla always made special occasions as centerpieces uniting us to life. She simply did not join in a celebration; my daughter was the party in itself. Her laughter filled every corner of the room, her comedic faces and impromptu dancing turned the quietest space into a lively sphere of entertainment.

In October 2011, my partner and I had travelled to Hawaii and spent 3 weeks in paradise. I blogged daily about our epic adventures and Shayla followed along. One day, I sent her a message in a bottle, from Oahu. I was home back in Canada, long before it arrived to her in Kamloops. The glee that came from within her when she received it was well worth the anticipated wait. She proudly showed her friends and told her family about her special Hawaiian souvenir. When we spoke last November, and I asked her if there was any place she would like to go for her birthday, I was elated to hear her answer, “Hawaii, of course, would be awesome momma!”  Even though it was not financially possible for me to afford the trip at that time, I knew someday we would go together as mother and daughter. What I had not counted on was for her life to be taken only a month later and my world was changed forever.

After her passing, I was contacted from someone I had not seen or spoken to in almost ten years. They made me a kind-hearted offer, I could not refuse. They presented me with the means to travel anywhere I wanted for the first upcoming birthday in 22 years, without my babygirl. I did not hesitate and found myself only days before February 24, 2011, on a plane, by myself to Maui. I was nervous at travelling on my own and also worried how I would handle the impending birthday of my daughter.

The next two blogs will cover more in detail, the tender fragments of my voyage into the unknown…I would discover much about my own self and let faith be my teacher on this uncertain journey.

By Tonya Alton