The face is
the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the
heart. ~St.
Jerome
Secrets. We all
have encased within us a barrage of them. Concealed from the tender mercies of
our world, we bear unspeakable disgrace that stains our core with sin.
In the four years of writing on The Heart Pebble Movement, I have exposed more than the flesh and bones that comprises me.
The actuality is although I did enter this world as a ‘perfect’ polished, shiny stone; I became rugged, chipped and flawed along the way. Having grown up with closets full of secrets; my innocence was tarred in wickedness. I did not fear the monsters lurking outside in society, but as a terrified little four year old girl-I desperately tried to keep out the evil I knew as ‘family.’ While most individuals have roots similar to the Cleaver's, I could relate more to ‘Flowers in the Attic.’ The bottled secrets of my damaged soul, were placed on a graveyard shelf, with ‘Do Not Open’ labels on them.
Yet, there existed light -piercing each covert jar- shards of the cross upon which Jesus died for me and my sins. I have been saved by my Saviour and the faith, which has seen me survive ‘unspeakable things.’ My heart has been opened to the dreams of a life, I could only imagine.
Where once misery was inflicted upon my innocence, now there is a strong relationship in Christ. With everything cloaked in Sin, the only man who could shatter the barriers of those who have hurt me, is the love of the Lord.
In the times I have expressed myself openly in my posts, I have received messages of support, caring and hope, from others reaching out to me. Some who have replied are dear friends, then there are comments I have kept by my former partner, while other remarks are by complete strangers. People in this world who have read entries on my blog… which were created with my fingertips, dipped into a kaleidoscope of words.
I have shared my grief- ricocheted off of the brokenness of my journey- as a bereaved mother; reeling from the sudden death of my only child. I exposed the raw and ugly truth of what it is like to have a child die.
Throughout all of it, I have contemplated the individuals that my words have been read by; those I will never know the impact of what I write. I reflect on other parents who may have read my posts and wept together or the woman whose feels trapped and caged in a toxic relationship. I have thought of those who have found comfort, when I have shared my own loss of someone I once loved, with every fiber of my being. I hope these women realize they are not alone in never having anyone stand up for them; yet find the grace in extending forgiveness, to those who hurt them...along the way.
My thoughts have wandered to those young girls, who can relate to the despair of trying to cope with emotional issues- having found strength in turning on the light of faith; instead of hurting themselves in the clutches of darkness.
I shudder for the women who sleep deeply, unknown to their spouses accessing the computer, to download pornography- with each click of the depraved images, impaling the hearts of those they are suppose to value , respect and love.
I fold my hands in prayer for the little girls and boys, who lay petrified in their beds when hearing the opening of their doors and the depravity on the other side, known as ‘family’ …feeding their sickly desires.
All of these things I have wrote about as they are ‘secret chapters’ in my life, which I have revealed… because keeping them hidden, only breathes life into the sins that I was once bound to. This does not make me now a ‘perfect person free of sin’- instead it discloses that I am not flawless. However, the stains covering me have been lifted slowly, as I continue to be a ‘work in progress.’
I can relate to what is happening in some of the recent news headlines, because of similar things I have been subjected to, throughout my life.
This past Sunday, I heard our Pastor Steve Sundby, speak.
In spring, I began going every week to Saanich Baptist Church and have found a place where I am welcome- flaws and all.
Pastor Sundby’s sermon was on “Thy Kingdom Come” and it was Part 1. This man delivers words that run through the heart of those who are are there. With his commanding presence and thundering voice, I see the eyes of those in attendance, focussed on the word of God.
He spoke of the Ashley Madison hacker scandal, which has seen unfaithful people like renowned Josh Duggar’s foundation fall apart- as if built on a cotton candy pedestal -subjected to the tears of those he hurt- it is now dissolved! Josh Duggar has also admitted to sexually abusing young girls; including some of his own sisters. This is a man whose tongue is swaddled in Sin! The Pastor’s sermon also drew on the insensitivity to the plight of the world’s current afflictions. His words struck a fire amongst those in attendance and have us waiting, in anticipation for Part 2, at our next service.
At the beginning of my grief journey- nearing four years ago, I was lost, fearful, traumatized and full of anger. Time has healed the scars that most would not believe…yet now after making some of the hardest decisions, I have emerged proudly ‘wearing the scars upon my sleeves.’
In Part 2 of my blog, much more will be revealed, as to the transformation I have undergone this summer and the ‘letting go’ of things- I once held with reverence.
Those broken wings I once carried with me… have finally healed and left the ground… still holding onto my Dreams...I dance in the downpour of Life!
TL Alton
