Sunday, December 27, 2015

A Restoration of Christmas



“Let your Light Shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in Heaven.” ~ Matthew 5:16



In December 2011- on our counter in full display- sat a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. It was feeble, uneven and sparse with only one red ball clinging to it- and I adored it! When you pressed a button it played the signature Peanuts theme song, "Linus and Lucy." Shayla passed away never seeing it and afterwards, I packed it away. Sometime later, I ended up giving the tree to her friend, Mindy. 



This year, when my seasonal job concluded, I was gifted with a substantial amount of Canadian Tire money. I hung onto it for quite awhile, until one day I was in the Christmas décor section of Canadian Tire and I saw something that melted my heart.




It was Snoopy covered in a string of blinking lights. When you pressed his paw, he shimmies and shakes, bopping away to the same song that the tree played. This was a gift for me that now sits in my room of where I am staying. 

The cycle of grief has played through its course and things that once caused me despair now trickle in with splendours of joy. When I shifted away from the sorrow, my eyes were opened to things, places and people who made this year’s Christmas magical. 




When I was working another job over the Christmas season, I met a lovely Hawaiian woman named Luana. We spoke of the Islands and I shared my special Maui connection with my Anela- Shayla. Luana means ‘enjoyment’ and I was fortunate to have met her as she has a caring heart. One day at work, I turned to find her with a decorated box that had a beautiful red sparkling bow. Inside were offerings of gifts that held revered memories for me. A yellow Plumeria flower now sits attached to my fir branches in my room, alongside it is the turtle carving necklace Luana gave to me. When I released Shayla’s ashes into the ocean, I scattered Plumeria flowers and also wore a headdress of them. In Hawaii, I was touched by the underwater blessing of swimming at a safe distance, alongside a turtle. This event was unplanned, yet I felt a spiritual connection, to one of nature’s graceful creatures. The kindness of Luana also saw her gift me a Kukui nut bracelet. The symbolism behind the nut is in Ancient times, they use to bring light into the world through their oil. 



The depiction of each gift was deeply rooted in the continual love for my daughter and our bond on the Islands of Hawaii. I also received a bright red and gold card from Luana that read:
Mele Kalikimaka
Me Ka
Hau'oli Makahiki Hou

- This means “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.” 



  

Another customer who I served was wearing a shimmering top with a heart on it. As we spoke, I realized she was covered in hearts- from her earrings to the card she bought. When I commented on the wonderful card she said she was buying it for herself. I was intrigued by her and asked for her name.

“My name is Autumn.”

Upon her receipt I wrote “The Heart Pebble Movement” as I felt she was seeking things. In return she gave me the name of a doctor who sounded familiar. Once back where I am staying, I checked out Dr. Gabor Maté. It was when I saw the cover of one of his books that I was smacked with the connection to Shayla. Since she was pursuing Social Work as a career, she owned many University books. In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addictionis one of the books written by Dr. Gabor Maté.



I have also been searching myself- all the while understanding nothing is ever really as it seems- this was another indication that there are no happenstances in life.

All of these- connected the dot moments- led me to a Christmas, fueled with light.
Adding to the peace of the season was an interactive Victorian Advent Calendar, by Jacquie Lawson. It was another blessed gift for my wonderful friend Terry. Every day, I opened it and clicked on activities or read up on Victorian traditions, which influence our Christmas’s. I never knew what I was receiving. Upon clicking on Day 21- a hot air balloon appeared- my heart skipped a beat…another recollection of what never unfolded…I continue to march on.


I awoke Christmas day to find more presents under the tree I had in the loft. Sometime ago, I mentioned to Lilian how last year, I had decided to celebrate the season again. I spoke of my beautifully decorated tree and even how I hung up a stocking. Of course, on Christmas morning it still lay flat and unfilled. She remembered this and had a red velvet stocking packed full of a variety of gifts. Next to it were several nicely decorated gift boxes. These were in addition to my presents from my dear friend Judith, who was my co-facilitator for GriefShare

My new 2015 Christmas Anela
 I was overwhelmed with such genuine caring that I began to weep. Christmas is something that still makes my heart glow. I was happy to discover a package of tissues amongst my parcels.
I was brought back to a memory so treasured by me after all these years, it still exemplifies the meaning of giving from a place of sincerity. Shayla had come home to celebrate the holidays with my then boyfriend Paul and I. She beamed as I grabbed hold of the present she was passing to me. When I opened it, the tears began to form. On a previous visit, my daughter had been wearing funky purple Pajamas. They had trees with swirly branches in a multitude of colours and a saying: “trees-cuter than paper or plastic.” When I opened the wrapping of the gift Shayla had presented me, it was her PJ’s and there stood my daughter with the biggest grin.
Over the years, I have worn them out. As the words have started to fade and the colours grown fainter, I still go back to that place in my memory; holding tight onto the love bound within it.


Now, as I sat in the loft opening my gifts for this Christmas, I was about to discover a wave of providence come my way. One of the presents from Lilian was a heart decoration that has a key, which can be inserted into the back of it to make it stand up. The words “You Are My Sunshine,” are on it- that I use to tell my babygirl and sing to her.  The sunflowers, which are one of my cherished flora, also represent me; my spiritual faith and worship. This summer, I held the exact heart in a local gift store and pondered over whether to buy it. In the end I placed it back on the shelf. Chances saw Lilian come along and out of a wide range of hearts to choose from, she selected this one; with purposeful meaning. 



The next gift had me sit in awe of the likelihood I would be given it. Wrapped inside tissue was a tin that contained a lavender candle. After Shayla passed, Paul bought a lavender candle. He has lit it every year since my daughter’s death. Lilian had purchased the exact same one.

Lavender candle on the silk satchel Lilian gifted me

I also received from Lilian, my first woman’s devotional Journal titled, “God’s Calling.” Knowing it will guide my direction, as I walk through life’s upheavals, brings me great comfort. 

Journal from Lilian
 

There were many other gifts from her heart and I kept walking into the kitchen with tears of happiness, thanking Lilian kindly for every single present!

When it came time to open Judith’s gifts, I gave thanks for these women of deep faith, who uplift me in many brilliant ways! From jewellery, a gorgeous Pashmina shawl, books and luxury body crèmes, I knew every item bought was attentively selected with compassion. 

Books from Judith
 In celebrating the season again, I felt like Cindy Lou! At the end of my packages was a decorated box. Unwrapping it, I opened the lid. Inside was a black pair of Cobb Hill shoes. These were not just any pair of dress shoes…these were meant for my new job. Such a personal item to buy for someone and given my wide feet issues and no arch, the chance of them fitting me were slim. As I held them in my hands, I was overcome with emotions. The pair of footwear was my very own Christmas shoes. Gathering them, I headed back downstairs to show Lilian. We both felt such grace in Judith’s kindness. I slipped them on- it was as if I had been with my dear friend, when she bought them! I was reminded of a verse from the Bible:

Psalm 40:2 He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.

"Have Faith"
 All of these touching moments set the tone for me to gather my donations given to me by Terry and other woman, including some from Saanich Baptist Church. Within the hour, I was on the streets of Victoria, ready to hand out warm clothing, treats and gifts that would bring some Christmas cheer.

My timing was a bit off as most homeless people were still eating their meal provided by various organizations, all over the city. Therefore, I had trouble with finding anyone in need- at the moment. I decided to eat myself and given I could only find McDonald’s; I ordered what turned out to be the ‘unhappiest meal’ I had eaten in a long time. The food was not what mattered, but the company I was keeping. When everyone else was avoiding the back alcove of McDonald’s, I went in and sat with three street people. When I saw the look of surprise on their faces, I knew it was exactly where I was meant to be. I began speaking to them. One of them frowned as he looked over at meal and asked hesitantly, “That’s not your Christmas meal?” I smiled and said, “Sure is.” He them commented how he had even eaten better on Christmas Day at the church, which made me laugh in agreement. One of the men who huddled in the corner, was clearly intoxicated and making growling noises, his face twisting and the smell of alcohol upon him. I began to choke up, as he reminded me of someone I know, who used to be the same way and for a moment- a flood of bad memories were upon me. Abruptly, the man next to me asked why I was out on the streets by myself. I shared about my desire to help others, while wanting to hear their stories. He told me he was a painter and carpenter. He had moved to Victoria, leaving everything behind for a new start. Sharing the difficulties with securing work, he fell on hard times and as the cooler weather crept in, he needed to shift his job focus to construction. It was interesting to note that while I was eating my cold, limp fries and flattened Chicken wrap, a security guard checked in several times. I caught him looking at me wondering why I was sitting there and my smile back showed him I was okay. Afterwards, I packed my donations up and two of the men wished me a Merry Christmas! The third stumbled over to me, with his contorted facial expressions, he put out his fist for me to ‘pound it’- which I did. 



Once back on the streets, I bumped into a man named Eugene. He was eager to chat and quickly let me know he did not need anything. He mentioned a woman’s name and if I knew her? I shook my head no and asked why? Eugene confided she had died of a drug overdose and just before Christmas, it tore at me. Another family was being impacted by the ravages of the addictions on the streets.

I carried on with my thoughts and wondered if I was going to hand anything out? My question was soon answered when a flood of people started to filter back, after their meals had been finished. Suddenly, I was chatting with a young man who had been on the streets since he was 14…now he was 26 years old and the concrete was forged with the brokenness he feels every day. I talked with a man name James and a woman called Michelle. After I gave them something- whether a box of Skittles or a pair of earrings, I asked them their names. I know some are running either from family, abusive relationships, addictions, or even from themselves, so they make up a name that suited them well. That was the case in meeting Queen, who was humbled by my offerings of anything warm and proudly declared her new street name.

As I walked up and down familiar streets, in the spirit of Christmas, there was absolutely no judgment… as it is not my role to cast authority amongst them and their way of life.

Passing St. Andrews Cathedral Church, something caught my eye. Bending closer to have a look, I was elated to see a vibrant pink flower- a Christmas rose defying all odds had bloomed.
It reminded me how out of the scattered dark ashes, God brings forth beauty. 



Coming around the corner was a man with a cane. He was not elderly and I noticed the great efforts it took for him to walk, at a steady pace. I went up to him, introduced myself and asked if he needed anything. It turned out, he did not want any winter items or other donations I had. All Douglas wanted was someone to listen. I stood with him- as the wind found our exposed skin- I let every drop of words from his mouth fall deeply into the crevices of my own hurts. Empathy is a gift to appreciate and I offered it to this man as a valued commodity in his life.
I listened intently as Douglas spoke of the Prairies, being a single man with a high spectrum of autism, he did not have a wife or children. He took me on a personal journey, where Douglas spent month’s unconscious at the local hospital, suffering from a debilitating Brain Aneurysm. One of his eyes was distorted and he had an operation to help partially correct it. Douglas shared his anticipation of another upcoming surgery, to further assist, with his eye problems. He spoke of the challenges of walking by the street people to his apartment. Due to his poor vision, Douglas would kick over other homeless people’s money collection cans and he was very concerned for his well- being. He showed me on his wrist a MedicAlert bracelet.  It states he had a Brain Aneurysm and has vision problems, which helps a great deal in bringing awareness. He spoke of how having good health is everything and if you don’t have it, life is full of challenges. I could not agree more.

It was at this point, my gaze made me look downward at his shoes. In doing so, I noticed once of his shoelaces were untied. I told Douglas and casually offered to tie his laces up. He seemed taken aback and then smiling, he replied “Sure, Thank You!” As I bent down on the concrete, I shivered, not wanting to imagine what it is like to sleep on the foundation every day. While Douglas was standing and patiently waiting, he wondered if I could double loop it and I made sure the laces were not coming undone when he walked. 

Wishing me a Merry Christmas, Douglas had one simple request. He asked, “If I see you on the street again, will you be sure to say Hi to me?” I beamed with joy and shaking his hand, I remarked, “Of course, I will…and I want you know I will keep you in my prayers for your next operation!” My parting words, made him smile the biggest grin and a last word of gratitude.
Going our separate ways, I marvelled in the stories of people that are passed by on a daily basis. 


After a few hours, I had given out almost two bagfuls of donations and was walking back to my car, when I spotted Susan. She was an Aboriginal elderly woman in a wheelchair, way under-dressed for the cold weather. I noticed her PJ bottoms right away as they were covered with images of Animal from The Muppets. I spoke with her and found out she has no teeth…they have all been pulled. Susan spoke of the embarrassment and how she just wants a new set, which fit properly. I opened my bag and she was drawn to a hand knit bright pink toque with a pom- pom on it. Happily, she set it upon her lap.
I stayed with her until the bus came.

Nearing the street across from my vehicle, I passed out the remainder of my donations, with one remaining bag left for January.

As I gave the last of my goodies away, a young girl offered me something in return. Opening her hand, she gifted me a small polished ‘pebble’ and it took my breath away at her simple gesture of kindness. 


Walking the streets with my donation bags, I never felt alone.  I imagined Shayla with me, her hand tightly clasped in mine and her beautiful smile, lighting up the night.
I decided to keep the tradition of seeing a movie of inspiration. I picked “Concussion” with Will Smith. While last year, I got lost and ended up at the local Odeon theatre, this year I decided to go to Silver City Tillicum Mall and watch the film. 

Driving past a bench, I saw a woman, all alone in the frigid night. I went to the local gas station and bought two coffees- one for her and one for me. Turning around, I headed back and approached her. She declined the coffee, but was gracious to say “God Bless and a Merry Christmas.” The time it took for me to do all of this lead me to the next person. 
Once at the theatre, it occurred how last year I had met Judy in a movie line, with our friendship blossoming into a deeply enriched union of two, long lost, sisters. 

Suddenly, when I looked up… I saw the most beautiful hair colours and style on a person only a few feet away. I knew I had to give her a compliment. As she turned around, I raved about her rainbow locks and she shared it was herself who had done the tedious job. In speaking with this young woman, I found out she works on the oil rigs in Alberta. Her partner Fawn was outside for a smoke and they were going to see the last Mocking jay movie together. 
 
Victoria
I asked her name and she replied, “Victoria.” I spoke to her about Shayla and how much bullying she endured for being unique and different. Victoria was honest about what she has to tolerate in the workplace. From men wanting to assault her, to threats of violence, not all of those she meets want to embrace her. 

Victoria is Transgender. She struck me as someone who may consider conventional orientation labels inadequate. When Fawn came into the conversation, I saw two people who were madly in love with one another. Again, there was no judgment on my part as when I first viewed Victoria, I saw her as a beautiful woman. It made me think of our society and how others choose to hide in the shadows, while leading a deception life. Whereas Victoria and Fawn are living a life they feel acceptance in. It is essential- that those who are called misfits of our world are not judged by ourselves- solely because we feel their lifestyles do not mesh with ours. Where does one draw the line of approval? To some, homeless people are lazy lowlifes, while others feel the colour of your skin determines rejection. The mentally ill are stigmatized daily, while the division of religious beliefs which do not align with ours- causes wars. 



This Christmas, I encountered a deep level of humbled grace. While billions of dollars were racked up at malls, stores and businesses, I met a person who simply wanted his eyesight back. I spoke with a woman who wants new dentures, so her food does not have to go into a blender, to be sipped thru a straw. I met a young lady who would like her mother to accept her- just the way she is. 

These are the real gems I was gifted and an understanding that even though my daughter could not be here for Christmas, she left me the best gift of all- The splendour of TRANSFORMATION.

Christmas Day 2015


Holiday Video: "Lily and The Snowman"  https://youtu.be/qehqv13PJwI

By TL Alton





3 comments:

  1. Life's paths take you to unknown places and people you meet have a direct impact.
    In the midst of writing this, my room began to shake as well as my floor. I looked over at all of my stuff and realized an earthquake rumbled throughout!! First time ever posting a comment that has occurred!!
    In this blog post, I spoke of Eugene sharing with me about a friend, a woman he knew that passed only two days away from this years Christmas. He said he had grown up knowing Debbie Porter. Tonight, I picked up a local newspaper to discover the compassionate heart of this young woman. She was a mother to a young boy, whose birthday is Christmas Day. I cannot imagine the heartache this little boy is immersed in right now! Debbie, who was only 49 years old, had plans on welcoming some of the street people into her home for a warm meal. Under her tree, were presents for them. In sharing this, I wanted Debbie to 'lend her voice' to my blog thru the beautiful soul she was to so many! I reached out to her stepfather Fred Lang, who I wanted him to know how I prayed for his family upon hearing the terrible news of their loss. Looking back on Christmas Day, Eugene didn't want any mitts or hats, I was handing out...he just wanted someone to know that Debbie was a special person and that the clutches of addiction had taken her far too soon. I also discovered through the newspaper article that she had Bipolar. There are many things about her story that touches my heart and I extend my sincere sympathies to those mourning the loss Of Debbie. When speaking with Fred, I could hear it in his voice- the pain and sorrow of losing a daughter. He has been on the news and directed his anguish at the drug dealers who took away his daughter! He is a man on a mission for changes... not wanting other parents to endure the immeasurable loss they are going through! So far, there have been 8 drug related deaths this week in Victoria. I now see the message in my writing had the theme of addictions written throughout.
    I want to thank Mr. Lang for taking the time to speak with me, as I simply wanted him to know how Debbie sent ripples into my world and those she has left behind.
    - TL Alton

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  2. Hello there tonya
    what a christmas of helping others collecting stories for us to read ,truly breathe taking . i saw the news about the lady and other which sadly passed this year, so sad i feel for the families. the world is such a blackened place . only good hearted people like yourself bringing alittle light you can to make other feel loved .God bless you tonya

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  3. I appreciate the kind words! I am a mere storyteller of those whose paths cross mine. My stories have connected me to a diverse variety of beautiful souls. Some remain with us, while others find their place amongst the stars. No matter the darkness of this world, I discover within the cracks, the pieces of light that are the foundation of my Faith. Thank you for posting your comment and saying God Bless! I wish the very same for you.

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