Sunday, November 3, 2013

Lift Me Up



"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in Rising …every time we fall."
Inspirational Quote by Confucius

Heart shaped pebble meaning healer of Heart-Mind- and Soul


My offering for the candle I lit in Shayla's memory at Holy Rosary Roman Catholic Cathedral, Vancouver, BC

  As a bereaved parent, I have been faced with some difficult situations where people believe I am okay, simply because I am living my life to the fullest. 

It is a complex cycle of misunderstanding that lends itself to the perception that if I put on my make-up, go out into the world, attend an event or merely engage in a routine of shopping, that somehow I am managing my grief. 

A passage I would like to share is from Martha Whitmore Hickman’s book: Healing After Loss-
“What is this myth about being strong? …Of course, if we could choose, we’d like to do our weeping in a place where we won’t cast a pall of gloom over some bright occasions.
 You have enough to contend with in your life right now without the extra burden of worrying about whether other people are going to be uncomfortable from your crying.
You are not a stranger, acting strangely. You are a human being, acting like a human being.” 

The truth is, I can be anywhere, at any given time and feel a wave of sorrow overcome me. I refer to it as ETS or Emotional Triggering Syndrome. It happens when someone reminds you of your loved one, or you catch a scent in the air. It can be as simple as a print on a dress, the colour of a girl’s nail polish or the fabric on a purse. I have had to flee in tears, certain stores, places or even events, in order to deal with the overload of emotions. 


There have been occasions I have left somewhere, got into my vehicle and sobbed heavily into my steering wheel. Five minutes prior to that I might have had a conversation with you and seemed perfectly fine. 


What I have learned internally is that grief is a whirlwind of unpredictability- it can seep slowly into your broken heart or course through your veins with such fury; you end up in a full blown grief outburst. The first time I ever saw a bereaved person be consumed with such anguish, it shook me to the core. Shortly after, I felt envy for that person being able to release such sorrow. 
Just like no two Autumn leaves are alike, no two grief journeys are the same

As someone who has suffered from depression in the past, I was filled with anxiety thinking how I wanted to avoid sinking into a well of darkness again. That said, I have not spent one single day in bed, grieving the loss of my daughter…for fear of not ever wanting to get up again. For me, it’s such a fine line between grieving and having to cope with two illnesses that contribute to the mourning process. I now realize after much research that since the day Shayla died, I have put a stopwatch on my grief journey. Nearing two years later, while others have been dealing with her painful loss, my heartache was held back.


My saving grace has been in the release of a variety of pebbles, gemstones and crystals all over the earth. The cause itself contributes to the spiritual expansion of nurturing me through this tragic upheaval and devastation that happened when my daughter died. By connecting to the elements of my environment, I immerse myself into the void where Shayla may be gone, but is not forgotten.  
 Thank You to Douglas Warren from The Woodshop on Granville Island, for sharing this book!


This past year, I have suffered a great deal of unforeseen anguish in the betrayal of some people I once trusted. It is unfathomable to think that anyone would want to further subject a grieving mother to more turmoil. Yet the time they devoted to causing me more misery is something they will someday have to answer for…especially since they are mother’s themselves.



As I near the two year mark of my babygirl’s passing, Shayla continues to enrich my own spirit through the many lessons she left behind in her journals. I have come to realize that she was the teacher and I her student. In seeking a more peaceful life, my daughter has taught me to make a plan. For it does not matter about the uncertain journey, what is important is to embrace the unknown. Another key lesson is to breathe life into my spirituality through expanding boundaries by decluttering thoughts. To go through each section in my mind and focus on what matters the most- first. The last thing I have gained knowledge of is to replenish the well that often goes dry far too often when we constantly give of ourselves and put our own needs last. 

All of the above may sound simple and well known information, but when you lose a child, everything you have learned seems to dissipate. Like sand in an hour glass, wedged inside, my life has been halted to the numerals on a clock flashing 1:00pm and a date on a calendar, December 12, 2011. It’s my own twisted version of Groundhog Day intertwined with Final Destination and I live it every moment of my existence.
Therefore, in order to process the past 24 months, I need to take a break from posting on my blog. Much like back at the end of February when I took a good deal of time to myself, it is imperative to freely devote my attention on me. This is something that is so effortless for others, yet I strive to achieve such harmony and balance. 

Since Shayla’s death, I have been trying to find the one key that will open the doors to my hidden grief. However, I feel that my daughter has gifted me signs to help me fully absorb that she no longer lives in this world, but her care-free spirit lingers on. I have been truly blessed with a connection that permits me to still have an amazing bond with her and honour the life that she shared her golden heart.

To each of you who have participated in The Heart Pebble Movement -I can say whole-heartily the miraculous difference you have made in my life as a mother who weeps for her only child- is profound. From every photograph sent, video shared and messages I have received, it reminds me of its sole purpose; to open your hearts and pay tribute to my beloved daughter. 
Thank You Kindly! To Melanie at The Crystal Ark

I will continue to receive any pebble releases, whether by snapshot or email and I promise their stories will be told. For now, after this last blog posting, I will place them into a file until I am ready once again to take up the cause. Rest assured, I have been speaking with others about gathering all the stories together and writing them into a book, after I have completed my first novel, Under the Sitka Tree. I encourage people to keep the movement carrying on and share the love of who Shayla Driver is.
As I welcome the new beginnings ahead and the many changes which have occurred, I know the next chapters of my life are about to unfold. In doing so, I have decided to leave the Love I have experienced behind me and grip onto the Faith pulling me towards a whole other set of adventures.
The Ripple effect carries on...


I leave my loyal readers with this last video link reflective of where I feel I am at in my life.

Kate Voegele - Lift Me Up Lyrics

By T.L. Alton

Saturday, November 2, 2013

A Palace for Shayla and the Fairies



The fairy poet takes a sheet
Of moonbeam, silver white;
His ink is dew from daisies sweet,
His pen a point of light.
~Joyce Kilmer


Shayla believed in fairies as much as she did in pots of gold at the end of the rainbow; she took baths with them, stomped in mud puddles with pixies and under a canopy of mushrooms, she saw their tiny homes. 


The past few weeks have seen me work on a special project as a way to honour her beautiful imagination and The Heart Pebble Movement. I found a lovely wooden chapel at the Michael’s Store and decided to create a lasting tribute to my daughter. 
 
I recall taking Shayla to Redwood Park for the first time and when she found out that amongst the spectacular trees, there resided a “Fairy Forest,” she was thrilled to go discover it’s magic. 


In decorating the Fairy Chapel, I put great detail and thought into how it would be created. I have mentioned in previous posts that Shayla actually means: “From the Fairy Palace.” On the outside, I put a sticker from La Nouba we saw at Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando, Florida. Then I added quotes about dancing and living life to the fullest. There was a key and star I added, in an addition to a hummingbird. Every single item has significant meaning to me; I am only providing a few details, as this project was very close to my heart. 


On the one side, I added a Fairy girl and also butterflies all around it. A simple cross and praying hands graces the front. Inside, I placed a beautiful picture of Shayla in a blue, scrolled frame. I glued a candle holder and added one single tea light- Shayla’s light illuminating the darkness. Mementos of Faith were sprinkled much like the fairy dust that later Shayla’s best friend, Chantel and I would intersperse in Redwood Park. Links to The Heart Pebble Movement were added and a small polished stone with the word “STRENGTH” was glued inside.





When Chantel arrived to go to the Fairy Forest, I shared with her the Chapel I had made in Shayla’s memory. She loved the entire project and was excited to place it in Redwood Park. Chantel had never been to this extraordinary forest and upon arriving we looked at other fairy doors and another small house that had been created by others. 

We searched for the right location to place the Fairy Chapel. When we came upon a large hollow trunk, I saw something sparkle. It was a red door placed inside the remains of the tree and had an “S” on it! Both of us knew that this was the place to set ours inside. 

I wanted the Chapel to sit on something and when I discovered a small granite stone- a mini version of the one at McKinley Reservoir; I was delighted to set it inside the trunk. On top we put the fairy creation and then built a roof out of moss, bark, leaves and sticks from the ground. 

We felt like warriors of the woods as we gazed upon the final setting of the Fairy Chapel. Chantel had the brilliant idea to shake over the dirt, our red and snow-like glitter, as if to follow the steps of the tiny pixies up to their new home. The butterfly sticks we had were set into the ground. We turned on the light inside and to the left side of the trunk; we put on a light where the tips of a butterfly pulsated a radiant glow. It was reflective of the colourful halo I know my sweet angel now wears. 


Next, we took bubble wands and let the iridescent spheres be carried by the light breeze, settling on the tree trunk and cascading upon the Fairy Chapel. Each of us took our fairy dust and sprinkled a small amount into the palms of one of our hands. Clasping them together, our feet sprung into the air as we chanted: “WE BELIEVE IN FAIRIES!”  





After, as we left under a veil of darkness, Chantel and I pondered over who would be the first to make the grand discovery of our offering to the woods. This fantastic remembrance of Shayla and her love for TINK -along with all fairies-is much like the trees keeping peace. With their branches extending into the real world and offering protection; this is our way to keep her memory alive. 




VIDEO: I HOPE YOU DANCE- LEE ANN WOMACK

By T.L. Alton