The Beauty of Insight

“Don't be ashamed to weep; 'tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us.” ― Brian Jacques, Taggerung

In deciding what to write on my blog comes in layers of emotions, stripped away and what is left, is revealed in time. As I cope with the daily loss of Shayla, my “grief-brain” has a way of taking over and settling in a deep murkiness that sometimes makes it hard to focus. Even though my inner-child is playfully embracing the peace, it is the vapour of sorrow that can wreak havoc in my thoughts.

Today, I realized I had not given thanks- openly to the world for another parent, who took the time to place a rock into a creek. I discovered Just Jody’s Blog by happening upon her site, while I was looking at unique rock formations. She had two striking photographs, which captured both my attention and my heart. Some people like to show off their snapshots of the fish they caught…I love to admire the simplicity and natural beauty of stone- in any form. 

After reading some posts, I decided to get in touch with Jody and ask her if she could place a pebble for my daughter. Her prompt reply, filled with kindness stretched across the miles and connected us both as mothers. Jody was quick to act upon my request. I was filled with delight when she sent me a photograph.  The snapshot captures the luminous image of her arm outstretched with a stone in the palm of it; overlooking the creek that runs through the farm of her family. In her own words, Jody relayed to me ….The creek bed is solid rock and you have to actually drive through the creek on the secondary road to get to the farm. Wonderful energy from this rock!

She shared with me the magnificence of this sacred location: Lowry’s, South Carolina. In researching the area, I came upon the charming story of The Chester County Free Library, which opened in 1903 and was a simple wooden building which contained one room. It was located seven and a half miles from Chester in Lowry’s, South Carolina. The building was assisted by the donation of Dr. Delano S. Fitzgerald which also saw the doctor give 1,381 books from his personal collection. Providing library services, it is believed The Chester County Free Library may have been the first official book mobile in America. As a writer and historian, I revelled in this compilation of heritage rooted in the past. The following image pays tribute to the efforts made by Dr. Fitzgerald. 

In a small town in the United States…I sing the praises of Jody; a mother who I share similar interests with in the forms of stones, crystals and a medicine bag. I was touched by her compassion in sending prayers for both Shayla and I. Today, in reading her post on Apache Tears, I looked over at a special area in my own home, where my own Apache Tear stone resides in a revered place. The historical meaning is intriguing and used for healing if you are feeling grief and emotional distress.

As I stare out at the unvarying drizzle of west coast rain, I welcome those who like Jody, have honoured my request and understood the importance of the movement. This caring woman, who conveyed her free-spirited nature, resounded in me that The Heart Pebble Movement with no boundaries… does not ever stop. 

I encourage others to connect on to Just Jody`s blog, for she has a great deal of inspiration, wisdom, quotes and fascinating photographs…all of which embody beauty.

http://imjustjody.blogspot.ca/

By T L. Alton

Where the Rainbow Ends

There upon the rainbow is the answer to our never-ending story...

- Limahl, "The NeverEnding Story Theme"

Video: Somewhere Over the Rainbow –  Israel (Iz) Kamakawiwo'Ole

http://youtu.be/fahr069-fzE

Last August, a group of friends, my boyfriend and me participated in a 5 Km Run for two reasons: the cause was for Breast cancer Awareness and Prevention, the other for my vibrant babygirl who breathed in the colors of the wind.

The event was called COLOR ME RAD and to put it into a visual perspective, imagine the powder from a millions crushed skittles, exploding into the air and the kaleidoscope of color showering your body. While skittles are not actually used, the effect of being ‘color bombed’ stands to be one of the most stimulating, outdoor experiences I have ever taken part in! 

The packs of color are non-toxic colored corn-starch. Subsidized by the USA government and processed in the states, the infusion of vibrant starch splashes upon your body as if you have been hit by waves of rainbows. The ladies from “Keep A Breast Foundation” ~ Maren Walker and Amanda Bristow Macpherson were just as vibrant as the color packs! COLOR ME RAD also supports charities as a portion of the proceeds go to benefit local organizations in the community. I was able to share why I was there and most important to me, the legacy Shayla has left behind in her own rainbow journey. 

While I would like to say our group, aptly named: “TEAM RAINBOW SHAYLA SKITTLE WARRIORS” ran the entire distance, we were more about having FUN! At points along the way, participants have packs of color thrown at them, or in our case and because we were more like snails than stallions-we had dustpans of beautiful oranges, greens, blues and purples tossed at us. Then we gave into the notion of freeing our inner child…we all rolled onto the ground scattered into what looked like techno colored palettes of swirled patterns. 

Although we were embracing our wild abandonment, we also carried with us in the car, a photograph of Shayla and another of her Auntie Marilyn (Mern), who only six months before my daughter passed away- Marilyn died of Cancer. Both Shayla and her Aunt were very close and when she was given the car that Marilyn had owned, Shayla was thrilled to be behind the wheel of it. After the car accident, I found a journal entry that my daughter had written to her Auntie, in heaven. From the date of the entry to Shayla’s tragic loss, it was dated only two months apart. None of us could have imagined that both of them would be reunited, once again, so soon.

During COLOR ME RAD, my sweet angel was on my mind. I thought of how proud she would be for me- for all of us as a group, to do this in Marilyn and Shayla’s honour.  Every time another rupture of brilliance sprinkled down on me, I envisioned my babygirl looking down at her mother and coloured teardrops of joy to fall upon me from above. 

As we neared the end and turn around point, something caught my eye. There on the ground, struggling under a veil of cornstarch was a butterfly. It seemed disorientated and another friend was motioned over. She gently coaxed it onto her hand, and then it began to slowly crawl up her arm. We brought it over to a tree and I placed a tiny bit of water into the cap of my water bottle. We were amazed when it began to lightly sip up some of the water. Soon, it climbed onto the branch of the tree. We started to walk away and then noticed the butterfly was following us. 

For me, I knew it was a symbol of Shayla that will always resonate within my broken heart…that no matter wherever I go, my precious child is with me. 

 By T L. Alton

Treasured Things

Memory is a child walking along a seashore. You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things. 

— Pierce Harris

When pebbles are released it offers even the smallest act of compassion for a life taken far too soon. I never underestimate the impact of this movement is having on our world. For every pebble offered to a source of water is exceptional in its own way. I have often wondered if one of them will be discovered for the treasure it is; by a young child, searching the grains of sands, their feet are upon. Maybe a pebble will be found near a pond or at the base of a waterfall. The possibilities are endless and yet I often feel these precious stones have settled into their new home…without the chance of ever being found. Regardless of their voyages, I hold close the following images. The only stone in this assortment that was not set into water was the cherished one that my daughter painted, long ago, when she was a little girl. I have my very own collection of Shayla’s pebbles that are mine to take out, allowing the warmth of my hands to envelope each one. I sometimes smile, but most often tears fall upon them. It tugs at my fragile heart …not just because Shayla’s dreamed have ended… it is because she dreamed at all that makes The Heart Pebble Movement a part of her legacy.

By T L. Alton 

An Intention to Embrace Wellness

The Cord

We are connected, my child and I,

By an invisible cord, not seen by the eye

It's not like the cord that connects us 'til birth

This cord can't be seen, by any on earth

This cord does its work, right from the start

It binds us together, attached to my heart

I know that it's there, though no one can see

The invisible cord from my child to me

The strength of this cord, man couldn’t create

It withstands the test, can hold any weight

And though you are gone, though you're not here with me,

The cord is still there but no one can see

It pulls at my heart, I am bruised…. I am sore,

But this cord is my lifeline, as never before

I am thankful that God, connects us this way

A mother and child, Death can't take away!

~ Author Unknown

Before I experienced the death of my daughter, I was not fully aware of what HOSPICE meant. I even had a misunderstanding of all what they did for people. My belief was partly correct... when someone who is elderly and passing away they might go away to a hospice in the last part of their life. I recalled when Shayla’s Aunt was dying from Cancer; she had a brief interaction with the hospice society in the Okanagan.

After Shayla passed away, I was given grief books, sent links to places that offered help; but try as I may to seek a grain of understanding of her sudden, tragic passing…nothing resonated within me. Then someone I had went to Elementary School with and reconnected later in life, shared with me about The Langley Hospice Society. She did not push, rather coaxed me along the winding road of my mourning and steered me gently into the resource within my own community. 

When I discovered the wide range of services they offered, I was amazed.  I could try and put into my own words what is accessible, but I prefer to quote from their website: http://www.langleyhospice.com  in order to give a clear idea.

  

The Langley Hospice Society is...

·  a registered not-for-profit charitable organization established in 1983

·  committed to providing emotional and practical support for people who are living with a life-limiting illness, their family and friends throughout the last stage of illness, at the time of death and bereavement.

·  funded through general donations, fundraising events, memorial and in honour gifts, planned giving, grants, Second Story Treasures Thrift Store, BC Gaming, United Way and a service contract with Fraser Health.

After discovering for myself the services I could benefit the most from, I began to see a Grief Counsellor on a regular basis. The attractive setting of flower gardens, lush foliage and streaming water is the outdoor environment for the remarkable built home that is now The Langley Hospice Society.

What I found beyond the doors was a beautiful camaraderie; a fellowship where I felt ‘accepted’ in this new role as a bereaved mother. This required patience on my part. Likewise, a great deal of me trusting others, before I fully acknowledged that I was now someone who had lost their only child.

Gradually, over time I was provided the valuable information on a Grief Recovery Group that was to begin last summer. My instinct at first was to back away from anything associated with a group setting. It was one thing amongst close friends and Shayla’s family to openly share about her passing… but I never thought I was going to feel comfortable enough to sit amongst others and divulge my personal journey! Yet as time progressed, I felt more uncomfortable with not being able to share the pain. I know my partner was deluged with my sorrow; he had to walk everyday into a home that was more of a museum to my daughter, than a refuge. Something had to change…I needed to be able to meet others who could sympathize with loss. 

As The Langley Hospice Society prides itself on offering privacy and respect, I am not going to reveal any specific details or the people that I met. Still, I feel to give proper accolades to this compassionate organization, it is important to honour the growth that happened to me, personally. In group, I was able to share unspeakable things-the nature of Shayla’s death- that was critical to me to be able to talk about. I even struggled with the unimaginable request to see the Autopsy report. Those reading this that have never lost a child in a car accident, could not fathom why I would want such information. What I can say is because of someone I met and who had extensive medical knowledge, they gently advised me against doing this as there are horrible images you can never erase. In sharing this very private experience, there maybe someone out there who can relate to what I speak of.

Furthermore, people struggling may want to connect with others, yet not know where to turn. I would encourage them to reach out to their local Hospice Society. One never knows who they may meet in the comforts of this non-profit organization…someone that can truly look you in the eye and say: “I really do understand.”  Maybe, if you are as fortunate as I am, you will make friends even after the group has ended. My life has been enriched by several people I met and some of them have taken part in The Heart Pebble Movement. A kind-hearted soul I was introduced to is a lady known as Shivani. She has seen me thru the upheaval, supported my quest for justice and assisted my exploration of loss. Her caring nature saw me at one point, throw caution to the wind and allow my sails to guide me away from my safe harbour.

Last year, I received a different kind of healing grace when a pebble that I had given to Shivani was placed in Heffley Lake, located 27 miles northeast of Kamloops, BC. What I was struck most by in the snapshot was not just the location of the pebble- already immersed in water-but the tender placement of two, single flowers. It gave the beautiful setting purpose; reaching out to me with wellness-without fear. It was not a photo to weep over; rather it celebrated a life well-lived! 

In my passage into loss, I have stood up for many things my daughter would be proud of. Shayla’s memory also helps to remind me instead of sinking into the melancholy; I have to remember to let in thru the cracks- the sunshine. For me, tomorrow’s uncertainty is a new opportunity to learn more. Otherwise it simply could be a day where I abandon the walls, remove the masks and allow the grief to continue making its way throughout me.

By T L. Alton 

*Further information on The Langley Hospice Society can be found at: http://www.langleyhospice.com