Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Try On Your Wings



It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts. -K.T. Jong

True Colours ~ Music Video/ lyrics by Cyndi Lauper

I write with much uncertainty, as due to recent life-impacting information, this will be my last blog posting for awhile. In my need to move forward, I had to go back and retrace the intricate journey of the pebbles set all over this world. The quest has seen many stones polished to brilliance, allowing the pebbles to find a place into my shattered heart -that had tried to run away from all of the pain. 

With every photograph shared with me, video sent and story relayed as to where a pebble, gemstone or rock was placed, it connected me to my sweet angel. I re-read my blog postings with mixed emotions. At times, pools of tears contain bereavement, others infused with joy and laughter. In so many ways, Shayla remains alive…her kind, old soul lives on in ripples of water, a wisp of clouds, the bud of a spring blossom and the fragile wings of a painted lady butterfly. 

My beloved daughter has brought me to places where my steps upon the ground, echoes her own path.
After reading her words of desire to travel the world, I made a promise to my babygirl that I create a movement to honour her wishes. With Paul setting the first pebble for Shayla, into a location that held special meaning, the rest literally flowed into a cause that has seen over 200 + being placed all over this earth. I became absorbed into the significance of every stone; their meaning always reflected a theme of healing, release of negativity, and added renewal. To my amazement, I would be connected to a tree, flower or the magical properties of the location. It is as if Shayla’s loving arms have become the elements I now am surrounded by.

In receiving the news that has prompted me to place on hold my blog posts, it has provided me with clarity and set my intentions in a new direction. Instead of withdrawing, I am diverting my focus to other things that strike a beginning of change. It is time for me to follow the sun that exits even on the cloudiest days. To embark on adventures that pushes me to sit underneath the canopy of a white oak and kick off my shoes. 


The past year since Shayla’s death, I have myself become metamorphic – transitioning into my permanent role as a bereaved mother. I have experienced additional loss in friendships, yet gained new, bonding ones in complete strangers. I have reconnected with former schoolmates and let go of those who can no longer be there for me. In wearing a button with my daughter’s picture, I have spoken to young people about her tragic loss and shared the reality that “It COULD happen to You!” resonates within the anguish I carry in my private well of mourning.

What I was not expecting to find was peace amongst such hopelessness; to be able to let the element of water- the same in which Shayla passed, give way to cleansing and rebirth. To give back to nature-pebbles, what a deadly road took from me- precious life.


Joshua 4: The Memorial - When all the people had crossed the Jordan, the Lord said to Joshua, “Now choose twelve men, one from each tribe.  Tell them, ‘Take twelve stones from the very place where the priests are standing in the middle of the Jordan. Carry them out and pile them up at the place where you will camp tonight.’” So Joshua called together the twelve men he had chosen—one from each of the tribes of Israel.  He told them, “Go into the middle of the Jordan, each of you must pick up one stone and carry it out on your shoulder—twelve stones in all. We will use these stones to build a memorial. In the future your children will ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’  Then you can tell them, ‘They remind us that the Jordan River stopped flowing when the Ark of the Lord’s Covenant went across.’ These stones will stand as a memorial among the people forever.”

When Shayla was a little girl, she was baptized for the first time with water from the River of Jordan.

It now is my chance to hop aboard the peace train that my daughter’s legacy rides along. I waited for over a year for this to happen and now my heart tells me it is time. I am ready to see what the new chapter of my life brings and reconnect with projects that have been eagerly awaiting my return. My plans include chasing dreams that I know are within my reach…this includes my writing. I have made arrangements this spring, to finish editing my first novel, “Under the Sitka Tree,” www.tlalton.com  in an extraordinary setting that came to me as a blessing. Additionally, I have returned to reading, as I picked up a new book on grief that was meant for me. 


February would have been Shayla’s 23rd Birthday. Last year, I was in Maui and the miraculous signs I was given still leave me reeling in their amazing images. This year’s planned events also had my angels hand in them. Something that connected us while she was still alive has now come to light…instilling in me to ‘swing life away.’ I will be joined by two people who loved my daughter very much. This two day celebration of her life is a mother’s love for her child. No matter what death has taken in the form of her existence- it will never be able to rip apart the incredible bond we will always share! 


The Heart Pebble Movement will carry on and I encourage people to continue with this cause to pay tribute to Shayla. My hiatus from my blog I see as short-term, yet I felt compelled to share with those that matter to me, why there will be no new posts.  I am including my email for people to send me stories and snapshots of them honouring my babygirl. Please feel free to contact me: power2b@shaw.ca

In seeking the transition I want, I have to work loose my need to “fix” others …now it is my time to ignite my own soul with self-care. In order to disconnect from the world of technology I need to allow the solitude to enter. I want to realize my full potential and seize the world like Shayla always did, with a reflection of joy in her beautiful smile that beamed “I AM ALIVE!”  

I know within my brokenness it is my choice to fall down in order for me to stand tall…that’s what my babygirl taught me!

My thanks comes in heaps of gratitude to those who have taken part in The Heart Pebble Movement...
It is because of each of you… Shayla’s dream of seeing the world thru her eyes became a reality…her halo now illuminates every pebble placed.
By T L. Alton 

Sweet Child O’ Mine ~Music Video Guns N’ Roses  

 

The whole value of solitude depends upon one’s self; it may be a sanctuary or a prison, a haven of repose or a place of punishment, a heaven or a hell, as we ourselves make it. -John Lubbock

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Rooted in a Beautiful Beginning



It was last autumn that I travelled once again to the Okanagan, to deal with the changes and safety measures on McKinley Landing Road. While there, I did not want the trip entirely focused on my daughter’s passing. I know how much Shayla valued her friendships and so I made prior arrangements to connect with people, I had not seen since the celebration of life, in December.

Every time I visit the area, I stay with my former husband Dave, at his home in McKinley. To put into words what it is like to have to travel back and forth past the reservoir our daughter passed away in, is to take the stitching of my wounded heart and unravel it again…repeatedly. Yet, Dave drives past it on a daily basis- back and forth to work, into the city and for household supplies. This is where we differ in how we cope in the loss of Shayla. I shuddered each time coming around that deadly stretch, yet I could stand at the actual crash site- by myself and stare out on the murky waters- endlessly. Dave’s choice not too stop anywhere along the road is personal for him. For me, I believe it is because a mother’s connection to her child in the womb, keeps a part of her child(ren) safely tucked away within…we search for the unknown, seeking a response. Where some would never want their feet to touch the embankment; I have kneeled in the dirt, grabbed a fistful of it in my trembling hands, closed my eyes and envisioned what may have happened that terrible day. In one word, I can explain what I am seeking: ANSWERS. Just over a year later, that has not changed, but my desire to replace the chaos of my emotions is now geared towards creating peace. Therefore, the continual release of pebbles helps to balance my yin and yang, in my world altered by one day… it allows the hurt to escape into elements of nature that bond mother and daughter together.

One of the days I was in Kelowna, I made plans to travel with Dave to Kaloya Park in Oyama, BC.

 I was meeting Adrianna, another one of Shayla’s friends who kept in contact, with me. They had known each other since High School-around Grade 7 or 8- and developed a connection with one another that I was told by my daughter, brought a lot of happiness. In October 2011, Shayla had travelled from Kamloops to Kelowna, to attend Adrianna’s birthday. At the time, Paul and I were in Hawaii and I recall how upset and worried I felt about how far away my babygirl was from me. Even though she was a young adult of 21 years, Shayla always ‘checked-in’ with me after a night out, to give me a peace of mind. Otherwise, I would stare at the numbers on my clock- no matter where- and fret until I heard from her.  When I received an email from my daughter, I began to laugh as her following words brought a smile, then warmth to a mother’s heart…



“… what a fun long weekend and major hangover. Would have definitely been better if i could have woke up to some nice hawaiian breeze and the sun on my back all day LOL. Well again i can not say it enough… I miss your voice and random conversations on the phone, cant wait to hear and see even more pictures and stories. I Love you so much. xoxxo to the moon and back :)”~ Love Shayla



After Shayla passed away, I was still on Facebook and spent hours reading her Wall, posts, and quotes she shared. I found a poem by Adrianna that brought on the tears. The raw hurt over Shayla’s departure, loss and anguish spilled out and I could sense the emotions being conveyed. I printed a copy of it out and many times, I have re-read it. I plan on keeping it as part of the scrapbooks I have started in Shayla’s memory. When I needed donated artwork for ShaeHarmony, Adrianna created a brilliant display of emotion with her ability to passionately share what she felt inside and gifted it to the cause.



Last September, we finally had the opportunity to meet- along with Dave- our daughter’s friend to release pebbles. The location held a special link; especially for us as her parents. When Shayla was little, she was the flower girl at our wedding that took place in Kaloya Park. Her white dress trimmed in delicate lace around the waist, upswept hair, complete with parasol is a poignant snapshot. It is also a photo that brings me heartache knowing that is the closest image I will ever have of my daughter wearing white. 

With regards to Dave, he and I have remained close; his support for me appears in many ways that few can understand. There were always three people I relied on…Dave, Shayla and of course, my own partner, Paul. When the darkness of my chronic illness, threatened my existence, I always at some point had them by my side. My daughter was at the core of the love and nurturing. She gave me 21 years of her life that continue to unfold in a multitude of extraordinary ways! 
 

While at Kaloya Park, I spoke with Adrianna, before our pebbles found a home. I know Shayla cherished their friendship and admired her friend in many ways. My sweet angel did not just know a person, she absorbed who they were and cradled their secrets within her own joy. Soon, it came time to place the Agate and Fluorite –two stones with distinctive meaning. Agate is believed to discern truth, accept circumstances, and is a powerful emotional healer.  The name Fluorite comes from the Latin word for flux, which refers to a substance that promotes flowing and combining of other materials. 

While a large quantity of pebbles have been immersed in a direct source of water, others have uniquely been set into things. Her father found the willow tree our daughter had spent many hot summers, swinging off the overhanging branches and dropping into the water. Their choice was a nice surprise…they each placed in different areas of the weeping willow Shayla loved, their pebbles in her memory. Dave put his inside a natural hole opening in the trunk. We listened with much delight as it bounced off the inside of the willow and into the water that nourished the tree. Next, Adrianna set hers into another hole, but the size did not quite match up with the pebble and it became forever lodged in this space. This seemed appropriate as the once protruding branch Shayla swung from had been cut off for safety reasons…now in its place was a pebble connected with the tree. 




Willows are fond of water, with their symbolism rooted in creativity and insight.  As a healing tree, its name literally means “convolution,” as a complexity of energies are linked with it. These types of trees kindle restoration of the whole being and are the essence of renewal.  


As someone who believes in nature; I look farther beyond the portrait of life. I am open to exploration of how things are connected to both my daughter and I. Sometimes, the signs are clear and no further research is needed. Other times the messages I get are much like a closed water lily… which needs nourishment and radiance to reveal its layers of beauty, contained within. I accept as true the subtle hints, the twists of fate that have worked loose any uncertainty. No one has to prove to me the existence of Heaven, for I know where my babygirl went on December 12, 2011 and the messages of importance left behind in her place. In my study of the willow tree, I discovered the key to being wide open to its potential is to always trust your own inner intuition. The pebbles we left behind are little treasures; a reminder of the ties that bind and the ones that connect us to our loved ones…even in death. 
 


By T L. Alton