Rooted in a Beautiful Beginning

It was last autumn that I travelled once again to the Okanagan, to deal with the changes and safety measures on McKinley Landing Road. While there, I did not want the trip entirely focused on my daughter’s passing. I know how much Shayla valued her friendships and so I made prior arrangements to connect with people, I had not seen since the celebration of life, in December.

Every time I visit the area, I stay with my former husband Dave, at his home in McKinley. To put into words what it is like to have to travel back and forth past the reservoir our daughter passed away in, is to take the stitching of my wounded heart and unravel it again…repeatedly. Yet, Dave drives past it on a daily basis- back and forth to work, into the city and for household supplies. This is where we differ in how we cope in the loss of Shayla. I shuddered each time coming around that deadly stretch, yet I could stand at the actual crash site- by myself and stare out on the murky waters- endlessly. Dave’s choice not too stop anywhere along the road is personal for him. For me, I believe it is because a mother’s connection to her child in the womb, keeps a part of her child(ren) safely tucked away within…we search for the unknown, seeking a response. Where some would never want their feet to touch the embankment; I have kneeled in the dirt, grabbed a fistful of it in my trembling hands, closed my eyes and envisioned what may have happened that terrible day. In one word, I can explain what I am seeking: ANSWERS. Just over a year later, that has not changed, but my desire to replace the chaos of my emotions is now geared towards creating peace. Therefore, the continual release of pebbles helps to balance my yin and yang, in my world altered by one day… it allows the hurt to escape into elements of nature that bond mother and daughter together.

One of the days I was in Kelowna, I made plans to travel with Dave to Kaloya Park in Oyama, BC.

 I was meeting Adrianna, another one of Shayla’s friends who kept in contact, with me. They had known each other since High School-around Grade 7 or 8- and developed a connection with one another that I was told by my daughter, brought a lot of happiness. In October 2011, Shayla had travelled from Kamloops to Kelowna, to attend Adrianna’s birthday. At the time, Paul and I were in Hawaii and I recall how upset and worried I felt about how far away my babygirl was from me. Even though she was a young adult of 21 years, Shayla always ‘checked-in’ with me after a night out, to give me a peace of mind. Otherwise, I would stare at the numbers on my clock- no matter where- and fret until I heard from her.  When I received an email from my daughter, I began to laugh as her following words brought a smile, then warmth to a mother’s heart…

“… what a fun long weekend and major hangover. Would have definitely been better if i could have woke up to some nice hawaiian breeze and the sun on my back all day LOL. Well again i can not say it enough… I miss your voice and random conversations on the phone, cant wait to hear and see even more pictures and stories. I Love you so much. xoxxo to the moon and back :)”~ Love Shayla

After Shayla passed away, I was still on Facebook and spent hours reading her Wall, posts, and quotes she shared. I found a poem by Adrianna that brought on the tears. The raw hurt over Shayla’s departure, loss and anguish spilled out and I could sense the emotions being conveyed. I printed a copy of it out and many times, I have re-read it. I plan on keeping it as part of the scrapbooks I have started in Shayla’s memory. When I needed donated artwork for ShaeHarmony, Adrianna created a brilliant display of emotion with her ability to passionately share what she felt inside and gifted it to the cause.

Last September, we finally had the opportunity to meet- along with Dave- our daughter’s friend to release pebbles. The location held a special link; especially for us as her parents. When Shayla was little, she was the flower girl at our wedding that took place in Kaloya Park. Her white dress trimmed in delicate lace around the waist, upswept hair, complete with parasol is a poignant snapshot. It is also a photo that brings me heartache knowing that is the closest image I will ever have of my daughter wearing white. 

With regards to Dave, he and I have remained close; his support for me appears in many ways that few can understand. There were always three people I relied on…Dave, Shayla and of course, my own partner, Paul. When the darkness of my chronic illness, threatened my existence, I always at some point had them by my side. My daughter was at the core of the love and nurturing. She gave me 21 years of her life that continue to unfold in a multitude of extraordinary ways! 

 

While at Kaloya Park, I spoke with Adrianna, before our pebbles found a home. I know Shayla cherished their friendship and admired her friend in many ways. My sweet angel did not just know a person, she absorbed who they were and cradled their secrets within her own joy. Soon, it came time to place the Agate and Fluorite –two stones with distinctive meaning. Agate is believed to discern truth, accept circumstances, and is a powerful emotional healer.  The name Fluorite comes from the Latin word for flux, which refers to a substance that promotes flowing and combining of other materials. 

While a large quantity of pebbles have been immersed in a direct source of water, others have uniquely been set into things. Her father found the willow tree our daughter had spent many hot summers, swinging off the overhanging branches and dropping into the water. Their choice was a nice surprise…they each placed in different areas of the weeping willow Shayla loved, their pebbles in her memory. Dave put his inside a natural hole opening in the trunk. We listened with much delight as it bounced off the inside of the willow and into the water that nourished the tree. Next, Adrianna set hers into another hole, but the size did not quite match up with the pebble and it became forever lodged in this space. This seemed appropriate as the once protruding branch Shayla swung from had been cut off for safety reasons…now in its place was a pebble connected with the tree. 

Willows are fond of water, with their symbolism rooted in creativity and insight.  As a healing tree, its name literally means “convolution,” as a complexity of energies are linked with it. These types of trees kindle restoration of the whole being and are the essence of renewal.  

As someone who believes in nature; I look farther beyond the portrait of life. I am open to exploration of how things are connected to both my daughter and I. Sometimes, the signs are clear and no further research is needed. Other times the messages I get are much like a closed water lily… which needs nourishment and radiance to reveal its layers of beauty, contained within. I accept as true the subtle hints, the twists of fate that have worked loose any uncertainty. No one has to prove to me the existence of Heaven, for I know where my babygirl went on December 12, 2011 and the messages of importance left behind in her place. In my study of the willow tree, I discovered the key to being wide open to its potential is to always trust your own inner intuition. The pebbles we left behind are little treasures; a reminder of the ties that bind and the ones that connect us to our loved ones…even in death. 

 

By T L. Alton