A Sparkling Pebble In The Crowd

Save me, I get lost so easy
C'mon and lift the fog, my birthday girl
The rains came, turned all the hills green,
Turn the dirt to flowers, birthday girl

~ Matt Nathanson  

 I began this blog several days ago. The other night as I was writing, the electrical panel ignited and forced us out of the place I reside in. Thankfully, everyone was okay and the house is now being assessed for electrical repairs. As I write this from a hotel room, there are many blessings which I am grateful for! 

On Sunday, I attended a concert at one of my favourite venues…The Commodore Ballroom in Vancouver, BC. Over the years, I have seen the brightest stars light up the night with their music, wit, charm and brilliant performances. This was no exception as both musicians- Joshua Radin and Matt Nathanson, brought the crowds to their feet for an evening of song, story and entertainment.  

Before I arrived at the venue, I was on the SkyTrain with my mp3 player. My mood was sullen as I thought of yet another concert without my daughter, Shayla. Her and I were bonded at the heart in many extraordinary ways…music was an extension of ourselves. Shayla being a dancer for many years- saw her rid of the angst she felt from those who bullied her- through performing. She was enrolled in professional lessons and took part in dancing in the course of her school years. 

Whenever the opportunity came to attend concerts in a variety of locations, we were there. From stadiums, to cafes, beaches to festivals, Shayla and I shared in rock, pop, classical, country and indie-folk. We could relate to the tapestry of words intertwined into a song and while this beautiful fusion of spirit and soul is something I treasure…it is also something that breaks me in an instant. There are songs since my daughter has passed that I cannot listen too. It’s like a gavel to my glass heart that implodes with the gripping reality that she is gone. 

By the time of my arrival at The Commodore, I was not sure if it was possible to manage the evening, alone. Before I entered, secretly my wish was that Shayla was with me. 

Joshua had already taken the stage and was in his 2^nd song, when I found a place amongst those on the main floor, in front of the stage. This was my second time seeing him perform live and I had brought something for him. Near the end of his set, he mentioned a special place he goes to where he lives in California. Joshua shared that there is a mountain where he resides and he climbs it in order to contemplate life.

After he was finished, I stood in line to meet him once again as I had in previous years. Standing next to me was a young girl named Becca Van’t Schip, who was eager to also see Joshua for the second time. She showed me a tattoo on her arm. Turns out, last year when she shared some of Joshua’s lyrics tattooed on her feet, she also had him autograph the inside of her arm and now had returned to show Joshua her latest addition. I took a few pictures with her camera and asked her to do the same for me. 

As I approached Joshua, I explained that I had met him a few years back. Pulling out a link to The Heart Pebble Movement, I explained it was in memory of my daughter Shayla, who had passed away. I placed in his hand a small white speckled pebble from her collection and asked if he could put it on his mountain, as a tribute to her. Joshua assured me he would keep his word and honour my daughter with the request. 

My attention was soon drawn to Matt Nathanson and his band, which were the main act. To describe Matthew is to  imagine a hurricane touching down over the ocean and then imploding into the heavens! His vibrant, cocky-sublime qualities evoke images of Josh Groban crossed with a touch of Roch Voisine. 

From the beginning of a set-list fused in joie de vivre, Matt and his band delivered on every song. I anticipated some of my favourites such as Run, Come On Get Higher and Faster, yet I also became enthralled with Answering Machine and Kinks Shirt. While I was wound up in the strings of his guitar by the words he conveyed, my emotions got the best of me in hearing Birthday Girl and Bulletproof Weeks . 

  

Shayla on her 18th Birthday about to Bungee Jump over a bridge-147ft.

Looking around at the crowd, my heart pounded when I spotted a girl. She had her hair pulled back in a pony tail and was whipping it back and forth as her body swayed to the soul of Matt and his band mates. Clapping her hands, she belted out every song and at one point during a ballad, brought out her lighter. I could not take my focus off of her…then, I realized why. This young, exuberant woman reminded me of my own daughter. It was as if for one night, I could see in this stranger the beautiful essence of who Shayla is and will always be to me- alive in my heart. 

After the evening came to a close and Matt’s sweat had been released all over the stage, I revelled in my time shared with a room full of concert goers. In one night of music, Matt had brought us years of his lyrics and also as a storyteller with a wicked sense of humour- I will never look at David Lee Roth the same! 

Upon leaving, I walked up to the young lady who had given me much happiness and expressed to her how fortunate I was to be in the same room as she was! Her name is Kristine and she was with another woman named Renée. Both of them were gracious enough to hear about Shayla and how Kristine’s high-spirited attitude completed a brilliant night. 

When I look back on the many gigs Shayla and I attended together, it has been melodies which have been healing for the soul. Through the gifted words of other performers, I have risen from what I sometimes feel is an insurmountable loss. Also leading me out of the shadows is my steadfast faith and hope for better days.

Even though sometimes I can feel lost in the world… I take comfort in knowing that I also can lose myself... in the music. 

By T.L. Alton

A Travel Bag of Memories

A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches. Whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams, and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true - Cinderella

If there is one person in the world who can relate to Shayla’s inspiring legacy and also the incredible loss of her life, then that is Chantel Carriere.  She knew my daughter for nearly her whole life and as I have posted blogs on previously, the bonds of friendship weaved them together. 

 On the weekend, we met up, with plans to go see The Vancouver Aquarium. Yet, as we began our exploring near the Laughing Statues at English Bay, it was understood we were open to whatever form of discovery that led the way. 

Since Chantel had never been to Stanley Park or walked along the seawall, I felt this was a wonderful chance to simply allow the day to unfold. 

I pointed out the energy balancing rocks, magically teetering as if an unseen hand was holding each one up.  My attention was drawn to a set of swings in the playground area. Both Chantel and I knew we had to sit upon them and kick our feet upwards to the sky. We tried singing a song that Shayla loved to belt out, but my out of tune voice and lack of knowing all the words, brought the moment to a close. Without saying it, I know we both felt the void of her colossal presence. 

One thing that we do openly share is that Shayla is still around us is some form, an invisible presence. We see her shape in wisps of clouds, or in a shiny pebble that has glints of sparkle. Her free- spirit is in a shell tossed about by the brisk ocean waters. Shayla’s Aboriginal roots are found in the feather of an eagle or in the curved knots of dancing trees.  The opportunity to disclose what we sense around us, allows her and I, the belief that Shayla will reside eternally in our fractured hearts- whose opening will never close back up, completely. 

We spoke of what we miss the most about the girl with the golden heart. How her laughter resonated within every inch of whatever room or building she entered. I miss how as mother and daughter we would tickle each others arms, ever so softly. For Chantel, she misses many things; especially sharing the epic hours of playing Disney's Monopoly, lying at the beach together and the endless conversations, shared over the years.  Our reminiscing made me think of a poignant quote.  

“Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.”

― Mitch Albom, For One More Day

It was along the path of our time spent together that I shared with others about The Heart Pebble Movement.  I spoke with Law Enforcement, Fire Fighters and the crew in amongst English Bay, about Shayla and it was a chance for my daughter’s best friend to see why this cause is near and dear to me. 

At Siwash Rock, it was decided the best place for a stone release from Shayla’s collection would be here. I said a few words and then passed it on to Chantel. She turned her back and with a toss, it landed perfectly in a pocket of sand on the surface of the rock’s lower part. I liked the notion of the meaning of Siwash Rock to reflect “unselfishness.” Such a word has been used to describe my daughter, who was devoted to a career of helping those in need. 

In the end, the Aquarium would have to wait for another day. Our time of seeing the sights brought us a release of what we know and the ability to hold close the stepping stones that were Shayla’s life…

By T.L. Alton

An Earthly View

“I sometimes feel as if I'm invisible, as if no one can see me at all. I never felt that way when I lived at the Lake House." – Kate, from the movie, The Lake House 

Last week, my friend Katherine and I, went to Van Dusen Botanical Gardens in Vancouver, BC. We went to discover the TOUCH WOOD Sculpture Exhibition, which has been on display from June 20 and ends on September 30, of this month. 

Years ago, I had been previously to Van Dusen, during the Festival of Lights, with my daughter Shayla. This August, I went by myself to EPIC: The Sustainable Living Festival. 

While Katherine had never been to the gardens, it was my wish to share with her the assortment of exceptional trees, the many sculptures infused within nature and my fond memories of one year bringing Shayla during the holiday season. 

With map in hand, we soon realized that neither of us were good at directions. Our decision to pass by a guided tour in favour of letting nature lead the way brought us too many distinguished settings- where the elements playfully danced off one another- in colour, size and placement.

Nine Sentinels by Brent Comber

As a person who is passionate about trees, I found my hands brush against the landmark art exhibits on display outside. My fingers carefully traced the grooves, as if to identify with each one. There is an incredible energy when you walk amongst nature; a quest of seclusion, meditation and emotion can be found amongst the sanctuary of the woods. 

Before leaving for the gardens that morning, I selected another two pieces from my daughter’s collection. It seemed appropriate to take the fragment of petrified rock as an offering of sorts, one that would be released back to the green space of the natural world. The other was a smooth, polished Amethyst pebble- the stone of Shayla’s birth month- February. Carefully, I tucked them into my bag with no knowledge where they would be set free. 

As Katherine and I strolled amongst a meadow of sunflowers, towering over us with their bright yellow faces, there was a sense of peace between us. We were both thinking of our loved ones- her husband, Glen and my daughter, Shayla who had passed away. Yet as the sound of bees drawing sweet nectar enveloped our wandering and the brilliance of autumn bathed us in its colours, we weren’t seeking answers…just temporary freedom from our strife. 

Katherine showcasing Throne of Nezahualcoyotl by Sebastian

As we approached an area known as Fern Dell, I was gravitated to an art exhibit titled: Visitors  by Michael Dennis. These wood sculptures reminded me of the Willow Tree® collection by Susan Lordi; figurines with no faces, yet relevant

in the actions of which they are sculpted into. It was here I decided to leave the small piece of petrified wood that belonged to Shayla. It felt as if the placement was rightfully so…to return back to the secular white creation before me, a ‘wooden stone.’The process of a tree having completely transitioned to stone reminded me of our short time in this world and how in the end, the earth reclaims us. 

Visitors  by Michael Dennis

I had noticed throughout the day, Katherine was filled with a range of emotions. It was later she revealed the day had significant meaning to the loss of Glen, her husband. We spoke of how even when the mind may not want to deal with the trauma, the bodies reaction is a tell –tale sign that our hearts will never forget.

Nearing the vegetable garden, we decided to sit down for a break. We had been fortunate to bask in the sunshine, near a pond bursting with an implosion of water lilies. I looked around, reflecting in a day overflowing with the happenings of life. 

My attention was brought to a silver mailbox which seemed out of place; as if the random object was a part of the gardens artwork. Moments later, we were walking along the dirt path, towards it. As I stood in front of the mailbox, I felt the urge to open it. Once I did, both Katherine and I were thrilled to find slips of papers inside. Addressed at random to people and strangers were letters sharing brokenness-remains of love lost and found- with a collection of singular poems. Both my friend and I read every message and there were two particular ones that resonated with us.   

As we sifted through the correspondence, it reminded me of The Lake House, a movie Shayla and myself enjoyed watching. Reaching into my bag, I took out a piece of paper I give regarding The Heart Pebble Movement. I wrote on it, asking people to release a pebble for Shayla and on the back penned the following message: 

Afterwards, we came upon a beautiful display of rocks and smooth pebbles, all in the form of a medicine wheel. We slowly walked the encompassing circle and once we were in the middle- to honour Shayla’s Aboriginal roots- I placed the piece of Amethyst on a stone. I made an observation of the section we were standing near, a part of the wheel that acknowledges the Buffalo spirit. On my daughter’s Honour Drum is a painted free-spirited Buffalo. To me, it is these messages of nature that reminds me my sweet angel is ever present. 

 

In summing up our day spent together, it occurred to me that while we had chosen to explore the unyielding beauty of the gardens, there remained an unseen energy. The possibility of our environment questioning every aspect of us, reminded me of the symbiotic relationship we share; two species in which at least one benefits.

Observing Your Society by 'Piqtoukun' David Ruben

By T.L. Alton