Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Upheaval- Strong change or disturbance, as in a society



“Grief comes in unexpected surges…Mysterious cues that set off a reminder of grief. It comes crashing like a wave, sweeping me into its crest, twisting me inside out…then recedes, leaving me broken. Our grief occupies our life out to the edges- a mood comes without warning and it is devastating. Yet…it also passes, so live in the grief, but also wait.” –Toby Talbot. 

Shayla's quilt I lay on with my stone of Labradorite heart pebble. Above me is Shayla's quote, which seemed perfectly suited to the challenges I faced.


Last week, a series of climatic events occurred which shook me to the core. I had been riding the highlights of my life, with the equilibrium of stability. Then, one by one, as if the stones my feet were centered on had given way, everything began to crumble. 

One of the people I was employed by passed away suddenly- without any warning to me. In the short time I knew them, they imparted a great deal of insight to my photography. Likewise, the simple grace found in the gardens I was creating for them, had this person convey, how healing Mother Nature can be. 

Due to their passing, I thought I would no longer be employed and was devastated over the loss of this person who was dearly loved by many. At first, I was overwhelmed with sadness that they would never see the sanctuary I had created- with the flowers and plants I had bought- at a local garden centre. After church service, it occurred to me this person now has one of the most exceptional views from Heaven and I took some comfort in that.

"Sign" I saw on a vehicle, after I had finished the gardens where I worked and my employer had passed away


On the first day of summer, I attended an outdoor Father’s Day event that had the air infused with the aromas of Mexican tacos’, Polish sausage and pierogies and smoked ham hocks. My skin was treated to homemade hand creams and lip balms, while my mouth tasted the delights of organic Cotton candy, sweet raspberry tea and homemade salted caramel ice cream.

 I spoke with many business people, including a young lady, Brette from designHouse Salon in Victoria. In the time we shared, I was able to tell her about The Heart Pebble Movement and in return, she extended compassionate for my loss. Several hugs later and I left feeling she had instilled in me more than beauty, but mercy to the journey I have been on. 

Due to my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, there are times when I feel overwhelmed by the masses of crowds, jostling along and I now pay closer attention to my emotions. Therefore, I broke free of the throngs of people and strolled downhill to the inner harbour. Something had been heavily laden on my mind and I was trying to process it. Knowing the sea brings calm to my restless spirit, I let my feet guide me towards the brackish mist clinging to Victoria’s air. 


“The hardest time to learn about the process of grief is while you are in the midst of it.”

Prior to the passing of my employer, I had received via email a letter from someone who works for The City of Kelowna. My intention is to put into words my feelings and not single out any individuals. The email was cold, flat and direct in the words. Due to ground work directly beside the reservoir (where my daughter had died), it was necessary to dig up and remove Shayla’s Memorial stone! The City of Kelowna gave me only five days notice this was to occur and in the letter it stated that if I wanted to come and remove the stone myself, I could!  In that moment, I felt the air sucked from me, as I burst into tears wondering how this could be happening?

Instantly, I recalled several years ago, in Langley, when I and my former boyfriend Paul handpicked the granite – Stone of Protection- in the rain. 



I began to sob more, thinking of my created design for the Memorial stone, and then procured Surrey Monument Company to engrave what I wanted on it. After it was finished, arrangements were made for a transport truck to bring it to Kelowna. Both Shayla’s father Dave and I oversaw the installation of the stone at McKinley Landing Reservoir, where our daughter’s vehicle had been submerged for 45 minutes and Shayla died. Over the years, many have come to pay respects and lay personal sentiments to honour a life taken far too soon. 



The letter did state that in two months, the stone would be re-installed at the same location. Several flurries of emails between me and those within The City of Kelowna and it changed to an indefinite period of time before re-installation and unknown, if the Memorial stone would be placed back in the same location, it came from. As someone who formerly was employed by Government, I know too well the bureaucracy that can arise when something unacceptable occurs. 

In the original first letter, there was no compassion or sympathy over having to pull out of the earth; a tribute that has meant a great deal to those who mourn the passing of Shayla. To even ask a bereaved mother who has wrapped their brokenness over the stone and wept a river of tears, to come and remove her own daughter’s memorial is akin to the Cemetery calling to ask me to come pick up Shayla’s marker. Not only was there a lack of sensitivity to the matter, but a complete disconnect in what the stone symbolizes! 

I do understand that due to the major construction occurring that it was in the best interest of safety to have it removed rather than destroyed. Yet again, I feel that those involved would have known long ago this was happening! Some heartless individual thought it would be better to email me- with only five days notice- instead of calling me personally months before, so I could process this wound of grief, ripped back wide open!
Grief is not an enemy or a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being human. Grief is the cost of loving someone. ~ GriefShare

This is where my bereavement journey took a path unknown…

Back to last Sunday, as I sauntered along the cobble alley way towards the sea, I heard the familiar drumming of the Aboriginal people. Drawing me in, I found myself amongst the Métis- which Shayla was part of. In addition to summer beginning; it was also Aboriginal Day

"Diversity"
I sat and watched in awe, the dancing formation, of those dressed in cultural garments. The beating of the drums aligned with my heart and I knew Shayla had brought me here for a reason. 



Later, I spoke with an elder who listened to my heartache over the upheaval of the Memorial tribute. The elder recommended a prayer being said over the stone before the removal and also a blessing once it is placed back. I thanked the elder and was walking past a booth, when I felt pulled in the direction of two young girls at table for First Peoples’ Cultural Council. I soon found myself sharing about Shayla and the removal of her stone. I noticed one of the girls facial expression changed when I mentioned my daughter’s first name.  Afterwards, with emotions running through me, I paused to see red bandana’s on the table. When the girl gave me one, it brought forth remembrance of how Shayla liked to wear a bandana on her wrist- in memory of a Métis friend who had died, when only a teenager. I took solace in knowing I would wear my new red bandana with pride. Before I left, I asked the young girl’s name’s…Sofia and…Shay! Now, I understood as to why when I first said my daughter’s name, why it surprised her, she said. I explained how that was also Shayla’s nickname and I was meant to come to their table. 



Walking back towards my vehicle, I was walking past The Empress, when I decided it would be great to have a photo of me wearing the red bandana.

Thank you to Jennifer for taking a photo of me wearing the red bandana amidst Lavender and white hydrangeas 
I walked up to a lady, sitting on a bench. Jennifer, who was from Ottawa, was in town for a conference. We instantly connected and after speaking in great depth about Shayla, she confided in me that she had brought a book to her conference and now knew it was meant for me! The book is called “The Still Voice” –White Eagle. It is a spiritual book of meditations and prayers, woven into the Great Spirit and God. 

Death is not the end, but a return home to a greater reality ~ White Eagle 

Since, I was on my way to evening service at the church I attend; my day was inspired by the light, which surrounded me. 

“Sometimes you have to pull coals out of the darkness, until it bleeds Light.” ~ Praise 106.5 

In the midst of all I was grieving, my dear friend Judy Dowd reached out to me to share the following:
I wanted to let you know The Compassionate Friends do a balloon release every year. We write notes to our children and then release the balloons. This year, I sent one up to heaven for you ...telling Shayla that her MOM loves and misses her. It was a very beautiful evening as we formed a circle and read poems, then wrote notes to our children on our balloons, after we gathered to have a potluck dinner. 

Judy also sent me a picture of a gorgeous shimmering polished heart stone she is planning to release for Shayla in the upcoming weekend. I call Judy my “Sister- by- Hearts,” as she is in a tight group of people I consider my dearest friends. 

When Monday came, I knew I had one day to find someone to go to the stone and say a prayer. It came to me that I was to call Simone Gauthier- who was Shayla’s Aboriginal mentor at Dr. Knox Middle School. There is also a connection to her brother, Richard Gauthier, who was Shayla's Aboriginal Advocate at Kelowna Senior Secondary. When my daughter graduated from High school, it was Richard who awarded Shayla the Aboriginal Honour Drum. After she passed away, it was Simone and Richard who laboured with love in creating an exceptional deerskin bag to carry Shayla’s ashes. Without hesitation, both of them made plans to come to the stone at the reservoir with an elder, Marie Gail Winacott. Due to the construction at McKinley carrying on later than anticipated, the elder had Richard do the prayer, as she needed to return home. Simone and Richard first stopped in at the Memorial bench located at Dewdney Beach Access #1 in McKinley. Simone shared with me: “Richard and I sat upon Shayla’s bench and just chatted about her beautiful smile and contagious laugh. Then we met Dave and did a prayer with sage and tobacco that we gave to the mother earth, burning the sage.” 


Simone and Richard at Shayla's stone
All of what Simone shared brought me peace…a sense of grace that even though I could not be there for the removal of the stone, the creator had ensured the sacred area where the stone was unearthed from, would be honoured in prayer connected to Shayla.

Given the circumstances, I had pulled this together in less than 24 hours…which instilled in me that indeed Faith can move mountains, when you focus on the positive. 

In Matthew 5:4 Jesus promises comfort and a blessing for those who go through the process of grief and mourning: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

Yesterday, when I opened my email to see the pictures of the granite stone removed, I wept some more. Gone also is the special Lavender planted by her niece Parker and nephew, Mason.

The removal of much more than 'just a stone'...




After Shayla’s Memorial marker came out of the ground and was removed for safe keeping at a private location ( until it is re-installed), I went to my favourite beach~ Witty’s Lagoon. As I drove a song came on the radio and tears began to fall when I listened to the lyrics:


And I'll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

That you are who you are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm...
~ Casting Crowns – “Praise You in This Storm” 

I parked my car and walked the trail I have done so on many occasions. I climbed down the rocks to the pounding surf with my offerings. 


First, a beautiful oval shaped stone was released for my employer. I said some words up to heaven and let it go into the sea.




Next, I took a heart-shaped piece of Labradorite. This stone goes to the core of a matter and brings up suppressed issues for resolution. 




It anchors the light and connects to the universe. I took a few photographs and released the Labradorite pebble to the strong winds, weaving through the bent and knotted, Arbutus trees. I then scaled the crags of the rock cliffs, perched myself on the blackened stone and let the open waters cleanse me. 

Once back home, I found a song by the talented Métis singer Nakita Kohan.  I learned from my tender heart that the most tragic thing I can ever suffer, has already occurred- the death of my daughter. 

 The Prayer Song - Nakita Kohan

I will continue to Stand Tall in the eye of adversity…knowing:
“They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas; they live in one another still.’ ~ William Penn

There is an added positive note to my circumstances. I have been asked to return to where I worked, as the business will re-open again soon. I welcome the opportunity to be back in a place, which felt like I was always meant to be part of. 

By T L Alton



























Tuesday, June 9, 2015

The Road Map of Metamorphosis



Moments in our lives, either become days we want to reminisce or else bury deep- in order to try and forget.  We mark dates on a calendar that become numerals suspended in time. When one day we find a year that has long passed, we discover where we were on a certain day. 

Shayla and I on a road trip through USA- first stop, Winthrop, WA


I have several of these paper time capsules that transport me back in an instance of… ‘Remember when…” 



Road trips are similar in that we move from point A to B, to help us create memories. In doing so, our escapades are reminders of time passed together. If one c considers the adventures taken, then the means of how we travel have to be acknowledged. If not, it is like forgetting to be thankful for the pain you have endured- in order to make you a more grateful person- for where you are now in your life. One thing is coupled with the other. For me, my vehicles are not simply means of transport; they have held the passengers who I have loved and taken us on explorations of uninhibited travel. 




Every type of transportation I have owned has been named. It is a bonding I feel with my vehicle; allowing the ‘personality’ of the car to shine thru. My last vehicle was named Horatio. To those who I have shared why the name stuck to my 1994 Nissan Pathfinder, it is good for a chuckle. This year, due to major repairs I could not afford I had to part with Horatio. What I was not prepared for is the unanticipated action of having to ‘let go.’


When my landlord sensed my reluctance about getting rid of my Nissan, I shared with him about what saying goodbye to my SUV meant. This was the vehicle that had been on many exciting camping trips with my former boyfriend; we had packed it full and spent many nights with Horatio by our side at the campfire. 

Camping with Horatio and snow
Yet it was the deepest connection to Shayla that saw tears flow, over the realization that she would not ever physically be sitting, in my new vehicle’s passenger seat. Horatio was the one who drove me through a snowstorm on the Connector to pick my daughter up several hours away, to bring her back to Van city area. We had grand plans to celebrate her last birthday together. On my way there, when I hit black ice and a semi was bearing down on me, I cranked the wheel to get out of the way. It was surreal to experience the SUV become airborne, turn 360 degrees and land softly in the opposite direction of traffic, in a mound of snow. An eye witness driving behind me was in shock over how I did not roll my vehicle, which SUV’s are notorious for doing. Afterwards, I managed to get back onto the road and pick Shayla and her friend up. On the way back, we encountered one of the more severe snowstorms I have driven thru. Yet, we arrived safely and enjoyed a weekend celebration of my daughter’s 21st birthday.  Horatio was the vehicle that put up with Shayla and I singing like a cluster of meerkats being steamrolled, the words to one of our favourite melodies, “You Are a Superstar!”  The inside of him was turned into our own rave DJ booth and as I looked over at her, her head bobbing up and down, burgundy hair whipping about, I wanted those moments imprinted on my heart forever. Giving up the Nissan meant her scent would never be in the new one.   

When Shayla died, I took the keys from her mangled wreckage-what was left of her car- and had them dangle from my rear-view mirror. Knowing her hands had touched them one last time, brought me some comfort. I also took a wooden cross I had given her and tied it inside Horatio. I have imagined a thousand times it was one of the last things she saw, before she passed. Yet, as I have learned over these few years, being attached to ghosts of your past can drag you down.

Soon after, I began the quest for another used vehicle. I was given a limited budget and those who assisted me, should know I have thanked them many times, in my prayers. Unfortunately, I was having no luck as I limped into my gracious mechanics, lemon of vehicles that would cost a fortunate in repairs. I decided to leave matters be for awhile and see what came about. 

My landlord knew of my desperate situation to get out of my Nissan- due to over a dozen fractures in the frame- it was deemed to be undriveable. I arrived home one day, after work to find a 1991 white Chevy Lumina, parked in the driveway. After a discussion with my landlord, he shared he had bought it from friends, then took the liberty of paying for nearly a $1,000 worth of repairs to get it in good running condition. I was worried as I did not have all of the money for the vehicle and my landlord said I could make payments to him…if I was interested in the car. I looked over at Horatio and knew it was time to part ways. 

Introducing...SHEBA
I spent the next few hours cleaning the Nissan out, carefully taking down every memento. I walked around the back and felt pure joy from what Horatio had brought me and the attention to his back bumper. Over the years, I stuck a variety of stickers to it. One was for mental health and awareness, another echoed the word “Boobies!,” which is the organization Keep-a- breast.org for breast Cancer awareness. While travelling to Hawaii, I picked up several unique stickers reflecting the beauty of the Islands. A medley of angels, fairies and butterflies graced the back. When I was driving, I would look up to discover snapshots being taken, people smiling and honking or even giving me the thumbs up sign. Much like the eclectic person operating the vehicle, Horatio emitted a vibe that let everyone know, he was there to bring happiness to their day. 


 I let my landlord handle getting rid of my Nissan and to my absolute delight, I found out that a welder had bought Horatio for a meager sum and was going to transport the SUV onto a newly built frame.  Possibly, in the near future, I will pull up behind my old set of wheels and if still decorated, give my thumbs up. 



I would be remiss if not mentioning how God’s hands were in me acquiring the Chevy, I now drive.  Through the connections at the church I attend, Saanich Baptist, I was able to have the car, repairs and some additional help covered. The additional messengers of kindness that the Lord used, was my dear friend Lillian and her friend Angie. Due to the two of them conversing, I now attend a church, which feels like a faith home. 


When I had the first opportunity after work to go and spend some time with my Chevy Lumina, I scrubbed her clean from top to bottom, inside and out. Plunking in loonies to vacuum and two dollar coins to spray foam, rinse, wax, and shine, I started to feel her personality coming thru. The vehicle- much like me- has a few prior dings and scratches. The interior is worn and a bit faded, which reminded me of how the shadows of my past still cling to me.  As the dirt was rinsed away into the car wash drain, I thought of my own sins and how I have been cleansed. It then occurred to me what to call her: “SHEBA.” It fit perfectly!  As I strung a cotton candy air freshener and declared her new name, I made plans to set off on breaking her into a new adventure- camping.




I am blessed to live on an Island of endless possibilities! Only 15 minutes from my doorstep, is the Goldstream Park, which has the Goldstream River alongside the Provincial campground site. Its namesake was due to the mineral Quartz, along its course. 

Upon arriving, I was impressed by me backing into my site- no problem. I was about to get out of the car when a black and white butterfly perched on the hood of Sheba. I smiled knowing Shayla’s fortitude is always with me.

  
As I set up camp, I took pride in my fire being started without one single piece of paper- only wood! I had learned a trick about how to get a fire started within seconds and it worked like a charm! I was struck at how I was focussed on creating my own experience in the woods, not one filled with doubt over what I am capable of doing. I looked around campsite 11 and was proud of my achievements, without anyone second guessing me. I sat down and decided to start making my renowned “Campfire Nachos.” I am not a conventional outdoors woman. I have made everything from home baked muffins, potato packets, casseroles and even a chocolate fondue at my campsites. 


It depended on who I was with that dictated the wild array of food. I already looked forward to my own version of S’mores I had created. 


After my menu was planned for the three days, I set about mapping out trails, waterfalls and hiking I wanted to do. I began to reminisce about the top three camping adventures I had been on. The first would be my trip to the Sitka trees in Carmanah Provincial Park, followed by a memorable camping experience at Alouette Lake near Golden Ears Provincial Park.   

Shayla about to have an "Oyster Shot" with Worcestershire sauce





The camping trip I took with Shayla into the USA to a place called Ocean Shores, Washington, holds fond memories.

I was determined to make the current camping trip by myself, one to treasure.

Waking up early, I grabbed my breakfast, packed lunch, water, maps and gear to go see the first attraction of natural beauty, Goldstream Falls. I had planned for 2 hours and my route was exact to how long it took me to do the entire loop.  The trails vary from easy to strenuous hikes. There are railroad track along creeks, through the high ground of the forest. There are abandoned gold diggings from the Gold Rush era. Those seeking adventure, can ascend to the top of one of the recent additions to the park in 1994-Mt Finlayson- the highest point in Greater Victoria. Another trail I was seeking would lead me to spectacular Niagara Falls, which flows 47.5 metres down a rock cliff into a sparkling canyon pool below.

Upon walking through an impressive staircase that draws you into Goldstream Falls, I came upon a serene place of birds, water cascading over mossy rocks and the plunging waterfalls. I sat there for over an hour and a half and breathed in creation.  Before I left, I released a pebble for Shayla. 


Once I had ascended the stairs, I sat upon a memorial bench. It was in memory of a lady who loved the area. I was reminded of those who this summer, will sit themselves upon Shayla’s bench and inhale the beauty they are surrounded in. 


Later that night, at the campsite, I heard a song playing- Ed Sheeran’s current song- “Photograph.” It brought me back to a little paper/card store I visited in London. It was in that quaint Shoppe I heard him for the first time singing on British radio his number #1 hit, “The A-Team.” I made a point of later looking up Ed Sheeran when no one yet in Canada had heard of the spunky red-haired, blue eyed talent.  Now, as I sat watching the flames of my campfire, I knew I would be creating a personal video for it. In the past, I have made videos- mostly related all to Shayla. Yet this one is different, as I infused symbolism connected mostly to me. Of course, my daughter’s presence is felt within the song, but I sensed a strong association to his lyrics...especially the part: "Wait for me to come home..."

Video Created by T.L. Alton 
 'Photograph' Song and Lyrics: Ed Sheeran 
 Click on link to play >>> https://youtu.be/spgK4kUsNZU

 The next day, I was back on the trails. This one would take me to Niagara Falls- a much smaller version of the legendary ones. The time I was told would take me three hours to get there and back. It took me four, because of what I chose to do and encountered. In my previous relationship, my boyfriend did the entire mapping, trekking, etc. He knew where to go, what trail was best and took control. Now, here I was about to partake in my own trail skills. I braced myself when I saw root trails, yet felt confident in my abilities to maneuver them.


I remembered him telling me how to place my feet; especially going sideways down unstable rock.  I admit, I used to barrel through the forest and hope for the best, but this time…there would be no one to catch me if I should fall. I was at the mercy of the woods and I know all too well of the stories of hikers gone missing. What is tricky about the paths I was hiking on is all of a sudden I would come to a post and an arrow would point left or right. Being directionally challenged did not help.  I followed the river for some of the way before deciding to trek upland. It was then I encountered sheer cliffs to climb and scree which is a collection of broken rock fragments at the base of crags or mountains. If you have ever had to navigate the unpredictable temperament, it can be a scary experience. Add to it I was all alone and no one to hold my hand, it did occur to me that is I lost my footing, the only thing ever found of me would be well-picked bones.  Once you commit to ascending the cliff, there is no looking back- literally! Only when I was upon the railroad tracks, did I turn to glance back at the craziness I had just accomplished. I patted my tattoo on my body- the one Shayla created years ago and said, “Well done!”  As I walked along under a scorching sun, I began to hum “Stand by me.” Soon after, I noticed a short trail to what looked like a viewpoint.   

Upon walking into the dry, grassy area, I looked across at my stunning view. Within a few minutes, I was astounded by something I have never experienced…I was enveloped by a swarm of dragonflies! It was incredible to hear the whizzing of their iridescent wings flitting about. I managed to capture a picture, yet not even a snapshot can fill in the burst of joy I felt, at that moment. 


After plotting a route to the Niagara Falls, I encountered sheer drops and clusters of roots along the trail, where one had to be mindful of foot placement. Once I made my way along the dry creek bed, I began to walk upwards to the falls. There were several people doing the same and a man walking his dog, struck up a conversation with me. You never know, who will meet amongst the woodlands and fairies…our conversation we shared, lasted for over an hour.  After a few brilliant photographs, we parted ways and I made my way back to camp. 

"Niagara Falls"

I sat at the picnic table to catch my breath and have a drink of water. I had opened the tent door to air it out when suddenly what I was looking at made me feel ill. It was my sleeping bag- the one that never kept me warm, had a broken zipper and was uncomfortable. I had never been fond of it and now as I stared at it, tears welled up. Intently looking at my sleeping bag, I was stricken with the last memory of saying ‘goodbye’ to my daughter at the hospital. Nothing more is needed to share, other than to say I walked over, ripped it off my air mattress and placed it in a garbage bag. 



I was having a difficult time with shaking off the images that had popped into my head- that is what grief does- its takes an already softened heart with scars and in an instant, can re-open the wounds. I decided to light a fire and relax. Minutes later, I felt something near me and turned around cautiously to be looking into the eyes of a deer! It was not spooked by me, even when I let out a big sigh. I went to reach for my camera and it allowed me to follow it (keeping my distance) past my car and near into the woods. I had to finally turn around and when I did, there was the baby at my campsite- looking lost for its momma.



I had been playing my mp3 player and the song that came on when I spotted the deer was a song Shayla and I always listened to when we were camping. I know- that one terrible moment- had been replaced with one wonderful encounter with the wildlife! 


Later, I relaxed in my chair and read some of my newest book, “Encyclopedia of Fairies,” given to me by my dear friend, Sarah.  Over the years, she has gifted me an array of literature that I cherish. 

Reminds me of a Fairy Home
Fairy Book from Sarah























As I packed up, I thought of the metamorphism that has occurred in my realm.  Much like the 600 year old Douglas fir trees within Goldstream Park, encased within its rings- are stories that have evolved over time- of its existence. Through the road trips I have taken, the vehicles that brought me there and the people who were passengers in my seats, I have discovered a new structure of freedom...





…one that sees me turn my stumbling blocks into stepping stones. 



By TL Alton