Upheaval- Strong change or disturbance, as in a society

“Grief comes in unexpected surges…Mysterious cues that set off a reminder of grief. It comes crashing like a wave, sweeping me into its crest, twisting me inside out…then recedes, leaving me broken. Our grief occupies our life out to the edges- a mood comes without warning and it is devastating. Yet…it also passes, so live in the grief, but also wait.” –Toby Talbot. 

Shayla's quilt I lay on with my stone of Labradorite heart pebble. Above me is Shayla's quote, which seemed perfectly suited to the challenges I faced.

Last week, a series of climatic events occurred which shook me to the core. I had been riding the highlights of my life, with the equilibrium of stability. Then, one by one, as if the stones my feet were centered on had given way, everything began to crumble. 

One of the people I was employed by passed away suddenly- without any warning to me. In the short time I knew them, they imparted a great deal of insight to my photography. Likewise, the simple grace found in the gardens I was creating for them, had this person convey, how healing Mother Nature can be. 

Due to their passing, I thought I would no longer be employed and was devastated over the loss of this person who was dearly loved by many. At first, I was overwhelmed with sadness that they would never see the sanctuary I had created- with the flowers and plants I had bought- at a local garden centre. After church service, it occurred to me this person now has one of the most exceptional views from Heaven and I took some comfort in that.

"Sign" I saw on a vehicle, after I had finished the gardens where I worked and my employer had passed away

On the first day of summer, I attended an outdoor Father’s Day event that had the air infused with the aromas of Mexican tacos’, Polish sausage and pierogies and smoked ham hocks. My skin was treated to homemade hand creams and lip balms, while my mouth tasted the delights of organic Cotton candy, sweet raspberry tea and homemade salted caramel ice cream.

 I spoke with many business people, including a young lady, Brette from designHouse Salon in Victoria. In the time we shared, I was able to tell her about The Heart Pebble Movement and in return, she extended compassionate for my loss. Several hugs later and I left feeling she had instilled in me more than beauty, but mercy to the journey I have been on. 

Due to my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, there are times when I feel overwhelmed by the masses of crowds, jostling along and I now pay closer attention to my emotions. Therefore, I broke free of the throngs of people and strolled downhill to the inner harbour. Something had been heavily laden on my mind and I was trying to process it. Knowing the sea brings calm to my restless spirit, I let my feet guide me towards the brackish mist clinging to Victoria’s air. 

“The hardest time to learn about the process of grief is while you are in the midst of it.”

Prior to the passing of my employer, I had received via email a letter from someone who works for The City of Kelowna. My intention is to put into words my feelings and not single out any individuals. The email was cold, flat and direct in the words. Due to ground work directly beside the reservoir (where my daughter had died), it was necessary to dig up and remove Shayla’s Memorial stone! The City of Kelowna gave me only five days notice this was to occur and in the letter it stated that if I wanted to come and remove the stone myself, I could!  In that moment, I felt the air sucked from me, as I burst into tears wondering how this could be happening?

Instantly, I recalled several years ago, in Langley, when I and my former boyfriend Paul handpicked the granite – Stone of Protection- in the rain. 

I began to sob more, thinking of my created design for the Memorial stone, and then procured Surrey Monument Company to engrave what I wanted on it. After it was finished, arrangements were made for a transport truck to bring it to Kelowna. Both Shayla’s father Dave and I oversaw the installation of the stone at McKinley Landing Reservoir, where our daughter’s vehicle had been submerged for 45 minutes and Shayla died. Over the years, many have come to pay respects and lay personal sentiments to honour a life taken far too soon. 

The letter did state that in two months, the stone would be re-installed at the same location. Several flurries of emails between me and those within The City of Kelowna and it changed to an indefinite period of time before re-installation and unknown, if the Memorial stone would be placed back in the same location, it came from. As someone who formerly was employed by Government, I know too well the bureaucracy that can arise when something unacceptable occurs. 

In the original first letter, there was no compassion or sympathy over having to pull out of the earth; a tribute that has meant a great deal to those who mourn the passing of Shayla. To even ask a bereaved mother who has wrapped their brokenness over the stone and wept a river of tears, to come and remove her own daughter’s memorial is akin to the Cemetery calling to ask me to come pick up Shayla’s marker. Not only was there a lack of sensitivity to the matter, but a complete disconnect in what the stone symbolizes! 

I do understand that due to the major construction occurring that it was in the best interest of safety to have it removed rather than destroyed. Yet again, I feel that those involved would have known long ago this was happening! Some heartless individual thought it would be better to email me- with only five days notice- instead of calling me personally months before, so I could process this wound of grief, ripped back wide open!

Grief is not an enemy or a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being human. Grief is the cost of loving someone. ~ GriefShare

This is where my bereavement journey took a path unknown…

Back to last Sunday, as I sauntered along the cobble alley way towards the sea, I heard the familiar drumming of the Aboriginal people. Drawing me in, I found myself amongst the Métis- which Shayla was part of. In addition to summer beginning; it was also Aboriginal Day. 

"Diversity"

I sat and watched in awe, the dancing formation, of those dressed in cultural garments. The beating of the drums aligned with my heart and I knew Shayla had brought me here for a reason. 

Later, I spoke with an elder who listened to my heartache over the upheaval of the Memorial tribute. The elder recommended a prayer being said over the stone before the removal and also a blessing once it is placed back. I thanked the elder and was walking past a booth, when I felt pulled in the direction of two young girls at table for First Peoples’ Cultural Council. I soon found myself sharing about Shayla and the removal of her stone. I noticed one of the girls facial expression changed when I mentioned my daughter’s first name.  Afterwards, with emotions running through me, I paused to see red bandana’s on the table. When the girl gave me one, it brought forth remembrance of how Shayla liked to wear a bandana on her wrist- in memory of a Métis friend who had died, when only a teenager. I took solace in knowing I would wear my new red bandana with pride. Before I left, I asked the young girl’s name’s…Sofia and…Shay! Now, I understood as to why when I first said my daughter’s name, why it surprised her, she said. I explained how that was also Shayla’s nickname and I was meant to come to their table. 

Walking back towards my vehicle, I was walking past The Empress, when I decided it would be great to have a photo of me wearing the red bandana.

Thank you to Jennifer for taking a photo of me wearing the red bandana amidst Lavender and white hydrangeas 

I walked up to a lady, sitting on a bench. Jennifer, who was from Ottawa, was in town for a conference. We instantly connected and after speaking in great depth about Shayla, she confided in me that she had brought a book to her conference and now knew it was meant for me! The book is called “The Still Voice” –White Eagle. It is a spiritual book of meditations and prayers, woven into the Great Spirit and God. 

Death is not the end, but a return home to a greater reality ~ White Eagle 

Since, I was on my way to evening service at the church I attend; my day was inspired by the light, which surrounded me. 

“Sometimes you have to pull coals out of the darkness, until it bleeds Light.” ~ Praise 106.5 

In the midst of all I was grieving, my dear friend Judy Dowd reached out to me to share the following:

I wanted to let you know The Compassionate Friends do a balloon release every year. We write notes to our children and then release the balloons. This year, I sent one up to heaven for you ...telling Shayla that her MOM loves and misses her. It was a very beautiful evening as we formed a circle and read poems, then wrote notes to our children on our balloons, after we gathered to have a potluck dinner. 

Judy also sent me a picture of a gorgeous shimmering polished heart stone she is planning to release for Shayla in the upcoming weekend. I call Judy my “Sister- by- Hearts,” as she is in a tight group of people I consider my dearest friends. 

When Monday came, I knew I had one day to find someone to go to the stone and say a prayer. It came to me that I was to call Simone Gauthier- who was Shayla’s Aboriginal mentor at Dr. Knox Middle School. There is also a connection to her brother, Richard Gauthier, who was Shayla's Aboriginal Advocate at Kelowna Senior Secondary. When my daughter graduated from High school, it was Richard who awarded Shayla the Aboriginal Honour Drum. After she passed away, it was Simone and Richard who laboured with love in creating an exceptional deerskin bag to carry Shayla’s ashes. Without hesitation, both of them made plans to come to the stone at the reservoir with an elder, Marie Gail Winacott. Due to the construction at McKinley carrying on later than anticipated, the elder had Richard do the prayer, as she needed to return home. Simone and Richard first stopped in at the Memorial bench located at Dewdney Beach Access #1 in McKinley. Simone shared with me: “Richard and I sat upon Shayla’s bench and just chatted about her beautiful smile and contagious laugh. Then we met Dave and did a prayer with sage and tobacco that we gave to the mother earth, burning the sage.” 

Simone and Richard at Shayla's stone

All of what Simone shared brought me peace…a sense of grace that even though I could not be there for the removal of the stone, the creator had ensured the sacred area where the stone was unearthed from, would be honoured in prayer connected to Shayla.

Given the circumstances, I had pulled this together in less than 24 hours…which instilled in me that indeed Faith can move mountains, when you focus on the positive. 

In Matthew 5:4 Jesus promises comfort and a blessing for those who go through the process of grief and mourning: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

Yesterday, when I opened my email to see the pictures of the granite stone removed, I wept some more. Gone also is the special Lavender planted by her niece Parker and nephew, Mason.

The removal of much more than 'just a stone'...

After Shayla’s Memorial marker came out of the ground and was removed for safe keeping at a private location ( until it is re-installed), I went to my favourite beach~ Witty’s Lagoon. As I drove a song came on the radio and tears began to fall when I listened to the lyrics:

And I'll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

That you are who you are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm...

~ Casting Crowns – “Praise You in This Storm” 

I parked my car and walked the trail I have done so on many occasions. I climbed down the rocks to the pounding surf with my offerings. 

First, a beautiful oval shaped stone was released for my employer. I said some words up to heaven and let it go into the sea.

Next, I took a heart-shaped piece of Labradorite. This stone goes to the core of a matter and brings up suppressed issues for resolution. 

It anchors the light and connects to the universe. I took a few photographs and released the Labradorite pebble to the strong winds, weaving through the bent and knotted, Arbutus trees. I then scaled the crags of the rock cliffs, perched myself on the blackened stone and let the open waters cleanse me. 

Once back home, I found a song by the talented Métis singer Nakita Kohan.  I learned from my tender heart that the most tragic thing I can ever suffer, has already occurred- the death of my daughter. 

https://youtu.be/eUHhmxDWJzY

 The Prayer Song - Nakita Kohan

I will continue to Stand Tall in the eye of adversity…knowing:

“They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas; they live in one another still.’ ~ William Penn

There is an added positive note to my circumstances. I have been asked to return to where I worked, as the business will re-open again soon. I welcome the opportunity to be back in a place, which felt like I was always meant to be part of. 

By T L Alton