Infinity and Beyond

Over the course of three years, pebbles released have been stone seeds of my daughter’s legacy, making ripples all over this world. With every tapestry of story unraveling at my fingertips- my disjointed heart was slowly repaired from the wounds encountered- on a December day. When my lips could not transmit the sorrow, I let my hands connect with the keyboard- sharing with the world what the movement symbolizes to me- HOPE.

After sharing the 12^th with my forever friend Judy, she sent me a message dipped in her love. 

I LIVED more in that day than I have in a VERY long TIME and I THANK YOU for that!!!

Over the past year, as we have strengthened our bond; I give praise for the scars that I do not have to hide from her.  Judy is someone who when I turned to see my darkest shadows, her friendship sheltered me from many a storm. 

The day after we parted on December 13^th, I had significant plans. Yet, I have come to be acquainted with the unknown, which brings light to my obscurity. Revealing itself in ways that fills my soul with grace-this Sunday would be one to remember. 

Driving back from the hotel, I recalled Judy and I talking of our daughter’s love for Denny’s. In my reel of memories, I am reminded of late night trips to eat high calorie foods, weird combinations and have chats with Shayla at the local restaurant. There was always one constant factor as we indulged in deep fried foods and desserts layered with mounds of whipped crème…laughter was always shared! We use to make up light-hearted stories of the patrons who came and went. Like pieces of confetti, we spun various colourful tales, which amused us.  

Now, travelling down the road, I turned my vehicle into the Denny’s parking lot. I was famished and needing food before I embarked on the next part of my day. I sat down and was given a menu, which when I opened it, an enormous smile came across my face. 

Growing up, one of Shayla’s treasured Christmas cartoon was “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.”  One year, I bought a plush toy of her favourite character- Bumble, The Abominable Snow Monster of the North.  She cried and was overjoyed with glee over her present…it was wonderful to see given my daughter was 18 years old and such a kid at heart.

As I sat in my booth at Denny’s, I looked at the menu to see them featuring special Rudolph pancakes. I knew that would be my meal.

When the waitress approached, I thought of how Lindsay also loved to go to Denny’s with her mom, Judy. I wished we had the time to share in a meal, but both of us had prior commitments, which connected us further that evening. Looking up, I was greeted by a friendly waitress who welcomed me by saying:

“Hi! My name is Lindsay and I will be serving you today!” 

She could tell by the surprised look on my face that I was caught off-guard. I knew I had to share with her the significance of the moment. After telling her about Lindsay, she shared that her mother had a similar experience at a different restaurant, after the passing of a loved one. When asked if I could take her photograph to share both with Judy and on my blog, she happily obliged. 

 

When I left after finishing my meal, I felt Judy and my paths were ignited by our daughter’s love, far beyond the clouds.

Once I was back at the home I stay at, I gathered the angelic pair of earrings gifted to me by my dear friend Lilian. When the light catches them they sparkle. I have worn them on many occasions yet as I put them on, it was to honour the woman I would be wrapping gifts for later. 

It turned out to be a lovely day, with me deciding to re-visit Lindsay’s grave site, on my own. 

 

I went back to the same Thirty’s grocery store, Judy and I had been. Remembering about her daughter’s favourite colour, I found a blue rose with silver sparkles.  

As the sun’s rays led my car along the winding road, I marvelled in the vast area of the cemetery. Since I am challenged with directions, I had little hope of finding it, when I realized I was right at the corner where her plaque is. Now in the brightness of daylight, I was able to organize our flowers from the previous night and add the rose I had for her. Standing over Lindsay’s plaque, I thanked her for bringing an emblem of love and friendship into my life through her mother, Judy. I asked if she could tell Shayla I send my love and that I am at peace- knowing she is not alone in Heaven- now she has a big sister with her. It struck me how phenomenal it was that I was at a young girl’s grave, which I had never met- yet felt so much love for. I gave Judy my word I would return and my promise was kept, with future visits planned. 

Earlier in the week, I had received an email invite to a Christmas Giving Event put on by yoUnlimited.com   I have attended a previous author`s reading and marvelled at all the heart and passion, which goes into everything they put together. 

I had been gifted by my wonderful friend Terry Stofer, four heaping bags for my Christmas day plans of handing out gifts to those in need. I decided to gather one bag for this event to be given to a local woman’s transition house. 

It was before departing, that I checked the full email and saw the name of where donations were going to: “Harrison Place.”  This had profound meaning to me-as the baby that Shayla had come to visit when she passed away- was her nephew Harrison. One of the last pictures taken I have of my daughter alive, is her bending over Harrison as she is smiling. It was the next day, my daughter died in her car accident. Harrison Place also resonates within me and the abuse I have experienced in previous relationships.

Here is a full description:

Harrison Place |Supportive, transitional housing for single women aged 45 to 65 who have left abusive relationships. 22 affordable one-bedroom suites where women can stay for up to three years.  Harrison Place supports residents in becoming independent and self-reliant, through counselling support, activities and life skills training. S.A.F.E. (Self-sufficiency and Assets through Financial Education) Program provides life goal setting, critical financial education, and a safety net for women living in our supported housing.

For more information about Harrison Place please call 250 385-2103.

Once at the yoUnlimited event, I was enveloped by the energy of those gathered, to share gifts with those overcoming adversity. 

When speaking with Carolyne Taylor, who is described as a communitarian on her site, I expressed why I was taking part in this giving event.  I let my emotions convey the streamlining of love for my daughter Shayla and her own golden heart of helping others. Carolyne listened with compassion and after, she gifted me a copy of a book, written by Ginny Dennehy with Shelley Fralic. It is called, “Choosing Hope.”

At the time, I did not know of any connection to Ginny’s story, until later when I began to read the back and read of the Kelty Patrick Dennehy Foundation- which was created to maintain her children’s legacy. Given my own personal journey with mental health and wellness, as well as being an advocate- it was as if an invisible pebble had been dropped into the ocean, when I received this book. The ripples of survival, are reminders of others imparting their own stories, of inspiration onto me.

As we finished wrapping gifts, I looked around at the vibrant Gerbera daisies- Shayla’s cherished flower. A wave of mercy washed over me, as I reflected on the time I had spent with others.

That evening, at Cordova Bay United Church, I attended another gathering- the Annual Candle lighting Memorial Service, put on by The Compassionate Friends (TFC) of Canada in Victoria. Judy had to leave the morning of the 13th back to Campbell River, as she is part of TCF chapter there. 

 

I brought a picture of Shayla when she was younger, gazing upwards to heaven with such a peaceful look upon her.  There were several music selections including beautiful renditions of Over the Rainbow, and Goodnight my Angel, while poems from loved ones left behind, were read.

One by one, we stood with the candles given to us, walking up and lighting them in the names of those who had come to pass. As I stood with my flickering light, I let my voice carry the names I ignited the flame for…my darling daughter Shayla, my forever friend Judy’s daughter, Lindsay and in remembrance of my Uncle Steve, who had passed away this year only a few days earlier. 

At one point, we were asked to blow out our candle and I did not have to. Mine went out by itself and instead of shedding tears, it instilled in me the spark of Shayla, has been reassigned directly into my own scarred heart. A transformation has occurred in my anguish, where time is no longer frozen to December 12^th. My spirit sees me connected to my babygirl- as I have wiped death’s grim reminders from the compartments of my mind and replaced it with the presence of a life- lived to its fullest. While I dream of the other side, it is what awaits me- a Heavenly Paradise - that has me fill my well with faith. This is what Shayla would wish for her momma. ACCEPTANCE.

It is imperative to note just because I have accepted her death, it does not mean I have forgotten it. This year, what helped immensely in addition to Judy's presence, was the ongoing support of those who texted, emailed me and even called on this 4^th year of remembrance. Knowing my own heart, if it was the reverse, I would never overlook reaching out to others. 

For me, the simple words of:

“I am thinking of you” actually is felt as:

“I am not forgetting the worst day of your life or the death of your child.”

Time may heal, but it never erases what occurred.

After The Compassionate Friends Memorial Service concluded, people gathered for refreshments and goodies. It was a time to speak openly of those we continue to love. We shared about the child (ren) taken far too soon, yet also of their brilliant legacies left behind.

Later, I read a poem in a little book given to me, called...
“May an Angel Watch Over You.”

~ Douglas Pagels.

I hope you will be touched by kindness, inspired by wisdom, graced with understanding and kept safe from harm. I hope you have a charmed life and that your heart will always be an open window to deep and lasting joys. And I pray that you will always have an angel watching over you…there to trace on your wonderful face, a smile that you can keep forever.

For me- every memory collected over my grieving journey has brought me to this point- a long way from where I began. 

By TL Alton