Saturday, January 2, 2016

The Next Chapter



“Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by Imagination.” ~Voltaire

I stood watching the energy of the ocean glisten with the sun’s emissions of light. I had come with intention- purpose that had taken over three years to culminate.
Reaching into the pocket of my shawl, my fingertips felt the surface and a wave of emotions matched the pounding surf… Let me paint you a picture. 

During the Christmas season, I made plans to ring in 2016 in Sidney- by the sea. I had acquired a ticket to see “The Timebenders” perform at the heart of the Saanich Peninsula community ~ Mary Winspear Centre. The theme was Mardi Gras and I found the perfect mask. 


Earlier on New Year’s Eve before attending the event, I spent some time at SHAW Ocean Discovery Centre


I lingered over the aquariums intently- with my eyes scanning all of the sea creatures. My connection to the sea was obvious, to one volunteer member. Tammy watched as I discovered everything that swam, moved or clung to their ocean environment. She came over and struck up a conversation with me. As a volunteer for three years, Tammy could pick out those who were absorbed by what the centre had to offer. 

After inquiring about my visit, I told her about my strong bond with my rainbow child- Shayla- and how the deep waters connect us to one another. She smiled, replying how listening to me, Tammy felt as if she knew who Shayla was. 


 In relaying to her the intent of my travels to the area, I was told about the glints of sea glass along the beach, uniting me further with the ocean.

In researching the ‘glass beach’ in Sidney, I found a story about a fire that happened long ago at a hotel, just behind the beach. All the stain glass windows blew out and were carried out by the ocean; overtime the colorful glass was polished by the sea and sand, finding its way to being discovered back upon the shoreline. I liked this legendary tale as it creates vivid imagery.
I also cherished the time spent talking with Tammy, who had sought me out on a day, that held monumental purpose for me. 






On my way out, I glanced into an open aquarium and noticed two starfish nestled up against one another. Taking a closer look, I saw one of the starfish was missing an arm. It struck me with profound sense of relation…how I felt like I had lost a body part- a piece of me when Shayla passed away. Yet, as time carried on, much like the starfish, I have regenerated new growth. I will not be the same as I once was- as now I am different- but I have been restored.


As I let the winter sun cast warmth upon the neckline of my shawl, my footsteps took me to a man named Bob. He had been capturing nature’s magnificence, through a camera lens. I spoke briefly with him, unaware our paths would cross later. 

I let my hand settle into my pocket again- thinking of the journey of what  inspired me to write this movement…

When I feel like no one understands, or like I'm not being heard when I try to speak, I just write-because my paper and pen understands me- Latesha
Since my hotel where I was staying at was right near the ocean, I checked in to Sidney Waterfront Inn & Suites


From the moment I encountered Julia, I knew my choice of accommodations was perfectly suited. In the time I spent there, I found refuge in those who listened to a mother…letting go.
As I went to my room, I saw behind reception, a whiteboard with a quote- as if written solely for my presence. 


Upon entering my suite, I found a full kitchen unit, an electric wood-stove and the softest hotel towels, my hands have ever touched! As my gaze was upon the artwork above my bed, I sat down and reflected what it meant to me. Two ships on the open waters, sailing in different directions.
It settled within me- how I had encountered the greatest love of my life- in a man I saw as my soul mate.
Over the past year, leading me to this point, I accepted the fate of how 24 months would have made all the difference to us. In granting forgiveness to him, I let all of the hurts laid upon me dissipate. In its place, the beats of drums carry us back to our greatest road trip together… to  visit the ‘three sisters- Sitka trees.’ 




Knowing there would always be questions where no answers would ever be found, I needed to place my mind elsewhere. Looking back on the photographs I had captured to this point, allowed me to move forward.
Grounding me to my thoughts was how I had begun this day; paying respects to someone I consider family. In wanting to remember I was not alone in my journey of grief, I went to visit Lindsay’s grave. My soul sister Judy did not know of my plans. I placed a special blue and white Hawaiian flower clip that I had worn on many travels to the Islands. I attached it to the blue rose I had laid on a previous visit. 



For me, to come and see Lindsay’s grave site, is to acknowledge how two fragile mothers came together in 2014- on Christmas Day; embracing a friendship created in the heavens.

Back at my suite, I collected my Starbucks gift card sent to me from my treasured friend, Michelle. 

Happy New Year Michelle- Cheers!
 As I walked past a fashion store, a mannequin display with a unique paper and feathers dress caught my eye, that my daughter would have adored!


Shayla was passionate about clothes, in addition to the latest designs-she left behind many eclectic sketches of things to wear. I have a drawing of a dress in one of her books. I would love for someone to fuse together the butterfly material I was gifted in Armstrong and Shayla’s imagery. Wearing a dress she created would be like receiving a hug from above. 









I was reminded how I have upon my skin, a tattoo of another one of her sketches. Once back at my suite, I looked at it when I was getting ready for my New Year’s night. As my fingertip went over the symbolism of my tattoo, I focussed on everything it encompassed-one word stood out that I had not delved into. L O V E

My focus has been on self-discovery and healing thru my writing. Previous in my life, I had been bathed in blue- a storyteller with an afterglow of sorrow.

“Even tales of loss and hardship give us Courage and open up the doors of Love”- The Book of Negroes

In keeping my mind wide open to all possibilities- I came to understand the unfinished story of my life never would find healing- if not pursued. Love is something I believe will find me… if it is left alone, it will be discovered at a time least expected. When it is rooted, much like the acceptance Shayla found in me, that one person will hold close the obscurity of who I am and never be disloyal to it. 



One thing I do miss is being able to trust in Shayla with all of my fears.

I loved her not for the way she danced with my angels but for the way the sound of her name could silence my demons ~ C.P.

As I prepared for the evening, I wanted some music to keep me company. Turning on the T.V. the start of Adele’s “Hello” blasted into my room. Now, I must confess how I would rather be covered in peanut butter, rolled in sparkles and put on display in city centre- than listen to this song again! Brilliant as the Adele 25 CD is, the overplaying of “Hello,” has it locked into the core of my memory. When Miss Piggy and Kermit have covered your song- it’s time to move on to your next No. #1 hit. 

Instead, I shut the television off and turned on the radio. Within minutes, I was overcome with emotion. The lyrics to “What’s Going On” by 4 Non Blondes brought me to one year ago, at the previous New Year’s celebration- where it had been performed by the band. This song was a favourite of Shayla and mine as we cranked it up in my old beater of a vehicle; we hit the road like Thelma and Louise, but with a different purpose. 



Music was a staple in our world- as the very breathe we took; it matched the flow of the soundtrack of our lives. When I could not express my grief, I let the songs of others resonate the brokenness I felt inside. Over the course of The Heart Pebble Movement, I created many videos that were a reflection of the pain I have endured. 

Shayla liked to listen to rap music and it took me years to connect with her taste of this genre. Recently, when I heard the songs that make up the video I did- I had stayed up till 2 am, working on it. My daughter loved the compilation of mash-ups…taking a variety of songs and putting them together. The special video created by myself has three songs that I know Shayla would have enjoyed. The tribute marks my healing journey and is peppered with symbolism.
The opening of the video is where my daughter’s ashes were scattered on the Island of Maui. In the Pinnacle Vodka snapshot, we were in an ice bar in Florida, on our Disneyworld vacation. Another part displays the green bird from Cirque Du Soleil’s La Nouba. I remembered watching this self-conscious character on stage in downtown Disneyworld and how much I could relate. She escapes the cage she has been bound in and is anxious to fly. Yet the green bird can't fly away and join the circus, because she is too awkward. She remains trapped in the urban world like a marionette with tangled strings. This sums up how I felt trapped in the concrete jungle for many years- desperate to escape- but not knowing how, until I found the strength needed to do so. There is also a glimpse of the Piper key I own, which is connected to my first novel, “Under the Sitka Tree.” While this video is coupled with my daughter, it is also a montage of moments in my life that echo who I am and how far I have come in my bereavement journey. I have called it, “Our Last Ride,” as I have reached a new stage of my grief- “ACCEPTANCE.” 



While I may dream of what Paradise is like, I am no longer wishing I was in the passenger seat, listening to the Red Hot Chili Pepper’s ‘other side’ when she entered the reservoir. I do not dwell on Shayla’s suffering on the day she perished, rather I focus on the Salvation she now has in Heaven. 

Back at the hotel, I was putting on the finishing touches…
My sequined silver and black top came with embroidered words that suit me well:
Perfectly Imperfect.”

Likewise, the ring I had bought represented the different directions my life has taken. One part, reaches back across the universe, indicating what is left behind; the other extends forward, to the unfolding of my life, in phenomenal ways. To honour The Heart Pebble Movement, each glitter stone signifies a pebble let go into this world- in remembrance of my daughter. Though there have been many more, it is symbolic of what the cause has meant to me. 


Before leaving, to attend the New Year’s Eve celebration, I thought of my Memory Jar. I had made it on the last session of our bereavement support group, GriefShare. Tucked inside the decorated glass container, are scrolls of paper with words I have written, sharing precious memories of Shayla. Whenever, I am missing my babygirl, I pull out a memory and read it to make my heart smile again.



Even when the darkest thoughts try to overwhelm me, I have to set them across the table and recognize the impact they had- in order to receive closure. Now in its place, there remains an empty chair, where I am free and a memory jar full of joy… is by my side. 

Once at the event, I sat with two other couples who welcomed me at their table. We were entertained by the fabulous “Timebenders,” who performed in costume to decades of songs from the 50’s thru to the 90’s. The energy of this five piece band, lit the place up with the beats of Michael Jackson, crooning of Stevie Wonder and flamboyance of Lady Gaga.





With every costume change, there were bursts of laughter- especially when the male lead singer appeared in a blond wig, pale dress and white go-go boots, to belt out a melody of ABBA tunes. 

Throughout the evening, I met a variety of people. 



One lady, Thea, danced to Footloose with me. Margaret, who works at the Mary Winspear Centre, made me feel welcome. Right before midnight, I realized no one was at my table. A couple came and poured champagne and I assumed they were going back onto the dance floor. I watched as husband and wife came over to my side, to stand right next to me. When I told her I thought I would ring in the New Year alone, she smiled, gave me a squeeze and said, “You’re not alone anymore!” I was thrilled that strangers would be so gracious to me. 

That night, I toasted the past and those who are a part of it, instilling in me- life’s lessons. It was followed by a toast for my future- one where I am pursuing my gifts as a writer and plans to thrive, within my own words that remind me "He was there all the time..."

After midnight, The Timebenders continued to perform. When they sang the last song, I realized it was in the realm of Shayla that this was a night to remember. As they belted out “Life is a Highway,” I felt goose bumps, as my daughter and I use to play it on every road trip we had taken together. I held close the profound moment- as I thought of everything which binds us to God- uniting me in His love and an abundance of memories. 

Getting into my vehicle, I turned on the radio to hear “Oceans” by Hillsong United- one of my favourite Christian artists. Much like the sea needs Oxygen, I need our Lord and Saviour to sustain me. 



Once back at the hotel, I met up with Bob again, who had his professional camera and tripod equipment. He was going out on the pier to capture the galaxy of stars. I hurriedly went to my room, changed and joined him outside, under a planetary night sky. We talked about our lives and I spoke of Shayla. Grabbing from my jacket pocket, a container of bubbles, I told him how I always loved to blow the soap suds. As he checked on his camera, I proceeded to release bubbles into the wintry darkness. I stayed there chatting with Bob until 2 am. I felt so alive, under the half moon cast upon the darkened waters, on the first day of 2016! 

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you…and all the things you do…Yeah, they were all yellow ~ COLDPLAY 

Once back at the hotel-inside my room, I sat on the bed and thought about what had taken place the day before, signifying an end to my lamenting and to The Heart Pebble Movement.
After three years of writing stories…opening the grief of my heart and spilling it out onto the viral pages of the internet, the devotion of this cause is complete for me. 



Let me finish the picture…

On the day of New Year’s Eve, I stood on a pier. Placing my hand into my pocket, I pulled from within, the polished stone that was with Shayla when she died. She had been gifted the Rose Quartz heart in White Rock, by a woman who told my daughter she had a vibrant, colourful aura. After Shayla passed, I went thru her purse- which had been with her at the bottom of the reservoir. Zipped inside a pocket was the pink heart that when you looked at it towards the light, it now appeared to contain frozen shards. 


The Rose Quartz meaning is to help someone through an emotional trauma of loss. It was part of the inspiration for this movement. My former boyfriend Paul also played a significant role in, The Heart Pebble Movement, as he was the first to release a stone in Shayla’s memory. All of these things had served their purpose and I no longer felt I had to cling to something that was bound for release itself. Looking outward, I saw a distinctive curving line upon the waters…as if it was another indication that Shayla’s legacy will continue on…no matter what. 

My storytelling has seen over 16,000 people read about the pebble releases. It has evolved from the tragic loss of my daughter into the journey of me- a grieving mother. I have shared endless photographs, videos, quotes and stories. 

I am reminded of this powerful verse:
It is a miracle that I should live long enough to carry on my work as a Jeli, so that my own stories can outlive me – Aminata Diallo

As my lips kissed the polished heart pebble, one last time... I let it slip thru my fingers as I tossed it back into the sea…no longer did it bind me to December 12th; my healed soul is a seeker of His light.  

Checking out of my hotel room at Sidney Waterfront Inn & Suites, I gave thanks to Julia, Anita and Jackie- all who I had shared about Shayla. Looking at the whiteboard, Jackie had posted a new quote which made me be in awe of the wondrous verse.


It was as if I could imagine Shayla looking back at me, her smiling face and nodding her head in agreement. 

As I type the last words on my blog, I extend a wholehearted gratefulness… to all those who have participated over the years, in The Heart Pebble Movement. Some of you were strangers who I met only briefly, others were friends whose paths crossed and then continued on their own way; one- who was the love of my life- saw our hot air balloon carry on, without us in it. There are those who have remained constant friends- my gathering of sisters by heart- one who has the Aloha spirit, a group of ladies whose Christian sisterhood uplifts me, while another Soul sister, is an angel to me.
 
Gift box from my friend Angie, that carried the Rose Quartz to its final release...
When I first began writing posts, I believed it was to honour the memory of Shayla. Yet as I complete this epic blog, I see how my beloved daughter’s shining light, blazed the way for extraordinary adventures and people to come into my world. The stories will remain forever for those to read about the travelling pebbles and the healing they brought me. 
 
I leave you with the one quote that connects me to my first novel, 
Under the Sitka Tree” …
We Are Bound by Our Roots~ Not by Our Feet 

By TL Alton www.tlaltondesign.com  

6 comments:

  1. Dear Tonya
    Happy new year ! All my best wishes for the next chapter . As i sit here i do feel very sad this blog has come to an end . I shall miss the stories , the great tributes people did for shayla , but understand it is time . This blog bought tears to my eyes the video was amazing . I really looked forward every week to check if there was anew blog to read abit like back in victorian days when the strand would release one Sir Arthur Conan Doyle tales of sherlock holmes.
    I have always been your greatest fan of your writtings and will prey that we get to read some very soon . I will always support you in your dream of your writting career, i truely know that this is your calling .Thank you Tonya for the years of stories , i am so grateful you took us on this journey with you thanks . I hope alot more people of the world get to feel your golden heart . Take good care

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Capt.
      There is one thing that no matter what came along or defiance we endured, that we always both agreed upon- my God-driven gift of words and touching peoples hearts with them! The power of what I shared with a complete stranger- saw a lone figure against all odds- come meet the person who wrote messages for years. I still see the ethereal beauty in that! A fan you were from across the pond immersing yourself in your own Sherlock Holmes tale of discovery. Fate had other plans sending signs continually until one day I could no longer ignore the fact that I was slowly dying inside...when my feet came upon this island I knew my roots would take hold. I would go on to face battles of great proportions- this Warrior of Faith- and daughter of God, stood her ground...Always marching onward!
      Your kind reply comes from a place of sincerity, loss of greatest love and the void left behind by two extraordinary woman. Yet, the words of the Heart Pebble Movement lives on and have brought us closure. I value your support as you never wavered on being a fan of my work and to still read them after all that has transpired is a miracle in itself. I promise you this is only the beginning as you will read my words again and discover your part in UTST. This unknown, sometimes flip side journey of amazing moments resides in my golden heart. Do not feel sad because a chapter has closed, feel my joy that my writing carries on... into a new chapter, unfolding.
      Wishing You the Happiest of Years ahead! Take good care!
      S.R.F

      Delete
  2. Happy New Years my dear friend. I truly enjoyed your last blog and totally understand it is time to move on for you and have a fresh start in this next chapter in your life. ( love the last quote left on the white board) gave me goose bumps!! Loved the heart pebble movement and it meaning and will miss it. But am so looking forward to reading your books, love your writing. Sounds like such an amazing New Years you had, with such great people. I also loved your mash-up video, your so talented!! Love & hugs and cheers to new adventure in 2016

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's been an incredible whirlwind journey for me to be guided along by my Faith and friends. Every release I learned something from it; either by those who participated or the pebbles themselves. I embrace you Michelle, as being someone who uplifted me along the way :) I have several books to publish- two have already been written! I feel I had to go through a great deal of adversity in order to become the writer God always intended me to be! You have been a incredible friend and supporter Xox Thank you for your beautiful words and thrilled you loved my mash-up video!! As for the message on the wall, before I left the hotel, it was a clear 'sign' to keep on with my writing :) New Years shined a light onto what lays ahead! Wishing you the Happiest of 2016 with all of your exciting beginnings XO Love to you, Many Happy Hugs!!!

      Delete
  3. Tonya you are an incredible person. You have gone through so much but you still keep your head up high. I am proud of how far you have come in your healing journey. It seems that you have accepted that it is okay to still live a normal life, and I am sure that is what your Baby Girl Shayla would like for you. She would want her Mommy to be happy and to still live the best life possible. Shayla's love is shinning down on you and always will. It is amazing what you have done to honour and remember Shayla, it would make her feel so special, but I'm sure Shayla does know <3 What a beautiful video you have created of memories with Shayla and I love the music! You have talent and I believe writing is something that comes natural to you. I love you lots Tonya Xxo

    ReplyDelete
  4. There is such incredible beauty in the words you have shared Mindy! The unknown path has seen me tell the stories connected to Shayla, while teaching me life lessons along the way. Sometimes change is difficult to accept, while at other moments, when you are at a crossroads- the decisions you make becomes crystal clear. There came a point in my bereavement where I realized, parts of me are still broken and has nothing to do with Shayla. I have summoned all of my courage to seek the Truth in order to fully commit to my future. I strived to be an overcomer, while finding peace in knowing Shayla would be so very proud of me :) I am very grateful for your loving support and cherished friendship over the years! Thank you for the sweet words regarding my video Xox It has been so wonderful to take you along this extraordinary journey with Shayla at the core of this movement. I Love You Always, Much Light Xoxox

    ReplyDelete

Please feel free to post a comment. Remember after you have written something, please click on the options given, press continue and then click on PUBLISH. Thank You :)