Unravelling Life`s Purpose with Clarity

My solo journey has at times been so overwrought with emotions; it has been a struggle to compartmentalize the many layers of grief, I continue to process. Just because I released my daughter’s ashes, does not mean I have stepped off the merry go round of heartache. Yet, I have been granted a form of security. Knowing that in over two years since Shayla’s passing I have let go of things connected to that fateful, tragic day.

Much can be said for the ending of my six year relationship. If either of us were asked about the demise of our union, I know we would agree that the writing was on the wall, but I simply chose to paint over it. In walking away last year, I did not leave to go immediately find someone else, I left to seek solitude and find myself. 

We all yearn for harmony and the opportunity to be comfortable in our own skin. Yet there are others who cannot survive- being encircled by their own feelings of what their part was- in the demise of another. The choice of betrayal is something you can never take back and leaves those wounded, picking up the fragmented pieces… with many unanswered questions. My choice to not fill the void left by my former partner with a new person… is something I value, as it shows the strength I have, is immeasurable. It also has enabled me to process and mourn the love that is now gone, which takes much more courage to deal with than running into the arms of another. 

When my daughter died, it left me resisting the opportunity to release anything but anger back into the world. Then one day, I resolved to make the decision to walk through the fire and seize the love, beautiful memories and 21 years of what she shared. 

After returning from Maui, I brought the Lei I wore when I had released Shayla’s ashes into the sea, back to McKinley Reservoir. I decided I had to honour the words on my daughter’s memorial stone: “Be the Change You Want to See in this World.” I took the pin I have worn since her death and attached it to the bright orange flowers. On the other side of the reflector, I changed over the picture to the poster I once had on the back of my vehicle. It pays tribute to Shayla through The Heart Pebble Movement and One Crash is Too Many Campaign. I stood there in awe, as I was overcome with a new purpose…I was no longer defined by the frozen waters, as I had enlarged my borders beyond the shrine. No longer did all things lead to this area, as I now was finally looking past the horizon.

In my pocket was a heart shaped piece of coral that I had brought back with me and placed it on the white teddy bear Angel.

I am now applying this to other aspects of my life. Being tied to the past is to be bound to my regrets and does not allow the wounds to heal. In May, I am hoping to finally get resolution on something traumatic that occurred back in January- allowing me to mend the bruises on my spirit- once and for all.

In the meantime, I continue to keep the promise to myself that I am on this solo trek in order to expand my borders…being open to the extraordinary possibilities that await me. 

 `They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their own strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.`  - Isaiah 40:31

By T.L. Alton

The Circle of Life ~ Part 3

Humankind has not woven the web of life.
We are but one thread within it.
Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves.
All things are bound together.
All things connect ~ Chief Seattle, 1854

Shayla's bag for her ashes

 Throughout my adventures on Maui, I learned that I was not in control of this journey. People came into my life and even if for a short time, left their mark on my world. This was the case when I was seeking to honour Shayla in the last part of my ‘releasing her.’ 

The evening of the Fire Ceremony, I went to where Shayla's ashes had been released and took this picture

Before I left Canada, I contacted the Métis Society. I wanted to know what I should do with the beautifully crafted Medicine bag, which held my daughter’s ashes. I took away from the conversation that burning it would be the best option. 

Shortly after my daughter had passed away, I found a bag amongst her things. It contained a braided piece of sweet grass, a pebble and sage that was bound together with string. Shayla had participated in smudging ceremonies and joined in sweat lodges.
It is interesting to note in sweat lodge ceremonies, red-hot rocks fuel the purification process that aids spiritual growth . Finding these items brought me a sense of peace as I know my daughter was proud of her Aboriginal roots.

When the original plans and location to burn the bag fell through due to monsoon rains, time was not on my side. The day before I left Maui, Terry and I had gone to check out our options. We soon discovered an area at the ocean. I began to look around and soon discovered this was a party location. I knew I would be returning with a bag to clean up whatever rubbish I could.

Amongst the rocks Terry finds a sea cucumber to show me

Nothing could take away from the stunning display of scenery before us

Later at sunset, Terry and his sons, Andrew and Terrance picked me up and we went to the spot. Once there, we set out to clean the already established fire pit. I was not comfortable with the stuff I saw that had been previously burned and we removed as much garbage as possible. We glanced over to the underbrush to see a tent had now been pitched. Suddenly, two young girls emerged and introduced themselves. Megan and Hannah were from Red Deer, Alberta in Canada. They had rented bicycles and were touring the Island. From the moment I met them, I sensed that where they had set up camp was not a safe location. During my time on Maui, I noticed several posters asking questions about the disappearance of 27-year-old Carly “Charli” Joann Scott, and 46-year-old Moreira “Mo” Monsalve. Their Missing Persons pictures are still in my mind and the sad fact that Carly is over five months pregnant, is heart wrenching. 

After explaining our purpose for being at this spot, I invited both Hannah and Megan to join us in the Burning Ceremony. While the fire was being made by Terry, Terrance and Andrew, I was taking in the spectacular sight of whales breaching. The sea was engulfing the lava stone, while the sun filtered through the wisps of clouds.

We shared in fresh Coconut around the warmth of fire and sheltered by a dazzling night sky

A hole in the floor of Heaven

 I gazed at the bag that once contained Shayla’s ashes. It was created by my daughter’s Aboriginal mentors, Richard and Simone Gauthier. Richard had cut his first sash in half and woven it onto the bag. The Métis infinity symbol was beaded onto it and the circle of life was affixed in symbolic colours. I found this beautiful stated passage that reflects the Spirit. 

The life of a man is a circle from childhood to childhood, and so it is
in everything where power moves. Our teepees were round like the
nests of birds, and these were always set in a circle, the nation's hoop,
a nest of many nests, where the Great Spirit meant for us to hatch our children.
~ Black Elk, Holy Man of the Oglala Sioux 1863-1950

 

Before this ceremonial burning, I had researched the importance of this final release. What I was doing was vital to give blessing of the past energy to transcend to the highest sacred path. In studying local tradition, I found out the Hawaiian name for Angel was ‘Anela’ and means: Follower of the light. I felt profound relief in knowing all things connected to Shayla were coming full circle.

As we gathered together and the embers were at their hottest, I laid upon the fire- her ash bag. Since there is no obligation to speak during a Fire Ceremony, I chose to play two songs as a tribute to the life of my 21 year old daughter. As the bag slowly burned- representing the past- I placed on it, an offering; the piece of sweet grass once belonging to Shayla. I filmed the entire occasion and took many photographs. 

An additional offering of things I wanted to release Forever...

The Tortilla Shell fossil stone pictured assisted me in taking hold of life occurrences that were in my past, nightmarish. Every life lesson has provided the opportunity to use the tools given for the advancement of my soul and spirit. I decide whether the experiences I am granted will strengthen me as a person or try to make me a victim. I choose to be a Survivor and released anything negative that has tried to attach itself since Shayla’s death. I also offered to the element of water, a silver shell with the word “IMAGINE” on it- I let go Forever of someone else I once loved- which set me Free. 

*The value of imagery in Native American ceremony is important, for the Spirit of God is real. This is a way of demonstrating our gratefulness and thanksgiving to God. When we pray to our Source and Supply who is God; He can, will and does affect our lives. So honoring Him and showing Him respect is part of this ceremony.

"Therefore I say unto you, what things you desire when you pray, believe that you receive them and you shall have them." Mark 11:24*

I felt such an incredible presence when the bag was turning into ashes and later in the quietness of my room; I viewed the powerful images within the flames of the fire. These unusual snapshots will never be published, as I continue to want my privacy respected. What I will share… is the decision by Terry and myself to pack the young ladies up and bring them back to a safe place on Maui, was a wise choice. As a mother, I could not imagine leaving them behind, knowing there were other loved ones missing. I also acknowledged the reality that had we held the burning a week earlier, on another part of the Island, our paths would never have crossed with Megan and Hannah. 

  

I trust that my sweet Anela was watching over us that fateful night and brought each one of us together as threads in the web of life, to be part of a beautiful release…

By TL Alton 

*Credit given to: http://www.drstandley.com/nativeamerican_fire.shtml