My solo journey has at times been so overwrought with emotions;
it has been a struggle to compartmentalize the many layers of grief, I continue
to process. Just because I released my daughter’s ashes, does not mean I have
stepped off the merry go round of heartache. Yet, I have been granted a form of
security. Knowing that in over two years since Shayla’s passing I have let go
of things connected to that fateful, tragic day.
Much can be said for the ending of my six year relationship.
If either of us were asked about the demise of our union, I know we would agree
that the writing was on the wall, but I simply chose to paint over it. In
walking away last year, I did not leave to go immediately find someone else, I
left to seek solitude and find myself.
We all yearn for harmony and the opportunity to be comfortable
in our own skin. Yet there are others who cannot survive- being encircled by
their own feelings of what their part was- in the demise of another. The choice
of betrayal is something you can never take back and leaves those wounded, picking
up the fragmented pieces… with many unanswered questions. My choice to not fill
the void left by my former partner with a new person… is something I value, as
it shows the strength I have, is immeasurable. It also has enabled me to
process and mourn the love that is now gone, which takes much more courage to deal
with than running into the arms of another.
When my daughter died, it left me resisting the opportunity to
release anything but anger back into the world. Then one day, I resolved to
make the decision to walk through the fire and seize the love, beautiful
memories and 21 years of what she shared.
After returning from Maui, I brought the Lei I wore when I had
released Shayla’s ashes into the sea, back to McKinley Reservoir. I decided I
had to honour the words on my daughter’s memorial stone: “Be the Change You
Want to See in this World.” I took the pin I have worn since her death and
attached it to the bright orange flowers. On the other side of the reflector, I
changed over the picture to the poster I once had on the back of my vehicle. It
pays tribute to Shayla through The Heart Pebble Movement
and One
Crash is Too Many Campaign. I stood there in awe, as I was overcome
with a new purpose…I was no longer defined by the frozen waters, as I had
enlarged my borders beyond the shrine. No longer did all things lead to this
area, as I now was finally looking past the horizon.
 |
|
In my pocket was a heart shaped piece of coral that I had
brought back with me and placed it on the white teddy bear Angel.
|
I am now applying this to other aspects of my life. Being
tied to the past is to be bound to my regrets and does not allow the wounds to
heal. In May, I am hoping to finally get resolution on something traumatic that
occurred back in January- allowing me to mend the bruises on my spirit- once
and for all.
In the meantime, I continue to keep the promise to myself that
I am on this solo trek in order to expand my borders…being open to the
extraordinary possibilities that await me.
`They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their own
strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be
weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.`
- Isaiah 40:31
By T.L. Alton
