Unravelling Life`s Purpose with Clarity

My solo journey has at times been so overwrought with emotions; it has been a struggle to compartmentalize the many layers of grief, I continue to process. Just because I released my daughter’s ashes, does not mean I have stepped off the merry go round of heartache. Yet, I have been granted a form of security. Knowing that in over two years since Shayla’s passing I have let go of things connected to that fateful, tragic day.

Much can be said for the ending of my six year relationship. If either of us were asked about the demise of our union, I know we would agree that the writing was on the wall, but I simply chose to paint over it. In walking away last year, I did not leave to go immediately find someone else, I left to seek solitude and find myself. 

We all yearn for harmony and the opportunity to be comfortable in our own skin. Yet there are others who cannot survive- being encircled by their own feelings of what their part was- in the demise of another. The choice of betrayal is something you can never take back and leaves those wounded, picking up the fragmented pieces… with many unanswered questions. My choice to not fill the void left by my former partner with a new person… is something I value, as it shows the strength I have, is immeasurable. It also has enabled me to process and mourn the love that is now gone, which takes much more courage to deal with than running into the arms of another. 

When my daughter died, it left me resisting the opportunity to release anything but anger back into the world. Then one day, I resolved to make the decision to walk through the fire and seize the love, beautiful memories and 21 years of what she shared. 

After returning from Maui, I brought the Lei I wore when I had released Shayla’s ashes into the sea, back to McKinley Reservoir. I decided I had to honour the words on my daughter’s memorial stone: “Be the Change You Want to See in this World.” I took the pin I have worn since her death and attached it to the bright orange flowers. On the other side of the reflector, I changed over the picture to the poster I once had on the back of my vehicle. It pays tribute to Shayla through The Heart Pebble Movement and One Crash is Too Many Campaign. I stood there in awe, as I was overcome with a new purpose…I was no longer defined by the frozen waters, as I had enlarged my borders beyond the shrine. No longer did all things lead to this area, as I now was finally looking past the horizon.

In my pocket was a heart shaped piece of coral that I had brought back with me and placed it on the white teddy bear Angel.

I am now applying this to other aspects of my life. Being tied to the past is to be bound to my regrets and does not allow the wounds to heal. In May, I am hoping to finally get resolution on something traumatic that occurred back in January- allowing me to mend the bruises on my spirit- once and for all.

In the meantime, I continue to keep the promise to myself that I am on this solo trek in order to expand my borders…being open to the extraordinary possibilities that await me. 

 `They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their own strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.`  - Isaiah 40:31

By T.L. Alton

Unravelling a Fairytale

It seems as if a lifetime has passed in me finally returning to The Heart Pebble Movement. The reality is… I have never stopped sharing or speaking of the cause, that interconnects my daughter and I~ Forever.

In the past months I have unravelled myself from a world that I honestly thought would be there, when I gazed into my future. I lifted the veil of illusion I had on my personal life and for the first time, looked past the gypsy princess, dancing around the flames. My eyes averted the Captain sailing his ship and I directed my vision… far away from the spurious castle I emerged from.

What I discovered in its purest, rawest form… was that I had written myself into a fairytale that only existed amongst the tattered, worn pages-I had composed almost ten years ago. A grand chimera where I resided once- in a world so convoluted… that even fairies dare not enter.

Upon walking through the door and leaving the comforts of my imaginary realm, my feet began to gather into a sprint…removing from my heart the deadly grip of insecurities, mistrusts and inequalities, set upon me by others. In its place, there formed a new certainty- one in where I could reach out to and feel that it was REAL.

Untangling myself from over a decade of baggage was necessary- for the doctrine of healing could only be applied once I had clarity. This occurred when I laid claim to my independence and regained the Faith within myself, that I had buried deep past my own shadow. In making allowances for my mistakes, I garnered a deeper respect for who I was, by embracing life’s lessons along the way.

All the while, being misguided- I envisioned the secret to my happiness was external- connected to people and things I saw tangible. Yet, when I looked in the mirror, there was an imprint over my heart of what I needed in order to let go…the skeleton key belonging to someone who thought she was not brave enough to walk away.

TRUTH is, this Warrior of Faith, who fought countless battles along the way…has re-surfaced in spirit of celebrating and reclaiming the Survivor she Always has been.

By T L Alton