Unravelling Life`s Purpose with Clarity

My solo journey has at times been so overwrought with emotions; it has been a struggle to compartmentalize the many layers of grief, I continue to process. Just because I released my daughter’s ashes, does not mean I have stepped off the merry go round of heartache. Yet, I have been granted a form of security. Knowing that in over two years since Shayla’s passing I have let go of things connected to that fateful, tragic day.

Much can be said for the ending of my six year relationship. If either of us were asked about the demise of our union, I know we would agree that the writing was on the wall, but I simply chose to paint over it. In walking away last year, I did not leave to go immediately find someone else, I left to seek solitude and find myself. 

We all yearn for harmony and the opportunity to be comfortable in our own skin. Yet there are others who cannot survive- being encircled by their own feelings of what their part was- in the demise of another. The choice of betrayal is something you can never take back and leaves those wounded, picking up the fragmented pieces… with many unanswered questions. My choice to not fill the void left by my former partner with a new person… is something I value, as it shows the strength I have, is immeasurable. It also has enabled me to process and mourn the love that is now gone, which takes much more courage to deal with than running into the arms of another. 

When my daughter died, it left me resisting the opportunity to release anything but anger back into the world. Then one day, I resolved to make the decision to walk through the fire and seize the love, beautiful memories and 21 years of what she shared. 

After returning from Maui, I brought the Lei I wore when I had released Shayla’s ashes into the sea, back to McKinley Reservoir. I decided I had to honour the words on my daughter’s memorial stone: “Be the Change You Want to See in this World.” I took the pin I have worn since her death and attached it to the bright orange flowers. On the other side of the reflector, I changed over the picture to the poster I once had on the back of my vehicle. It pays tribute to Shayla through The Heart Pebble Movement and One Crash is Too Many Campaign. I stood there in awe, as I was overcome with a new purpose…I was no longer defined by the frozen waters, as I had enlarged my borders beyond the shrine. No longer did all things lead to this area, as I now was finally looking past the horizon.

In my pocket was a heart shaped piece of coral that I had brought back with me and placed it on the white teddy bear Angel.

I am now applying this to other aspects of my life. Being tied to the past is to be bound to my regrets and does not allow the wounds to heal. In May, I am hoping to finally get resolution on something traumatic that occurred back in January- allowing me to mend the bruises on my spirit- once and for all.

In the meantime, I continue to keep the promise to myself that I am on this solo trek in order to expand my borders…being open to the extraordinary possibilities that await me. 

 `They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their own strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.`  - Isaiah 40:31

By T.L. Alton

Beyond the Books

 Teachers who inspire realize there will always be rocks in the road ahead of us...whether stumbling blocks or stepping stones; it all depends on how we use them.  ~Author Unknown

In 2007, I was accepted into the Teaching English as a Second Language (TESL) program at Okanagan College. The transition back into school was not easy, as I had to apply for funding and make a solid case for my return to educate myself. Now in my thirties, the challenges I faced were enormous. I had to prove my desire to return to school was worthwhile the financial support I would receive. After a lengthy process and many hours dedicated to my goals, I was approved for a grant and started the TESL program in autumn.

Dini Steyn, born in Holland and raised in South Africa, was the facilitator of our group, and the one who coordinated discussions. Her style of lessons focussed on each of us being treated as equals, while our immersion into a variety of cultures, helped us as a teaching tool.

Even as we prepared ourselves for every class, one memory of Dini stands out amongst the rest. We arrived in class and settled into our seats.  Our teacher spoke of the many cultures that are part of our country and the struggles each newcomer to Canada encounters.  To help us better understand what it feels like to come to a foreign land and try to assimilate, Dini informed us that she would be teaching us her own language for the first part of the class. Without further delay, she spoke to all of us in Afrikaans and acted like we were suppose to understand. It did not take long for the sinking feeling of confusion and helplessness to overwhelm me. I looked at my peers and also saw the look of bewilderment on their faces.  

Afterwards, our teacher spoke of a four-part television series with facilitator, participant guide and website she managed entitled, Walk a Mile: The Immigrant Experience in Canada. © 2000. Open Learning Agency. We watched a segment with keen interest. I had always been mindful of other cultures, but naive in how placing an order for food can become a distressing task to those unfamiliar with the complex English language. This one day of instruction has stayed with me and I have used the knowledge I gained from Dini, in many ways; especially since relocating to the coast.

My teacher’s methods of teaching have instilled in me skills that are conveyed in my daily writing. If ever I find myself in need of diversity and wanting to tap into the integration of our society, I fondly recall what I was taught by Dini.

One of the other highlights in TESL was when Dini gave permission for Shayla to attend one of the classes, where I was giving a lesson. Seeing the pride emitted from my daughter, as she watched me teach, was a moment I will cherish always.

It has been five years since my classroom days were filled with idioms, avoidance of the passive voice and the importance of laughter. Yet the communication has remained between Dini and me. We transitioned from teacher-student, to becoming friends. Her support of my aspirations, while always maintaining an encouraging perspective, has seen me through many ordeals.

It was when I suffered the greatest loss of my life that I found my former teacher and now friend, a vast supporter as I grieved for my daughter.  Dini attended both the Celebration of Life for Shayla on December 12, 2011 and the recent Candle Light Memorial at McKinley Park. She embraced The Heart Pebble Movement by placing two special ‘pebbles’ I gave her from Shayla’s collection. The first one was immersed at the Oxbow Campsite- one of Dini’s favourite campsites in Penticton, British Columbia. The surrounding Skaha Lake also holds a connection to Shayla, as we use to live in the area and she would play in the waters.  The other pebble was placed recently in the Caribbean while Dini enjoyed a cruise, along the Atlantic Ocean. Opalite is actually sea opal glass and has a brilliant iridescent hue to it. It is a stone of personal power, known to improve one's sense of self-worth. Along with these empowering qualities, it also engenders the related quality of inner strength. Emotionally, Opalite is useful when undergoing great change, as it assists in making smooth transitions. I have learned long ago not to question the function or travels of these pebbles, as they always seem to find the right person.  My friend has inspired me, comforted me and given of herself while I mourn. In the elements of the Opalite, I see a mirror reflection of Dini’s attributes; a person who is dedicated to instilling one's sense of self and the inner strength she enjoys as a teacher. Now when I look back, it is with gratitude, for the many lessons I learned were beyond the books and stumbling blocks.

By T L. Alton