Unravelling Life`s Purpose with Clarity

My solo journey has at times been so overwrought with emotions; it has been a struggle to compartmentalize the many layers of grief, I continue to process. Just because I released my daughter’s ashes, does not mean I have stepped off the merry go round of heartache. Yet, I have been granted a form of security. Knowing that in over two years since Shayla’s passing I have let go of things connected to that fateful, tragic day.

Much can be said for the ending of my six year relationship. If either of us were asked about the demise of our union, I know we would agree that the writing was on the wall, but I simply chose to paint over it. In walking away last year, I did not leave to go immediately find someone else, I left to seek solitude and find myself. 

We all yearn for harmony and the opportunity to be comfortable in our own skin. Yet there are others who cannot survive- being encircled by their own feelings of what their part was- in the demise of another. The choice of betrayal is something you can never take back and leaves those wounded, picking up the fragmented pieces… with many unanswered questions. My choice to not fill the void left by my former partner with a new person… is something I value, as it shows the strength I have, is immeasurable. It also has enabled me to process and mourn the love that is now gone, which takes much more courage to deal with than running into the arms of another. 

When my daughter died, it left me resisting the opportunity to release anything but anger back into the world. Then one day, I resolved to make the decision to walk through the fire and seize the love, beautiful memories and 21 years of what she shared. 

After returning from Maui, I brought the Lei I wore when I had released Shayla’s ashes into the sea, back to McKinley Reservoir. I decided I had to honour the words on my daughter’s memorial stone: “Be the Change You Want to See in this World.” I took the pin I have worn since her death and attached it to the bright orange flowers. On the other side of the reflector, I changed over the picture to the poster I once had on the back of my vehicle. It pays tribute to Shayla through The Heart Pebble Movement and One Crash is Too Many Campaign. I stood there in awe, as I was overcome with a new purpose…I was no longer defined by the frozen waters, as I had enlarged my borders beyond the shrine. No longer did all things lead to this area, as I now was finally looking past the horizon.

In my pocket was a heart shaped piece of coral that I had brought back with me and placed it on the white teddy bear Angel.

I am now applying this to other aspects of my life. Being tied to the past is to be bound to my regrets and does not allow the wounds to heal. In May, I am hoping to finally get resolution on something traumatic that occurred back in January- allowing me to mend the bruises on my spirit- once and for all.

In the meantime, I continue to keep the promise to myself that I am on this solo trek in order to expand my borders…being open to the extraordinary possibilities that await me. 

 `They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their own strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.`  - Isaiah 40:31

By T.L. Alton

Resonating the Transformation of Grief

While most people may have been worrying about the end of the world, I was wrapped up in remembering the one day when my everyday life with Shayla came to an end. Today marks one year ago I stood amongst my daughter’s family, friends and loved ones to give the Eulogy at her funeral.  I chose to honour my babygirl with a Celebration of her Life, to capture the essence of who my daughter was and convey the brilliant legacy she left behind.

There is a quote that best echoes my feelings right now…

They say that from the instant she lays eyes on her, a mother adores her daughter. Whoever she grows up to be, she is always to her mother, that little girl in pigtails…. She makes her feel like Christmas. In exchange, she keeps a secret promise not to see the awkwardness of her teenage years, the mistakes she makes or the secrets she carries…for these qualities are priceless and only seen in the bonds of motherhood. ~UNKNOWN

Ask anyone who has lost someone they loved about time standing still. For me 3:42 are numbers etched onto a heart now stitched with mourning. This number matters only to me as I continue this path of “if onlys.” Shayla was a reflection of me and now that the mirror is shattered, I have to answer to myself…no longer can I count on her.

I have tried ceaselessly in my dreams to stand at Heaven’s gate and demand to know what my lot in life is.  My feet have waded through snow covered hillsides, searching for my daughter, yet all I find is stillness. My words are weighed down like pebbles in a stream, the flow of water taking along with them …my emotions.

On this one year mark, the deep questioning continues, but what remains steadfast is my faith.  I have never blamed God for taking my only precious child, nor have I asked, “Why Me?”  What I have done is to be the voice of Shayla, silenced on December 12, 2011. I have done this without my own family present in my life, as I considered myself an ‘orphan’ long ago. I have stood up, when others expected me to crumble and I made sure that everyone who possibly could know my daughter’s name certainly did.

After Shayla was killed on McKinley Landing Road, I had a choice…to simply walk away and do nothing, grieve in silence and possibly become bitter inside or to campaign for change, making that stretch of road safer for others. My objective is to prevent future tragedies from occurring and assist those who have also suffered the death of a child. My beautiful babygirl lived such a vibrant life; her positive ways impacting those in her own community. If I hold onto only regret, I would be consumed by the same iniquity that has wormed its way into the roots of my own family.

The decision to be better even while in the throes of despair has not been an easy journey. Yet I have taken the gifts given to me in the form of a extraordinary daughter and weaved my own loss into the writing I share here.

Today, as I muddled thru, I was searching for a sign that some way, somehow Shayla was with me…if only watching over me. After speaking with my best friend in Alberta, who knew how hard this day would be on me, I decided to go into town. This was not an easy thing for me to do and I was reluctant to enter stores smothered in holiday debris. Upon entering a local business, I found myself with an empty basket, floating aimlessly down each aisle with no purchases in sight. Suddenly, I realized I was in the toy department and I started to look for the way out. It was then I was approached by an older lady, who had a little boy tucked into a cart. She whispered to me, “Could I ask you a big favour?” I hesitated to even answer, but then noticed her pointing to a stack of packaged toys on a shelf. “I am going around the corner and when I distract my little grandson, can you please put these presents for him under the cart?” In an instant, I felt my heart over come with warmth and a smirk on my face; I gave her a wink and nodded in agreement. I would help a grandmother with her secret shopping. Abruptly, my thoughts went back to one of my all time favourite holiday shows: How the Grinch Stole Christmas and the part where he hands out the presents to the people of Who Ville. This was exactly how I felt as I do not have a tree or presents, baubles, stockings or wreaths. It was as if Shayla was a heavenly Cindy Lou Who, smiling from above and letting me know that Christmas in whatever form, would always remain in my heart.

By T L. Alton