A Heart of Redemption

There are moments in my life where the darkest secrets within, have been spilled out on pages of crumpled loose leaf paper, or written on torn notes passed to one another. Embedded on the worn sheets are more than coloured ink…they contain the formations upon which the spirit of friendship resides. 

In September, as autumn scattered across the canvas of painted foliage- bursts of yellows swelling with hues of sienna and crimson – I received a visit from someone I have known for thirty years. I am smiling as I type this as some of the stories are plucked right out of a steamy Jackie Collins Bestseller, while others are brimming with the salt of my tears, spilled over three decades of our union, as friends. 

With any solid friendship, there are times of strength and brokenness. We have experienced love in our lives and while I have never attained the joys of a continual true devotion- my dear friend Michelle’s soul mate and partner for life-Chris, has seen her living a fulfilled journey with him… planning their next adventure together.  

Inside the multi- layers of our bond, we also share the underbelly of relationships; knowing too well what violence against woman truly means. We have entrusted one another with dark matters of the heart, buried deep down and found in exposing our secrets; it feels like we have known one another for many lifetimes. 

There was an occasion when years of knowing one another, were interrupted by the misunderstandings, of my stubborn self. An instance on social media, where I was revealing about my health, took a misleading curve. When Michelle replied, I mistook what she said- as is often the case with on-line sharing. Instead of clearing the air, I chose to not speak to her as my hurt straddled my obstinate heart; I simply did not want to deal with it. This was foolish on my part and I admit to being a flawed human. 

This was someone who was there the night I was dumped on New Year’s Eve, when we were supposed to be celebrating my 17^th birthday…a dear friend who came to my disastrous shotgun first wedding- with me bursting out of a crème dress that resembled a small tent. I would give birth to my daughter, one month later. Michelle came to visit when I was living in the Okanagan and saw Shayla growing up thru pictures and in person. 

The time that was taken from us in not speaking, was on my part and knowing what I do now, I can only be humbled that she returned into my life. The irony of how we reunited is filled with tragedy. I had been staying at a home of a mutual friend and planning Shayla’s Candlelight Vigil at McKinley Park. I had written about the 1^st year of her passing and my friend had posted it on social media. At some point, Michelle was scrolling through the posts and to her sorrow and disbelief she read about the one year memorial for a little girl she once knew. Since the event was taking place soon, Michelle asked our mutual friend if she could attend. What should have been an uplifting moment of camaraderie and outpouring of her support, made me tore up as I realized how utterly stupid I had been to let some words on-line affect me- especially since they were never intended! I knew that some way this was meant to happen; us coming together and I felt sheepish that this was the timing of it all! 

We met at a local fast food place and Michelle had brought a red rose to place at the reservoir for my babygirl. We hugged and it was one of the hardest life lessons I was part of. She came out to the park, joining others and braved the cold. While my voice carried over the neighbourhood, I looked at my friend and knew that someday I would have to acknowledge what had transpired. 

The time for me to say from the depth of my heart, how tremendously sorry I am that I allowed my own negative thinking to cloud my better judgement, is now. Even though, time and time again, I could have spoken with her in person about the matter, I always skirted the issue- ashamed that I let years go by without Michelle in my life! I am so very sorry my friend had to find out on social media that my daughter had been killed in a car wreck! My hope is when she reads the following words; Michelle will see just how much I wish I could have changed a misunderstanding! 

Michelle, you are the one close friend who has been there for monumental events connected to Shayla. 

During my time in Armstrong, you braved treacherous roads to come visit me and gifted me with the most beautiful handmade Christmas wreath I have ever seen. With sparkling butterflies, silver and pink décor, you had loving placed an angel and even a pink fairy home- like the one I had created for my daughter, as part of it. 

It was you who came with me to get my first tattoo. After I saw your daughter getting one, I was inspired to have placed on me, something extraordinary that Shayla designed years earlier. 

 

There were many tears that day- on my part and much laughter- on yours! We agreed that would be my only tattoo to grace my body!

When the Memorial bench was going to be installed, it was you and I who went beforehand and as the photographs show that day, we had a brilliant time! Later, when it was finally placed there, you came and attended the dedication and released balloons for the little girl you once knew. 

On your travels with your husband Chris, you have done exceptional pebble releases over waterfalls in Quebec and on the very same beach Shayla once walked- Las Caletas Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

This summer, in sharing you were coming for a visit, I completely changed my place around to show you how much I valued our friendship. I was honoured how in the midst of your hectic life and upcoming changes, you would find time for me. I went out and bought new sheets and a quilt, towels, and even made a basket full of goodies to place on your bed. Later when I told you I had appetizers for us, you laughed when I presented a tray full of skittles, jelly belly`s and chocolate covered treats! 

The goodies complimented the Ice wine you brought and the Damali Lavender wine we had to share in.

I was thrilled for your visit which was epic- 48 hours we spent together (this included driving from the Okanagan and hopping a ferry)! 

Beacon Hill Park

I treated you to Butterfly Gardens; you in turn bought us a fabulous meal at my favourite “Taste of Europe Deli,” where we ate homemade borscht, pierogies and sausages. I took you to one of my favourite places- Beacon Hill Park where we strolled along eating creamy ice cream from the legendary diner. I was thrilled to take you to my workplace and show you the gardens, I lovingly restored. Our walk along the ocean and blowing bubbles is such a cherished memory! 

Flirty Birdy loved Michelle!

My favourite place- Butterfly Gardens

Later back at my house, we sat and talked about the years we missed! You gave me another opportunity to speak about it, but I –who am never at a loss of words-, did not know what to say. Nevertheless, what you shared with me that night is something that opened me up to realize, I am not alone in things I have been subjected to. 

The evening we had, was spent with me wanting to share some of what you missed with Shayla and also her Celebration of Life. We were able to watch a video of my daughter dancing to “From Where You Are”- the sheer paradox of the song I spoke of with you. We had many laughs watching Shayla and I on our last trip together to Disneyworld; all captured on video and played out for us beautifully. The moment when you agreed to watch her funeral, which I have on DVD, I will never forget the tears shed- mother to mother, friend to friend. Your tender words of sadness conveyed to me just how much Shayla meant to you and her passing, affecting you with such a profound loss.

Since re-connecting, I have been privileged to see photographs of all of your gorgeous daughters and snapshots of their pregnancies, along with your grandchildren -sweet little Jaxon and newly born Zayla. 

At the end of our whirlwind visit, I presented you with a scrapbook I created with love- brimming with memories past and news ones forged. Every page tells a story and includes those who are no longer part of my life. It brought a smile to you when I presented it as your birthday gift. I know you understood it symbolizes the beauty of what we have shared, over the years. 

Spirit of Friendship Shakers from Butterfly Gardens

 Michelle gifted me

For me this post is a special tribute long overdue…to finally give you a reply and be at peace that even though I cannot undo my actions back then… I am dedicated to ensuring we are able to have many years of friendship- no matter what life may bring. 

By TL Alton