The Hurt & The Healer

I'm alive…
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide…
When the hurt and the healer collide ~ Mercyme

I want to extend my grace to those who have sent kind-hearted messages, expressed their support and love throughout the challenging times I have been forced to deal with. The emotional suffering I have undergone - instills in me that I do not walk this journey -without those who are lifting me up, along the way.

To have someone hinder the grieving process of a mother aching, because of the loss of their child is inexcusable. Yet, over this painful experience, I take consolation in that I would never want to continue to reside in a home, underneath someone who is full of spite and resentment. 

Where I am now is only temporary… as final decisions have been made regarding the path I am on. For each day I awake in new surroundings, I find words of compassion in my emails. Something I want to share that is simple but brimming of truth is a quote: 

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”― Mahatma Gandhi

These past days of soul-searching I have come to realize the value of this declaration. 

On Sunday, after I had packed the final remnants of mine and Shayla’s belongings, cleaned the entire suite and embedded my tears in the floors, I prepared for an evening of worship. My spiritual well was beyond depleted; I thought it had run down until all that was left were grains of black sand. In getting ready to drive to the Mercyme concert in Abbotsford, I wrapped my hands around the steering wheel and under a veil of darkness, pulled out every last ounce of tears I could muster.  Gazing up, I looked at the pin I have in my vehicle of Shayla, smiling down upon me and the words she use to say flooded me with emotion: “It’s okay to fight…as long as it’s for Someone or Something.” At that moment I knew what she meant…I needed to continue to take hold of my Faith and wrap myself around it! 

Mercyme

During the concert, I had an amazing view and was able to extend my hands upward to the Heavens; where my babygirl resides. I sang- off tune- but did not care. I allowed the tears I had left to fall upon my weary face and I replenished my soul with every song Mercyme performed!  

Shayla Rae Dawn Driver

I prepared myself for the one song that would see a wave of sentiments overwhelm me. “I Can Only Imagine” was played at Shayla’s Celebration of Life. It was also put onto a special tribute CD and given to family and friends. This year, I made a slide show with numerous photographs of my daughter during her life. I then shared it with a select few. As the song began, I closed my eyes and imagined myself reuniting with my beloved daughter, in Heaven. I offered up my grace to God for all of the blessings he has given me since Shayla’s passing. The people I have met as I mourned; those who have released pebbles for my sweet angel and gave tribute to The Heart Pebble Movement. I shared my gratitude to those I have come across- even briefly and for reasons sometimes I can’t explain. Most of all, I left the concert knowing this: A living person may have the energy to hurt another human being, but they cannot strip away the power of that person’s Faith! If death could not break my beliefs, then one mere diminutive individual has failed miserably- for in the end all she nourishes is self-loathing. 

I have survived the greatest loss of my life and will continue to thrive in honouring my daughter. 

I believe, when you walk with devotion, there are no chains where upon the Holy Spirit can be bound. 

This beautiful quote sums up the lessons I have learned from my recent experiences:

“Pain is a sudden hurt that can't be escaped. But then I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing.” ~ C. JoyBell C

By T.L. Alton