Awakenings

“It scares me how hard it is to remember life before you. I can't even make the comparisons anymore, because my memories of that time have all the depth of a photograph. It seems foolish to play games of better and worse. It's simply a matter of is and is no longer.” ~ David Levithan

For me, quotes untangle the tears from my memories and separate the struggles from my journey. In wanting to express about a place of importance, I found this passage that resonates how I am feeling. Every night I go to bed as a broken soul and in the morning I awaken as a new beginning. I dare to believe that by pressing onward, the gloom that waits to inhabit my sorrow will open way, to the joy that wants to take up residence.

While still in McKinley Landing, I was able to meet with Brad Dahl, current President of the McKinley Home Owners Association (MLRA). Prior to our getting together, he had sent me an email, which expressed his condolences and spoke of a proposed memorial bench as a tribute to Shayla. His detailed message full of sincerity also focused on the matter of seeking resolution. Mr. Dahl spoke of his pursuit to see the rest of McKinley Landing Road, eventually repaired to safety standards. I agreed with his mission, as the entire road needs an overhaul, for other spots are dangerous and need to be fixed.

I care about this terrible road, because my daughter, who wanted to change the world, has opened up my eyes. By standing up for what is right; it allows the world to be lifted of the darkness that was December 12, 2011.

Mr. Dahl met up with Shayla’s father, Dave and me at Dewdney Beach Access #1, to show us the proposed location of the memorial bench. He welcomed us to a magnificent spot, where ponderosa pines towered over the sloping area. Being someone who is passionate about trees, I researched the significance about pines. The representation of the pine tree is that it stands for immortality and as a tribute to strong character because it holds up against rough winds.  Additionally, pine trees are deliberately planted in cemeteries because they represent eternal life, and pine cones embody the continuity and renewal of Life. After searching out what they symbolize, I knew this location was meant to be.

As the men chatted, I looked out towards Okanagan Lake, where Shayla had immersed herself into the splendid waters. She had spent many of her years, growing up in McKinley and this extravagant neighborhood had been her playground. Looking at the brilliant vision, I agreed completely with Mr. Dahl’s observation of the breath taking and spectacular views that surrounded where we stood.

As we walked further, he pointed out the newly built stairs that lead to the pristine shoreline. After we had spoke in greater detail about the bench in Shayla’s memory, I thanked Mr. Dahl for all of his efforts and sincerity. I then excused myself as I told them I wanted to be by myself for awhile.

The minute my hand held onto the freshly constructed staircase, it brought me an instant sense of comfort. Once down at the beach, I gazed out to the waters, removing my mask of courage and allowing myself to breath in the sweetness of my pain. For as a grieving mother, there are those I share my tears with and others which never will see a drop. Since I must be strong at times which are deemed by the moments I find myself in; most often, unexpectedly…I find myself withholding my emotions.

I began to stroll along the rocks and looked up, with interest. Suddenly, my attention was drawn to a stone leading to where I was walking along.  It was a lovely shaped heart, whose essence brought me a moment of grace. Continuing onto the right of me was a private dock, where I recalled many photographs of my daughter, sitting, laughing and being a silly teenager. I felt my smile marked with the saltiness of my tears. This release for me saw my eyes close as I imagined Shayla on the pier that creaked with the surging waters. I placed a red jasper heart stone, gleaming and all in its splendor on the wood bench. It is known as the ‘Warrior Stone,’ as it gives strength and courage. What drew me to this polished rock was the wavy ivory vein that runs thru it. This reminds me of the unsteadiness of my own heart, fractured and seeking repair.

After recognizing the need to see where Shayla had made endless memories, I returned back to the shoreline. I found a unique branch from an abandoned piece of driftwood and put my offering in the small branches. It was an extraordinary piece of hematite. Native American folklore states that war paint made from hematite will make one invincible in battle. People in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries wore hematite jewelry during mourning. There was a need to release this indigo pebble into the waters, where I believe Shayla shined in her own legacy; she left behind change to McKinley Landing Road.

My time spent at Dewdney Beach saw a fragment of myself mend as I reacted to the natural elements. It was because of those residents in McKinley like Brad Dahl, Shane Jamieson, Jenn Reid, Pauline Keilty, Bob and Jacqueline Gablehouse, who made me feel the reason of my journey, was well worth being involved.

On the eve of the Candle Light memorial, I mentioned the need to further raise funds and awareness of the bench to honour my babygirl, Shayla Rae Dawn. It is my hope that someday, when I do return to this special location, there will be a place for me to sit and pay tribute to her warrior spirit.

By T L. Alton