It was last autumn that I travelled once again to the
Okanagan, to deal with the changes and safety measures on McKinley Landing
Road. While there, I did not want the trip entirely focused on my daughter’s
passing. I know how much Shayla valued her friendships and so I made prior
arrangements to connect with people, I had not seen since the celebration of
life, in December.
Every time I visit the area, I stay with my former husband
Dave, at his home in McKinley. To put into words what it is like to have to
travel back and forth past the reservoir our daughter passed away in, is to
take the stitching of my wounded heart and unravel it again…repeatedly. Yet,
Dave drives past it on a daily basis- back and forth to work, into the city and
for household supplies. This is where we differ in how we cope in the loss of
Shayla. I shuddered each time coming around that deadly stretch, yet I could
stand at the actual crash site- by myself and stare out on the murky waters-
endlessly. Dave’s choice not too stop anywhere along the road is personal for
him. For me, I believe it is because a mother’s connection to her child in the
womb, keeps a part of her child(ren) safely tucked away within…we search for
the unknown, seeking a response. Where some would never want their feet to
touch the embankment; I have kneeled in the dirt, grabbed a fistful of it in my
trembling hands, closed my eyes and envisioned what may have happened that
terrible day. In one word, I can explain what I am seeking: ANSWERS. Just over
a year later, that has not changed, but my desire to replace the chaos of my
emotions is now geared towards creating peace. Therefore, the continual release
of pebbles helps to balance my yin and yang, in my world altered by one day… it
allows the hurt to escape into elements of nature that bond mother and daughter
together.
One of the
days I was in Kelowna, I made plans to travel with Dave to Kaloya Park in
Oyama, BC.
I was meeting Adrianna, another one of
Shayla’s friends who kept in contact, with me. They had known each other since
High School-around Grade 7 or 8- and developed a connection with one another
that I was told by my daughter, brought a lot of happiness. In October 2011, Shayla
had travelled from Kamloops to Kelowna, to attend Adrianna’s birthday. At the
time, Paul and I were in Hawaii and I recall how upset and worried I felt about
how far away my babygirl was from me. Even though she was a young adult of 21
years, Shayla always ‘checked-in’ with me after a night out, to give me a peace
of mind. Otherwise, I would stare at the numbers on my clock- no matter where-
and fret until I heard from her. When I
received an email from my daughter, I began to laugh as her following words
brought a smile, then warmth to a mother’s heart…
“…
what a fun long weekend and major hangover. Would have definitely been better
if i could have woke up to some nice hawaiian breeze and the sun on my back all day LOL. Well again i can not say it
enough… I miss your voice and random conversations on the phone, cant wait to
hear and see even more pictures and stories. I Love you so much. xoxxo to the
moon and back :)”~ Love Shayla
After Shayla
passed away, I was still on Facebook and spent hours reading her Wall, posts,
and quotes she shared. I found a poem by Adrianna that brought on the tears.
The raw hurt over Shayla’s departure, loss and anguish spilled out and I could
sense the emotions being conveyed. I printed a copy of it out and many times, I
have re-read it. I plan on keeping it as part of the scrapbooks I have started
in Shayla’s memory. When I needed donated artwork for ShaeHarmony, Adrianna
created a brilliant display of emotion with her ability to passionately share
what she felt inside and gifted it to the cause.
Last
September, we finally had the opportunity to meet- along with Dave- our
daughter’s friend to release pebbles. The location held a special link;
especially for us as her parents. When Shayla was little, she was the flower
girl at our wedding that took place in Kaloya Park. Her white dress trimmed in
delicate lace around the waist, upswept hair, complete with parasol is a
poignant snapshot. It is also a photo that brings me heartache knowing that is
the closest image I will ever have of my daughter wearing white.
While a large quantity of pebbles have been immersed in a
direct source of water, others have uniquely been set into things. Her father
found the willow tree our daughter had spent many hot summers, swinging off the
overhanging branches and dropping into the water. Their choice was a nice
surprise…they each placed in different areas of the weeping willow Shayla
loved, their pebbles in her memory. Dave put his inside a natural hole opening
in the trunk. We listened with much delight as it bounced off the inside of the
willow and into the water that nourished the tree. Next, Adrianna set hers into
another hole, but the size did not quite match up with the pebble and it became
forever lodged in this space. This seemed appropriate as the once protruding branch
Shayla swung from had been cut off for safety reasons…now in its place was a
pebble connected with the tree.
Willows are fond
of water, with their symbolism rooted in creativity and insight. As a healing tree, its name literally means “convolution,”
as a complexity of energies are linked with it. These types of trees kindle restoration
of the whole being and are the essence of renewal.
As someone
who believes in nature; I look farther beyond the portrait of life. I am open
to exploration of how things are connected to both my daughter and I.
Sometimes, the signs are clear and no further research is needed. Other times
the messages I get are much like a closed water lily… which needs nourishment and
radiance to reveal its layers of beauty, contained within. I accept as true the
subtle hints, the twists of fate that have worked loose any uncertainty. No one
has to prove to me the existence of Heaven, for I know where my babygirl went
on December 12, 2011 and the messages of importance left behind in her place. In
my study of the willow tree, I discovered the key to being wide open to its potential
is to always trust your own inner intuition. The pebbles we left behind are
little treasures; a reminder of the ties that bind and the ones that connect us
to our loved ones…even in death.
