Gratitude

"Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, and drink the wild air..."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

 I wanted to show my gratitude to those who have shared in The Heart Pebble Movement. Along with those who have stood by me throughout the most tragic loss in my life, this 60^th blog posting contains some of the sentiments that I have been blessed with, for me and for Shayla. Many of you I have known for a long time, while some of you only came into my life as a result of my daughter’s passing. In our lives, we are all affected by grief, loss and death. What has mattered to me-someone who does not have immediate family- are the roots which bind me to each of you. They are forged in the knowledge... that I have not walked in the darkest shadows, unaccompanied. Rather I have had the warm embrace from those I call my friends. ~ T.L. Alton 

 

Rest In Peace Beautiful Shayla! You are loved and missed by so many people. I especially know how much your Momma Tonya and Dad Dave Love and Miss You! They're Wonderful people,  and I know you're watching over them!! Your Momma talks about you all the time like you're an Angel! And she always talks about the Precious Memories she's had with You and the Beautiful Person you turned into!! You're Momma has shared lots of Stories about You with me and her and I have several Memories of her sharing Your Stories! ;) Including standing in the parking lot of Shoppers Drug Mart for two hours as your Mom shares Amazing times she had with You, as there were some laughs and some tears! Shayla, You are loved by so many people! You left a Beautiful Imprint in this World!! May your Beautiful Soul Always Shine! With Love, Mindy XOXOXOX

 Shayla, we never met, yet I feel like I know you. I know your mom and she continues to keep your memory alive, so that you can keep touching people`s lives. Your spirit is with us, all around, your presence is strong. You are missed. ~Amanda

Oh Tonya, What a beautiful story.  Thank you for sharing it with me. I wish I could miraculously make all your pain and grief go away. I want you to know that I admire you a million times over. You have been so kind and thinking of others even while going through such sadness. Thank you for being my friend. Love TJ

 My dear Friend Tonya: I know we met through the most horrible of circumstances, but I’m so glad we met. Being a part of the “Pebble Movement” is awesome. Already a pebble in Morro Bay and Vegas, now for the Yukon and another beach in California! ! ~ Love Your Friend Katherine

 I honestly love the heart pebble movement!! Its meaning is indescribable!! Thank u so much for sharing your blog!! Xox  ~ Michelle

 Thx for sharing your newest addition to your blog. It is very beautiful and inspirational. I love that photo of Shayla!!!!!!! You have come so far in a short amount of time. I am so happy to hear you are writing again.~ Jenn

    When I started thinking about Shayla after you left it all came to me, I remember her as a fun loving, outgoing, beautiful young lady. I remember Shayla with her friends coming into central rez quite often. They would come to our events that we would hold, and she was always very involved. Shayla was a very bubbly young lady and I had a few nice conversations with her that I will now cherish forever. I can’t imagine how proud Shayla must be of you, I am sure she is watching you from above and smiling at the legacy you are continuing for her.  I live with knowing that she is somewhere happy and healthy and watching over us. She is our Angel! ~ Tammy

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

― Melody Beattie

 Tonya, the more we write to each other, the more I am absolutely in awe of all that you do. I cannot even a tiny little bit imagine what it is like to lose a child and yet, you can freely share with others about your loss and the incredible things you have done in honour of Shayla. I love that quote you shared - it is so true!!! You are such an inspiration, it is beyond words for me to express just how much of an inspiration you are to me and I can guarantee to others!!! ~Debbie 

 

Today you radiated more beauty than yesterday, the beauty of a woman. Don't let anyone (even yourself) ever tell you any differently! Xo ~ Sarah 

 

Thank you so much for sharing Tonya – and for directing people to the One Crash is Too Many site - you have a way with words. ~ Terri

A Promise to be Brave

“Sometimes I catch a glimpse, in softened waves of blue…My child, my heart…when I see a smile, I can’t help but think of you…”

~ Michelle Wells 

Throughout our lives, we encounter people who will be a solid rock, standing by us no matter what may come our way. Then there are others, who much like a rolling stone, have a brief impact in our world, then carry on. Sometimes, in a rare matter of circumstance, you are fortunate enough to have made friends with someone, who crosses back and forth into your life. Much like the ebb tides of the ocean which polish the pebbles, these people can walk in as if they have never left. This blog is dedicated to such a person, I call my friend. 

Growing up in the Shuswap was never easy for me. I was the ugly duckling…braces, thick rimmed glasses, a boy’s haircut and hand me downs, cemented me in the vulnerable position to be bullied. I always thought-“if only I was beautiful like…” 

When Shayla was born, with sterling grey eyes, raven hair and the smile of an angel, I assumed things would be different for her. I was appalled to piece together the findings that from the time of kindergarten to her 2^nd year of University, she had been bullied- relentlessly. To my dismay, I would later learn that Shayla’s cries for help and going to the proper authorities fell on deaf ears. After she passed away, I spent months reading the continual entries in her journals. As her mother, I wept over the insufferable pain she endured. Yet, if you were to view the thousands of pictures at any given moment in her life, she was ALWAYS smiling! The courage she had was unwavering and after her passing, I heard how Shayla stood up for others who were also being bullied and tormented. My daughter had a wicked sense of humor and she ‘used’ it against her rivals to the point where they believed she was actually “okay” with getting belittled. Her mask was forged in ridicule and yet she continued to stay strong, in the face of adversity. I found it ironic that when she died, some of those ‘claiming’ to be her friend were dense to think I believed them. I had Shayla’s own words of anguish written over hundreds of pages. It is shameful when my daughter departed this world; there were some who continued to be encrusted by deceit. As much as I wanted to set the record straight, I knew that letting them wallow in their own misery was suffice. 

As I tried to come to terms with her passing, I had someone re- connect with me. When I least expected it…someone walked back into my life in such a profound way, I embraced the joy they brought with them. 

Sara Bareilles - Brave (Lyric Video)    http://youtu.be/xwTr_CRw3GY

Back in Salmon Arm, I grew up with a girl named Michelle. I wanted her gorgeous toffee – perfectly styled locks of hair. Her beautiful smile would make a picture frame fill with envy, while her eyes were stunning. Years later, when she gave birth to twin girls- they were fortunate to inherit their mother’s model features. I share this, as Michelle was the girl that many others wanted to be.

We were friends for many years and had gone through the usual tribulations of friendships; including the complexity of our own relationships with men. While some of our partners may not have been ideal father figures, we would be blessed with four daughters- Michelle having three and me with one. I did not realize it back then, but someday the loving bond of motherhood would bring us once again together.

Over time, we had lost touch and reconnected briefly on Facebook. Due to a misunderstanding, I parted ways with her. Eventually, my consternation with Facebook, led me to deactivate my account.

Last December, I was staying in McKinley Landing, while I planned the first year marking of Shayla’s death with a Candle Light Vigil. I travelled to Salmon Arm to stay with an old friend of mine. She was connected to Facebook and had uploaded the memorial information, I had provided her with. She told me that a message had been sent from Michelle, who had not known my daughter had passed away. In a terrible twist of circumstances, she was finding out for the first time on Facebook, that Shayla had died! Michelle asked if she could attend the vigil and later we met in Lake Country…for the first time in years. 

 

We spoke for awhile; then I caught a ride back to Shayla’s father’s house in McKinley. Michelle had a single red rose she would later place at the granite memorial. It was a challenging situation to be put together and in such a way that was forged in the death of my daughter. I felt bad for my friend, who had just heard the terrible news, while the rest of us had known for a year. 

 During the vigil, I looked at Michelle, grieving along with me and took comfort in knowing she cared. Since reuniting, we have been in contact- every few days sharing messages. 

It was some time after, when I received a beautiful card in the mail. The quote on the front expressed how I will always view my babygirl. Inside, was the familiar handwriting of Michelle and a poem she had composed dedicated to me as a grieving mother; the words tugged at my heart. At the bottom, she had written: When I saw this card, I thought of Shayla… ‘A rare precious stone, one of a kind.’ This thoughtful kind expression is in my office; a hug from across the miles that separate us. 

 Recently, I received several extraordinary images of a pebble being released. Michelle and her husband, Chris had travelled to Quebec. During their stay, they participated in The Heart Pebble Movement.

The location of their release was Parc de la Chute-Montmorency – Montmorency Falls, the second most viewed site after Old Quebec. The soaring 275-foot falls on the Montmorency River are elevated more than the renowned Niagara Falls.

In sharing her brilliant photos, Michelle wrote: I remember how much you said Shayla liked the ocean and as no other river in the world discharges more water into the Atlantic Ocean, thought no better place than this to place a pebble for Shayla!!

 I am full of gratitude for my friend to be one of over 245 people who have released pebbles for Shayla. Her dedication to the cause and us has brought much happiness back to me. Since reconnecting and in sharing our experiences, I have found the young girl I admired, has not had an easy passage in life. I realized this meant that both of us are remarkable woman for the challenges we have endured.

The beauty I sought after in Michelle, years ago, has been traded for something far more precious…

Much like the movements of the pebbles, whose journey is unknown, our friendship has evolved over time, indefinitely. For my friend may not understand my immeasurable loss; but she dares to reflect the light filtered through the darkness of losing a child.

 By T.L. Alton 

“The Most memorable people in life will be the friends who loved you when you weren’t very lovable.”

An Ounce of Prevention

“Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.” 

 ~Author Unknown

In my opinion, a car crash that is the result of speed, driver distraction, impairment or texting, means a motor vehicle became a loaded weapon, which resulted in tragic loss(es). Never can one ‘accident’ be compared to another as to do so is to diminish each life that was taken. This is something I have learned on the journey as a bereavement parent. Every story is bittersweet, from mothers who offers precious recollections in one breath and intertwines it with vivid memories of what the twisted wreckage looked like. This jagged parallel has formed around the broken hearts of many whose child(ren) were taken far too soon.

Lately, my world has been connected with those who have been directly affected by impaired drivers. Through several phone calls and emails, I was put in touch with Markita Kaulius, who formed a group, with her husband Victor, called Families For Justice after the death of their 22-year-old daughter Kassandra Kaulius. In May 2011, Kassandra was killed when her car was hit by an impaired driver. Since her passing, Markita has been involved in numerous events aimed at prevention, awareness and campaigning for changes that would see stricter laws for those who chose to place themselves behind the wheel, while impaired. One of the events organized by the Kaulius family and Families for Justice was - “Remembering Someone Special.”  In November 2012, a collection of more than 1,800 pairs of shoes was put on display outside Surrey provincial court-Each pair of shoes represented people who have been killed here in Canada. 
 
Families For Justice group can be found on Face book, if anyone would like to add their name on their Petition for tougher sentences, for anyone convicted of impaired driving causing a death. Download a copy of the Petition and ask your friends and family to sign it and return it to Families For Justice. Their mailing address is on the Petition.

After speaking with Markita, I felt I had gained further insight to another side of loss…one in which an impaired person chose to use their vehicle as a weapon of destruction against an innocent person.

According to a report released in January 2013 by Statistics Canada- although the drunk driving rate dropped in Ontario and Quebec- the rate in B.C. has risen by 49 per cent since 2001.

On the weekend, I attended a Cancer Fundraiser event called: “Gone Country.” While the usual food vendors, beer gardens and performers were there, I was introduced to something I had not seen. It is known as Canadian Breath Analyzer Unit. Wrapped up in the concept is the promotion of the establishment it is set up in, education on how to use it and prevention- in making drinkers aware what their Blood Alcohol Content (B.A.C) is; whether or not it is safe to drive. I was given an easy instruction of the operating system by Sean and Bethany. Shortly after, I witnessed myself, two patrons who had been drinking- utilize the unit. I was impressed with the concept and the accuracy of these units. I would like it to be mandatory at all events, weddings, festivals, birthdays and Christmas parties -not simply an option.

For further information, please click on the following link:

Canadian Breath Analyzer Company

~ “Have the time of your life because we’ve got your B.A.C.”

www.cbacompany.ca

1-855-546-9192 

My grieving path has also led me to another site, where uploading and posting, made my despair come out full force. No mother, parent or loved one should have to pick a photograph and write a sentiment about the death of their child. Yet, that is exactly what I felt compelled to do…to continue sharing the loss of my sweet angel, Shayla Rae Dawn Driver. I have been immersed in this bereaved role for over a year and a half and yet as I read the many tributes on-line, the crevices on my face were sullied once again with tears of suffering.

I offer this link as a way of others to post and share a tribute. These websites are not endorsements as I only gain the satisfaction of awareness to others.

National Day of Remembrance for Road Crash Victims – November 30, 2013

We invite you to create a tribute to someone you've lost or whose life has been forever changed as the result of a tragedy on the road.

http://ccmta.ca/remember_souvenez-vous/tribute.php

  

My favourites ‘saved’ on my computer now consist of organizations connected to road safety, bereaved parents and endless quotes and images on loss. So far, I have managed to wade myself through a mired process of grief and garner strength from every corner of the world- where a treasured pebble is placed for my daughter. I know now that I am changed forever by this tragedy. Still unknown though is what lies before me… but with each footstep taken; I am gradually letting the sacred memories of Shayla, replace what death brought to my door.

By T.L. Alton