Infinity and Beyond

Over the course of three years, pebbles released have been stone seeds of my daughter’s legacy, making ripples all over this world. With every tapestry of story unraveling at my fingertips- my disjointed heart was slowly repaired from the wounds encountered- on a December day. When my lips could not transmit the sorrow, I let my hands connect with the keyboard- sharing with the world what the movement symbolizes to me- HOPE.

After sharing the 12^th with my forever friend Judy, she sent me a message dipped in her love. 

I LIVED more in that day than I have in a VERY long TIME and I THANK YOU for that!!!

Over the past year, as we have strengthened our bond; I give praise for the scars that I do not have to hide from her.  Judy is someone who when I turned to see my darkest shadows, her friendship sheltered me from many a storm. 

The day after we parted on December 13^th, I had significant plans. Yet, I have come to be acquainted with the unknown, which brings light to my obscurity. Revealing itself in ways that fills my soul with grace-this Sunday would be one to remember. 

Driving back from the hotel, I recalled Judy and I talking of our daughter’s love for Denny’s. In my reel of memories, I am reminded of late night trips to eat high calorie foods, weird combinations and have chats with Shayla at the local restaurant. There was always one constant factor as we indulged in deep fried foods and desserts layered with mounds of whipped crème…laughter was always shared! We use to make up light-hearted stories of the patrons who came and went. Like pieces of confetti, we spun various colourful tales, which amused us.  

Now, travelling down the road, I turned my vehicle into the Denny’s parking lot. I was famished and needing food before I embarked on the next part of my day. I sat down and was given a menu, which when I opened it, an enormous smile came across my face. 

Growing up, one of Shayla’s treasured Christmas cartoon was “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.”  One year, I bought a plush toy of her favourite character- Bumble, The Abominable Snow Monster of the North.  She cried and was overjoyed with glee over her present…it was wonderful to see given my daughter was 18 years old and such a kid at heart.

As I sat in my booth at Denny’s, I looked at the menu to see them featuring special Rudolph pancakes. I knew that would be my meal.

When the waitress approached, I thought of how Lindsay also loved to go to Denny’s with her mom, Judy. I wished we had the time to share in a meal, but both of us had prior commitments, which connected us further that evening. Looking up, I was greeted by a friendly waitress who welcomed me by saying:

“Hi! My name is Lindsay and I will be serving you today!” 

She could tell by the surprised look on my face that I was caught off-guard. I knew I had to share with her the significance of the moment. After telling her about Lindsay, she shared that her mother had a similar experience at a different restaurant, after the passing of a loved one. When asked if I could take her photograph to share both with Judy and on my blog, she happily obliged. 

 

When I left after finishing my meal, I felt Judy and my paths were ignited by our daughter’s love, far beyond the clouds.

Once I was back at the home I stay at, I gathered the angelic pair of earrings gifted to me by my dear friend Lilian. When the light catches them they sparkle. I have worn them on many occasions yet as I put them on, it was to honour the woman I would be wrapping gifts for later. 

It turned out to be a lovely day, with me deciding to re-visit Lindsay’s grave site, on my own. 

 

I went back to the same Thirty’s grocery store, Judy and I had been. Remembering about her daughter’s favourite colour, I found a blue rose with silver sparkles.  

As the sun’s rays led my car along the winding road, I marvelled in the vast area of the cemetery. Since I am challenged with directions, I had little hope of finding it, when I realized I was right at the corner where her plaque is. Now in the brightness of daylight, I was able to organize our flowers from the previous night and add the rose I had for her. Standing over Lindsay’s plaque, I thanked her for bringing an emblem of love and friendship into my life through her mother, Judy. I asked if she could tell Shayla I send my love and that I am at peace- knowing she is not alone in Heaven- now she has a big sister with her. It struck me how phenomenal it was that I was at a young girl’s grave, which I had never met- yet felt so much love for. I gave Judy my word I would return and my promise was kept, with future visits planned. 

Earlier in the week, I had received an email invite to a Christmas Giving Event put on by yoUnlimited.com   I have attended a previous author`s reading and marvelled at all the heart and passion, which goes into everything they put together. 

I had been gifted by my wonderful friend Terry Stofer, four heaping bags for my Christmas day plans of handing out gifts to those in need. I decided to gather one bag for this event to be given to a local woman’s transition house. 

It was before departing, that I checked the full email and saw the name of where donations were going to: “Harrison Place.”  This had profound meaning to me-as the baby that Shayla had come to visit when she passed away- was her nephew Harrison. One of the last pictures taken I have of my daughter alive, is her bending over Harrison as she is smiling. It was the next day, my daughter died in her car accident. Harrison Place also resonates within me and the abuse I have experienced in previous relationships.

Here is a full description:

Harrison Place |Supportive, transitional housing for single women aged 45 to 65 who have left abusive relationships. 22 affordable one-bedroom suites where women can stay for up to three years.  Harrison Place supports residents in becoming independent and self-reliant, through counselling support, activities and life skills training. S.A.F.E. (Self-sufficiency and Assets through Financial Education) Program provides life goal setting, critical financial education, and a safety net for women living in our supported housing.

For more information about Harrison Place please call 250 385-2103.

Once at the yoUnlimited event, I was enveloped by the energy of those gathered, to share gifts with those overcoming adversity. 

When speaking with Carolyne Taylor, who is described as a communitarian on her site, I expressed why I was taking part in this giving event.  I let my emotions convey the streamlining of love for my daughter Shayla and her own golden heart of helping others. Carolyne listened with compassion and after, she gifted me a copy of a book, written by Ginny Dennehy with Shelley Fralic. It is called, “Choosing Hope.”

At the time, I did not know of any connection to Ginny’s story, until later when I began to read the back and read of the Kelty Patrick Dennehy Foundation- which was created to maintain her children’s legacy. Given my own personal journey with mental health and wellness, as well as being an advocate- it was as if an invisible pebble had been dropped into the ocean, when I received this book. The ripples of survival, are reminders of others imparting their own stories, of inspiration onto me.

As we finished wrapping gifts, I looked around at the vibrant Gerbera daisies- Shayla’s cherished flower. A wave of mercy washed over me, as I reflected on the time I had spent with others.

That evening, at Cordova Bay United Church, I attended another gathering- the Annual Candle lighting Memorial Service, put on by The Compassionate Friends (TFC) of Canada in Victoria. Judy had to leave the morning of the 13th back to Campbell River, as she is part of TCF chapter there. 

 

I brought a picture of Shayla when she was younger, gazing upwards to heaven with such a peaceful look upon her.  There were several music selections including beautiful renditions of Over the Rainbow, and Goodnight my Angel, while poems from loved ones left behind, were read.

One by one, we stood with the candles given to us, walking up and lighting them in the names of those who had come to pass. As I stood with my flickering light, I let my voice carry the names I ignited the flame for…my darling daughter Shayla, my forever friend Judy’s daughter, Lindsay and in remembrance of my Uncle Steve, who had passed away this year only a few days earlier. 

At one point, we were asked to blow out our candle and I did not have to. Mine went out by itself and instead of shedding tears, it instilled in me the spark of Shayla, has been reassigned directly into my own scarred heart. A transformation has occurred in my anguish, where time is no longer frozen to December 12^th. My spirit sees me connected to my babygirl- as I have wiped death’s grim reminders from the compartments of my mind and replaced it with the presence of a life- lived to its fullest. While I dream of the other side, it is what awaits me- a Heavenly Paradise - that has me fill my well with faith. This is what Shayla would wish for her momma. ACCEPTANCE.

It is imperative to note just because I have accepted her death, it does not mean I have forgotten it. This year, what helped immensely in addition to Judy's presence, was the ongoing support of those who texted, emailed me and even called on this 4^th year of remembrance. Knowing my own heart, if it was the reverse, I would never overlook reaching out to others. 

For me, the simple words of:

“I am thinking of you” actually is felt as:

“I am not forgetting the worst day of your life or the death of your child.”

Time may heal, but it never erases what occurred.

After The Compassionate Friends Memorial Service concluded, people gathered for refreshments and goodies. It was a time to speak openly of those we continue to love. We shared about the child (ren) taken far too soon, yet also of their brilliant legacies left behind.

Later, I read a poem in a little book given to me, called...
“May an Angel Watch Over You.”

~ Douglas Pagels.

I hope you will be touched by kindness, inspired by wisdom, graced with understanding and kept safe from harm. I hope you have a charmed life and that your heart will always be an open window to deep and lasting joys. And I pray that you will always have an angel watching over you…there to trace on your wonderful face, a smile that you can keep forever.

For me- every memory collected over my grieving journey has brought me to this point- a long way from where I began. 

By TL Alton

Seekers of Life

Hands… put your empty hands in mine

And scars, show me all the scars you hide

And hey, if your wings are broken

Please take mine so yours can open too

'Cause I'm gonna stand by you

Oh tears… make kaleidoscopes in your eyes

And hurt, I know you're hurting, but so am I

And love, if your wings are broken

Borrow mine so yours can open too

'Cause I'm gonna stand by you…

Song- Stand By You -Writer ~ Rachel Platten- Video Link:  
https://youtu.be/-urmcz2RSwI

There are people whose paths cross with yours and a spark ignites in such a profound way that feels like you have either known them your whole life or in a previous existence. This is the friendship I share with Judy Dowd. 

Last year, I spent my first Christmas in Victoria on the streets…not as a homeless person, but by placing myself in the shoes of others in need, I found my meaning of Christmas in the people I encountered. I had made snowman goodie bags teeming with fine chocolates and treats. While handing them out, I was wearing a pin with my daughter’s picture in it. Shayla’s passion for those less fortunate saw her wanting to help others. With that pin, I felt as if a piece of her was with and guiding me, as I gave from my own broken heart. 

Afterwards, I had plans to go see the movie “Unbroken” and being new to the area, I ended up at a different theatre, than originally planned. Standing in line was Judy and her husband Marc. They were from Campbell River. Later, the purpose of their visit would align with mine, in a heavenly way. Judy also had plans with Marc to go to another theatre location to watch “Unbroken”, but ended up with me standing beside them.

Upon seeing my pin, Judy asked about it and I told her about Shayla. Once in the cinema, we sat together waiting for the film to begin. As we talked, I felt like I had just reunited with a close friend. Judy openly shared about the death of her daughter, Lindsay. Both our girls had died young- at the same age- 21 years.

With the waves of grief, we spoke from our tender hearts of the tremendous losses we both had endured. When I shared with Judy the day of Shayla’s passing- December 12^th, I could see she was affected by this. Judy then confided Lindsay’s birthday was the same date- December 12^th. It was then, I found out the purpose of her visit- she had visited her daughter’s grave site in Victoria.  When I confided in me giving out goodies bags to the homeless- there was another extraordinary connection between us- with those on the streets. 

After the movie ended, we walked together to the end of the street, exchanging information and promising to keep in touch. Little did I know that many things would parallel in our lives- in such a way- which defies reasoning.

Soon after our initial encounter, emails were being sent back and forth to one another. For me, Judy’s friendship brings me acceptance with myself; that despite my own quirks, I am able to flourish in ways that sees my rainbow shine! 

Through my correspondence with her, Judy soon discovered the writer within me as stories of past and present were exchanged. It was through my revelations of the suffering I have encountered; where she was also shown the inner light that flickers within my soul. 

This spring I received a box full of blessings and one of them was a shimmering dragonfly ornament! Judy had no idea I use to collect all things to do with dragonflies. As our friendship developed in layers of sharing, we grew closer… even though distance kept us apart.

On December 12^th of this year, I was unsure of what I wanted to do in remembrance of Shayla. Judy called and offered to drive from Campbell River where she lives and share the day with us staying in a local hotel. I was taken aback at her never ending generosity and welcomed the chance to see her again. What unfolded over the next 48 hours was wrapped up in the hearts of our daughter’s love for us.

On that day, we were to meet up at a local mall. Not realizing how much I had to do that morning, I finally arrived at the madness of the mall- where my dear friend had to wait for me a lengthy time. As I had just finished a 2 week house and pet sitting position, poor Judy had enough of the shopping mayhem going on. The whirl inside of the mall was no match for the windstorm warning that was in effect for the Island. After braving sheets of pounding rain, pools of flooding water and blasts of wind…we made our way to my vehicle.

I took Judy back to where I live- for right now, with wonderful friends of mine. The past year battling health issues and my former living arrangements, I was wiped out from all of the stress I had been put through. When I showed her the festive beauty of the small Christmas tree my friend Lilian had placed in the loft, we admired the pearl and gold butterfly, placed as the tree angel. Since being placed there, the tree has seen me place special ornaments, which brings joy to my heart.

As we were on borrowed time and the weather was not cooperating, we set out on going to Lindsay’s grave site. As this is a sacred place for Judy to visit, I was deeply touched when she had invited me to come along with her. Not only was the miserable storm outside bad timing, but the clock read 6 pm. We had not eaten nor had we even checked into our hotel. After receiving directions, we ventured on our way.

As we drove along a winding, soaked road, we seemed to be drawing further into the forest. Suddenly, a flagger appeared with a sign that the road we needed to be on was closed. Perplexed as to what we should do, I drove down a side road throwing us off track and by the time I turned around, the road was re-opened.

Stopping in at the local Thrifty’s, we picked up a lovely bouquet, along with the purple carnations I decided to get. Judy usually released balloons- but with the storm whirling outside and pelting rain, she decided not to. We agreed that we were on an adventure our girls would have planned. Nearing the cemetery, we arrived and saw the sign that it closed at 4:30. I felt my heart sink for a moment as did Judy’s, until we came to the gates which were open for us. For those who have ever visited a cemetery- there are reasons for coming during the day!

It was amazing that we found Lindsay’s grave site and as we found our way to the very spot, we were getting drenched! We needed to see our way, so we flipped on our cell phone flashlights. As we stood over Judy’s daughter plaque, my phone suddenly started to flash a message… we were bursting into fits of laughter as my cell said: “Congratulations! You have won an IPAD 6 phone!” The timing saw both Judy and I, overcome with amusement.

A few minutes later, a poignant moment followed with her placing the bouquet and saying loving words between mother and daughter. Judy asked that I sometime come back to Lindsay’s grave site and I promised to. 

One more stop, found us at beer and wine store, where a wonderful customer clerk provided exceptional service and recommendations, after we shared about the significance of the day. She suggested a wine with sayings on the label- given Shayla along with Lindsay had a wicked sense of humour- we settled on the following bottle. 

Later, we embarked on another epic quest when we tried to check in at our hotel. I will share that the General Manager later graciously resolved any concerns we had encountered. Once we were finally inside our room, we turned and pondered the complexity of the artwork displayed on the wall. Our merriment was followed by more laughter, sharing and stories of our beloved girls.

As the evening progressed we decided to eat at The Keg (a favourite place of Lindsay and Shayla’s). As we indulged in our meals, more chronicles of our lives unfolded. Emerging through our words were the formations of who are daughters were and what they stood up for.  I was struck by the constant similarities between one another.  Both girls were strong willed and questioned authority on many levels. I reveled in hearing Judy's accounts of Lindsay ' s bible filled with personal seeking, as it reminded me of Shayla attending three different churches, before her passing. They also had their own sense of style- with a flair that made them unique as the soul that embodied them. In sharing our tales, we found an intricate bond between our daughters, who had brought us together.

Returning to our room we decided to have a toast to our seekers of life. What they gave back to the world in such a short time remains part of their legacies.  Both Lindsay and Shayla had golden hearts and a way of giving to others, which left many in awe, of their compassion. 

Afterwards, Judy and I had a gift exchange. Since it was the day of Lindsay’s birthday, I gave an angel wings ornament. 

To commemorate our friendship, I presented Judy with a decoration that had Kindred Spirits of Friendship on it. When it came time to receive Judy’s gift I was emotional as again she had bought me something I was coupled to. Every year for Christmas Shayla would buy me a snowman ornament that lit up. I have a treasured collection that brings back memories of how my daughter was the essence of giving. Without knowing, Judy gifted me a delightful snowman that lights up- with the words “Forever Friends.” 

 

That night, we had filled more than the passage of time. As we stayed awake until past 3 am, two mothers remembering our daughters, Judy and I poured back into our fragile hearts, a deluge of memories that bound us together…past our grief. Through our love and devotion to our girls- we breathed life again into who they were- while on this earth for 21 years.

It was later when I realized on the fourth anniversary marking the death of my child, that I had not shed tears, nor was I on my knees at the frozen reservoir where she perished. My grief has evolved to a place where I see Shayla alive in my thoughts and no longer envisioning the last time I saw her at the hospital. After all this time, my laughter found its way back into my lungs and I could think about the way she lived and not how she died.

Several matters of the heart took place in order for this to happen… I have never wavered on my faith, I immersed myself into the GriefShare Program and I let myself be lead to the pathway of my cherished friend Judy, who I now call my Soul Sister. 

There would be more to unfold the next day- miracle moments revealed that unite me to this woman- who understands my loss, as she has walked in the footsteps as a grieving mother.

Once back home, Judy sent me a message that sums it all up for me:
“I’m imagining the girls dancing in Heaven because we met and we enjoyed each others company and we became even closer. I can’t believe it that we’ve only met twice and yet I feel like you’re my long lost sister and I have been searching for you for years.”

For me, I felt a pull to this Island for a decade…I never wanted someone to walk in front of me as I trailed behind…I wanted someone to be by my side in ways no one else ever could. The happiness I sought in my life was to give the love I have abundance of and in return to feel complete with the roots of family. Judy Dowd is the sister I yearned for- who because of the battles I have faced, she values the life I have lived and believes in me. 

If our daughters had not passed away, we would never have come to know one another. We both admit in a heartbeat, if we could have our girls back, we would. Yet despite our tragedies, an opening in Heaven took place when Lindsay and Shayla requested one of those ‘miracle moments’ to occur and two bereaved mothers met on Christmas Day, giving us the beautiful gift of friendship that remains.

By TL Alton

Gratitude is a Healer

Plato believed that every soul has a companion star it returns to after the death of a loved one, if you lived a moral life. ~ Age of Adeline

1460.97 Days without you. A thousand tears fallen from my eyes. Hundreds of prayers said. Endless screams at the water… You died and I was left behind. 
Yet, we have come a long way- A bond that has never been broken. A ricochet of love that was forged in my womb. You died… but I have Survived. 

Your legacy carries on. I see you on the sands of Las Caletas . Your spirit lives upon the mysterious ruins of Machu Picchu. In a pond outside of Hertfordshire, you play. In the firmament on the Island of Maui, you are a butterfly. In the cultural diversity of the Yukon, dancing amongst the flares of Northern Lights- is the essence of who you are. There are no boundaries for you. Though your soul went up to the Heavenly Father on December 12, 2011, the pebbles are pieces of who you were- on this earth. I see you in a sea cave in Portugal or amongst the waters of Cape Town. Your memory lives on in the bench that bares your name, where I can sit… close my eyes and see you dancing freely. I saw you this summer, in the eyes of a deer standing in front of me, under the slivers of the moon. Later, I envisioned you in the Perseid meteor showers radiance, as I gazed heavenwards.

 

On December 12^th, 2011, I had a Police Officer tell me you died. Yet four years later, I have never felt you more alive- in the cause created to honour who you were and what you stood for. When I have felt my heart wearing thin, you whisper in God’s ear, “Please tell my momma that I returned home as your Daughter and one day we will be reunited in Peace.”

I Can only Imagine. 

When words are not enough, my testimony of Faith has seen me take solace- knowing that our lives carry on in ways- only possible thru Our Creator. 

Over the years, the signs I have received have been “Miracle Moments”… where God has planted them in my life, to help ease the deep ache of my loved one’s passing. It is His way of reminding me of what my babygirl and I shared together. 

This summer saw a shift in the realms of me dealing with death. Through the GriefShare course I have facilitated for 12 weeks, I have come to see the funeral of death itself, take place. I have risen from my lamenting and stopped entertaining what I have lost. “If you lose something, you don’t know where it is-I know where my beloved Shayla is- in paradise, waiting to someday be reunited with me. 

The veil of my bereavement between Heaven and earth has been removed by the Lord. Since this has occurred, I have been granted assurance that although my heart won’t ever be the same, it is no longer shattered into a million pieces. I now recall the 21 years you lived- not solely the day you met your maker. 

1460.97 Days without you. I no longer fear this day. I endure the heartache. I break free of the images forever caught in time. You are not the lifeless body on a stretcher. You are in every corner of this world. This experience does not define me. What does, are the stories written from the hands that once held you. 

By TL Alton