Over the
course of three years, pebbles released have been stone seeds of my daughter’s
legacy, making ripples all over this world. With every tapestry of story unraveling at my fingertips- my disjointed heart was slowly repaired from the
wounds encountered- on a December day. When my lips could not transmit the
sorrow, I let my hands connect with the keyboard- sharing with the world what
the movement symbolizes to me- HOPE.
After
sharing the 12th with my forever friend Judy, she sent me a message
dipped in her love.
I LIVED more in that
day than I have in a VERY long TIME and I THANK YOU for that!!!
Over the
past year, as we have strengthened our bond; I give praise for the scars that I
do not have to hide from her. Judy is
someone who when I turned to see my darkest shadows, her friendship sheltered
me from many a storm.
The day
after we parted on December 13th, I had significant plans. Yet, I
have come to be acquainted with the unknown, which brings light to my
obscurity. Revealing itself in ways that fills my soul with grace-this Sunday
would be one to remember.
Driving back
from the hotel, I recalled Judy and I talking of our daughter’s love for
Denny’s. In my reel of memories, I am reminded of late night trips to eat high
calorie foods, weird combinations and have chats with Shayla at the local
restaurant. There was always one constant factor as we indulged in deep fried
foods and desserts layered with mounds of whipped crème…laughter was always
shared! We use to make up light-hearted stories of the patrons who came and
went. Like pieces of confetti, we spun various colourful tales, which amused
us.
Now, travelling
down the road, I turned my vehicle into the Denny’s parking lot. I was famished
and needing food before I embarked on the next part of my day. I sat down and was
given a menu, which when I opened it, an enormous smile came across my face.
As I sat in
my booth at Denny’s, I looked at the menu to see them featuring special Rudolph
pancakes. I knew that would be my meal.
When the
waitress approached, I thought of how Lindsay also loved to go to Denny’s with
her mom, Judy. I wished we had the time to share in a meal, but both of us had
prior commitments, which connected us further that evening. Looking up, I was
greeted by a friendly waitress who welcomed me by saying:
“Hi! My name
is Lindsay and I will be serving you today!”
She could
tell by the surprised look on my face that I was caught off-guard. I knew I had
to share with her the significance of the moment. After telling her about
Lindsay, she shared that her mother had a similar experience at a different
restaurant, after the passing of a loved one. When asked if I could take her
photograph to share both with Judy and on my blog, she happily obliged.
When I left
after finishing my meal, I felt Judy and my paths were ignited by our
daughter’s love, far beyond the clouds.
Once I was
back at the home I stay at, I gathered the angelic pair of earrings gifted to
me by my dear friend Lilian. When the light catches them they sparkle. I have
worn them on many occasions yet as I put them on, it was to honour the woman I
would be wrapping gifts for later.
It turned
out to be a lovely day, with me deciding to re-visit Lindsay’s grave site, on
my own.
I went back
to the same Thirty’s grocery store, Judy and I had been. Remembering about her
daughter’s favourite colour, I found a blue rose with silver sparkles.
As the sun’s rays led my car along the winding
road, I marvelled in the vast area of the cemetery. Since I am challenged with
directions, I had little hope of finding it, when I realized I was right at the
corner where her plaque is. Now in the brightness of daylight, I was able to
organize our flowers from the previous night and add the rose I had for her.
Standing over Lindsay’s plaque, I thanked her for bringing an emblem of love
and friendship into my life through her mother, Judy. I asked if she could tell
Shayla I send my love and that I am at peace- knowing she is not alone in
Heaven- now she has a big sister with her. It struck me how phenomenal it was
that I was at a young girl’s grave, which I had never met- yet felt so much
love for. I gave Judy my word I would return and my promise was kept, with
future visits planned.
Earlier in
the week, I had received an email invite to a Christmas Giving Event put on by yoUnlimited.com I have attended a previous author`s reading
and marvelled at all the heart and passion, which goes into everything they put
together.
It was before departing, that I checked the full email and saw the name
of where donations were going to: “Harrison
Place.” This had profound meaning to
me-as the baby that Shayla had come to visit when she passed away- was her
nephew Harrison. One of the last pictures taken I have of my daughter alive, is
her bending over Harrison as she is smiling. It was the next day, my daughter
died in her car accident. Harrison Place also resonates within me and the abuse
I have experienced in previous relationships.
Here is a full description:
Harrison Place |Supportive, transitional housing for single women aged 45
to 65 who have left abusive relationships. 22 affordable one-bedroom suites
where women can stay for up to three years.
Harrison Place supports residents in becoming independent and
self-reliant, through counselling support, activities and life skills training.
S.A.F.E. (Self-sufficiency and Assets through Financial Education) Program
provides life goal setting, critical financial education, and a safety net for
women living in our supported housing.
For more information about Harrison
Place please call 250 385-2103.
Once at the yoUnlimited event, I was enveloped by the energy of
those gathered, to share gifts with those overcoming adversity.
When speaking with Carolyne Taylor,
who is described as a communitarian on her site, I expressed why I was taking
part in this giving event. I let my
emotions convey the streamlining of love for my daughter Shayla and her own
golden heart of helping others. Carolyne listened with compassion and after,
she gifted me a copy of a book, written by Ginny Dennehy with Shelley Fralic.
It is called, “Choosing Hope.”
At the time, I did not know of any
connection to Ginny’s story, until later when I began to read the back and read
of the Kelty Patrick Dennehy Foundation- which was created to maintain
her children’s legacy. Given my own personal journey with mental health and
wellness, as well as being an advocate- it was as if an invisible pebble had
been dropped into the ocean, when I received this book. The ripples of
survival, are reminders of others imparting their own stories, of
inspiration onto me.
As we finished wrapping gifts, I
looked around at the vibrant Gerbera daisies- Shayla’s cherished flower. A wave
of mercy washed over me, as I reflected on the time I had spent with others.
That evening, at Cordova Bay United Church, I attended another gathering- the
Annual Candle lighting Memorial Service, put on by The Compassionate Friends (TFC)
of Canada in Victoria. Judy had to leave the morning of the 13th back to
Campbell River, as she is part of TCF chapter there.
I brought a picture of Shayla when
she was younger, gazing upwards to heaven with such a peaceful look upon
her. There were several music selections
including beautiful renditions of Over
the Rainbow, and Goodnight my Angel,
while poems from loved ones left behind, were read.
One by one, we stood with the candles
given to us, walking up and lighting them in the names of those who had come to
pass. As I stood with my flickering light, I let my voice carry the names I
ignited the flame for…my darling daughter Shayla, my forever friend Judy’s
daughter, Lindsay and in remembrance of my Uncle Steve, who had passed away
this year only a few days earlier.
At one point, we were asked to blow
out our candle and I did not have to. Mine went out by itself and instead of
shedding tears, it instilled in me the spark of Shayla, has been reassigned directly
into my own scarred heart. A transformation has occurred in my anguish, where
time is no longer frozen to December 12th. My spirit sees me
connected to my babygirl- as I have wiped death’s grim reminders from the
compartments of my mind and replaced it with the presence of a life- lived to
its fullest. While I dream of the other side, it is what awaits me- a Heavenly
Paradise - that has me fill my well with faith. This is what Shayla would wish
for her momma. ACCEPTANCE.
It is imperative to note just because
I have accepted her death, it does not mean I have forgotten it. This year, what
helped immensely in addition to Judy's presence, was the ongoing support of those who texted, emailed me
and even called on this 4th year of remembrance. Knowing my own
heart, if it was the reverse, I would never overlook reaching out to others.
For me, the simple words of:
For me, the simple words of:
“I am thinking of you” actually is
felt as:
“I am not forgetting the worst day of
your life or the death of your child.”
Time may heal, but it never erases
what occurred.
After The Compassionate Friends
Memorial Service concluded, people gathered for refreshments and goodies. It
was a time to speak openly of those we continue to love. We shared about the child
(ren) taken far too soon, yet also of their brilliant legacies left behind.
Later, I read a poem in a little book
given to me, called...
“May an Angel Watch Over You.”
“May an Angel Watch Over You.”
~ Douglas Pagels.
I hope you will be touched by
kindness, inspired by wisdom, graced with understanding and kept safe from
harm. I hope you have a charmed life and that your heart will always be an open
window to deep and lasting joys. And I pray that you will always have an angel
watching over you…there to trace on your wonderful face, a smile that you can
keep forever.
For me-
every memory collected over my grieving journey has brought me to this point-
a long way from where I began.
By TL Alton
