When you
walk down the road
Heavy burden, heavy load
I will rise and I will walk with you
When you walk through the night
And you feel like you wanna just give up on the fight
I will come and I will walk with you
Walk with you
Until the sun don't even shine
Walk with you
I'll be there all the time
I tell you I'll walk with you
See you through…
Heavy burden, heavy load
I will rise and I will walk with you
When you walk through the night
And you feel like you wanna just give up on the fight
I will come and I will walk with you
Walk with you
Until the sun don't even shine
Walk with you
I'll be there all the time
I tell you I'll walk with you
See you through…
~ Touched By an Angel
This year marks the 25th Birthday of Shayla. With
the release of her ashes last year in Maui, I struggled to find some way to
honour her memory, reflective of her golden heart.
One night, as the quietness of my shelter resonated in the heavy
space of my grief, an idea came to me. It was profound enough for me to jump
out of bed and write myself a note about the inspiration. I scribbled on my pad
of fluorescent notes, the following- rainbow, 25, Shayla. Drifting off to sleep,
I felt a sense of calm.
The next morning, I contacted a business in Sidney and shared about my idea, then
inquired about the cost? Once the owners, Mike and Colleen knew what my purpose
was, they assured me there would be no charge!
I needed a plan and
set out organizing today-February 24th, to pay tribute to a young
woman, who beyond the realms of heaven, has managed to continue touching lives.
When I awoke, I set out to pack a small bag, with the
necessary items to fulfill my wishes for the day. I received many thoughtful and
caring messages, from people reaching out, to let me know they were thinking of
me. One particular friend, Amanda, sent me a heartfelt message and offered a
loving tribute for my daughter; by saying she would light a candle for her.
This simple gesture that branches out in understanding and respect is something
that beckons at my heart. I value her words to see through a tradition of
commemoration- knowing it means everything to a mother -who mourns her
babygirl. This is in correlation of when I would go into Vancouver and light a
candle for Shayla, in my favourite church.
When I moved away, that custom was extinguished with no one willing to
carry it on, I am deeply thankful for Amanda’s beautiful actions.
All morning I was dragging myself to get out the door, yet
things would pop up that needed tending to, before I could leave. Once, I was
finally on the road, coming down into town at the bottom of the thoroughfare was
something that made my hands start to shake. A terrible car accident had
occurred, with the Police, Fire trucks and Ambulance all in attendance with
several vehicles involved. My hands gripped onto my steering wheel as the
replay button in my mind brought me back in an instant to December 12, 2011,
when I lost my child. I said a prayer for everyone involved and was moved along
to a different side route. I was rattled and contemplated stopping to park when
my focus was brought to the car in front of me. Inside, were three young girls,
music blaring and the blonde haired teenager in the backseat was using her
hands, pumping them up and down, round and round, to the beats of the music.
Oblivious to her friends, she was smiling in addition to belting out the words.
I was instantly reminded of Shayla and how throughout the years we would crank
up our tunes and act just as silly- yet having the time of our lives! Suddenly
on my stereo, the lyrics to Bon Jovi’s “Army
of One” came on…
http://youtu.be/jHDaCoElLZY
I had taken Shayla on her 19th Birthday to
Seattle to see them perform live at Key Arena. In that moment, I felt as if she
was giving me a big hug to let me know I would be okay.
Driving along the highway, I made my first turn to go to Butterfly
Gardens. This sanctuary of
fluttering, living things is something that always rescues my soul from the
inner chaos. As I rounded the corner, I looked to see an eagle soaring above.
Several miles later, once on the ramp, I gazed upwards while at a stop light
and there was a second one. Turning on the road taking me to Butterfly Gardens,
on my left, was yet another eagle…each one guiding me to a place of peace.
While taking pictures, I noticed
out of all my visits, this one was the liveliest. Usually, I would wear bright
clothing but forgot, so I had not expected much activity around me…I could not
have been more wrong!
It was as if I was in the eye of a butterfly hurricane;
with swirls of colour all around me, I paused to take a look at the turtles
sunning on a log. I turned away though as my focus today was all about the
beautiful creatures that link me to Shayla.
 |
| Beautiful card I received from my friend Michelle xo |
I noticed a young student with a notebook
and started up a conversation with her. Paige is a 2nd year UVIC
student, enrolled in creative non-fiction. She had come to interview the owner
of Butterfly Gardens. As I shared about my daughter, she and I became excited
when a butterfly landed on my face. It crawled up to my knitted flower headband
and sat there long enough for her to capture a few brilliant snapshots!
After wishing Paige all the best in her studies, I sat to
look at my pictures when I had the esteemed “Mr. Flirty” Eclectus bird land on
my shoulders!
Try as I might to gently get him to go, he flew back and landed
on me several times. This parrot’s showy vibrant colours are exceptional and he
loves to receive compliments, as he prances around in full display.
Upon departing, I let the tranquility of where I have just
come from, settle into me. Not long after, I am in Sidney by the sea, a
charming town located at the ocean. I go to my favourite place for Fish ‘n’
Chips- Pier Bistro.
Gazing out at the waves crashing upon the rocks, I am
overcome with the emotions of the day.
My mind goes back to a conversation I had with a gentleman the night
before. I had shared about my bereavement and he listened intently. Afterwards,
he offered a perspective on my journey and where I was- in dealing with her
loss. He made a simple suggestion of taking some photographs of her off of my
walls. My gut reaction felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. Then I
thought of the digital frame picture that I had bought last year, still sitting
in the box, even though I could download numerous photos of Shayla onto it
–there it was collecting dust. This man asked me since I am deeply passionate
about taking photos, how many I had on my walls in my home? Sheepishly, I
admitted I had none as I have no wall space left to put up any of mine. He then
suggested I try this, because Shayla is ever present in my heart and soul, and
being surrounded by a deluge of memories could actually be hindering me. This
man then added, by having a ‘living museum’ to her, I am also putting up a wall
so no other man would feel comfortable around it. I had to admit due to my
previous upheaval and betrayal of my last relationship, I have built up a
fortress where no one can go through as I never want to experience such
heartache like that again! The last thing he mentioned was my feelings on
moving on from the death of Shayla and re-focussing on myself; that maybe it
was time to let go a bit more of her in order to fulfill my own dreams. All of
this rings true as I feel guilty of somehow ‘leaving her behind’ as I move
forward. Even now, writing this, the tears flow freely! How do I let go of my
little girl’s hand, when all along it is the one who has clasped so tightly,
onto mine?
Later, I take a walk on to a pier and gaze over at the
crystal clear vision of Mt. Baker. I have this tightening in my chest as I know
the time has come to let go of many things from my past. I have felt a strong
presence of Shayla all day and now I feel as if she is gently pulling away.
With an invisible squeeze of my hand, I sense for the first time her wanting to
remain in her mother’s heart, yet allowing me to take the steps I need to
realign my life.
I walk towards my next destination; knowing Shayla’s name is
literally written all over it.
Once inside Sidney Bakery, I am met by the owner
Colleen and a nice staff employee, Alyssa. After I had the vision of rainbow,
25, Shayla, I emailed Colleen’s husband Mike for a special request. When my
plans were revealed, they graciously offered up a boxful of treats at no cost! Upon seeing the finished product I held back the tears. There were a dozen
cupcakes with rainbows, hearts and the words “25 Shayla” written on them.
I thanked Colleen for their kindness and she
shared how it was not possible to read thru my email without crying! Before I left, she came around and gave
me a wonderful hug.
Driving into Victoria, I knew what my mission was to pay
tribute to Shayla’s compassion for others. I began a 2 hour stroll of the
streets, handing out the cupcakes to those less fortunate. With every sweet I
gave, I also offered the inspiration behind it- my daughter and her pursuit of
wanting to be a Social Worker. I had a badge of Shae with her beautiful smile
and an angel wing pin that says: “Daughter.” My first cupcake went to ‘Shane’
who said “God Bless You” to me once I shared about my child.
I received hugs
from total strangers, a lady named Miranda, in a wheelchair with her dog- wept
openly and I held onto her. Another man named David broke down to tell
me his wife and child were killed twelve years ago by a drunk driver. I had one
homeless man say: “I hope through you that Shayla’s wishes are being
fulfilled.” I walked past a young man holding a sign asking for spare change as
it was his birthday. This intrigued me
so I asked if he had anything to prove it? He offered his identification and sure
enough he and Shayla share the same birthday. The young man was thrilled when I
gave him a cupcake, acknowledging the day he was born.
After two hours, I was cold and tired, but I had a home to
come to. With empty bakery box in hand, I had touched the lives of 12 people I
had never known before. They heard about my loss, while I heard stories of
their own personal tragedies.
Driving back, I thought of the sorrow that had come to
visit, but I felt a sense of renewal in me…knowing it was not going to
last forever. That the pain was only making me stronger as an individual and I
was not failing my daughter by letting go slowly… I was looking for the changes that
have been waiting for me- on the other side.
By TL Alton
Thank you for sharing your painful, but very loving day. Touching the hearts of others, in many ways is connecting with Shayla. As a mother you have the right to grieve as long as you need to. If your walls are a mausoleum of Shayla, then that is what they are in the present. Grieving the loss of a child has no time frame, as it is it is it's own journey. One day you will look back at and smile with love and joy and feel happiness for one day the pain and sorrow will be replaced with happiness. I understand fully where the gentleman friend was coming from; but has he ever given birth and nurtured a child. It's a very huge loss, and how one chooses to deal with it is always personal to them. You are trying to keep her memory alive, and as Shayla walks with you she is struggling to keep you alive, for this above all things in the heart of Shayla that you shared would be her first and foremost wish, health and wellness and happiness for her mother. Shayla knows it is a process, and she will be with you every moment you walk this earth. It has not been all that long since you lost her physical body from this earth, be kind to yourself, be gentle, and love yourself, for these are the things that Shayla would want you to do. She also wants you to move on, when you are ready, totally and completely ready. Your cocoon of grief of having Shayla for 22 years in your life is a large cocoon to unravel. One thread at a time ~ one thread at a time. Blessings - Donna
ReplyDeleteMy deepest appreciation for you Donna taking the time to convey from your heart to me, your sentiments of loss that means a great deal. I value what you have shared and understand the connection to Shayla is an unfolding process. I liken my current journey to be similar to getting lost in the wilderness. The thickets of trees separate me from the world, while the overgrown trail connects me to my past, I can see thru the branches, there is a lit way towards my future. The sorrow has brought with it- wisdom and helped me to become a stronger person; better suited to handle what may come my way and a willingness to help others in need. In amongst the forest, I see a single butterfly, whose magnificent rainbow colour wings are reflective of my beloved Shayla. Sometimes it beckons to me to come back and immerse myself in the sadness. While on occasion, it encourages me to spread my own wings and allow for change to take place. I have felt a sense of ‘guilt’ in carrying onward as Shayla remains “Forever 21,” and I grow another year older. In wanting to seek my own happiness, I have felt I am being disloyal in some way-that by me feeling better is somehow a betrayal. I know this trickery does not reflect the genuine joy my daughter would want to see me uplifted from such mourning. She knew how passionate I was about my photography and I can almost hear her saying: “Momma…letting go of pictures of me, is not letting go of our love or the strong bond we continue to share.” I am going to take my digital picture frame and place my varied snapshots of her on it. I need to be ‘present where I am’ and allow myself to think of myself in the unknown future that lay ahead. Grabbing onto those threads of the cocoon holds me to an extraordinary life, yet I have come to a place of peace in unravelling them, in order to encourage release. Sometimes in doing the hardest thing, actually helps to get you where you need to be. ~ Much Grace & Light, Talia
Deletewow what a beautiful day... Every liitle moment touched my heard.. shayla clearly is so proud of her momma.. I have to agree with Donna on her response to the gentelman offering his words of wisdom, i can see his poin,t but only you and know,no one else can understand how you feel and your greiving process is yours and however you chose to get by day to day is what you have to do.. when the time is right you will move forward .. sounds like you may be ready to make some steps to do that .. and i agree Shayla would want nothing more for you but to fulfill all your dreams and be happy... i love what you did with the cupcakes.. wow!! what a great idea and how you made the days of those stangers and the one who shared a birthday with Shayla gave me goosies!!
ReplyDeleteI think you are an amazing mother and do not ever doubt that and feel guilty for carrying on.. you are making your daughter proud every single day!!
You are a dear friend and i cant wait to share in these specials places on the island ..look forward to fish & chips too xoxo michelle
Dearest Tonya,
ReplyDeleteYou can not feel guilty for trying to live a peaceful life. I am sure Shayla would want you to live the best life possible and focus on your well being. What you are doing to honour and remember your beautiful daughter Shayla is amazing <3 Shayla knows what you are doing to keep her spirit alive, she can feel it. No matter what you do you will never let go of Shayla, no matter what anyone tells you. She will always live in your heart and be a part of you and your daily life. Just because you want to live your dreams does not mean that you are going to let Shayla go. Shayla will always be your Babygirl <3 Know that I love you so much XOXOXOXO
Your beautiful words always instill how Shayla is Forever connected to me, her momma <3 Thank you for your passage of endearment that values the wonderful friendship we do share :) There is a saying that those we love which have gone from this world, we have learned so much from them and yet their gifts remain with us. My babygirl taught me a great deal of life lessons and thru the vibrant memories of who she was, Shayla will always remain in my heart <3 In trying to explain the change that is has slowly evolved, it is not really letting go as much as it is taking steps forward to stand on my own feet. Their will always be that calling of grief that welcomes me back, but I cannot permit myself to be lost in that wilderness of sorrow. Instead, I let myself be guided by the pathway of pebbles, sit amongst my bereavement and no longer stay as long as I once used to. I need to let it settle within me that it is okay to permit myself to collect my thoughts, gather myself and shake off the sadness. For this is what my daughter would want me to embrace. With spring, comes renewal- a time to welcome in new changes. I do not need anymore to be surrounded by countless pictures; for in the heavens Shayla exists and in the pulse of my heart, we continue to beat as one.
ReplyDeleteLove You Always XOXOXOX