The Element of Rebirth

When you walk down the road
Heavy burden, heavy load
I will rise and I will walk with you

When you walk through the night
And you feel like you wanna just give up on the fight
I will come and I will walk with you

Walk with you
Until the sun don't even shine
Walk with you
I'll be there all the time
I tell you I'll walk with you
See you through…

~ Touched By an Angel 

This year marks the 25^th Birthday of Shayla. With the release of her ashes last year in Maui, I struggled to find some way to honour her memory, reflective of her golden heart.
 

One night, as the quietness of my shelter resonated in the heavy space of my grief, an idea came to me. It was profound enough for me to jump out of bed and write myself a note about the inspiration. I scribbled on my pad of fluorescent notes, the following- rainbow, 25, Shayla. Drifting off to sleep, I felt a sense of calm. 

The next morning, I contacted a business in Sidney and shared about my idea, then inquired about the cost? Once the owners, Mike and Colleen knew what my purpose was, they assured me there would be no charge!

I needed a plan and set out organizing today-February 24^th, to pay tribute to a young woman, who beyond the realms of heaven, has managed to continue touching lives. 

When I awoke, I set out to pack a small bag, with the necessary items to fulfill my wishes for the day. I received many thoughtful and caring messages, from people reaching out, to let me know they were thinking of me. One particular friend, Amanda, sent me a heartfelt message and offered a loving tribute for my daughter; by saying she would light a candle for her. This simple gesture that branches out in understanding and respect is something that beckons at my heart. I value her words to see through a tradition of commemoration- knowing it means everything to a mother -who mourns her babygirl. This is in correlation of when I would go into Vancouver and light a candle for Shayla, in my favourite church.  When I moved away, that custom was extinguished with no one willing to carry it on, I am deeply thankful for Amanda’s beautiful actions. 

All morning I was dragging myself to get out the door, yet things would pop up that needed tending to, before I could leave. Once, I was finally on the road, coming down into town at the bottom of the thoroughfare was something that made my hands start to shake. A terrible car accident had occurred, with the Police, Fire trucks and Ambulance all in attendance with several vehicles involved. My hands gripped onto my steering wheel as the replay button in my mind brought me back in an instant to December 12, 2011, when I lost my child. I said a prayer for everyone involved and was moved along to a different side route. I was rattled and contemplated stopping to park when my focus was brought to the car in front of me. Inside, were three young girls, music blaring and the blonde haired teenager in the backseat was using her hands, pumping them up and down, round and round, to the beats of the music. Oblivious to her friends, she was smiling in addition to belting out the words. I was instantly reminded of Shayla and how throughout the years we would crank up our tunes and act just as silly- yet having the time of our lives! Suddenly on my stereo, the lyrics to Bon Jovi’s “Army of One” came on…

http://youtu.be/jHDaCoElLZY

I had taken Shayla on her 19^th Birthday to Seattle to see them perform live at Key Arena. In that moment, I felt as if she was giving me a big hug to let me know I would be okay. 

Driving along the highway, I made my first turn to go to Butterfly Gardens.  This sanctuary of fluttering, living things is something that always rescues my soul from the inner chaos. As I rounded the corner, I looked to see an eagle soaring above. Several miles later, once on the ramp, I gazed upwards while at a stop light and there was a second one. Turning on the road taking me to Butterfly Gardens, on my left, was yet another eagle…each one guiding me to a place of peace. 

Most of the staff at Butterfly Gardens knows who I am and as I showed my Annual pass, I was welcomed in with an understanding of why I was there, on this day. Entering in thru the doors, the tropical warmth greeted me. I sat on a bench, took a deep breath and allowed myself to ponder on other celebrations that I had shared with my daughter. When I opened my eyes, I heard someone say “Oh how beautiful” and there it was. A butterfly perched upon me- in full display of its glorious appearance- looking up at me. When the people had walked past, I grinned and whispered “Hello Shayla.” We stared at one another for a minute, and then it flitted off. 

While taking pictures, I noticed out of all my visits, this one was the liveliest. Usually, I would wear bright clothing but forgot, so I had not expected much activity around me…I could not have been more wrong! 

It was as if I was in the eye of a butterfly hurricane; with swirls of colour all around me, I paused to take a look at the turtles sunning on a log. I turned away though as my focus today was all about the beautiful creatures that link me to Shayla.

Beautiful card I received from my friend Michelle xo

I noticed a young student with a notebook and started up a conversation with her. Paige is a 2^nd year UVIC student, enrolled in creative non-fiction. She had come to interview the owner of Butterfly Gardens. As I shared about my daughter, she and I became excited when a butterfly landed on my face. It crawled up to my knitted flower headband and sat there long enough for her to capture a few brilliant snapshots! 

After wishing Paige all the best in her studies, I sat to look at my pictures when I had the esteemed “Mr. Flirty” Eclectus bird land on my shoulders! 

Try as I might to gently get him to go, he flew back and landed on me several times. This parrot’s showy vibrant colours are exceptional and he loves to receive compliments, as he prances around in full display.

Upon departing, I let the tranquility of where I have just come from, settle into me. Not long after, I am in Sidney by the sea, a charming town located at the ocean. I go to my favourite place for Fish ‘n’ Chips- Pier Bistro. 

Gazing out at the waves crashing upon the rocks, I am overcome with the emotions of the day.  My mind goes back to a conversation I had with a gentleman the night before. I had shared about my bereavement and he listened intently. Afterwards, he offered a perspective on my journey and where I was- in dealing with her loss. He made a simple suggestion of taking some photographs of her off of my walls. My gut reaction felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. Then I thought of the digital frame picture that I had bought last year, still sitting in the box, even though I could download numerous photos of Shayla onto it –there it was collecting dust. This man asked me since I am deeply passionate about taking photos, how many I had on my walls in my home? Sheepishly, I admitted I had none as I have no wall space left to put up any of mine. He then suggested I try this, because Shayla is ever present in my heart and soul, and being surrounded by a deluge of memories could actually be hindering me. This man then added, by having a ‘living museum’ to her, I am also putting up a wall so no other man would feel comfortable around it. I had to admit due to my previous upheaval and betrayal of my last relationship, I have built up a fortress where no one can go through as I never want to experience such heartache like that again! The last thing he mentioned was my feelings on moving on from the death of Shayla and re-focussing on myself; that maybe it was time to let go a bit more of her in order to fulfill my own dreams. All of this rings true as I feel guilty of somehow ‘leaving her behind’ as I move forward. Even now, writing this, the tears flow freely! How do I let go of my little girl’s hand, when all along it is the one who has clasped so tightly, onto mine? 

Later, I take a walk on to a pier and gaze over at the crystal clear vision of Mt. Baker. I have this tightening in my chest as I know the time has come to let go of many things from my past. I have felt a strong presence of Shayla all day and now I feel as if she is gently pulling away. With an invisible squeeze of my hand, I sense for the first time her wanting to remain in her mother’s heart, yet allowing me to take the steps I need to realign my life. 

I walk towards my next destination; knowing Shayla’s name is literally written all over it. 

Once inside Sidney Bakery, I am met by the owner Colleen and a nice staff employee, Alyssa. After I had the vision of rainbow, 25, Shayla, I emailed Colleen’s husband Mike for a special request. When my plans were revealed, they graciously offered up a boxful of treats at no cost! Upon seeing the finished product I held back the tears. There were a dozen cupcakes with rainbows, hearts and the words “25 Shayla” written on them.   

I thanked Colleen for their kindness and she shared how it was not possible to read thru my email without crying! Before I left, she came around and gave me a wonderful hug. 

 

When I was back at my car, I added Shayla’s favourite “Taste the Rainbow” candy- Skittles, lit the numerals 25 and wished my daughter a Happy Birthday in heaven. 

Driving into Victoria, I knew what my mission was to pay tribute to Shayla’s compassion for others. I began a 2 hour stroll of the streets, handing out the cupcakes to those less fortunate. With every sweet I gave, I also offered the inspiration behind it- my daughter and her pursuit of wanting to be a Social Worker. I had a badge of Shae with her beautiful smile and an angel wing pin that says: “Daughter.” My first cupcake went to ‘Shane’ who said “God Bless You” to me once I shared about my child. 

I received hugs from total strangers, a lady named Miranda, in a wheelchair with her dog- wept openly and I held onto her. Another man named David broke down to tell me his wife and child were killed twelve years ago by a drunk driver. I had one homeless man say: “I hope through you that Shayla’s wishes are being fulfilled.” I walked past a young man holding a sign asking for spare change as it was his birthday.  This intrigued me so I asked if he had anything to prove it? He offered his identification and sure enough he and Shayla share the same birthday. The young man was thrilled when I gave him a cupcake, acknowledging the day he was born. 

After two hours, I was cold and tired, but I had a home to come to. With empty bakery box in hand, I had touched the lives of 12 people I had never known before. They heard about my loss, while I heard stories of their own personal tragedies.

Driving back, I thought of the sorrow that had come to visit, but I felt a sense of renewal in me…knowing it was not going to last forever. That the pain was only making me stronger as an individual and I was not failing my daughter by letting go slowly… I was looking for the changes that have been waiting for me- on the other side. 

 By TL Alton

Feeding the Souls in Need

In Canada, “No One Should Go Hungry”  ~ The Oasis Outreach Society

Last week I needed repairs on my vehicle and was walking around the area of Langley, BC. I had driven by a building which had a store called THE OASIS OUTREACH SOCIETY. I was curious as to what type of business it was, so I went inside to have a look. 

I was immediately greeted by a friendly lady, who smiled and welcomed me to the store. Glancing around at the items for sale, I soon realized the price point on everything was much lower than you would find in a regular grocery outlet. Products ranged from personal hygiene, condiments, baking supplies and bags of candies.

My interest was piqued enough to inquire about the business. A woman named Christine, kindly took the time to share with me about the society that is “dedicated to ending hunger for Canadians.”

With two low cost grocery outlets-one in Chilliwack opened on September 6, 2011 and the other in Langley on June 17, 2013- are stores for people whose income is also low. The Oasis Outreach issues a free client membership card to assist those in purchasing items at a reduced price. 

Provisions are made through Government and Church human resources by giving food vouchers to their grateful customers. Through the kindness of local businesses and the generosity of the communities of both Chilliwack and Langley, this much needed service is offering compassion on all levels. 

When speaking with Christine, she explained to me that while some people fight to stay home from work, she has Volunteers, yearning to serve at a business where ending hunger in Canada is their main goal. 

This Government Registered Charity is a place with a motto of “Shop with Dignity,” is something you do not find anywhere else. 

On a personal note, I myself know what it is like to stand in a Food bank line with my child. Years ago, I encountered hard times and had my pride taken away when I had to wait in a queue, to file along and receive whatever food was available. While I was ashamed to have found myself and my daughter in this position, in later years it would be another powerful bond connecting Shayla and me. In giving back to the communities who gave us assistance, both my daughter and I hosted several charity events which helped those in need. Shayla never forgot those who she once stood with at the Food bank. Her passion for giving back shined through in her pursuit of working with people who needed someone to care about them. 

Upon her passing at the age of twenty-one, I saw firsthand through the many Thank You cards left behind,  just how devoted my daughter was at being involved in her own community. 

I know in my heart, she had led me to The Oasis Outreach Society and compelled me to write about a store that is working together so others are not going without.

For further information, please click on the link> www.oasisoutreachsociety.org

 

By T.L. Alton