When you
walk down the road
Heavy burden, heavy load
I will rise and I will walk with you
When you walk through the night
And you feel like you wanna just give up on the fight
I will come and I will walk with you
Walk with you
Until the sun don't even shine
Walk with you
I'll be there all the time
I tell you I'll walk with you
See you through…
~ Touched By an Angel
This year marks the 25th Birthday of Shayla. With
the release of her ashes last year in Maui, I struggled to find some way to
honour her memory, reflective of her golden heart.
One night, as the quietness of my shelter resonated in the heavy
space of my grief, an idea came to me. It was profound enough for me to jump
out of bed and write myself a note about the inspiration. I scribbled on my pad
of fluorescent notes, the following- rainbow, 25, Shayla. Drifting off to sleep,
I felt a sense of calm.
The next morning, I contacted a business in Sidney and shared about my idea, then
inquired about the cost? Once the owners, Mike and Colleen knew what my purpose
was, they assured me there would be no charge!
I needed a plan and
set out organizing today-February 24th, to pay tribute to a young
woman, who beyond the realms of heaven, has managed to continue touching lives.
When I awoke, I set out to pack a small bag, with the
necessary items to fulfill my wishes for the day. I received many thoughtful and
caring messages, from people reaching out, to let me know they were thinking of
me. One particular friend, Amanda, sent me a heartfelt message and offered a
loving tribute for my daughter; by saying she would light a candle for her.
This simple gesture that branches out in understanding and respect is something
that beckons at my heart. I value her words to see through a tradition of
commemoration- knowing it means everything to a mother -who mourns her
babygirl. This is in correlation of when I would go into Vancouver and light a
candle for Shayla, in my favourite church.
When I moved away, that custom was extinguished with no one willing to
carry it on, I am deeply thankful for Amanda’s beautiful actions.
All morning I was dragging myself to get out the door, yet
things would pop up that needed tending to, before I could leave. Once, I was
finally on the road, coming down into town at the bottom of the thoroughfare was
something that made my hands start to shake. A terrible car accident had
occurred, with the Police, Fire trucks and Ambulance all in attendance with
several vehicles involved. My hands gripped onto my steering wheel as the
replay button in my mind brought me back in an instant to December 12, 2011,
when I lost my child. I said a prayer for everyone involved and was moved along
to a different side route. I was rattled and contemplated stopping to park when
my focus was brought to the car in front of me. Inside, were three young girls,
music blaring and the blonde haired teenager in the backseat was using her
hands, pumping them up and down, round and round, to the beats of the music.
Oblivious to her friends, she was smiling in addition to belting out the words.
I was instantly reminded of Shayla and how throughout the years we would crank
up our tunes and act just as silly- yet having the time of our lives! Suddenly
on my stereo, the lyrics to Bon Jovi’s “Army
of One” came on…
http://youtu.be/jHDaCoElLZY
I had taken Shayla on her 19th Birthday to
Seattle to see them perform live at Key Arena. In that moment, I felt as if she
was giving me a big hug to let me know I would be okay.
Driving along the highway, I made my first turn to go to Butterfly
Gardens. This sanctuary of
fluttering, living things is something that always rescues my soul from the
inner chaos. As I rounded the corner, I looked to see an eagle soaring above.
Several miles later, once on the ramp, I gazed upwards while at a stop light
and there was a second one. Turning on the road taking me to Butterfly Gardens,
on my left, was yet another eagle…each one guiding me to a place of peace.
Most of the staff at Butterfly Gardens knows who I am and as I showed my Annual
pass, I was welcomed in with an understanding of why I was there, on this day. Entering in thru the doors, the tropical warmth greeted me.
I sat on a bench, took a deep breath and allowed myself to ponder on other
celebrations that I had shared with my daughter. When I opened my eyes, I heard
someone say “Oh how beautiful” and there it was. A butterfly perched upon me-
in full display of its glorious appearance- looking up at me. When the people
had walked past, I grinned and whispered “Hello Shayla.” We stared at one
another for a minute, and then it flitted off.
While taking pictures, I noticed
out of all my visits, this one was the liveliest. Usually, I would wear bright
clothing but forgot, so I had not expected much activity around me…I could not
have been more wrong!
It was as if I was in the eye of a butterfly hurricane;
with swirls of colour all around me, I paused to take a look at the turtles
sunning on a log. I turned away though as my focus today was all about the
beautiful creatures that link me to Shayla.
 |
| Beautiful card I received from my friend Michelle xo |
I noticed a young student with a notebook
and started up a conversation with her. Paige is a 2nd year UVIC
student, enrolled in creative non-fiction. She had come to interview the owner
of Butterfly Gardens. As I shared about my daughter, she and I became excited
when a butterfly landed on my face. It crawled up to my knitted flower headband
and sat there long enough for her to capture a few brilliant snapshots!
After wishing Paige all the best in her studies, I sat to
look at my pictures when I had the esteemed “Mr. Flirty” Eclectus bird land on
my shoulders!
Try as I might to gently get him to go, he flew back and landed
on me several times. This parrot’s showy vibrant colours are exceptional and he
loves to receive compliments, as he prances around in full display.
Upon departing, I let the tranquility of where I have just
come from, settle into me. Not long after, I am in Sidney by the sea, a
charming town located at the ocean. I go to my favourite place for Fish ‘n’
Chips- Pier Bistro.
Gazing out at the waves crashing upon the rocks, I am
overcome with the emotions of the day.
My mind goes back to a conversation I had with a gentleman the night
before. I had shared about my bereavement and he listened intently. Afterwards,
he offered a perspective on my journey and where I was- in dealing with her
loss. He made a simple suggestion of taking some photographs of her off of my
walls. My gut reaction felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. Then I
thought of the digital frame picture that I had bought last year, still sitting
in the box, even though I could download numerous photos of Shayla onto it
–there it was collecting dust. This man asked me since I am deeply passionate
about taking photos, how many I had on my walls in my home? Sheepishly, I
admitted I had none as I have no wall space left to put up any of mine. He then
suggested I try this, because Shayla is ever present in my heart and soul, and
being surrounded by a deluge of memories could actually be hindering me. This
man then added, by having a ‘living museum’ to her, I am also putting up a wall
so no other man would feel comfortable around it. I had to admit due to my
previous upheaval and betrayal of my last relationship, I have built up a
fortress where no one can go through as I never want to experience such
heartache like that again! The last thing he mentioned was my feelings on
moving on from the death of Shayla and re-focussing on myself; that maybe it
was time to let go a bit more of her in order to fulfill my own dreams. All of
this rings true as I feel guilty of somehow ‘leaving her behind’ as I move
forward. Even now, writing this, the tears flow freely! How do I let go of my
little girl’s hand, when all along it is the one who has clasped so tightly,
onto mine?
Later, I take a walk on to a pier and gaze over at the
crystal clear vision of Mt. Baker. I have this tightening in my chest as I know
the time has come to let go of many things from my past. I have felt a strong
presence of Shayla all day and now I feel as if she is gently pulling away.
With an invisible squeeze of my hand, I sense for the first time her wanting to
remain in her mother’s heart, yet allowing me to take the steps I need to
realign my life.
I walk towards my next destination; knowing Shayla’s name is
literally written all over it.
Once inside Sidney Bakery, I am met by the owner
Colleen and a nice staff employee, Alyssa. After I had the vision of rainbow,
25, Shayla, I emailed Colleen’s husband Mike for a special request. When my
plans were revealed, they graciously offered up a boxful of treats at no cost! Upon seeing the finished product I held back the tears. There were a dozen
cupcakes with rainbows, hearts and the words “25 Shayla” written on them.
I thanked Colleen for their kindness and she
shared how it was not possible to read thru my email without crying! Before I left, she came around and gave
me a wonderful hug.
When I was back at my car, I added Shayla’s favourite “Taste
the Rainbow” candy- Skittles, lit the numerals 25 and wished my daughter a
Happy Birthday in heaven.
Driving into Victoria, I knew what my mission was to pay
tribute to Shayla’s compassion for others. I began a 2 hour stroll of the
streets, handing out the cupcakes to those less fortunate. With every sweet I
gave, I also offered the inspiration behind it- my daughter and her pursuit of
wanting to be a Social Worker. I had a badge of Shae with her beautiful smile
and an angel wing pin that says: “Daughter.” My first cupcake went to ‘Shane’
who said “God Bless You” to me once I shared about my child.
I received hugs
from total strangers, a lady named Miranda, in a wheelchair with her dog- wept
openly and I held onto her. Another man named David broke down to tell
me his wife and child were killed twelve years ago by a drunk driver. I had one
homeless man say: “I hope through you that Shayla’s wishes are being
fulfilled.” I walked past a young man holding a sign asking for spare change as
it was his birthday. This intrigued me
so I asked if he had anything to prove it? He offered his identification and sure
enough he and Shayla share the same birthday. The young man was thrilled when I
gave him a cupcake, acknowledging the day he was born.
After two hours, I was cold and tired, but I had a home to
come to. With empty bakery box in hand, I had touched the lives of 12 people I
had never known before. They heard about my loss, while I heard stories of
their own personal tragedies.
Driving back, I thought of the sorrow that had come to
visit, but I felt a sense of renewal in me…knowing it was not going to
last forever. That the pain was only making me stronger as an individual and I
was not failing my daughter by letting go slowly… I was looking for the changes that
have been waiting for me- on the other side.
By TL Alton
