“Let your
Light Shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your
Father in Heaven.” ~ Matthew 5:16
In December
2011- on our counter in full display- sat a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. It
was feeble, uneven and sparse with only one red ball clinging to it- and I
adored it! When you pressed a button it played the signature Peanuts theme
song, "Linus and Lucy." Shayla passed away never seeing it and afterwards,
I packed it away. Sometime later, I ended up giving the tree to her friend,
Mindy.
This year,
when my seasonal job concluded, I was gifted with a substantial amount of
Canadian Tire money. I hung onto it for quite awhile, until one day I was in the
Christmas décor section of Canadian Tire and I saw something that melted my
heart.
It was Snoopy covered in a string of blinking lights. When you pressed
his paw, he shimmies and shakes, bopping away to the same song that the tree
played. This was a gift for me that now sits in my room of where I am staying.
The cycle of
grief has played through its course and things that once caused me despair now
trickle in with splendours of joy. When I shifted away from the sorrow, my eyes
were opened to things, places and people who made this year’s Christmas
magical.
When I was working another job over the Christmas season, I met a lovely Hawaiian woman named Luana. We spoke of the Islands and I shared my special Maui connection with my Anela- Shayla. Luana means ‘enjoyment’ and I was fortunate to have met her as she has a caring heart. One day at work, I turned to find her with a decorated box that had a beautiful red sparkling bow. Inside were offerings of gifts that held revered memories for me. A yellow Plumeria flower now sits attached to my fir branches in my room, alongside it is the turtle carving necklace Luana gave to me. When I released Shayla’s ashes into the ocean, I scattered Plumeria flowers and also wore a headdress of them. In Hawaii, I was touched by the underwater blessing of swimming at a safe distance, alongside a turtle. This event was unplanned, yet I felt a spiritual connection, to one of nature’s graceful creatures. The kindness of Luana also saw her gift me a Kukui nut bracelet. The symbolism behind the nut is in Ancient times, they use to bring light into the world through their oil.
The depiction of each gift was
deeply rooted in the continual love for my daughter and our bond on the Islands
of Hawaii. I also received a bright red and gold card from Luana that read:
Mele Kalikimaka
Me Ka
Hau'oli Makahiki Hou
- This means “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.”
Another customer who I served was
wearing a shimmering top with a heart on it. As we spoke, I realized she was
covered in hearts- from her earrings to the card she bought. When I commented
on the wonderful card she said she was buying it for herself. I was intrigued
by her and asked for her name.
“My name is Autumn.”
Upon her receipt I wrote “The Heart
Pebble Movement” as I felt she was seeking things. In return she gave me the
name of a doctor who sounded familiar. Once back where I am staying, I checked
out Dr. Gabor Maté. It was when I saw the cover of one of his books that I was
smacked with the connection to Shayla. Since she was pursuing Social Work as a
career, she owned many University books. In
the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction… is one of
the books written by Dr. Gabor Maté.
I have also been searching myself-
all the while understanding nothing is ever really as it seems- this was
another indication that there are no happenstances in life.
All of these- connected the dot
moments- led me to a Christmas, fueled with light.
Adding to the peace of the season was
an interactive Victorian Advent Calendar, by Jacquie Lawson. It was another
blessed gift for my wonderful friend Terry. Every day, I opened it and clicked
on activities or read up on Victorian traditions, which influence our Christmas’s.
I never knew what I was receiving. Upon clicking on Day 21- a hot air
balloon appeared- my heart skipped a beat…another recollection of what never
unfolded…I continue to march on.
I awoke Christmas day to find more presents under the tree I had in the loft. Sometime ago, I mentioned to Lilian how last year, I had decided to celebrate the season again. I spoke of my beautifully decorated tree and even how I hung up a stocking. Of course, on Christmas morning it still lay flat and unfilled. She remembered this and had a red velvet stocking packed full of a variety of gifts. Next to it were several nicely decorated gift boxes. These were in addition to my presents from my dear friend Judith, who was my co-facilitator for GriefShare.
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| My new 2015 Christmas Anela |
I was overwhelmed with such genuine
caring that I began to weep. Christmas is something that still makes my heart
glow. I was happy to discover a package of tissues amongst my parcels.
I was brought back to a memory so
treasured by me after all these years, it still exemplifies the meaning of
giving from a place of sincerity. Shayla had come home to celebrate the
holidays with my then boyfriend Paul and I. She beamed as I grabbed hold of the
present she was passing to me. When I opened it, the tears began to form. On a
previous visit, my daughter had been wearing funky purple Pajamas. They had
trees with swirly branches in a multitude of colours and a saying: “trees-cuter
than paper or plastic.” When I opened the wrapping of the gift Shayla had
presented me, it was her PJ’s and there stood my daughter with the biggest
grin.
Over the years, I have worn them out.
As the words have started to fade and the colours grown fainter, I still go
back to that place in my memory; holding tight onto the love bound within it.
Now, as I sat in the loft opening my gifts for this Christmas, I was about to discover a wave of providence come my way. One of the presents from Lilian was a heart decoration that has a key, which can be inserted into the back of it to make it stand up. The words “You Are My Sunshine,” are on it- that I use to tell my babygirl and sing to her. The sunflowers, which are one of my cherished flora, also represent me; my spiritual faith and worship. This summer, I held the exact heart in a local gift store and pondered over whether to buy it. In the end I placed it back on the shelf. Chances saw Lilian come along and out of a wide range of hearts to choose from, she selected this one; with purposeful meaning.
The next gift had me sit in awe of the
likelihood I would be given it. Wrapped inside tissue was a tin that contained
a lavender candle. After Shayla passed, Paul bought a lavender candle.
He has lit it every year since my daughter’s death. Lilian had purchased the
exact same one.
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| Lavender candle on the silk satchel Lilian gifted me |
I also received from Lilian, my first woman’s
devotional Journal titled, “God’s Calling.” Knowing it will guide my
direction, as I walk through life’s upheavals, brings me great comfort.
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| Journal from Lilian |
There were many other gifts from her
heart and I kept walking into the kitchen with tears of happiness, thanking
Lilian kindly for every single present!
When it came time to open Judith’s
gifts, I gave thanks for these women of deep faith, who uplift me in many
brilliant ways! From jewellery, a gorgeous Pashmina shawl, books and luxury body
crèmes, I knew every item bought was attentively selected with compassion.
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| Books from Judith |
In celebrating the season again, I
felt like Cindy Lou! At the end of my packages was a decorated box. Unwrapping
it, I opened the lid. Inside was a black pair of Cobb Hill shoes. These were
not just any pair of dress shoes…these were meant for my new job. Such a
personal item to buy for someone and given my wide feet issues and no arch, the
chance of them fitting me were slim. As I held them in my hands, I was overcome
with emotions. The pair of footwear was my very own Christmas shoes. Gathering
them, I headed back downstairs to show Lilian. We both felt such grace in
Judith’s kindness. I slipped them on- it was as if I had been with my dear
friend, when she bought them! I was reminded of a verse from the Bible:
Psalm 40:2 He drew me
up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a
rock, making my steps secure.
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| "Have Faith" |
All of these touching moments set the
tone for me to gather my donations given to me by Terry and other woman,
including some from Saanich Baptist Church. Within the hour, I was on the
streets of Victoria, ready to hand out warm clothing, treats and gifts that
would bring some Christmas cheer.
My timing was a bit off as most
homeless people were still eating their meal provided by various organizations,
all over the city. Therefore, I had trouble with finding anyone in need- at the
moment. I decided to eat myself and given I could only find McDonald’s; I
ordered what turned out to be the ‘unhappiest meal’ I had eaten in a long time.
The food was not what mattered, but the company I was keeping. When everyone
else was avoiding the back alcove of McDonald’s, I went in and sat with three
street people. When I saw the look of surprise on their faces, I knew it was
exactly where I was meant to be. I began speaking to them. One of them frowned
as he looked over at meal and asked hesitantly, “That’s not your Christmas
meal?” I smiled and said, “Sure is.” He them commented how he had even eaten
better on Christmas Day at the church, which made me laugh in agreement. One of
the men who huddled in the corner, was clearly intoxicated and making growling noises, his face twisting
and the smell of alcohol upon him. I began to choke up, as he reminded me of
someone I know, who used to be the same way and for a moment- a flood of bad memories were upon me.
Abruptly, the man next to me asked why I was out on the streets by myself. I
shared about my desire to help others, while wanting to hear their stories. He
told me he was a painter and carpenter. He had moved to Victoria, leaving
everything behind for a new start. Sharing the difficulties with securing work,
he fell on hard times and as the cooler weather crept in, he needed to shift
his job focus to construction. It was interesting to note that while I was
eating my cold, limp fries and flattened Chicken wrap, a security guard checked
in several times. I caught him looking at me wondering why I was sitting there
and my smile back showed him I was okay. Afterwards, I packed my donations up
and two of the men wished me a Merry Christmas! The third stumbled over to me,
with his contorted facial expressions, he put out his fist for me to ‘pound it’- which
I did.
Once back on the streets, I bumped
into a man named Eugene. He was eager to chat and quickly let me know he did
not need anything. He mentioned a woman’s name and if I knew her? I shook my
head no and asked why? Eugene confided she had died of a drug overdose and just
before Christmas, it tore at me. Another family was being impacted by the
ravages of the addictions on the streets.
I carried on with my thoughts and
wondered if I was going to hand anything out? My question was soon answered
when a flood of people started to filter back, after their meals had been
finished. Suddenly, I was chatting with a young man who had been on the streets
since he was 14…now he was 26 years old and the concrete was forged with the
brokenness he feels every day. I talked with a man name James and a woman
called Michelle. After I gave them something- whether a box of Skittles or a
pair of earrings, I asked them their names. I know some are running either from
family, abusive relationships, addictions, or even from themselves, so they
make up a name that suited them well. That was the case in meeting Queen, who
was humbled by my offerings of anything warm and proudly declared her new
street name.
As I walked up and down familiar
streets, in the spirit of Christmas, there was absolutely no judgment… as it is
not my role to cast authority amongst them and their way of life.
Passing St. Andrews Cathedral Church,
something caught my eye. Bending closer to have a look, I was elated to see a
vibrant pink flower- a Christmas rose defying all odds had bloomed.
It reminded me how out of the
scattered dark ashes, God brings forth beauty.
Coming around the corner was a man
with a cane. He was not elderly and I noticed the great efforts it took for him
to walk, at a steady pace. I went up to him, introduced myself and asked if he
needed anything. It turned out, he did not want any winter items or other
donations I had. All Douglas wanted was someone to listen. I stood with him- as
the wind found our exposed skin- I let every drop of words from his mouth fall
deeply into the crevices of my own hurts. Empathy is a gift to appreciate and I
offered it to this man as a valued commodity in his life.
I listened intently as Douglas spoke
of the Prairies, being a single man with a high spectrum of autism, he did not
have a wife or children. He took me on a personal journey, where Douglas spent month’s
unconscious at the local hospital, suffering from a debilitating Brain
Aneurysm. One of his eyes was distorted and he had an operation to help partially
correct it. Douglas shared his anticipation of another upcoming surgery, to
further assist, with his eye problems. He spoke of the challenges of walking by
the street people to his apartment. Due to his poor vision, Douglas would kick
over other homeless people’s money collection cans and he was very concerned
for his well- being. He showed me on his wrist a MedicAlert
bracelet. It states he had a Brain
Aneurysm and has vision problems, which helps a great deal in bringing
awareness. He spoke of how having good health is everything and if you don’t
have it, life is full of challenges. I could not agree more.
It was at this point, my gaze made me
look downward at his shoes. In doing so, I noticed once of his shoelaces were
untied. I told Douglas and casually offered to tie his laces up. He seemed
taken aback and then smiling, he replied “Sure, Thank You!” As I bent down on
the concrete, I shivered, not wanting to imagine what it is like to sleep on
the foundation every day. While Douglas was standing and patiently waiting, he
wondered if I could double loop it and I made sure the laces were not coming
undone when he walked.
Wishing me a Merry Christmas, Douglas
had one simple request. He asked, “If I see you on the street again, will you
be sure to say Hi to me?” I beamed with joy and shaking his hand, I remarked,
“Of course, I will…and I want you know I will keep you in my prayers for your
next operation!” My parting words, made him smile the biggest grin and a last
word of gratitude.
Going our separate ways, I marvelled
in the stories of people that are passed by on a daily basis.
After a few hours, I had given out
almost two bagfuls of donations and was walking back to my car, when I spotted
Susan. She was an Aboriginal elderly woman in a wheelchair, way under-dressed
for the cold weather. I noticed her PJ bottoms right away as they were covered
with images of Animal from The Muppets. I spoke with her and found out she has
no teeth…they have all been pulled. Susan spoke of the embarrassment and how
she just wants a new set, which fit properly. I opened my bag and she was drawn
to a hand knit bright pink toque with a pom- pom on it. Happily, she set it
upon her lap.
I stayed with her until the bus came.
Nearing the street across from my
vehicle, I passed out the remainder of my donations, with one remaining bag
left for January.
As I gave the last of my goodies
away, a young girl offered me something in return. Opening her hand, she gifted
me a small polished ‘pebble’ and it took my breath away at her simple gesture
of kindness.
Walking the
streets with my donation bags, I never felt alone. I imagined Shayla with me, her hand tightly
clasped in mine and her beautiful smile, lighting up the night.
I decided to
keep the tradition of seeing a movie of inspiration. I picked “Concussion”
with Will Smith. While last year, I got lost and ended up at the local Odeon
theatre, this year I decided to go to Silver City Tillicum Mall and watch the
film.
Driving past
a bench, I saw a woman, all alone in the frigid night. I went to the local gas
station and bought two coffees- one for her and one for me. Turning around, I
headed back and approached her. She declined the coffee, but was gracious to
say “God Bless and a Merry Christmas.” The time it took for me to do all of
this lead me to the next person.
Once at the
theatre, it occurred how last year I had met Judy in a movie line, with our
friendship blossoming into a deeply enriched union of two, long lost, sisters.
Suddenly,
when I looked up… I saw the most beautiful hair colours and style on a person
only a few feet away. I knew I had to give her a compliment. As she turned
around, I raved about her rainbow locks and she shared it was herself who had
done the tedious job. In speaking with this young woman, I found out she works
on the oil rigs in Alberta. Her partner Fawn was outside for a smoke and they
were going to see the last Mocking jay movie together.
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| Victoria |
I asked her name and she
replied, “Victoria.” I spoke to her about Shayla and how much bullying she endured
for being unique and different. Victoria was honest about what she has to tolerate
in the workplace. From men wanting to assault her, to threats of violence, not
all of those she meets want to embrace her.
Victoria is
Transgender. She struck me as someone who may consider conventional orientation
labels inadequate. When Fawn came into the conversation, I saw two people who
were madly in love with one another. Again, there was no judgment on my part as
when I first viewed Victoria, I saw her as a beautiful woman. It made me think
of our society and how others choose to hide in the shadows, while leading a
deception life. Whereas Victoria and Fawn are living a life they feel
acceptance in. It is essential- that those who are called misfits of our world
are not judged by ourselves- solely because we feel their lifestyles do not
mesh with ours. Where does one draw the line of approval? To some, homeless
people are lazy lowlifes, while others feel the colour of your skin determines
rejection. The mentally ill are stigmatized daily, while the division of
religious beliefs which do not align with ours- causes wars.
These are
the real gems I was gifted and an understanding that even though my daughter
could not be here for Christmas, she left me the best gift of all- The splendour
of TRANSFORMATION.
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| Christmas Day 2015 |
Holiday Video: "Lily and The Snowman" https://youtu.be/qehqv13PJwI
By TL Alton
