“Grief
comes in unexpected surges…Mysterious cues that set off a reminder of grief. It
comes crashing like a wave, sweeping me into its crest, twisting me inside
out…then recedes, leaving me broken. Our grief occupies our life out to the
edges- a mood comes without warning and it is devastating. Yet…it also passes,
so live in the grief, but also wait.” –Toby Talbot.
Shayla's quilt I lay on with my stone of Labradorite heart pebble. Above me is Shayla's quote, which seemed perfectly suited to the challenges I faced. |
One of the people I was employed by passed away suddenly-
without any warning to me. In the short time I knew them, they imparted a great
deal of insight to my photography. Likewise, the simple grace found in the
gardens I was creating for them, had this person convey, how healing Mother
Nature can be.
Due to their passing, I thought I would no longer be employed and was
devastated over the loss of this person who was dearly loved by many. At first,
I was overwhelmed with sadness that they would never see the sanctuary I had
created- with the flowers and plants I had bought- at a local garden centre.
After church service, it occurred to me this person now has one of the most
exceptional views from Heaven and I took some comfort in that.
"Sign" I saw on a vehicle, after I had finished the gardens where I worked and my employer had passed away |
On the first day of summer, I attended an outdoor
Father’s Day event that had the air infused with the aromas of Mexican tacos’,
Polish sausage and pierogies and smoked ham hocks. My skin was treated to
homemade hand creams and lip balms, while my mouth tasted the delights of
organic Cotton candy, sweet raspberry tea and homemade salted caramel ice
cream.
I spoke with many business people, including a young lady, Brette from designHouse
Salon in Victoria. In the time we shared, I was able to tell her about The Heart Pebble Movement and in return, she
extended compassionate for my loss. Several hugs later and I left feeling she
had instilled in me more than beauty, but mercy to the journey I have been on.
Due to my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, there are times
when I feel overwhelmed by the masses of crowds, jostling along and I now pay
closer attention to my emotions. Therefore, I broke free of the throngs of
people and strolled downhill to the inner harbour. Something had been heavily
laden on my mind and I was trying to process it. Knowing the sea brings calm to
my restless spirit, I let my feet guide me towards the brackish mist clinging
to Victoria’s air.
“The
hardest time to learn about the process of grief is while you are in the midst
of it.”
Prior to the passing of my employer, I had received via
email a letter from someone who works for The City of Kelowna. My intention is
to put into words my feelings and not single out any individuals. The email was
cold, flat and direct in the words. Due to ground work directly beside the
reservoir (where my daughter had died), it was necessary to dig up and remove
Shayla’s Memorial stone! The City of Kelowna gave me only five days notice this
was to occur and in the letter it stated that if I wanted to come and remove
the stone myself, I could! In that
moment, I felt the air sucked from me, as I burst into tears wondering how this
could be happening?
Instantly, I recalled several years ago, in Langley, when
I and my former boyfriend Paul handpicked the granite – Stone of Protection- in
the rain.
I began to sob more, thinking of my created design for the Memorial
stone, and then procured Surrey Monument Company to engrave
what I wanted on it. After it was finished, arrangements were made for a
transport truck to bring it to Kelowna. Both Shayla’s father Dave and I oversaw
the installation of the stone at McKinley Landing Reservoir, where our
daughter’s vehicle had been submerged for 45 minutes and Shayla died. Over the
years, many have come to pay respects and lay personal sentiments to honour a
life taken far too soon.
The letter did state that in two months, the stone would
be re-installed at the same location. Several flurries of emails between me and
those within The City of Kelowna and it changed to an indefinite period of time
before re-installation and unknown, if the Memorial stone would be placed back
in the same location, it came from. As someone who formerly was employed by
Government, I know too well the bureaucracy that can arise when something
unacceptable occurs.
In the original first letter, there was no compassion or
sympathy over having to pull out of the earth; a tribute that has meant a great
deal to those who mourn the passing of Shayla. To even ask a bereaved mother
who has wrapped their brokenness over the stone and wept a river of tears, to
come and remove her own daughter’s memorial is akin to the Cemetery calling to
ask me to come pick up Shayla’s marker. Not only was there a lack of
sensitivity to the matter, but a complete disconnect in what the stone symbolizes!
I do understand that due to the major construction occurring that it was in the best interest of safety to have it removed rather than destroyed. Yet again, I feel that those involved would have known long ago this was happening! Some heartless individual thought it would be better to email me- with only five days notice- instead of calling me personally months before, so I could process this wound of grief, ripped back wide open!
I do understand that due to the major construction occurring that it was in the best interest of safety to have it removed rather than destroyed. Yet again, I feel that those involved would have known long ago this was happening! Some heartless individual thought it would be better to email me- with only five days notice- instead of calling me personally months before, so I could process this wound of grief, ripped back wide open!
Grief
is not an enemy or a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being human. Grief is
the cost of loving someone. ~ GriefShare
Back to last Sunday, as I sauntered along the cobble
alley way towards the sea, I heard the familiar drumming of the Aboriginal
people. Drawing me in, I found myself amongst the Métis- which Shayla was part
of. In addition to summer beginning; it was also Aboriginal Day.
"Diversity" |
I sat and watched in awe, the dancing formation, of
those dressed in cultural garments. The beating of the drums aligned with my
heart and I knew Shayla had brought me here for a reason.
Later, I spoke with an elder who listened to my heartache
over the upheaval of the Memorial tribute. The elder recommended a prayer being
said over the stone before the removal and also a blessing once it is placed
back. I thanked the elder and was walking past a booth, when I felt pulled in
the direction of two young girls at table for First Peoples’ Cultural Council.
I soon found myself sharing about Shayla and the removal of her stone. I
noticed one of the girls facial expression changed when I mentioned my
daughter’s first name. Afterwards, with
emotions running through me, I paused to see red bandana’s on the table. When
the girl gave me one, it brought forth remembrance of how Shayla liked to wear a
bandana on her wrist- in memory of a Métis friend who had died, when only a
teenager. I took solace in knowing I would wear my new red bandana with pride.
Before I left, I asked the young girl’s name’s…Sofia and…Shay! Now, I
understood as to why when I first said my daughter’s name, why it surprised
her, she said. I explained how that was also Shayla’s nickname and I was meant
to come to their table.
Walking back towards my vehicle, I was walking past The Empress, when I decided it would be
great to have a photo of me wearing the red bandana.
Thank you to Jennifer for taking a photo of me wearing the red bandana amidst Lavender and white hydrangeas |
I walked up to a lady,
sitting on a bench. Jennifer, who was from Ottawa, was in town for a
conference. We instantly connected and after speaking in great depth about
Shayla, she confided in me that she had brought a book to her conference and
now knew it was meant for me! The book is called “The Still Voice” –White
Eagle. It is a spiritual book of meditations and prayers, woven into the Great
Spirit and God.
Death
is not the end, but a return home to a greater reality ~ White Eagle
Since, I was on my way to evening service at the church I
attend; my day was inspired by the light, which surrounded me.
“Sometimes you have to pull coals out of the darkness,
until it bleeds Light.” ~ Praise 106.5
In the midst of all I was grieving, my dear friend Judy
Dowd reached out to me to share the following:
I
wanted to let you know The Compassionate Friends do a balloon release
every year. We write notes to our children and then release the balloons. This
year, I sent one up to heaven for you ...telling Shayla that her MOM loves and
misses her. It was a very beautiful evening as we formed a circle and read
poems, then wrote notes to our children on our balloons, after we gathered to have
a potluck dinner.
Judy also sent me a picture of a gorgeous shimmering
polished heart stone she is planning to release for Shayla in the upcoming
weekend. I call Judy my “Sister- by- Hearts,” as she is in a tight group of
people I consider my dearest friends.
When Monday came, I knew I had one day to find someone to
go to the stone and say a prayer. It came to me that I was to call Simone
Gauthier- who was Shayla’s Aboriginal mentor at Dr. Knox Middle School. There is also a connection to her
brother, Richard Gauthier, who was Shayla's Aboriginal Advocate at Kelowna Senior Secondary. When my
daughter graduated from High school, it was Richard who awarded Shayla the
Aboriginal Honour Drum. After she passed away, it was Simone and Richard who laboured with love in creating an exceptional deerskin bag to carry Shayla’s ashes. Without hesitation,
both of them made plans to come to the stone at the reservoir with an elder, Marie Gail Winacott. Due to the construction at McKinley carrying on later than anticipated, the elder had Richard do the prayer, as she needed to return home. Simone and Richard first
stopped in at the Memorial bench located at Dewdney Beach Access #1 in
McKinley. Simone shared with me: “Richard
and I sat upon Shayla’s bench and just chatted about her beautiful smile and
contagious laugh. Then we met Dave and did a prayer with sage and tobacco that
we gave to the mother earth, burning the sage.”
Simone and Richard at Shayla's stone |
All of what Simone shared brought me peace…a sense of
grace that even though I could not be there for the removal of the stone, the
creator had ensured the sacred area where the stone was unearthed from, would
be honoured in prayer connected to Shayla.
Given the circumstances, I had pulled this together in
less than 24 hours…which instilled in me that indeed Faith can move mountains,
when you focus on the positive.
In Matthew 5:4 Jesus promises comfort and a blessing for
those who go through the process of grief and mourning: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”
Yesterday, when I opened my email to see the pictures of the granite stone removed, I wept some more. Gone also is the special Lavender planted by her niece Parker and nephew, Mason. |
After Shayla’s Memorial marker came out of the ground and
was removed for safe keeping at a private location ( until it is re-installed),
I went to my favourite beach~ Witty’s Lagoon. As I drove a song came on the
radio and tears began to fall when I listened to the lyrics:
And
I'll praise you in this storm
And
I will lift my hands
That
you are who you are
No
matter where I am
And
every tear I've cried
You
hold in your hand
You
never left my side
And
though my heart is torn
I
will praise you in this storm...
~ Casting Crowns – “Praise You in This Storm”
I parked my car and walked the trail I have done so on
many occasions. I climbed down the rocks to the pounding surf with my
offerings.
First, a beautiful oval shaped stone was released for my employer. I
said some words up to heaven and let it go into the sea.
Next, I took a
heart-shaped piece of Labradorite. This stone goes to the core of a matter and
brings up suppressed issues for resolution.
It anchors the light and connects
to the universe. I took a few photographs and released the Labradorite
pebble to the strong winds, weaving through the bent and knotted, Arbutus
trees. I then scaled the crags of the rock cliffs, perched myself on the
blackened stone and let the open waters cleanse me.
Once back home, I found a song by the talented Métis
singer Nakita Kohan. I learned from my tender heart
that the most tragic thing I can ever suffer, has already occurred- the death
of my daughter.
The Prayer Song - Nakita Kohan
I will continue to Stand Tall in the eye of adversity…knowing:
“They
that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death is but crossing the
world, as friends do the seas; they live in one another still.’ ~ William Penn
There is an added positive note to my circumstances. I have been asked to return to where I worked, as the business will re-open again soon. I welcome the opportunity to be back in a place, which felt like I was always meant to be part of.
There is an added positive note to my circumstances. I have been asked to return to where I worked, as the business will re-open again soon. I welcome the opportunity to be back in a place, which felt like I was always meant to be part of.
By T L Alton
Tonya are you a beautiful person inside and out. I can't even imagine the pain and challenges that you face. Although you have gone through so much you still give so much of your heart, soul and energy to others. I am amazed that you find the strength and energy to still give so much. You are an incredibly selfless person. I just love you so much and am blessed to know you. XXXXOOO
ReplyDeleteI am Always deeply touched by your kind words Mindy! As we have been friends for several years, I could never imagine how Shayla's death would have you come into my world of grief. I have spent the past two years on my own for many reasons, but mainly because I cannot try to fill the empty void of my daughter with things or people who would only bring more pain to me. My faith has only deepened immensely overtime, despite the additional heartache and sorrow I have been put through! I am humbled by all of the strength you see in me, in the face of adversity, I continue to thrive because I refuse to be broken permanently! Thank you for reminding me that my journey is not all about grief and being such an beautiful friend to me throughout it all :) I have been So Very blessed by many things unfolding right now and count you amongst those I am grateful for all your support, love and encouragement!! Miss you my friend, I Love You with all my Heart <3 XOXOXOX
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