“Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by
Imagination.” ~Voltaire
I stood watching the energy of the ocean glisten
with the sun’s emissions of light. I had come with intention- purpose that had
taken over three years to culminate.
Reaching into the pocket of my shawl, my
fingertips felt the surface and a wave of emotions matched the pounding surf…
Let me paint you a picture.
During the Christmas season, I made plans to ring
in 2016 in Sidney- by the sea. I had acquired a ticket to see “The Timebenders”
perform at the heart of the Saanich
Peninsula community ~ Mary Winspear
Centre. The theme was Mardi Gras and I found the perfect mask.
Earlier on New Year’s Eve before attending the
event, I spent some time at SHAW Ocean
Discovery Centre.
I lingered over the aquariums intently- with my eyes
scanning all of the sea creatures. My connection to the sea was obvious, to one
volunteer member. Tammy watched as I discovered everything that swam, moved or
clung to their ocean environment. She came over and struck up a conversation
with me. As a volunteer for three years, Tammy could pick out those who were
absorbed by what the centre had to offer.
In researching the ‘glass beach’ in Sidney, I
found a story about a fire that happened long ago at a hotel, just behind the
beach. All the stain glass windows blew out and were carried out by the ocean;
overtime the colorful glass was polished by the sea and sand, finding its way
to being discovered back upon the shoreline. I liked this legendary tale as it
creates vivid imagery.
I also cherished the time spent talking with
Tammy, who had sought me out on a day, that held monumental purpose for me.
On my way out, I glanced into an open aquarium and noticed two starfish nestled up against one another. Taking a closer look, I saw one of the starfish was missing an arm. It struck me with profound sense of relation…how I felt like I had lost a body part- a piece of me when Shayla passed away. Yet, as time carried on, much like the starfish, I have regenerated new growth. I will not be the same as I once was- as now I am different- but I have been restored.
As I let the winter sun cast warmth upon the
neckline of my shawl, my footsteps took me to a man named Bob. He had been
capturing nature’s magnificence, through a camera lens. I spoke briefly with
him, unaware our paths would cross later.
I let my hand settle into my pocket again- thinking
of the journey of what inspired me to
write this movement…
When I feel
like no one understands, or like I'm not being heard when I try to speak, I
just write-because my paper and pen understands me- Latesha
Since my hotel where I was staying at was right
near the ocean, I checked in to Sidney Waterfront Inn & Suites.
From the moment I encountered Julia, I knew my choice of accommodations was
perfectly suited. In the time I spent there, I found refuge in those who
listened to a mother…letting go.
As I went to my room, I saw behind reception, a
whiteboard with a quote- as if written solely for my presence.
Upon
entering my suite, I found a full kitchen unit, an electric wood-stove and the
softest hotel towels, my hands have ever touched! As my gaze was upon the
artwork above my bed, I sat down and reflected what it meant to me. Two ships
on the open waters, sailing in different directions.
It
settled within me- how I had encountered the greatest love of my life- in a man
I saw as my soul mate.
Over
the past year, leading me to this point, I accepted the fate of how 24 months
would have made all the difference to us. In granting forgiveness to him, I let
all of the hurts laid upon me dissipate. In its place, the beats of drums carry
us back to our greatest road trip together… to visit the ‘three
sisters- Sitka trees.’
Knowing
there would always be questions where no answers would ever be found, I needed
to place my mind elsewhere. Looking back on the photographs I had captured to
this point, allowed me to move forward.
Grounding
me to my thoughts was how I had begun this day; paying respects to someone I
consider family. In wanting to remember I was not alone in my journey of grief,
I went to visit Lindsay’s grave. My soul sister Judy did not know of my plans.
I placed a special blue and white Hawaiian flower clip that I had worn on many
travels to the Islands. I attached it to the blue rose I had laid on a previous
visit.
For me, to come and see Lindsay’s grave site, is to acknowledge how two
fragile mothers came together in 2014- on Christmas Day; embracing a friendship
created in the heavens.
Back
at my suite, I collected my Starbucks gift card sent to me from my treasured friend,
Michelle.
 |
| Happy New Year Michelle- Cheers! |
As
I walked past a fashion store, a mannequin display with a unique paper and feathers dress caught my eye, that my daughter would have adored!
Shayla was
passionate about clothes, in addition to the latest designs-she left behind
many eclectic sketches of things to wear. I have a drawing of a dress in one of
her books. I would love for someone to fuse together the butterfly material I
was gifted in Armstrong and Shayla’s imagery. Wearing a dress she created would
be like receiving a hug from above.
I
was reminded how I have upon my skin, a tattoo of another one of her sketches.
Once back at my suite, I looked at it when I was getting ready for my New
Year’s night. As my fingertip went over the symbolism of my tattoo, I focussed
on everything it encompassed-one word stood out that I had not delved into. L O V E
My focus has been on self-discovery and
healing thru my writing. Previous in my life, I had been bathed in blue- a
storyteller with an afterglow of sorrow.
“Even tales of loss
and hardship give us Courage and open up the doors of Love”- The Book of
Negroes
In keeping my mind wide open to all possibilities-
I came to understand the unfinished story of my life never would find healing-
if not pursued. Love is something I believe will find me… if it is left alone,
it will be discovered at a time least expected. When it is rooted, much like
the acceptance Shayla found in me, that one person will hold close the
obscurity of who I am and never be disloyal to it.
One thing I do miss is being able to trust in
Shayla with all of my fears.
I loved her
not for the way she danced with my angels but for the way the sound of her name
could silence my demons ~ C.P.
As I prepared for the evening, I wanted some music to keep me
company. Turning on the T.V. the start of Adele’s “Hello” blasted into my room.
Now, I must confess how I would rather be covered in peanut butter, rolled in
sparkles and put on display in city centre- than listen to this song again!
Brilliant as the Adele 25 CD is, the
overplaying of “Hello,” has it locked into the core of my memory. When Miss
Piggy and Kermit have covered your song- it’s time to move on to your next No.
#1 hit.
Instead, I shut the television off and turned on the radio. Within
minutes, I was overcome with emotion. The lyrics to “What’s Going On” by 4 Non Blondes
brought me to one year ago, at the previous New Year’s celebration- where it
had been performed by the band. This song was a favourite of Shayla and mine as
we cranked it up in my old beater of a vehicle; we hit the road like Thelma and
Louise, but with a different purpose.
Music was a staple in our world- as the very breathe we took; it matched
the flow of the soundtrack of our lives. When I could not express my grief, I
let the songs of others resonate the brokenness I felt inside. Over the course
of The Heart
Pebble Movement,
I created many videos that were a reflection of the pain I have endured.
Shayla liked to listen to
rap music and it took me years to connect with her taste of this genre.
Recently, when I heard the songs that make up the video I did- I had stayed up
till 2 am, working on it. My daughter loved the compilation of mash-ups…taking
a variety of songs and putting them together. The special video created by
myself has three songs that I know Shayla would have enjoyed. The tribute marks
my healing journey and is peppered with symbolism.
The opening of the video
is where my daughter’s ashes were scattered on the Island of Maui. In the
Pinnacle Vodka snapshot, we were in an ice bar in Florida, on our Disneyworld
vacation. Another part displays the green bird from Cirque Du Soleil’s La Nouba. I
remembered watching this self-conscious character on stage in downtown
Disneyworld and how much I could relate. She escapes the cage she has been
bound in and is anxious to fly. Yet the green bird can't fly away and join the
circus, because she is too awkward. She remains trapped in the urban world like
a marionette with tangled strings. This sums up how I felt trapped in the
concrete jungle for many years- desperate to escape- but not knowing how, until
I found the strength needed to do so. There is also a glimpse of the Piper key
I own, which is connected to my first novel, “Under the Sitka Tree.” While
this video is coupled with my daughter, it is also a montage of moments in my
life that echo who I am and how far I have come in my bereavement journey. I
have called it, “Our Last Ride,”
as I have reached a new stage of my grief- “ACCEPTANCE.”
Back at the hotel, I was
putting on the finishing touches…
My sequined silver and
black top came with embroidered words that suit me well:
“Perfectly Imperfect.”
Likewise, the ring I had bought
represented the different directions my life has taken. One part, reaches back
across the universe, indicating what is left behind; the other extends forward,
to the unfolding of my life, in phenomenal ways. To honour The
Heart Pebble Movement, each glitter stone
signifies a pebble let go into this world- in remembrance of my daughter.
Though there have been many more, it is symbolic of what the cause has meant to
me.
Before leaving, to attend
the New Year’s Eve celebration, I thought of my Memory Jar. I had made it on
the last session of our bereavement support group, GriefShare. Tucked inside
the decorated glass container, are scrolls of paper with words I have written,
sharing precious memories of Shayla. Whenever, I am missing my babygirl, I pull
out a memory and read it to make my heart smile again.
Even when the darkest
thoughts try to overwhelm me, I have to set them across the table and
recognize the impact they had- in order to receive closure. Now in its place,
there remains an empty chair, where I am free and a memory jar full of joy… is
by my side.
Once at the event, I sat
with two other couples who welcomed me at their table. We were entertained by
the fabulous “Timebenders,” who performed in costume to decades of songs from
the 50’s thru to the 90’s. The energy of this five piece band, lit the place up
with the beats of Michael Jackson, crooning of Stevie Wonder and flamboyance of
Lady Gaga.
With every costume change, there were bursts of laughter- especially
when the male lead singer appeared in a blond wig, pale dress and white go-go
boots, to belt out a melody of ABBA tunes.
Throughout the evening, I
met a variety of people.
One lady, Thea, danced to Footloose with me. Margaret,
who works at the Mary Winspear Centre, made me feel welcome. Right before
midnight, I realized no one was at my table. A couple came and poured champagne
and I assumed they were going back onto the dance floor. I watched as husband
and wife came over to my side, to stand right next to me. When I told her I
thought I would ring in the New Year alone, she smiled, gave me a squeeze and
said, “You’re not alone anymore!” I was thrilled that strangers would be so
gracious to me.
That night, I toasted the
past and those who are a part of it, instilling in me- life’s lessons. It was
followed by a toast for my future- one where I am pursuing my gifts as a writer
and plans to thrive, within my own words that remind me "He was there all the time..."
After midnight, The
Timebenders continued to perform. When they sang the last song, I realized it
was in the realm of Shayla that this was a night to remember. As they belted out “Life is a Highway,” I felt goose bumps, as
my daughter and I use to play it on every road trip we had taken together. I held
close the profound moment- as I thought of everything which binds us to God- uniting me in His love and an abundance of memories.
Getting into my vehicle,
I turned on the radio to hear “Oceans” by
Hillsong United- one of my favourite Christian artists. Much like the sea needs
Oxygen, I need our Lord and Saviour to sustain me.
Once back at the hotel, I
met up with Bob again, who had his professional camera and tripod equipment. He
was going out on the pier to capture the galaxy of stars. I hurriedly went to
my room, changed and joined him outside, under a planetary night sky. We talked
about our lives and I spoke of Shayla. Grabbing from my jacket pocket, a
container of bubbles, I told him how I always loved to blow the soap suds. As
he checked on his camera, I proceeded to release bubbles into the wintry
darkness. I stayed there chatting with Bob until 2 am. I felt so alive, under
the half moon cast upon the darkened waters, on the first day of 2016!
Look at the stars, look how they
shine for you…and all the things you do…Yeah, they were all yellow ~ COLDPLAY
Once back at the hotel-inside
my room, I sat on the bed and thought about what had taken place the day
before, signifying an end to my lamenting and to The Heart Pebble Movement.
After three years of
writing stories…opening the grief of my heart and spilling it out onto the
viral pages of the internet, the devotion of this cause is complete for me.
Let me finish the
picture…
On the day of New Year’s
Eve, I stood on a pier. Placing my hand into my pocket, I pulled from within, the
polished stone that was with Shayla when she died. She had been gifted the Rose
Quartz heart in White Rock, by a woman who told my daughter she had a vibrant,
colourful aura. After Shayla passed, I went thru her purse- which had been with
her at the bottom of the reservoir. Zipped inside a pocket was the pink heart
that when you looked at it towards the light, it now appeared to contain frozen
shards.
The Rose Quartz meaning is to help someone through an emotional trauma of loss. It was part of
the inspiration for this movement. My former boyfriend Paul also played a
significant role in, The Heart Pebble Movement, as
he was the first to release a stone in Shayla’s memory. All of these things had
served their purpose and I no longer felt I had to cling to something that was
bound for release itself. Looking outward, I saw a distinctive curving line
upon the waters…as if it was another indication that Shayla’s legacy will
continue on…no matter what.
My storytelling has seen
over 16,000 people read about the pebble releases. It has evolved from the
tragic loss of my daughter into the journey of me- a grieving mother. I have
shared endless photographs, videos, quotes and stories.
I am reminded of this
powerful verse:
It is a miracle that I should live
long enough to carry on my work as a Jeli, so that my own stories can outlive
me – Aminata Diallo
As my lips kissed the polished
heart pebble, one last time... I let it slip thru my fingers as I tossed it back into the sea…no longer
did it bind me to December 12th; my healed soul is a seeker of His
light.
Checking out of my hotel
room at Sidney Waterfront Inn &
Suites, I gave thanks to Julia, Anita and Jackie- all who I had shared
about Shayla. Looking at the whiteboard, Jackie had posted a new quote which
made me be in awe of the wondrous verse.
It was as if I could
imagine Shayla looking back at me, her smiling face and nodding her head in
agreement.
As I type the last words
on my blog, I extend a wholehearted gratefulness… to all those who have
participated over the years, in The Heart Pebble Movement.
Some of you were strangers who I met only briefly, others were friends whose
paths crossed and then continued on their own way; one- who was the love of my
life- saw our hot air balloon carry on, without us in it. There are those who
have remained constant friends- my gathering of sisters by heart- one who has
the Aloha spirit, a group of ladies whose Christian sisterhood uplifts me,
while another Soul sister, is an angel to me.
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| Gift box from my friend Angie, that carried the Rose Quartz to its final release... |
I leave you with the one
quote that connects me to my first novel,
“Under the Sitka Tree” …
“Under the Sitka Tree” …
We Are Bound by Our Roots~ Not by Our
Feet
By TL Alton www.tlaltondesign.com
