Lift Me Up

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in Rising …every time we fall."
Inspirational Quote by Confucius

Heart shaped pebble meaning healer of Heart-Mind- and Soul

My offering for the candle I lit in Shayla's memory at Holy Rosary Roman Catholic Cathedral, Vancouver, BC

  As a bereaved parent, I have been faced with some difficult situations where people believe I am okay, simply because I am living my life to the fullest. 

It is a complex cycle of misunderstanding that lends itself to the perception that if I put on my make-up, go out into the world, attend an event or merely engage in a routine of shopping, that somehow I am managing my grief. 

A passage I would like to share is from Martha Whitmore Hickman’s book: Healing After Loss-

“What is this myth about being strong? …Of course, if we could choose, we’d like to do our weeping in a place where we won’t cast a pall of gloom over some bright occasions.

 You have enough to contend with in your life right now without the extra burden of worrying about whether other people are going to be uncomfortable from your crying.

You are not a stranger, acting strangely. You are a human being, acting like a human being.” 

The truth is, I can be anywhere, at any given time and feel a wave of sorrow overcome me. I refer to it as ETS or Emotional Triggering Syndrome. It happens when someone reminds you of your loved one, or you catch a scent in the air. It can be as simple as a print on a dress, the colour of a girl’s nail polish or the fabric on a purse. I have had to flee in tears, certain stores, places or even events, in order to deal with the overload of emotions. 

There have been occasions I have left somewhere, got into my vehicle and sobbed heavily into my steering wheel. Five minutes prior to that I might have had a conversation with you and seemed perfectly fine. 

What I have learned internally is that grief is a whirlwind of unpredictability- it can seep slowly into your broken heart or course through your veins with such fury; you end up in a full blown grief outburst. The first time I ever saw a bereaved person be consumed with such anguish, it shook me to the core. Shortly after, I felt envy for that person being able to release such sorrow. 

Just like no two Autumn leaves are alike, no two grief journeys are the same

As someone who has suffered from depression in the past, I was filled with anxiety thinking how I wanted to avoid sinking into a well of darkness again. That said, I have not spent one single day in bed, grieving the loss of my daughter…for fear of not ever wanting to get up again. For me, it’s such a fine line between grieving and having to cope with two illnesses that contribute to the mourning process. I now realize after much research that since the day Shayla died, I have put a stopwatch on my grief journey. Nearing two years later, while others have been dealing with her painful loss, my heartache was held back.

My saving grace has been in the release of a variety of pebbles, gemstones and crystals all over the earth. The cause itself contributes to the spiritual expansion of nurturing me through this tragic upheaval and devastation that happened when my daughter died. By connecting to the elements of my environment, I immerse myself into the void where Shayla may be gone, but is not forgotten.  

 Thank You to Douglas Warren from The Woodshop on Granville Island, for sharing this book!

This past year, I have suffered a great deal of unforeseen anguish in the betrayal of some people I once trusted. It is unfathomable to think that anyone would want to further subject a grieving mother to more turmoil. Yet the time they devoted to causing me more misery is something they will someday have to answer for…especially since they are mother’s themselves.

As I near the two year mark of my babygirl’s passing, Shayla continues to enrich my own spirit through the many lessons she left behind in her journals. I have come to realize that she was the teacher and I her student. In seeking a more peaceful life, my daughter has taught me to make a plan. For it does not matter about the uncertain journey, what is important is to embrace the unknown. Another key lesson is to breathe life into my spirituality through expanding boundaries by decluttering thoughts. To go through each section in my mind and focus on what matters the most- first. The last thing I have gained knowledge of is to replenish the well that often goes dry far too often when we constantly give of ourselves and put our own needs last. 

All of the above may sound simple and well known information, but when you lose a child, everything you have learned seems to dissipate. Like sand in an hour glass, wedged inside, my life has been halted to the numerals on a clock flashing 1:00pm and a date on a calendar, December 12, 2011. It’s my own twisted version of Groundhog Day intertwined with Final Destination and I live it every moment of my existence.

Therefore, in order to process the past 24 months, I need to take a break from posting on my blog. Much like back at the end of February when I took a good deal of time to myself, it is imperative to freely devote my attention on me. This is something that is so effortless for others, yet I strive to achieve such harmony and balance. 

Since Shayla’s death, I have been trying to find the one key that will open the doors to my hidden grief. However, I feel that my daughter has gifted me signs to help me fully absorb that she no longer lives in this world, but her care-free spirit lingers on. I have been truly blessed with a connection that permits me to still have an amazing bond with her and honour the life that she shared her golden heart.

To each of you who have participated in The Heart Pebble Movement -I can say whole-heartily the miraculous difference you have made in my life as a mother who weeps for her only child- is profound. From every photograph sent, video shared and messages I have received, it reminds me of its sole purpose; to open your hearts and pay tribute to my beloved daughter. 

Thank You Kindly! To Melanie at The Crystal Ark

I will continue to receive any pebble releases, whether by snapshot or email and I promise their stories will be told. For now, after this last blog posting, I will place them into a file until I am ready once again to take up the cause. Rest assured, I have been speaking with others about gathering all the stories together and writing them into a book, after I have completed my first novel, Under the Sitka Tree. I encourage people to keep the movement carrying on and share the love of who Shayla Driver is.

As I welcome the new beginnings ahead and the many changes which have occurred, I know the next chapters of my life are about to unfold. In doing so, I have decided to leave the Love I have experienced behind me and grip onto the Faith pulling me towards a whole other set of adventures.

The Ripple effect carries on...

I leave my loyal readers with this last video link reflective of where I feel I am at in my life.

Kate Voegele - Lift Me Up Lyrics

http://youtu.be/gKHOqT1knvY

By T.L. Alton